Dating Thread Part VIII: Brain-dead, Blusey and Befuddled

[BT65]

You asked for it, you got it

OK, so I'm not all that sure what befuddled means, but it's the only word I could think of.  Today was only my third day and I am so tired.  Of course I'm going back tomorrow, so I suppose by Friday night I will be ready for a weekend of getting some rest.  I'm meeting with the girl I sponsor on Saturday. 

Tonight when I was doing the dishes the phone rang, and because of what I was doing I didn't answer it.  So when I went in the living room, I saw there was no message.  I wanted to see who called me, so I checked the caller ID and it was from the hospital in the town where my dad lives.  I thought "oh shit."  I called the number back, but there was no answer.  So I'm thinking maybe this is a room # or something and no one's in there to answer it right now.  I don't know what to do at this point, but just wait it out and see if someone calls back. I tried my dad's house, but he didn't answer.  I hope everything's alright.  It has me a little worried.

So, how is everyone this very, very chilly fall evening?  Queen, I know about lake-effect snow.  We get it here also.  Snow blows in from Lake Michigan.  That's really bad, to be out driving in it.  Last school year, that happened and I had to go to class.  Then on the way home, it was dark outside (all my classes start at 6:00 p.m.).  That was rough.  I was praying most of the way home.  No, actually, I was sucking down cigarettes one right after the other.  Today it's been 32 days since I quit those things.  I'm glad I did.  I can't afford it, and it was getting to the place where it would really hurt to breathe.  And breathe deep?  Forget it. 

Anyway, I hope all you ladies are doing o.k.  Like I said, you all asked for it.

[camille07]

That's Awesome!  Strangely, I used the word "befuddled" today which is a word I don't use  very often.  The word clearly conjures up the image of you getting a number from a hospital that is not quickly recognized.  Keep us posted on the Dad situation.  That experience can be nerve wracking indeed.

Cin-  Glad to hear about the 2nd interview, very good news.  I know this is it!  Any word on Stone?

Queenie- I was about to send out a search and rescue for ya.  Getting a little nervous when our queen is quiet.

Nothing much happening.  I was contacted to be a witness in small claims court.  Its regarding the pekinese and rottie attack this past saturday.  This is the owner's (pekinese) site (which is really great)    http://baileyslife.com/

Everyone be well, I'm thinking of you all.

Hugs,

Cammie

[Queen Tokelove]

Well, I'm sure we will be able to work with that title, Betty. No worries. If you don't get a call back to that number then maybe you can call the hospital you think it originated from?  I can usually tell the difference from what the first 3 digits of the number is to track down the hospital, maybe call the switchboard of the hospital and explain the situation? Just a thought. But I would also think that if there was any problem with your Dad, you would've heard from other family members? A lot of ifs.

You are prolly tired because you are just starting a new job and not use to such activity since you have been out of work for awhile. Not sure if your job requires you to be on your feet but maybe some Dr. Scholls would help, you know the commercial about gellin' and all that.

We get lake effect snow from Lake Erie so I know what a bitch that can be. I am still trying to get the other car up and running before the snow hits. At the moment, my fingers are crossed and the person who is trying to figure out what is wrong with my car seems to be a little befuddled right now. *sighs* So that leaves me feeling a bit frustrated considering that I need a car to get me to doctor appointments and such.

Camille-- I have only been quiet over here. If you were to peek over in Off Topic or Living With, you'd see I have been quite vocal. I had to even defend Cindy's honor. Just call me Wonder Woman....*Yells, Can I get my theme music please* Now check out my spin.....

[MOONLIGHT1114]

In the distance, Cindy hears echos of ?  Could it be?  Wonder Woman!!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=DnzaTX407Wo&mode=related&search=

BT~  I agree, if you know which hospital it is, call and ask if your father is registered there, also ask if they recognize the phone number that you were called from.  I don't sit idle, I usually check it out, ask Queen!

Stone sent me an email last night, and we'll leave it at that for now.  Some things are "befuddling" right now.

Wish me luck on the negotiations tomorrow, I almost can't believe this potential employer is real.  I'm going to pick his brain tomorrow.

~Cindy

[Dragonette]

Betty, I know what befuddled means, almost always befuddled.

Keeping my fingers crossed all is OK. Please keep us posted.

Cind, I'm sitting on my hands here not to write ..... I'll wait till it's official, but I'm so damn happy for you. You made my day.

This is going to be short, but you're all on my thoughts. A long day ahead b/c a friend is having a party, it's beautiful outside, I cancelled a meeting with my boss at the excuse that my new room isn't ready (but the realy reason is I don't want him to see how clueless I am). The only thing burdening me is the bloody unresolved resistence issue and the stress I cause my own parents.

I want to quite smoking too. I know I aonly smoke 1-2 a day (more if I'm partying or on holiday), and that's why it's so hard to quite. I used to be a chainsmoker for quite a few years though so it's not like I haven't done the damage.

Have to work... catch you all later.
Hugs,
PS Betty, love the new avatar!
PS PS Camille, I can't believe people go to court over a dog fight (although, I hate these big dogs who are almsot always owns either by wanna be gangsters or by clueless people who have no idea how to control them - so actually hate the owners not the dogs themselves)... "and then, your honor, this big mean dog here bit that soft white fluffy one, shaking him with his teeth and if that lady there didn't intervene, he would have murdered him"
-"your honor, I object, this is an interpretation, we don't know what the intent was and we don't know what was said to provoke it"

(obviously, too many court dramas in the course of my life...)

[BT65]

Good morning ladies:

So, I did call the hospital last night.  My dad at the time I called was in the ER.  I talked to his nurse.  They admitted him.  See, my dad has a really hard time breathing because of his emphysema. (yet he still smokes).  So he drove himself to the hospital, all out of breath.  He's been having pain also, and the doc thinks it could be a kidney infection.  My dad hardly ever drinks water.  It's coffee, soda and milk.  So, anyway, I talked to my dad's ER nurse.  He told me that my dad wanted to go home.  They wouldn't let him, because as his health was, he would've been a danger to other people on the road.  They offerred him an ambulance ride home.  I guess the doctor ended up sitting at my dad's bed for an hour and a half talking to him, finally convincing him to stay in the hospital.  So hopefully I should know more today when I call.

Cin, I am so excited for you.  It's about time!  I will really be looking forward to your posting after you see the company's prez! 

Cammie, good luck with the court thing.  Do they usually have the dogs in the court when something like this happens? 

All you other ladies-have a great day!  I wish I could go back to bed, but, I made a commitment, so I guess I'll stick it out, for today at least.

[MOONLIGHT1114]

Winky, winky, look who is up EARLY!!!!  LOL  I figure if I woke up at 530am yesterday with low sugar, then today I could get up before the alarm went off.  Its all getting me ready for a work schedule.  I am up early because I am taking Cheech to be groomed, and he has to be dropped off at 8am or so.

Its 53 degrees here this morning, I slept with the windows open last night for the first time in forever, and it was wonderful!

I have to ask the opinion of you guys here on something, cause I feel like I'm cheating, but as far as I can remember, I'm not "bound legally."

This employer I met with yesterday wanted to bring me in immediately.  He has had ads in the paper for months, and chances are, I have applied, but my resume got lost in the stack.  There were a few hundred resumes, and one admin assistant at the company has been known to "throw out" resumes because of her own insecurity over losing her job.  (Shouldn't she be fired by now anyway?  Maybe they can't prove she actually did this, its merely speculation....)

So, a recruiter sent me to this company.  But I really think I applied online before and they just haven't found my resume, like I said.  If I go through the recruiter, I'll be making 25% less during 3 months on the recruiter's payroll, and then I'll have an additional 3 months on the employer's payroll before I am eligible for his benefits.  I don't need the health coverage right away, as I have COBRA and MADAP.  I COULD wait for the benefits for 6 months, but I am anxious to get the dollars in my pocket and pay off credit card debt that I have lived off of this summer.  (Its a zero percent, so I have time, but I need to start making bigger payments.).

So, I really don't think I signed a contract with the recruiter, I can't really remember, I just did payroll paperwork in case I was placed somewhere.  Don't get this wrong, the employer has the means to pay the overhead to the recruiter, he has the means to pay the finder's fee, which isn't small.  He said he would have no problem doing this.  He is just showing concern for me, wanting me to get paid what I'm worth from the get-go.

So what do I do?  Post early as I meet with him today!  Maybe I'll post in the main threads so the guys can respond, too.......

Struggling with my conscience.........

~Cindy

[cjc]

Hello Ladies.              Betty, nice title.  Sorry to hear about your dad. Hope everything  works out okay.                                     I have been inspired by your example and have a prescription for Chantix awaiting me at the pharmacy. I work a double today but will pick it up tomorrow.                                                              Ml, good luck with the interview.                                               Queen, congratulations on your year. Love you and your posts so I look forward to seeing you for a long time.                             everybody else, hope you are well and happy. Later,   Cristy

[Dragonette]

Betty,

I'm sorry to hear your gut feeling was right. Hope your dad gets better soon.

ML, I agree with Iggy on the other post, but money is just money... in my opinion not worth stressing over. If you can get out with no risk, great, but if you're risking not getting the job at all, it's not worth it. If I were you, I'd sign the deal now, not worth losing sleep over.

Hugs to everyone (yes I'm a Hugger...)

