Dont know what to do.....HELP!

[Teresa]

Hubby has been acting a little strange lately. I'm worried he might be getting depressed. The company he works for (Raytheon, used to Beechcraft) is up for sale. It sounds like it could be sold any day. He has worked there for over 10 yrs and hes worried that if it is sold the new compay might not want him there because of the insurance and how much it pays each month for his meds.I think our copay is like $20. And if he loses his job he thinks he could never get any other insurance if he got a job because of pre-existing condition.
No one there knows about his HIV status.

Hes worried about that and says if he loses his job he wont be able to take care of me. I told him that im not an invalid to be taken of. I have worked in the factories here building airplanes since I was 18. I told him I could probally go back and get a job at one of the 3 major aircraft places here. But he says no, he wants me here at home.

I got laid off at Boeing right before we got married and he liked me being home and having his supper ready, doing all the housework and yardwork. Plus I was going with my brother to all his cancer appt. and his treatments with him. So he never wanted me to go back to work.

Since we have found out about his HIV I have thought several times I should go back to work just in case it got where he couldn't work. But if i did and he got sick and needed me it would get hard to take off work and this way i could be there with him. He hasn't told anyone in his family yet that hes has Aids. There are few in my family that hes told and had me tell. They don't treat him any different when hes around, but i have noticed that my sisters dont call me as much as they used too and we all live in the same city. But when they do they ask about him. Even when it was our brother and I was dealing with his cancer they never offered to come here and help. We are in the same city but we live out in the country and they are in the city.

Ive suggested him talk to his case worker and maybe she knows someone he could talk too and he got mad and said he wasn't talking to a counselor. He says he wont ask the Dr for any anti depressants either. Then he talked about all the life insurance he has and how i would be better off if he just died in a car wreck. I told him I wouldn't get a penny if he killed himself. They don't pay on suicides. I told him that no matter what happens with his job or insurance we would get thu it together. That part about suicide really scared me. I'm just at a loss of what to do.

[Boo Radley]

Teresa,

The ADA makes it illegal for an employer to terminate anyone because of his/her HIV status unless they can prove it would be a financial hardship for the company to keep the person as an employee.  Depending on state law, in Kansas it may also be illegal to terminate a long-term employee without just cause (but I doubt it since most states are "at will" employer states, meaning you can be fired if your boss thinks your breath stinks).

If your husband had to look for another job he is not required to inform a prospective employer of his HIV status unless he needs to apply under ADA guidelines (which would require that he divulge having a chronic illness which might require reasonable accommodations in order for him to perform his job).  Again, unfortunately, if Kansas is an "at will" state he can be fired for no reason (but if an employer was stupid enough to put into writing that he was being terminated due to his HIV status he'd have a viable grievance under ADA).  If there is a waiting period for him to acquire health insurance benefits for a new job his former employer, under most cirumstances, must allow him to continue coverage under federal COBRA law if he pays the standard monthly premium (i.e., the group rate, not an indivdiual rate) for up to 12 or 18 months (depending on circumstances).   In some states (even in benighted Louisiana, where I live) the state will pay the COBRA premium simply to insure that your husband doesn't end up on Medicare/Medicaid.  After I lost my job in 2002 my COBRA premiums were paid for 24 months until I qualified for Medicare.

I think most large corporations deal with HIV as another fact of life in the workplace but that obviously depends on the employer. 

I don't know if any of this is any use or consolation to you but I hope it gives you food for thought.  I wish I could be more re-assuring but, as you probably know, it's a dog eat dog world out there.

Good luck to both of you!

Boo

P.S.  Geeeez, I didn't even read all of your post and didn't see the last part about your husband's suicidal thoughts!!  Please excuse my rudeness but you have to bitch-slap him upside the head and make sure he understands his death would only make your life much worse.  Tell him you got that from someone who has to ward off suicidal urges daily and the only reason I'm still alive is I don't want to cause my family and friends to suffer such pain.  I'm not religious or spiritual but I know I'm here for some reason and your husband is here for a reason, too.  He owes it to you and other loved ones to keep living!  Again, I apologize for my harsh language.