[Queen Tokelove]

Hey, I got a cool nickname for you girls. Actually it just came to me. I love how some weed really gets you to thinking... Anyhoo since I am a Queen and you all are my girls, you all are now officially my "Ladies in Waiting". Waiting for what you say, well, hell you are all waiting for some particular thing if you think about it and I have to have a Royal court. So now it is Lady Moonlight, Lady Em, Lady Betty, Lady Camille... You get the idea...

Lady Betty--- I am glad you decided to call the hospital and see what was going on. Obviously your Dad felt something was wrong and didn't ignore it. His doctor sounds like a good one to sit there and talk with him over and hour. I'm glad he decided to keep him and are treating him, hope he gets better soon.

Lady Moonlight--- I have to agree with Lady Dragonette and Sir Iggy about the recruiter thing. So, let your conscience be clear. Now what is going on with you not being able to sleep? Now we can't have that.

Lady Camille--- Not a surprise to me that you were called to be a witness. I watched a few episodes of Judge Judy where folks were suing other people about attacks on their pets. They are even thinking about starting a ban here on pittbulls which I think would be a good thing. There are people here who fight their dogs or make them attack cats for entertainment.

Well, I am off to go play some royal games.....

[camille07]

Alright, I'm pissed.  I spent about 20 minutes on a post this morning and now its gone....grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Let me go back into the "way back" machine and recall what the hell I posted.

Ok-  BT, I was really sorry to hear that your feelings were correct about your dad, but at least you found out and weren't left in the dark.  Emphysema is rough, especially if the person is still smoking.  My most excellent Grandmother was dx'd with emphysema and smoked until the day she graduated from this life.  My heart goes out to you.

Your majesty, you're so right, we are all waiting for something.  I'm waiting for my house to be sold and my divorce to be finalized.  Selling a house right now is like getting blood from a stone, cliche I know.  We have lots of looky lou s but only that.  It's the up keep that seems to be very frustrating, especially due to the size of the house and the constant cleaning.  I'm blessed in the sense that the ex and I get along swimmingly, where as, it could have easily taken the "war of the roses" path. 

Drag-  I would love it if they allowed dogs in court.  Technically, my pupski was witness to the attack.  I think she's more better behaved than some of the  people on those daytime court programs.

Ok toodles girls, hopefully this makes it to the forum.

Hugs to you all, Cristy, Em, Tendai, Belief,  and Cindy. Hope I didn't forget anyone.   

Cammie

[MOONLIGHT1114]

BT~  I'm glad you called the hospital , and happy to hear that your father was given such great attention!  Please let us know how he's doing.  Are you doing OK?  Thinking about your new job and your Dad and all?  I hope so.  I owe you a lot of big hugs so here's one for you tonight.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{BT}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Queen~  Funny how pretty boy still hasn't addressed the issue with you, yet keeps "checking in" to let you know he hasn't forgotten about you.  That equals control freak, perfectionist, insecurity......gheez.

Drag~  Glad to hear that you and Iggy see things my way.  The recruiter could never pay me what I'm worth, and why wait 3 months anyway?  To be polite?  I don't think so!  How are you doing with all of your stress and stuff?  What's the latest from your case manager and doctor?  I can't remember if/when you're having labs done again.  Just smile, it'll be alright.   

Cam~  So you get to be a Judge Judy girl!  It IS pretty lame how that lady took a dog that SHE was getting used to, to a park to run loose.  WTF?  Let us know how the doggie drama pans out!

OMG I am exhausted!!!  Got Cheech out early today from the groomer's, came home and got ready for my 3pm interview with the owner.  He talked my ear off, but that gave me more detail as to what the company was all about.  I was supposed to meet with the GM again, but the talk with the owner went from 3pm to 430pm!  I had an appt for my neck at 5pm, and the guys were busy anyhow.  So, the GM will call me tomorrow and we will negotiate.

I kept telling the owner that I really wanted to be challenged in a career.  I want to learn more and see what I am made of, I don't like to be bored.  I told him that I know AP, AR and Payroll as well as I know English, but I wanted to learn more about how to read the financial reports and gague where the company is going.  This is what the owner is looking for.  He says the current bookkeeper isn't that knowledgeable, can't get things done on time and doesn't have the desire nor the ability to achieve higher goals.

I asked the owner how much training I would get and he said "none."  I smiled and said, "Well you've got to show me something to get me started here!"  I am nervous as all hell, but many people today have told me the same thing.  We tend to sell ourselves short and stay in our comfort zone, where its safe.  I am psyching myself up for tomorrow.

"The greater the risk, the greater the gain."

~Cindy

[emeraldize]

Cindy

You've solicited all sorts of input on an issue that shouldn't require input at all.

You either signed a contract or you didn't. Yesterday, you really didn't think you signed a contract, today, you write that you didn't.

There shouldn't be such machinations over conscience issues. It's very clear cut. If you're uncertain as to whether or not you signed a contract, call the recruiter, he or she will be able to tell you.

Bottomline, to use a bookkeeping term, the way you've told all of us the story, whether you think recruiters are a dime a dozen, full of crap, not worth their salt, or whatever...this particular recruiter lined you up with the interview--the very interview that appears to be resulting in a position. And, that is precisely why you are having rapidly waning conscience agita.

If you did sign a contract and your new boss agrees to cover for you if the personnel agency rep should call, then I'd say you've found the perfect employer for you.

How would you feel if you were the recruiter or the owner of the personnel agency?

Since you solicited advice in both In A Dark Place and Dating, I'll copy my response accordingly.

Em

[MOONLIGHT1114]

Hi Em~

You're right, it was my conscience getting the best of me cause I like to do the right thing, but in this case, I have been torn.  I had paperwork here at home today with tons of fine print, so I have since double-checked it.  There was no contract that I was bound to, but I wanted to make sure there was no loophole.

Sorry, just coming off of the other thread replying to you and AustinWesley, and I don't know who the hell he is! 

Befuddled,

~Cindy

edited bec I was dopey on cold meds, lol

[BT65]

Good morning ladies:

Cin, if you aren't "bound" by the recruiter, then I wouldn't worry about it.  But that's me.  You probably were led to this job (even if it was via the recruiter) for a reason.  If you want to make the money now, then go for it!  Don't worry about feeling you "owe" the recruiter anything.  They probably deal with this type of stuff all the time and somewhat expect it.  I know you'll make the right decision.  Let us know how it's going!

Queen, I love the Ladies in Waiting.  Yes, right now, I'm waiting for the day to be over.    I remember when I used to smoke pot I used to get aggravated because I would "think" too much.  I haven't smoked in years, because it makes me extremely paranoid.  When I was a teen-ager I used to love the highs, but the last time I smoked any (which was probably like 8 or 9 years ago) I was worried about falling over if I stood up!   Not sure why that was. 

Cammie, I do hope your house sells soon.  You're right, houses aren't selling right now.  They're not here either.  The economy isn't in good shape.  I think the major reason is that people are either losing their jobs (from them being outsourced) or are worried about losing their jobs.  Also, of course, the costly war in Iraq.  I can't believe Bush's thinking.  That's why I have a bumper sticker on the back of my car that reads:  Bush-Putting the "Con" Back in Conservative Since 2000.  Because that's what he is-a big con.  He's also a war criminal.  But I won't go into my political spiel right now.  I could go on for a long time.

Cristy, how are things going girl?  Haven't heard a lot from you lately.

Em, how are things with you?

If I missed anyone, I apologize.  I hope all of us ladies have a really great day today.  TGIF!

[Dragonette]

Cindy,

I hate woprk agencies and think of them as blood sucking parasites, BUT, when I talk about sleeping soundly, I mean, if you get a bad rep or blacklisten with the agency or even agencies (not sure they don't keep each other in check, they may compete but also collaborate), how much tension will it put you in when trying to excel in your new job, to make it your last and final job in your area? As I understand it, we're only talking about the first 3 months here (or 6?0 that you get less and then you will get yopur worth? Am I right?
Additionally, asides from the agency, there is a person working there who got you the job. How will it affect them and will they get into trouble?
Finally, although you haven't signed anything, make sure they can't hold you liable to a verbal agreement or something like that. remember that a recruiter f***ing you over is just doing their job, but you trying to pull a similar thing (b/c people here have said that they'd do the same to you, and of course they'd have no qualms about you) is not part of your job but part of your life, so there's an assymetry here.

I am most probabaly overcautious,. but I believe in staying out of trouble. I understand your conflict and I am not always one to do things inside the strict brackets, but think carefully of the longterm consquences cos this might not be your last job.

Love ya,

[camille07]

Hey ladies,

Its a rainy friday, but I'm liking it. It's an ominus day of October, the leaves are changing and yet, they are collecting in the puddles like a child's watercolor.

I too have been to recruiter's years back, some good, some bad.  I landed a really good position through one of them so I can't express utter disregard and disappointment.  Also, a contract is a contract.  You don't want to side step them if you were obligated my your signature.

[confusedme]

Hello ladies! I am finally finished reading. I feel like I already know all of you. I feel a little out of place posting in the dating threads since I am married but my marriage probably provides as much drama as dating.

I was feeling really good today about disclosing to a friend of mine. She is as close to family as anyone could be. I claim her over many of my blood relatives. Now I feel horrible because my husband does not agree with my decision to tell her. Maybe I shouldn't have told him that I did. I just make a point of not lying to him. My honestly took us from happy to hell in 2.3 seconds flat today. Oh well to steal a quote from the queen "mother fuck it..." This one may cause more like ten tears though.

I had all these things I wanted to comment on but now I am so blank. I do know that y'all gotta teach me the lingo and terms. I don't have a clue what an ID doc or a PN is.