[tryingforhope]

I am sorry Teresa that you and he are under such stress at this time. Not that it is the same but I was pregnant with my son when my ex's company was bought and we had to go under the new insurance plan. They did not even blink at covering the Cobra when I went into the state office for help to make sure that I still had insurance.
I would imagine that part of your husbands behovior is that he is scared. It is hard being the provider and having that status in the family only to possibly lose that on top of dealing with this illness. The car wreck quote sounds more like desperation of him losing control of his work life more than a threat of some kind.

[IzPoz]

Please do your best to reassure your hubby.  Stress isn't healthy, and it takes a toll on you and relationships.  Since I was diagnosed nearly 13 years ago, I have been able to work in several places, and be covered by insurance.  I always choose the HMO, since the copays are reasonable, and I don't have to worry about a deductible.  I've never had a problem with 'pre existing conditions' clauses, as they didn't have any.

And I'm sure there are other people that works with your hubby that have serious conditions too, but don't discuss them... think about it: heart condition, diabetes, fertility treatments.... the list goes on.  Tell him to not put it all on his shoulders like that.  He's worrying too much

[RevMC]

Don't worry hon, he can COBRA the insurance like others have said.  Even if they had a pre-existing clause in the new insurance, being that he has already had insurance, that clause doesn't mean a thing.  I had insurance at one point and when I switched companies, the new company had a pre-existing clause BUT because I already had insurance and was transferring, there was no problem.

If anything does happen and he loses his job, for what ever reason, he should still talk to his case manager about what they can do to help.  That doesn't mean he should talk to a councelor, just to see what they can do to help you guys out until he gets another job.  They may even pay the COBRA payments to keep his insurance.

Point out to him that company buyouts happen all the time and EVERYONE who works for the company could lose their job for what ever reason.  BUT there are laws and most likely clauses in the buyout to help those who might lose their jobs.

If he does have suicidal thoughts, since he won't talk to a councelor, how about a minister??

If all else fails, I agree "bitch slap him".

Your all in my thoughts and prayers,

Love and Light,
Rev. Michael

[LatinAlexander]

This may sound stupid...But why do not you invite him here?..Youknow, many of us have thought about suicide (I did), and I am still here.

He could share his feelings

Alex

[Iggy]

.

[Broederboy]

There is a silver lining here.  Benefits carry over when a company is purchased.  It would be rare, if unheard of for a company to abandon its health plans due to takeover.  Secondly, unless your husband has had some run-ins with his bosses, he will most likely slide under the radar. (Sorry, I just couldn't help it!)  I have gone through two buy-outs in the past 5 years.  My benefits have not been challenged, no one asks questions or even worries about it. (10 years post diagnosis and treatment.)

On the mental health side.  He needs to find a support group or get a good counselor.  If he won't tell his case manager, you need to decide if she needs to be aware.  When we get depressed, we don't make the most rational decisions.  Either way, he is talking about a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Hang in there, and get that boy on line, and help him find out what is really going on.  This isn't the end of the world, just a hiccup!

[Biggums]

Hi,

I don't know if this will help or not but we just recently had to meet with our insurance reps because of a big change in policy voerage etc.  I flat out asked them if the company knew the medical conditions of all its employees.  The insurance rep told me that every two years they sit down with management and adjust costs based on what is going on with their employees.  They will tell them, "You have "x" number of people with cancer, "x" number with HIV, "x" number seeing chiropractors, etc.  It is against the law for them to reveal names though.  I do not like even what they do do, but at least there are no names involved.  I suppose if they got scoundrels in the new company taking over your hubby's company, they might try and find out who those people are and weed em out but being your hubby is straight....good luck.