Queen, I so hoped that I would read somewhere before now that your son came to his senses and came home. I was also hoping to hear that Boo made up his mind to take care of himself.

ML, congrats on the possible job. I have always had the worst luck with job hunts. Seems like it always takes moths to find something. Hope things are still good with you and Stone.

Cam, I am so sorry about Ian. Sounds like he was more out there than you needed anyway.

SS I have been trying to follow the cop 1 and cop 2 story. I guess the similar fake names get me. If I remember right though #1 is seperated with a child on the way. I agree with others about him and hope you are continuing to focus on #2.

Everyone else, I'm sorry I can't remember your stories right now.

[MOONLIGHT1114]

Hi Confused~

Welcome to the Forums

I am still on the job hunt, waiting for a call back, hopefully to negotiate.

BTW, "ID" refers to "Infectious Disease Doctor" and PN?  Maybe you mean "PM"?  PM stands for Personal Message, which is the email function within this website.  After you post three times, you can start to use the PM function to email other members.

You are most certainly welcome to post here, married or not!  Its our diary, our journal, and its a good place to be!  This Forum got me through some tough times over the summer!

~Cindy in Maryland

[confusedme]

BTW, "ID" refers to "Infectious Disease Doctor" and PN?  Maybe you mean "PM"?  PM stands for Personal Message, which is the email function within this website.  After you post three times, you can start to use the PM function to email other members.

Hmm....maybe I am confused but it wasn't PM that I saw. I've been on a couple of other message boards like this so I am familiar with that. It was several threads back...maybe dragonette, who mentioned a PN (?) appointment. I think that her parents set up for her but it wasn't in her home country.

[MOONLIGHT1114]

Ahhhh.......

PN = peripheral neuropathy (extremities, i.e. fingers and toes, hands and feet)

which is very hard to spell when you're taking cold meds!   

[camille07]

Hey confused-

I sent you a PM (personal message).

Welcome.

Cammie

[Dragonette]

Hi Confused,

welcome!
I read your story on the intro thread. I am so sorry about the miscarriage.

hugs,

[BT65]

Good morning ladies:

Well, yesterday completed my first full week of work.  It was a pretty rough week, working until 4 and then Tuesday and Thursday night going to class at 6:00.  But I made it.  After next week, my regular schedule of 9-2 will kick in. 

My dad was released from the hospital yesterday.  My brother brought him home.  I don't know how much longer my dad will be able to live by himself.  There is a visiting nurse that's going to be going to his house to check on him and whatever it is they do.  But he's very confused, aggitated etc.  And he's pretty noncompliant with what they (the doc's) tell him to do, works himself into a tizzy and expects everyone to drop everything and come to his rescue.  He does this all the time.  I think he is developing alzheimer's and also a lot of lack of oxygen to the brain because of his continued smoking and emphysema (lack of circulation).  I'm not sure what our (his kids) next move will be when it comes to his care.  I live in a different city than he does, and although it's only like 25 minutes away, I can't go over there every day.  I have a sister and brother-in-law who live in the same town, but they both work full-time, so they can't go over there every day.  I also have a brother who lives in the same city that I do, but he teaches four days a week in two colleges here.  My other sister lives in Arizona.   We all call him every day.  And of course those of us who live close do go over to his house.  I do his shopping every other week, and the weeks I'm not there, my brother goes over and cleans his house.  My sister who lives in the same town he does does his laundry and goes over there frequently.  And my sister in AZ calls him every day, sometimes two-three x a day.  So I could use some good energy as we prepare to deal with whatever happens at this phase in his life. 

Queen, do you still see your son?  How is he doing?  Cin, how is your cold?  I hope you're over it by now.  If you're not, I would see the doctor.  Girl, you don't want to mess with getting really sick! 

Confused, welcome to the jungle.   This isn't just a "dating" thread.  I'm not dating anyone.  Like Cin said, it's our diary.  It's where we connect with each other every day.  For me, it's where I get a lot of my strength.  I hope to see more from you.  And I hope all the rest of you ladies, Cammie, Drag, Em etc. have a great morning.  Today I have to go see the girl I sponsor, do laundry, clean my apartment and write one of my reports for school.  Whew!  I could use good energy today.  Take care everyone-

[MOONLIGHT1114]

Good Morning GFs~

I am coughing but its more productive today.  I can breathe through my nose, but my nasal passages are slightly swollen now.  I'm wondering if this is an allergy thing?  I go to see my doctor on Tuesday, doing OK, not too run down.   

I didn't get the call back from the GM yesterday.  He is the first guy I met with last Weds who wanted to hire me direct.  He is extremely busy so I look forward to hearing from him next week.  I should also be hearing from the landscape company that I interviewed with, where the female CFO and I hit it off really well, personally and professionally.  Funny thing, this week in Career Builder, the company had an ad placed for an AP person to work just for one week, and they weren't going to pay much.  So, they must really be struggling.  Good to know.

A lady I know from a previous job wants to interview me for PT.  She called yesterday and wants to meet me next week.  She was someone I dealt with over the phone, about our office equipment, but we never met.  She's concerned I will work PT and then someone will snatch me up for FT.  I explained to her that nothing has come through for FT, so I was considering two PT jobs.  She had called to say that my resume was the best one she had seen, it really made me feel good, considering I've been under the weather, jobless and haven't emailed Stone back yet. 

I was a little lonely last night, but that happens when I'm tired.  I'll be OK soon, hopefully this cold thing, whatever it is, will clear up.

BT~  Its good to hear that there are 5 of you to call Dad and check in on him.  You're close by, too, so that must be a relief!  Does he have any means to afford a nurse or someone to come by and check on him for meals daily?  Maybe an ad in the paper would help with this, I see them all the time.  I'm glad to hear you made it through your first week at work, along with classes, too!  I will prob crash and burn whenever I start a job again.  I'll have to monitor my diabetes closely, and make all sorts of adjustments with my insulin.

I wonder where Sunseeker is?  She was going to see Cop #2 from last Sunday to last Thursday.  Girl I guess you're back at work, but let us know how things went, ok?

OK, GFs, its off to make more tea, which I am getting sick of, lol!  I'll post more later on.

Have a great weekend.  I have Cheech, my recorded shows from the week and my Netflix.  What's a girl to do?  LOL   

~Cindy

[Queen Tokelove]

What's Up Ladies......HOLLA IF YA HEAR ME.....

Not much going on with the Queen today. Just sitting back and watching the VH1 Hip Hop Awards. Feeling a little hyped cause I was raised on the stuff and was DJing at the time. Ah, the memories, it just warms this old girl's heart. What can I say? The Queen has many sides...

As for my son, he has made a few appearances. I had an Army recruiter calling here for him and I thought he was considering the military. He says he doesn't know how they got my number but I had passed his cell number on to the recruiter, they can call him. He is waiting to get something from the job corp so I am thinking he is considering that option.

I have spoken to Boo off and on. Not really sure what is going on there to be honest. We don't talk as much as we use to. I don't know if that has changed because I was harping on him about his health or if he has found someone else. Honestly, I haven't really been giving it much thought. I guess men don't want a good woman anymore....

Betty-- I am glad that your father got out the hospital. It seems to me that your family is doing all they can to keep an eye on your Dad. It does sound like he needs a nurse to stop by and check on him between family visits. Maybe that will ease some of the stress of you and your family.

Cindy-- Glad you are going to see a doctor soon, sounds like you have been sick just a little too long. I still have my fingers crossed for you on the job. Scratch Cheech on the belly for me....

I am still trying to do maintanance on my computer. It just seems like it is running too slow and I don't have a lot of programs on it so I am a bit at a loss. I have been running virus scans and catching things here and there. I beat my computer game for now. I need to invest in one of those cards you can put money on so I can buy another diner for my game then I can move on...That's about it for me, for now....

[MOONLIGHT1114]

Hi GF~

Just signed in and saw your post.  Cheech and I walked for about 2 miles today through my hood.  It was a nice change to get out.  He has officially been scratched on the belly, btw!   

I have the movie "300" on Netflix to watch and some vampire one with Alissa Milano.  I think its called "Embrace of the Vampire."  So, off into fantasyland I go tonight. 

I just took an hour to look at 2 photo albums full of 1600 pics that I put together years ago.  Its a timeline of my life from birth until Christmas '93, right when I got diagnosed.  Makes me sentimental and a little sad, seeing pics of my late husband, of the old BFs that maybe I would have fared better with if we had stayed together.....I could keep saying "What if....." all night and drive myself crazy, but its still nice to look back at the loved ones that are gone from my life now.

I may be back on later, GF.

I'll Holla Back.

~Lady Moonlight

[MOONLIGHT1114]

*SCAMMER ALERT*
Well, there are a few more dumb asses trying their luck here.  Have you GFs seen these guys?  I am ready to remove my ad, all I get are the Nigerians trying to look like something I'd be interested in.

Oh, and the scammers NEVER capitalize their i's at the beginning of a sentence -- dead giveaway.

oceanndriive2   - NY, NY

morgan2online - looks like Billy Ray Cyrus, out of Alabama, I believe, longish hair.  I told him to F off and he replies with "I don't understand?"  A non-scammer would understand, trust me.

[vivyt]

Hi all! I posted a loooooong time ago and have just been reading since then. You all give me so much hope... I think this is a good place to be regardless if I am dating or not. I am single but afraid to be out there. Sometimes I think I may be in a little bit of denial about the disease. I just act like nothing has changed. I know that is not a good place to be and I am working on it. The "gentleman" who infected me (who I refer to as Mr. Wonderful) denied having it, despite the fact that he is the only person I have been with. What a catch huh? Well, he still comes into my life off and on. This has been going on for 12 years. There is a whole story behind this relationship that I will save for later. I just wanted to kind of chime in again. You ladies are great!

[confusedme]

Thanks to everyone for the welcomes. I am really glad to be here, regardless of circumstance.

Betty, I will be thinking about you and your family. I know dealing with the affects of Alzhiemer's can be difficult.

Cindy, sending you feel-better and job-finding vibes.

Queen, I hope you get your computer problems fixed. I have found that a lot of the game downloads carry something with them, if only adware. Even that can slow your system down. My virus scan just picked up on some adware from that new game "babyluv" from the playfirst site.

Viv, sorry if I'm being too nosey, but are you still seeing him or does he just keep popping up?

[vivyt]

Con, don't worry. You are not being nosy at all. I was diagnosed in May of this year and I told Mr. Wonderful immediately. After he denied being positive I did not hear from him until September. He had been calling me and I never answered because I did not know the number and then one evening I picked it up. It was him and we talked and then he showed up at my house.I was shocked. We avoided the pink elephant in the room and did not talk about much. He basically wanted to have sex. I told him no and then that was it. We started communicating through email after that and that's about it as of now. There is a long history between us and it is a totally unhealthy relationship that I am trying to move on from. That's about it.

[BT65]

Hey Viv, good to see you on here again.  I remember that cute doggie avatar of yours!  Hey, just try to cut things off with this guy.  He doesn't sound like any type of human you need in your life.  I know it gets lonely, but, hey we're here!

Con, I'm glad you're feeling welcome.  If you follow along with us, you'll find your social life will improve greatly.

Queen, I wonder if your son would think about going into the army.  Sometimes that's good for people, and sometimes not.  Don't know hardly anything about computers or why yours is slow.  Mine is when I first come on this site.  I don't know what these people switched to, but sometimes it still runs extremely slow when I'm on here. 

Cin, I do hope your cold is starting to clear a little.  I'm glad you see your doc Tuesday.  It sounds like you might need an antibiotic.

My father will have a visiting nurse stopping by every couple days to check on him.  Medicare covers that.  So there will be someone checking on him pretty regularly besides us kids.  He got put on an antibiotic and Prednisone (for the inflammation in his airways).  Prednisone always helps him breathe better.  He was telling me that the hospital was asking him if he has a smoke alarm.  He has one, but of course it's in the closet.  That made me think, "you really need one dad."  He has a tendency to fall asleep in his recliner.  It would be awful if a fire started and he didn't wake up because of having no smoke detector.  He thinks it's going to go off every time he smokes.  I told him that I have an alarm and when I smoked it didn't go off.  I don't know if I convinced him to have someone put one up or not.  Other than that..... today is church and I deacon today.  I have to do a report for one of my classes.  I did one yesterday that was eight typed pages.  It took me until 8:00 last night to get it done, and I had been working on it since 2:00 in the afternoon.  I also saw the girl I sponsor yesterday, which went well.  Still smoke free ladies!  Hope everyone is doing o.k.-

[cjc]

Hello Ladies.              Betty, nice title.  Sorry to hear about your dad. Hope everything  works out okay.                                     I have been inspired by your example and have a prescription for Chantix awaiting me at the pharmacy. I work a double today but will pick it up tomorrow.                                                              Ml, good luck with the interview.                                               Queen, congratulations on your year. Love you and your posts so I look forward to seeing you for a long time.                             everybody else, hope you are well and happy. Later,   Cristy

Hello Ladies. i am kinda burned out so will be posting less for a short time. Betty,I did get a neat Chantix starter kit, I can smoke for the first week as the medicine builds in my system and my quit date is the 18th. Thank you for the inspiration. Ladies, will post again in a few days. Hope everyone is well.  Cristy

[Queen Tokelove]

I guess we are all a little quiet these days.....

[BT65]

Good morning ladies-
 
How is everyone doing?  Yes, Queen, we are quiet nowadays.  I wonder if it's the change of seasons.  I know my body has to adjust.  Today it's supposed to be 75 degrees.  This is so screwy, one day in the 40's, the next in the 80's, back to 40's, today in the 70's.  It's a wonder more people don't have pneumonia.  I still have to stop by my doctor's office to get my flu shot.  I know that's probably right around the corner. 

Cin, I hope your cold is doing better.  Glad you see your doctor tomorrow.  Will you be getting blood test results?  Keep us posted on those. 

I got my last blood work results last Tuesday.  My t-cells are 614, but my viral load is 224,000.  My doctor said that he wants to retest in 3 months and if it's the same, he will start me on some new regimen.  Not sure what that will be.  Maybe it will stabilize and I won't have to go on something new.  I hate the adjustment period on meds.

I hope all you ladies have a good day.  Come on girls, start talking....

[Dragonette]

Hi Ladies

I ahd a really good weekend, and the sun was shining, but Monday morning I got the news from the doctor in London (whom I pay to review my file because the Dutch system is so slow), he said what I already new but needed to confirm, I am up shit's creek with my health, I am resistent to some NRTI's and now to 2 out of 3 or all 3 NNRTIs (and those coming in the future), and if I don't change now I will become resistent to all NRTIs, that is one big drug family. Frankly, what he wrote is I should have acted a long time ago when I became detectable, and the longer I wait the longer I am playing with fire...

And the Dutch doctors, you ask? well, I am still trying to reach the nurse and see if he talked to the doctor and what did the doctor say..
The Dutch will <probabaly> keep me alive but they will certainly will not keep me well... if you lived here you would understand. They have the resources, the money, the qualifications, they just don't have the human factor.

Well, as long as I'm ranting, I'm not crying.

Off to smoke...

[BT65]

Drag, you just hang in there girl.  There are more than just NNRTI's coming down the pipeline.  I know we live in different countries, but I think you should be able to take advantage of some of these new meds.  Is there another doctor you can switch to?  I guess I'm not understanding why you would have to go somewhere where they treat you less than human. 

I myself am resistant to PIs.  And several other HIV meds. But, you know what they say, as long as there's breath, there's hope.  I believe that.  You just hold on girl.  Something is going to work out.  Cry if you have to.  It might make you feel better. 

Sending a lot of positive energy and a HUGE {{{{{HUG}}}} to you!

[emeraldize]

Drag and BT,

I want both of you to fare well on Regimen Trail and am envisioning accordingly.

Em

[Dragonette]

Thanks so much Betty & Em, thanks also for the PM, I am preparing for the best also... scheduled to see the gyno with my BF at the end of the month, although we are not working on having children, we are working on the idea

I'll keep you posted...

Cindy, how is it going with the job??? I'm waiting breathlessly here...

HUGS to one and all

[emeraldize]

we are working on the idea

Wonderful!!!!!!

[camille07]

Morning ladies-

Lots of drama in my life uggghhh.  Saw my dad yesterday.  He is home after hip replacement.  He is wonderful, but was really moody and cranky being on his meds....percocet.  and Iin his canktankerous mood, he yelled at me for ringing the doorbell and not just walking in.  My mom went out briefly so was not readily available to let me in.   I don't usually walk in b/c they are worse than young lovers  
Anyway am 38 years old , I regressed to being 10??? Tears welled up in my eyes and I was silenced by my quivering lip.  He apologized later but its amazing how I reduced to a child in seconds.  Can you say supersensitve?

Hugs to all

Cammie

[emeraldize]

Cammie

Next time, right before the quivers are gonna overtake you...try something new and have fun shouting back!! Kinda like a guy in a locker room or local diner.

Something in this instance like " Hey, watcha yellin' at me for? I'm just trying to give my old man a visit?  Oh and by the way, it's you and mom who raised me with such good manners. Now, what can I get for you? Water? Coffee?"

Em

[emeraldize]

UBotts

UBrave

UinNovember POZ

URock

[sunseeker]

Hi Ladies

well, I am back and it does feel nice to be back on the forum.  I have been missing you guys.  I came back from visiting Cop #2 and then came back to a depressing birthday and here we are. 

So much has seem to be going on while I was away and won't be able to comment on everything not to mention my cute little niece will be waking up anytime soon. 

First off WELCOME Confusedme and Vivyt  I look forward to getting to know both of you.

Well, I met cop #2 and he is really nice.  But there was not that spark there like I hoped.  I am not sure if it is me because I know he does not know and afraid of what his reaction will be or the fact that he lives 6 hours away so it would be hard to have a relationship.  But nonetheless we have still been texting every day.  We did get in a conversation about relationships in general and I told a little white lie about my friend having HIV and how she met this great guy and he is ok with her status, he then replied that was great of him but he was not sure if put in that situation would he be able to do it.  It would just depend on the girl.   So I am glad that he still does not know my secret.  I told him that if I got into a relationship I would want to take it really so.  He said the same, he was even nervous to give me hug.  He would like to come down and visit me and that would be fine with me.  We did not get to spend that much time together since he flaked one night (That is a whole different story) but  we had a nice afternoon together.  So we will see what happens.

Went to the doctor today and my blood work came back great, however he was not to thrilled about the hours of work I have been keeping.  But there is nothing I can do about it.  He said he would write me a note so I did not have to work 12 hour shifts, but we are so short handed there is nothing I can do. 