As far as the suicide thing goes, god I feel for him.  Not a day has gone by in some 30 plus years the thought hasn't crossed my mind.  No amount of meds or counseling has helped.  I don't know what my problem with it is.  It's just something I bear and fear someday it will get the best of me.  I too have thought it would be better off if I am dead so my family could get insurance, etc. (my policy allows payment for suicide since I have had it well over a year) but in the end its the thought of going to hell that keeps me from it I guess.  Plus I saw what my dad went through after losing my sister to AIDS in 91.  He couldn't make it through that again.

I love ya and am praying for you guys.

Jim

[ACinKC]

Love you T.  I am here in KC if you need me for anything.  If your hubby needs a friend with cooties i'd be happy to talk or have lunch!  I am here.

[Christine]

Hi Teresa,
First take a deep breath. I had the same fears as your husband, I think many people do who work, and live with health problems.

If the company would be sold, your husband can not be fired because of medical bills. Raytheon does not know what his medical condition is, and they should not, it is not their business. All they need to know is that he is capable of doing his job. As far as raising their premiums, hiv is not the only illness that causes insurance premiums to raise. Diabetes, cancer, heart disease...any long term chronic illness can raise rates. His case will not stick out as unusual.

With the HIPPA laws, pre-existing conditions do not exclude people from being hired, or from starting new insurance.

Thebody.com has a really good work/insurance forum where many questions are asked very similar to what you are asking here.

You are both still in the beginning years of learning how to deal with all of this. It takes some time to adjust to a new way of life, it will take family time to deal with it also.

You can always go and talk to a counselor without hubby. Being a care-giver is very hard.

I have said the same things to my husband...He would be better of without me...Keep talking to him. Life is different now, but many things remain the same.

My Uncle worked for Raytheon for years. He retired a few years ago.

[Denver Toad]

Ive suggested him talk to his case worker and maybe she knows someone he could talk too and he got mad and said he wasn't talking to a counselor. He says he wont ask the Dr for any anti depressants either. Then he talked about all the life insurance he has and how i would be better off if he just died in a car wreck. I told him I wouldn't get a penny if he killed himself. They don't pay on suicides. I told him that no matter what happens with his job or insurance we would get thu it together. That part about suicide really scared me. I'm just at a loss of what to do.
 

Teresa,
I'm kinda focused on the suicide thoughts. And too, having worked aerospace for a couple of decades ( BF Goodrich Aerospace & Boeing) and having gone through the layoff crap I can feel for your husband. And you. What sucks about layoffs is that you truly are powerless over your fate. In a bizzare way it's kinda like being HIV positive. There's nothing one can do about ridding yourself of the virus, just learn to adapt and work your way through it. Looking back on the times I was laid off I wish I'd been more pro-active in finding another job while I still had a job. Were your husband to ask me what to I'd tell him to begin looking for a job now. Yeah it sucks looking for work, but it's also a damm good feeling once you are offered a job. An employment offer is a validation that you are worth while. And in having a job before he is laid off, you could carry COBRA coverage a lot easier then while on unemployment.

As to the suicide thoughts... all I can say is if I knew then what I knew now when my wife shot herself... Maybe I could have pushed her in the direction of getting the help she so desperately needed. Maybe not.

Educate yourself about suicide and what you can do to recognize the truly serious thoughts from what appears to be random flailing for help. I won't throw a bunch of stats at you, but I was shocked at how big the numbers are for people taking their own lives. Start with any of you local suicide hotlines, and then there's the internet.  And too communicate your husbands thoughts with all of his careproviders. It doesn't make you a tattle tale. It's showing you care. It wasn't until after Terry died that all of us that loved her sat down and talked did we realize we all had a small piece of puzzle. We all thought we were protecting Terry by helping her keep her secrets. Better a team watching out for both your and his well being then being an island in the storm. And take care of yourself Teresa. You seem to be an amazing woman. I'm glad you reached out here. You are in my prayers.
Todd

[Andy Velez]

Teresa, this is understandably a worrisome situation.

Keep talking with your husband. By that I don't mean to incessantly badger him, but rather just keep talking. Your relationship is about more than this, so work on maintaining the communication with him. The more he talks the less likely he is to act impulsively. Talking is a way to counteract the impulse to despair and isolate.