Well, my cute niece is waking up and I am off to pick up my co-workers daughter.  Well, I have missed all and glad to be back.  Sorry for not being able to comment on all of the posts, but I'll be back for a while.

Oh by the way.  I have not called cop #1 in two weeks and have been ok with that.    xoxoxoxoxoxo

[BT65]

Cam, girl, what can I say.  Sometimes it's that one person we might still have some issues with that can reduce us to plain old crocidile tears.  Maybe a good cry and a session with a therapist would help?  Or were you just feeling a little ouchy?  That happens to me, don't worry.  I wouldn't say you are super-sensitive.  Just a feeling human.

My my Em.  You just went on a roll earlier today.  Go on girl!

Cin, where are you?  I do hope your cold is doing better.  Don't let it get the best of you. 

Sun, I am so glad you aren't corresponding with cop #1 right now.  You don't need all that stress in your life. 

To all the rest of you ladies, have a great evening.  I'll be watching Jeopardy pretty soon and thinking of the times me and my mum used to play together.

[Queen Tokelove]

Is that a pic of you Em in your avatar? Well, not now since you changed to Bono. I hope that didn't come from me asking......


modified: because of Em's pic change...

[emeraldize]

Yep, GQ, it's me. No, I didn't remove it because of you---I was trying to do the cropping thing. First time I've had a successful upload. So, my avatar virginity was wrested away tonight. No candles. No dinner. No flowers.

Yes, BT, you're right. Slightly under the weather so staying warm and upright at the homemade TV set here. Brain must be slightly agitated, I suppose.

Might keep it up, might not. Might put up a picture of my vacuum cleaner! That is one fine piece of equipment.

Well, time to get some soup so as to be able to join you before lights out.

Em

[Queen Tokelove]

Well, let me say I am complete taken for a surprise. Nice pic, Em. But was I thinking you were black? I think because of something you said to me in a pm once but still it is good to put a face with the words...

I was thinking about posting for a few and just kinda roaming the site because I am royally PISSED. Who did it? Boo...And I have come to the conclusion that I am pretty much done. I have taken my rose colored glasses off and given up hopes of ever finding a soul mate. Bottomline is I think hetero men are just fucking hopeless. Why? They just don't seem to know what the hell they want or they are thinking with the wrong fucking head. Maybe Suntropic has a point and all they want are blowjob ninjas, to use his term. But then they whine about being alone when there is a good woman right there, WTF? Cindy can prolly relate more to my rantings because I was talking with her earlier via IMs.

The fucked up thing about it is I could lower my standards and become a whore but then I still would not be happy. But then having the standards I have, I am still not happy. I have thought about this on more than one occassion but usually just settling with excuses like the choice of men where I live but it seems that hetero men are the same no matter the location. The only men that seem to understand me are gay men which make great friends but why can't hetero men think more like gay men? It just really blows my mind and I am thinking I am destined to live my life alone or else just settle for whatever comes my way...How depressing....

[emeraldize]

. Nice pic, Em. But was I thinking you were black?

Hey thanks GQ! That's funny cuz I was gonna write in the earlier post. "Yep, it's me--I'm white! Every time I look in the mirror I just shake my head. Doesn't matter how many black-eyed peas or pork chops I eat. Chittlins and greens--maybe that'll do it. And with a hunk of sweet potato pie, please. "   Should have gone with my instincts as your post seems to indicate you could have used a laugh.

Ah well. I say it all begins with envisioning what you want, then aligning your actions to make it happen.

Why not take on Matty's referral and start NWPA PozHet. Maybe yours will be the first sister US city to the Aussie gang. Maybe your next romance is within a fifteen-minute ride of your place! Queen Akasha, founder of NWPA PozHet. Has a good sound to it.

Nighty night.
Em

[Queen Tokelove]

Ooooh a girl after my own heart, you gonna clean them chitlins right, Em... That is a good thought you made about PozHet here in NWPA but I wouldn't know the first thing on what to do. And like I said, I don't even know anyone else poz here. They seem to be hidden pretty much like I am.

[camille07]

I'm not sorry bono asked for his pic back, you look much better.   And I used to have a huge crush on the rocker in the old  days.

Queen, sigh. I know it gets frustrating.  Its usually when you say you're done someone pops up in your life. 

I got a phone call last at 10 pm.  It was from the infamous Jack.  I thought he was out of my life but apparently he doesn't think so.  He said if I was his real friend I would drive down and take him home cause he didn't have a ride home from work.  First off, I just took ativan, which makes me sleepy.  Second, he is an hour away.  Third, I don't want to be a friend to an ungrateful mooch who has created so much havoc and pain in my life.  In two years I have gone the distance for this guy, but I put an end to this months ago.  I said NO.  He started berating me so I hung up the phone.  He left me (no joking) thirteen voice mails about how rotten I was.  It struck a nerve like I can't explain.  It takes a lot for me to get so wound up that every word was an expletive.  Like I mentioned before is that I have given this guy everything from money, clothes, amps, electric guitars, paid for his HIV medication, drove him to the doctors.  Made him get tested originally.  Uggghhh. I'm getting worked up as I write this.   I thought this is suppose to be cathartic. LOL

Hope you girls have a great evening

Hugs,

Cammie

[MOONLIGHT1114]

Hi GFs~

Queen, that would be a good idea, to start a group in your area.  I have this feeling that a lot of pos people are right under our noses, but are just looking for a safe place to go to, where they feel they belong.

Em~  Nice to put a face with the screen name after so long!  

BT~  Yes, going to see the doc at 745am tomorrow and I'll be back to post my new labs.  But....this cough has got to give!  Every two days its seems to change some, for the better, but its not gone.  My nose is fine tho.

Cam~  Sorry Jack was working your nerves.  Plain and simple, you had taken your Ativan and couldn't risk driving an hour to get him.  He should have planned ahead sooner, but I understand how irritating this must have been for you.  Hang in there!

About the job, I didn't hear back from the GM Fri or today, so perhaps I will call tomorrow to see if the "position is still open."   I received a call tonight from another company that wanted to see me tomorrow, but I have this feeling the pay is low.  I told her I'd call her in the morning, as my insulin pump was acting up when I got the call at 830pm tonight.

Cheech and I went for a great walk today, about 45 minutes, and it was good to get out and forget about everything for awhile.  No worries about men, unemployment, cough....just me and my best buddy in the entire world!  

~Cindy

[emeraldize]

Ooooh a girl after my own heart, you gonna clean them chitlins right, Em... That is a good thought you made about PozHet here in NWPA but I wouldn't know the first thing on what to do. And like I said, I don't even know anyone else poz here. They seem to be hidden pretty much like I am.

As much as I'd prefer to do the greens, yes, I would put my detail freak side to work on cleaning 'em up properly for you, oh Regal One.

Don't fuss about starting the group. Write to the Aussie gang as MtD suggested. Ask them for ideas,what were their ground rules, how did they protect the group from curiousity seekers?

Then, see if you can tag onto an existing agency or say the Unitarian Church (that could be an excellent resource for a space and the one in your neck of the woods is a nice one, but rather far out)---some place closer to the city will probably get more people due to easier transportation. Maybe the Health Dept. would donate some space.

You could get the word out through the Health Dept, docs, nurses, ASOs, etc.

The Queen of Green and Folks As Yet Unseen!

[confusedme]

Hi ladies just checkin in really quickly before I turn in. I'll try to log in sooner tomorrow.

[BT65]

Queen, I think it would be great if you started a group.  They have an HIV support group here, but, alas, it's on a night I go to school.  It just started like a month ago.  And they've been successful, which I found different from what I'd been used to with HIV groups.  Usually hardly anyone shows up.  As far as men, girl, I just think the majority of them are looking for sex and someone to whine to.  The straight ones anyway.  I also with that straight men were more like gay men.  But that's probably not going to happen anytime soon.  I'm pretty good with the fact that I'll be alone until some kind of divine intervention intervenes.

Cam, love the picture!  Is that you?  You know what I found interesting about your post, is that it seems like the way you reacted to Jack was kind of like the way you reacted to your father.  Have you been going through something emotional lately?  Maybe I'm way off.

Cin, waiting anxiously for your lab report!  Maybe the GM hasn't called you back yet because the universe knows you need some time to heal physically.  You just hang in there.  Something will work.

Em, I like being able to associate a face with the name also.  I wish I knew how to move my picture over here, but the pixels (whatever that is, someone told me that was the problem) are too large.  I am not at all computer savy, so I have no idea what he was talking about or how to reduce them.

I hope all you ladies are having a good morning.  I'm going to do a real quick check of some other threads, then off to start the day.  Take care everyone-

[emeraldize]

Hey BT

I consulted with Tim (thunter) briefly and what you do, if you can figure it out, is to crop the pic about as small as you can to a head shot. Then, see if you can upload that size. Do you know how to crop a photo in Microsoft Photo Editor? That's where you do this.

I'm sure the talent pool here can assist. Worst case. Pick someone you trust, e-mail the pic, they'll crop, send back, you load.

I asked Cam the same thing on PM. Now WE are awaiting a reply. She looks Egyptian with a splash of flapper girl!

Got to start the day, too. Still under the fab fall weather, so I'll have to psyche up to blast through the door.

Em

[cjc]

Hello ladies. I am well, just getting ready to work ANOTHER double.          Em, love your picture. It is nice to have a face to put with the wonderful  words that you make.     Cristy

[camille07]

Morning Ladies-

Yes that was me last Halloween.  Em pinned it!  I was an Egyptian Flapper.

BT-  Interesting theory.  I wonder if I'm feeling more vulnerable than usual.  Not weepy, but feeling I have a zero tolerance for being "the cat", as in "kicking the cat".  Its when you come home from the job, doctors or any place  that has put you in a horrible mood.  When you enter, your cat comes running to you saying "love me love me" and you push your cat aside or take your emotions out on the poor little cat.  It seems we do that to the people we love sometimes. I've been guilty on that.  But, it seems, I've been the cat a lot in different areas of my life.  I'm trying to be understanding but you just get to a breaking point.  Well, I think I broke.

Cin-  I'm staying positive that you've got this job. Please keep us posted.

Hello to the rest of you girls, be well today or this evening, where ever you may be:)

Hugs,

Cammie

[emeraldize]

Thanks Cristy!

[MOONLIGHT1114]

Hi GFs~

I have a feeling that this is going to be a big post.  I have been SO productive today and have a lot to share!

Cam~  I don't think you're being too vulnerable, and if you are, so what?  I think making one's self vulnerable is actually a sign of strength, letting your walls down so that people can see the real you on the inside, and what YOU'RE feeling.  I only wish I could do the same more often!  So, you were tired from work, dad struck a nerve, Jack was a pain....You're allowed to get upset and pissed.  We can't be all things to everyone.  You seem to be a lot like me where Jack is concerned.  Saying "No" is a very powerful thing, something that not many people can easily do, but when it helps YOU, its advantageous!  I could never say "No" in my twenties, and always got stepped on.  I have learned to be honest in my thirties, and I don't always do what everyone wants.  I have ME to answer to, and I have to make sure that "Me" is OK. 

Em~  I like how you suggested that Queen consult a Unitarian church for group space.  A gay male in our support group here says he and his partner just joined a Unitarian church not too long ago, and they are both very pleased with it!

I saw my ID doc this morning and my jaw dropped when she started reading my labs!  A1C (diabetes test) is going slowly in the right direction and has dropped since July, cholesterol went from 200 to 166 and it has always been a problem for me, thyroid is stable after upping my Pravachol last spring, and my VL is still undetectable!  The icing on the cake was my CD4 count which went from 650 last July to 746! 

So, is it not going to work everyday, or stopping birth control, which has brought about these changes?  Or maybe none of the above?  Either way, I am satisfied, very satisfied.  I have been under a lot of stress this summer, but you know what?  I am always stressed about something or other.  Stress makes life exciting, in my opinion.  If things are easy and you're scooting along footloose and fancy free, I feel that either you're very fortunate, or else you're missing something, i.e. as in "oblivion is bliss."  I'd rather be in the know than be oblivious, that's for sure.

So, I got my labs and called my primary doc to try and be seen for this cough.  My ID doc said my throat looked fine, and my lungs sounded OK.     That was a surprise to me.  I was on hold with the primary's office for 15 minutes on my cell phone and finally hung up.  Instead I went to the Health Dept cause my CM had more paperwork for me to do.  The first thing she pulled out of my file was a xerox copy of my POZ spotlight in this month's issue!  I was so happy to finally see the entire bit, because online here you can't see the picture.  We filled out papers and then my CM went to get me a $10 gift card, a little "thank you" for coming in, and to help because I am unemployed.  My CM comes back with the gift card and a copy of POZ magazine, so I could have the article for myself!  I was tickled to see "Diagnosed in 1993" under my pic, proud that I have survived so long with this virus.   My CM also gave me a booklet called "Five Wishes" which serves as an advanced directive in case you're ever sick and hospitalized.  I think it serves as a nice guide and is very easy to read.  I am going to give my parents a copy of my wishes once I fill this out, so if that day ever comes, we'll all be better prepared, just in case.

So, the labs were good, the cholesterol was good and I was hungry!  I went to McD's to get a burger and fries, something I haven't done in awhile, so I treated myself.  I have been hiking with Cheech more lately since the temps are more tolerable, and I must say, its time for new aerobic/walking shoes.  Its Monopoly time again at McD's and what's on my game piece?  "20% Off at Foot Locker."     When I'm employed again, I will go get some new sneakers.  Little things like a coupon for something I really need are the best!

As far as the job......I called the GM back today and was a little confused at first.  It sounded like the position had been filled?!?!?  Or maybe he thought "I" was  a headhunter who was trying to send a new candidate over?  It was clear he didn't put two and two together at first about who I was.  I told him that I had come in 2x last week to meet with him and then with the owner, and the GM had his lightbulb moment and chuckled to himself.  He and the owner haven't had a chance to sit down and "talk" about me yet, so he said he would call me back by the end of today.  If he calls me by the end of the week, I'll be happy.  I called another woman back who called late last night, wanting to interview me.  I had only just applied online Sunday for the position, so its good that she called so soon.  She caught me off guard, calling so late in the evening, and I told her I may have an offer coming, so I would have to get back to her.  I got her voice mail today and basically stated what my previous salary range was over the past few years.  I didn't want to waste her time or mine, since this job is down the road and I'm not going to work for $25K a year.  I may hear back, I may not, at least I put it out there.

I called my primary doc again after I got home to a landline and the reason they didn't answer before was because its their first day doing flu shots at an office with six doctors.  No wonder!  I'm supposed to come in at 3pm today and wait a bit, but I'll be seen.  I'll have to pay a $20 copay to my primary, but today at my ID doc's, the copay was covered by the Health Dept for the first time, so it all works out.

I'm having a good day, in a good mood, but still antsy about being unemployed.  My last check will be in early December, and then my six months will have run out on unemployment.  Its getting down to the wire now, but I can do this, I can do this, I CAN DO THIS.

~Cindy   

[Dragonette]

cind, all great news... but the GM, where do they make these people, somewhere there is a hidden manufacturing plant for big important oblivious bosses isn't there... hey, I bet they make some doctors there too. I'm going to get my blood taken tomorrow and the doc relented to say he "might see" me, so if he does, I could be on Kaletra or Reyataz tomorrow evening, there is really no point in waiting, my other two docs (sounds like I have a team... but I consult with others, and with Newt and forum members here, only b/c my primary ones are so indifferent) were adamant that I should switch asap before more mutations develop.

Cam, i don't know what I'd do if my dad shouted at me. Probabaly cry... that's a tough one. Then again, my mum is always agitated with me over one thing or another, and I get insulted. When I visit them, there is always a crisis 2-3 days into the visit in which I regret ever coming and want to leave, always over something really dumb... still we love each other to death, and I'm sure yours do too. As for Jack, i don't know who he is, but good riddance... he sounds very energy draining and manipulative. I've been there numerous times, what woman hasn't  ? Good fo you standing your ground.

Em, i like the new pic, and strangely, you look just as I'd pictured you, which shows a consistency in character. I don't think I look like what people imagine. I imagine Betty too, I wonder if I'm right there.

Hugs and best wishes to one and all,

[MOONLIGHT1114]

So, two doctor's today say my throat looks fine?!?!?!  WTF?  This must be a seasonal allergy, of which I have never really had any problems with!

If you are a DOG LOVER, read the Ellen Degeneres thread here in the Forums.  Help to FREE IGGY!

You can sign the petition here as well!

http://www.petitiononline.com/FreeIggy/petition.html

[Queen Tokelove]

I saw the video from Ellen's show on Yahoo today. I thought what the shelter did was very ignorant to say the least. Funny, how they had no response to their actions, I think they are assholes. I hope Iggy gets returned to the little girls and for some reason if they don't then Ellen should get those girls another pet. I signed the petition even though I am more of a cat lover but loves all animals....

[BT65]

Wow, Cin, great news from the docs.  My cholesterol is slowly creeping back down to where it should be.  My A1C, however, was elevated the last time I had it done.  I have been eating a lot more sugary things since I quit smoking.  I'll have to get this under control.  Congratulations on the CD4's and viral load!  That must be comforting.  I bet the congestedness you're feeling is allergies.  If everything looks alright, what else could be the explanation.

Hey Queen, love your avatar of the Purple Prince!  I just love his music, old stuff as well as more recent. 

Well, today is hump day.  After today, it's all downhill.  That's what I keep telling myself anyway.  I have a whole new respect for telemarketing.  I mean, I hate to be called by them; that's why I'm on the do-not-call list.  Which, by the way, expires next year so you have to re-sign up, for anyone who's on it.  But anyway, the people we call are so rude.  And it's one call after another.  For this week, since it's the unofficial second week of training I'm working 9-4.  Then next week, I'm starting 9-2, which will be so much better.  But, we only get one 15 minute break.  The rest of the time is to be spent in front of the computer and on the phones.  Which is extremely wearing after awhile.  I get up and go the bathroom, step outside to stretch, or whatever.  I remember when I was a medical transcriptionist, they told us to get up every hour and get away from the computer screen for a few minutes.  Here they don't seem to care about things like that.  Ah well.  I keep telling myself that I can make it through this week, then next week will improve. 