You might for instance occasionally drop a question to him in the conversation, such as is there anything he can think of that you can do that might be helpful and/or how does he want you to feel about what's happening. It can also be helpful at times for you to share your feelings like saying you're discouraged too, letting him know you are glad you have him to help, etc. Use your understanding of him from past years to guide you. Your intuition can serve you well. 

Now that may mean that he will say some things that will scare you and that you won't like hearing. Just hold in. You want to avoid being triggered into actions yourself out of your own anxiety and discomfort. This is not easy stuff, but it can be done.   

You might also consider having some sessions with a counselor yourself to get some support. How about contacting a local AIDS service organization and see if there is counseling available?

Keep us posted on how it's going.

Cheers, 

[Joe K]

Teresa,

I do not have the time to respond in length so I will get to the most important part.  Your husband needs to speak with someone NOW as he is expressing suicidal tendencies and they will not go away on their own.  If I alarm you then you understand because it is THAT important that he see someone now.  No matter how, you must get him some help so that he can address all the other issues.  Trust me on this, he is screaming for help, but feels powerless (probably due to mental illness) to do anything, but the real trigger is the suicidal thoughts.

Please get him help right now.

[Queen Tokelove]

Teresa,

I'm sorry you are going through this difficult time. I don't know anything about company takeovers and such but it seems like the others have given you food for thought. I think right now your husband seems overwhelmed with the situation at work and his health. As everyone else has said, communicate, be there for him, and definitely get him some help. Or even get help for yourself to help him, if that makes sense. I will be praying for you both.

[anniebc]

Dearest Teresa

The trouble with this time difference and when I get time to logg on so many have already answered your call for help.

So I really have nothing to add except I'm thinking about you and agree with what the guys say about getting some help now...don't let these problems build up try and get him to talk about then now.

You are both in my thougts.

Hugs from NZ

Jan

[Teresa]

 Thanks everyone for all the advice and good thoughts.
I called his case worker and she informed me that she was "our" caseworker. I go see her Monday. I have mentioned counseling to him a couple of times, for him, for me, even couples counseling. He has flatly refused.
He wont discuss his HIV. I dont push him. We have good communication and talk about everything else...except HIV.

Thanks again!
Hugs
Teresa

[yowsaa]

Teresa,
I see your hubby's poz date is 5/5/06. Maybe what he is going through is like that "7 stages of grieving" or whatever it's called syndrome. You know like denial, anger, sadness, acceptance blah blah blah type thing. I believe it was more meant for sudden loss of loved ones, but I think it fits with hubby. Maybe mention it to counsellor and pick up a book at the library for understanding grieving.

Pulling for you both.
p.s. I spent the first 2 yrs poz with a vocabulary consisting of three words... WTF   

[Jeffreyj]

Hi Teresa. Well you have some sound advice here. I just want you to know that I am here for you if you need a shoulder. you are a wonderful, caring person. Take one day at a time and don't borrow trouble. There are solutions, some times you just have to work hard to find them. Hang in there sweetie, we are all pulling for you and your husband.
Much Love,
Jeff

[Eldon]

Hello Teresa,

Through it all you have been there for your hubby. When faced with uncertainties in this life, a number of different emotions tend to surface as you are in the midst of this phase. Once there is a clearer picture in place, then you will know how to proceed with this situation.

As for your hubby, he only wants the best for the both of you. When something like this comes along, he is handling the situation backed with preventive measures in his mind. Continue to comfort him, re-assure him and love him.

It is a tough challenge. However, with the two of you bonded together as one, you will make it through.

You and your hubby are in my thoughts and my prayers. I am sending some positive energy to you as well.

Happy Holidays!

[Life]

Teresa..... Tis the Season of "what If's...   You know how much I love you...   When the answers are not clear and black and white, we tend to go overboard on many things...   Step back, support him and together you are and will find the way.... Butcha gotta do it together....   Keep talking to him and don't get all pent up with worry... You - do - not - know - what - the - future - holds....

Love