In other news, my father cancelled the visiting nurse.  He is so stubborn.  He needs one, because he's getting pretty incompetent, but not incompetent enough to have someone become his guardian.  There's so much lack of oxygen to his brain because of the emphysema and smoking that he doesn't think clearly at all.  So he doesn't do what the doctors tell him, gets himself into a mess every time, and expects everyone to run to his rescue.  I know he's my father, and I suppose I "owe" him since he always supported the family, but sometimes it gets so aggravating.  I know now why my mother lost patience with him so often.  When she was ill, even when she was very ill, when he would wake up he would stay back in his bedroom and yell "help, help."  If she didn't answer him right away he would shout "PHIL!"  (Shortened version of my mum's real name, Phyllis).  He's very demanding.  Yes, just like a spoiled child.  Which is what he is.  When my mum was alive and healthy, she did everything for him (cooking, taking care of him when he was sick etc.).  I personally don't believe in going too far as far as taking care of someone one is in a relationship with.  I think people should be independent, so if something happens to the other person, they can be self-sufficient.  But, I now my parents are from another generation.  But, getting back on track, I'm not sure what to do about my father.  I just see things getting worse and worse. 

I guess I've ranted quite enough for now.  I hope all you ladies have a wonderful day-

[Queen Tokelove]

I guess this is where bluesy falls in for me on this thread. If you haven't read in the Living With thread, a member of our forum family has passed.......Christine.

I have never met Christine but she was one of the forum members who posts I have read religiously since being here. From reading her posts, I felt like I knew her and considered a friend even though I know she never realized it. My heart is truly heavy and there is so much I would like to say but am totally at a loss right now. Christine was and will always remain an inspiration for me. Oh Goddess, you just don't know how heavy my heart feels and I haven't felt like this since my father died. I would like to say more but the words just escape me at the moment. I know she is no longer in pain and she has gone to a better place. Christine, you will be missed......

[BT65]

R.I.P. Christine.

[MOONLIGHT1114]

Just like one of the guys posted in Christine's thread, now we have our own Angel who can watch over all of us.

God Bless You Christine 

[Dragonette]

I am just so sad today... the terrible news about Christine, my doctor prescribing the wrong dose after all the hassle of the last weeks just trying to get them to listen to me, and them admitting their mistakes... it's all such a mess.

I'm turning 34 tonight... nothing to make a big deal off, I celebrated by taking my first protease inhibitors, the right dose this time and not as it is printed on the bottle by the pharamcy according to the prescription from yesterday... I guess I am proud of myself for standing up to the docs even when they treated me like a pain in the butt. I am not mad at them cos I think they learned from their experience.

I feel so overwhelmed with Christine's death, she is one more forum member that I never personally communicated with, but always read, with respect and admiration and awe and quite a bit of fear and sadness. her last post with the birthday party was the saddest one... and then this news. It DOES happen, and I knew that for a long time, but somehow I hoped that it wouldn't.

Take good care of yourselves ladies, talk to you soon, lots of love.

[BT65]

HEY DRAG:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
So glad the docs listened to you and that you have the right dose.  Bottoms up!

[MOONLIGHT1114]

Drag~  I read your post in Jerry's thread about "Who is in charge, you or your doctor?"  All I can say is:

DRAG KICKED ASS!!

Today is your birthday?  OMG OMG OMG!  Happy Birthday, Drag!  Don't be sad, celebrate that you stood up to those docs when you thought you were right.  It certainly paid off! 

I have so much to post, but I am exhausted tonight, I've hardly eaten, and have been running around all day.  I'll try to catch up over the weekend.

If you wish to donate to the animal shelter in Christine's hometown, you can do so using this link provided by her husband:

Per Chris' request, and Christine's wishes, please make ALL donations to:

http://www.mollysplace.org/donate.htm


Smile and think of Christine as our light.  She will never suffer again like she did these past few months, and I know she's watching over all of us tonight and sending us strength! 

~Cindy

[Queen Tokelove]

Today has been a day from hell. I'm still feeling the loss of Christine but then I had my own drama that jumped off today in regards to my son. He came to see me today, went to the store close by to buy a t-shirt and got maced by my cousin's which is also his cousin's bf over what-----bullshit in a word and to keep it simple. But did it stop there? No, after the burning kinda calmed down it turned into a physical altercation. He almost got jumped again by members of the family which 2 were females but I wouldn't let it happen but he did end up fighting the bf, I guess you can say it was unavoidable with all the testerone flying in the air. During all this my niece shows up who in turn calls my sister, the one I really don't get along with. And him and her gets into it with her trying to put her hands on my son but me and my niece stopped that from happening. I am emotionally drained and my body is sore. I feel like I was the one fighting instead of being the voice of reason. This shit actually went on for about 2-3 hours all together but I was just grateful that my son wasn't hurt and the police wasn't involved...What a fucked up day.

[MOONLIGHT1114]

I'm drained, too, GF.

[sunseeker]

Hi Ladies

Hi had a whole post ready to go and when I used spell check it was lost.  So rather than re-write it I will leave it at those of you who knew Chrisitne I am sorry for your loss.  I did not know her but nonetheless she will be missed.  Just remember tomorrow is a new day and from the sounds of it, Christine would want everyone to look at it like that and smile and be thankful that we are surround by eachother, family and friends.  At like someone said there is an angel watching over us.

SS

[BT65]

Good morning ladies:

It is way early here, but I have to see my therapist this morning before I go to work.

Queen, what a day you had.  Thank goodness you were there, or hard telling what would have happened.  How is your son doing by the way? 

Cin, thanks for taking the bull by the horns, so to speak, about Christine.  I will certainly miss her, but like it's been said, she won't be suffering anymore.  I know she's looking in on us, making sure we're all doing what we're supposed to be doing. 

Sun, good to hear from you.  Sorry your post got lost.  They supposedly fixed this site from doing things like that, but I've noticed that sometimes it takes an extremely long time for things to post.  Sure wish they'd fix it!

I hope all you other ladies are doing alright.  I'm done with the two classes I've been taking.  Next week starts two more.  I'm so glad today is Friday.  I hope it zooms by.  Take care ladies-

[MOONLIGHT1114]

I'm gonna bake brownies and veg out this weekend.  I am spent, still stressed about not working.  I'll post more when I get a little energy back.

[sunseeker]

Hi Girls

Well, interesting turn on events.  Cop#1called and wanted to know why I had not called him.  I basically told him that I needed space and was dealing with my own crap of turning 34 last week and other emotional crap.  Of course he was at work and we could not talk for  long time but he would like to get together on Tuesday.  I am not sure how that is going to be or even if I want to see him.  I am very emotional over a lot of things.  Relationships to life in general.  My friend is trying to fix me up with a friend of hers and I am really not into it and the sad thing is that I know I would be into it if I was not +.  I am just not in the mood to allow myself to like someone and then have to tell them my status.  He seems like a fun person and he is very cute, but I just want to close myself off.   We have been talking on the phone and seem to have a lot in common and I just told him that if i was going to be in a relationship I wanted to take things really slow, hoping to deter him.  I even tried to judge his reaction and said that a friend of mine had HIV and she found a negative guy who does not care.  Not sure of his reaction he just said that must have been a hard conversation to have with someone.  So I have no idea, I am just have a lot of emotion and I am tired of putting on a facade and pretending that I am happy when I am not.  Well, that is enough for me.  Sorry for the depressing post, just needed a place to vent. 

[MOONLIGHT1114]

Sun~

You should have told Cop #1 the reason you haven't called is bec he's married and has a child on the way.  Tell him his focus should be elsewhere until things settle down some, this would certainly help to make it easier on you, since he tugs at your heartstrings.

I know how you feel about not wanting to date because of the inevitable disclosure.  It was a difficult hump for me to get over, but a few years back, I got fed up with being alone.  I put an ad on Match.com and started dating.  I thought that the socializing would be good, and who was to say that "I" might not like the dates I had?  I told myself I also had the right to choose, and didn't just discount myself because I was pos.  Sure, I felt like I finally had to nudge myself a little if I felt there was chemistry with someone.  Many ran, a few stayed, and I've had 3 LTRs since my husband died, all with HIV- guys.  It takes patience and confidence Sun, but you're headed in the right direction.  You'll get there!

For Sun..............

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lg8EhCphE5w

~Cindy

[BT65]

Good morning ladies:

Sun, I have to agree with our Cin here about Cop#1.  I would tell him to get his own life straightened out before you could even think about being involved with him.  You never know, he might go back to his wife.  And do you really want to be involved in a relationship with someone who left a woman who's carrying his child?  He might do it to you if you two got involved.

Cin, I love that song!  I couldn't turn it all the way up, as it is only 6:30 a.m. here, but believe me, I got up out of my chair and boogied to it!  I know you posted it for Sun, but let me tell you, I enjoyed it as well.  Hmmmm, you're going to be making brownies, eh?  I can smell them from here!

I'm so glad it's the weekend.  Today I'm going to color my roots, clean my apartment, do my dad's shopping and pick up a girl I sponsor.  We're going to go to a potluck/AA speaker meeting.  I usually go to NA, but I know the speaker at the AA meeting, and I want to hear her.  Then we're going to go over my sponsee's step she's been working on.  So that's my day.  I hope all you other ladies are doing alright. 

[Queen Tokelove]

Really nothing exciting has happened but last night was quite the shocker. My sister stopped over last night, you know the one who has coined me the aids infested bitch. I thought she might have come over to talk about my son but he never came up once during the time she was here. We actually had a civil conversation, she stayed for about an hour. I don't know what to make of this and is waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I am also wondering about my gas bill. I have been here for almost 2 months now and no bill. The last time I spoke with the gas company was when I was told that the deposit would be waived and I would have service. I am wondering if this is because I called the Federal Trade Commission and The Public Utility Commission on them and told the Commission that I was diabetic as well as +. I mean we have gotten our other bills for the past 2 months. I'm not complaining but am just saying.

My roomie has gotten called for jury duty. Most dread to get called for that but is something that I would love to be a part of. Maybe it's because I have no life or has been watching too much CSI, I don't know...I will be camped out in front of the telly and watching Sci Fi since it is the beginning of the 13 days of Halloween. Have a good day, girls.....

[Queen Tokelove]

I guess I am just adding on here. A few months back someone here on the forums sent something for my son but he couldn't use them. He said if my son couldn't to give them to goodwill or something. I held on to them but the other day came across an organization called FreeCycle. Not sure if any of you heard of this organization, Yahoo did an article on them. The point of the organization is to recycle whatever you may have lying around the house that you no longer have any use for or if there is something in particular you are looking for. I started a thread about it in Off Topic but it has gotten no replies, not sure how to take that but please check out their site. I'm sure they have a group in your perspective areas unless you live out of the US then I am not sure.

www.freecycle.org


Modified to add: It feels good to be able to help...Gonna see what else I can find around here....

[MOONLIGHT1114]

I give everything to Goodwill before the end of the year so that i can write it off on my taxes.  Considering the year I've had, this house is pretty empty.  Sheesh.

Its been a long day inside the house with Cheech.  He has gone outside to check the weather for me, though.  I'm going to have to start on Claritin or Allegra tomorrow.  I feel like I've had a cold for over two weeks.

I've been thinking about Stone and being unemployed, thinking something has got to give.  Just feeling kind of dumpy tonight, but I'll be like Stella and get my groove back.  I always seem to do just that.

 

[vivyt]

Hey everyone. I am looking for some advice. I guess you could say that I have been in denial about being positive and now I am just overwhelmed with it all. I'm just mad about being sick and everything that goes with it. I am lonely and feel like I will always be alone. My family is super optimistic but that sometimes gets on my nerves. This sucks and I want to be able to say that to someone. Did any of you go through something like this? Does it ever get easier?

Sorry to complain but I figured this would be the place to do it.

[MOONLIGHT1114]

Hi Viv~

Are you truly "sick" as in experiencing side effects from meds and having troubles?  Or is that just a general word you are using for being pos?  I ask because you can be pos without being "sick."  The first step into feeling better, if this is more of an emotional thing, is to not refer to yourself as being "sick" unless you are truly suffering from physical ailments.  There have been a lot of discussions in the Forums lately about the stigma that still exists with HIV.  The first place that you can smack that stigma down is with yourself.  Don't be so hard on yourself.  You aren't sick, you can LIVE with HIV as a chronic condition.  Focus on that and try to be hopeful.  I know its tough.  I have days when I am pissed off at the world because I have this virus.  I remind myself that what's done is done, and I am trying to take steps towards being a stronger person. 

Be grateful that your family is supportive and optimistic, maybe talk with them some about your feelings.  I can't really talk with my mother because she is very bitter about all of this, even after her 10 years of knowing.  But I still try, and some talks with her show progress at times.

Post your meds and your counts and let us know how you're doing.

Hang in there, we're here for you!

~Cindy

[Dragonette]

Hola chickas,

My hand hurts today, i missed my physio Wed b/c of all the mess with the hospital. That was crazy, I just can't get over it and feel so lucky that i discovered the doctor's mistake or I would be getting the resistance from hell (which i pray to God I am not getting anyway).
The first day I was on the PIs, I felt so sick, just a general crappy feeling like the flu or something. I did drag myself to work and it was good that I did cos 2 of my collegues gave me presents, that was sweet, incidentally these are the two that know I am poz. Now I feel better, almost back to normal, although I know that this could change but I am enjoying it. Strangely, since I started the PIs, I find cigarettes really repulsive, even just the smell. So that's a good side...

Queen, what a cool person you are! I'll leave it at that at this point. Happy that your sister is getting in touch, but cautious. Anyway a good thing right? Oh yeah, check on the gas thing, here at least they just forget that you moved and bill your old place, or send you a megabill after a while...better look into it before it gets in a bigger tangle.

Cind, I am so so sorry things haven't worked out with that job, apparently. I wonder what happened there, why TF were they acting all thrilled about hiring you? What's UP with these people?! Anyway whatever it is, the labour world is full of wierdos in positions of power... I think b/c of the driving situation, you find yourself more limited. About S, you know what I think... I love ya, and I know you will get thru this rocky patch. But I am so sorry it's takes so long.

SS, just seconding Cind & Betty here... forget about him, in a way lucky that you have the disclosure thing going on preventing you from getting closer... Just look after yourself cos he sure doesn't sound like someone who will...

What else can i say? I am extreemly behind @ work, my house is full of hairballs and fungus that needs to be killed with bleach and I am putting that off... the sheets haven't been changed in weeks... have I grossed you all out yet, or should I continue? I guess I should do some cleaning today, as dull as that is. And you know what they say, how your house looks is a relection of yourself (some would say how your workdesk looks is also)... well I have to be fogiving, the last weeks were awfully hard.

Viv, I hope you feel better, pyshically (if that is the problem), emotionally... I know this feeling of hiding from people, sometimes it's overwhelming, sometimes I don't mind so much. For me, telling a handful of people already made the difference. But I still get it a few times each months, the sense of isolation, even when I'm just in the supermarket on my own.

Sending a big hug down everyone's way. I am always reading and thinking of you.

[BT65]

Good morning ladies:
 
Just a quick note here.  I have to take a shower to get ready for church.  I have the girl I sponsor spending the night and I'm supposed to get her up in 1/2 an hour. 

Viv, I agree with what Cin said.  Just because you're HIV+ doesn't mean that you have to feel physically sick.  If it's emotional you're dealing with, then give it time.  May I also suggest a good therapist to help you through this rough patch?  I've had the same therapist since 1991, and he helped me alot.  I know these forums help, but there's nothing like having a real, live person there as well.  You'll get through this.  I would also like to see what your numbers are and what meds you're on.  This would give us a little better picture of what you're dealing with.  And yes, sometimes it is a pain in the ass to be around people who are upbeat, but understand, they're probably staying upbeat for your sake.  Inside they might not be feeling as upbeat as they put on.  I always try to see things from the other person's point of view as well as my own. 

Cin, something is going to give.  I just know it is.  You've got good karma and it's going to come back around.  Don't worry about Stone.  I'm sure he'll be in touch.

Queen, good idea about the recycle thing.  I always give my stuff to Goodwill or the Salvation Army.  I don't do it for tax purposes, I just do it because they're close by.  Sometimes I also donate good used clothing to the homeless center in my town, as long as I know it's going to the residents.

Well ladies, I'm off to take a shower.  I hope everyone is having a good morning.  Maybe I'll come back when my shower is done.  Love you all-

[sunseeker]

Hi Vivyt I am going through what you are going through right now.  Even though some of my friends know about my status they really don't understand what i am going through.  It makes it harder when they all have boyfriends, kids and spouses. I have not told my parents for fear of them worrying themselves sick.  I do get some relief from the forums, these are a bunch of strong and nice women who are here to give their advise and they are usually right.  I am tired of acting like I am OK and I am the same person that I was a year and 1/2 ago.  I know I should get into counseling but for some reason I can't bring myself to do that.  I guess I am still embarrassed about my situation. I have a date with a negative guy tonight and I don't even want to go.  I would rather say at home being depressed that sounds like more fun.  My friend says I need to go and it would be good to get back in the game, but I find it hard to get excited about possibly liking someone and knowing that one day I will have to tell about my status.  My friend really wants me to get into counseling and says that I need to learn to love myself before I can have a loving relationship.  I know she is right but just not sure why I can't make that jump to talk to someone.  Well, I guess the point of this post was to let you know that there are other people going through what you are going through and there are others that have gotten past this hump and we need to learn from eachother.  If you ever want to talk feel free to PM me and we can exchange email addresses.  xoxox

[Dragonette]

Hi Sun

I hope you have a good time on your date. I know the HIV is like this explosive piece of info waiting to be detonated. I know... I have been there. Just take it one step at a time. You deserve to go out and have fun with a guy, at the very least. Then when you see what sort of person it is, you can see if you trust him with this information.

None of us know the future, I also never believed that someone could overlook HIV and be with me, and neither did any other poz woman that I personally know. But, there are surprises...

Hope you have fun, Officer! 

[Queen Tokelove]

Afternoon Ladies----

Instead of answering things individually, I'll just talk. It saves me time and my mouse is acting crazy again since I reformatted my computer. Thanks for the compliment, Dragonette. I just try to live one day at a time and treat people how I would like to be treated. As for the gas company, I plan on giving them a call sometime next week. But even with talking with them, I know my gas bill for these past 2 months shouldn't be bad at all.


Now how to say this about my virus. When I first got the news, it was a major blow like it would be for anyone. I kept asking myself why me and to this day I still don't have an answer. But I stopped looking for one and accepted that I have this virus and it is not going anywhere. I guess what I want to say to you ladies who are stressing right now is that you have to try to come to terms with it all and just accept it. And I believe you will in time. Some can deal with this on their own and some need professional help to deal with it. If you feel you need professional help then please get the help you need. Don't think because I may be sounding so calm about it that it is an easy thing, it's not and it took me a great deal of time to get to the point that I am today. For me, it was about acceptance. I still have my bouts with lonliness but I just try to stay optimistic. But I will give a lot of credit to the people on this site. To have read about their experiences puts a lot of things in perspective for me. I will keep you ladies in my prayers and hope things get easier for you.

I am off for now, I have to go give my kitty Lucifer a bath. I hope you all have a good day....

[vivyt]

Thanks for the words of hope. I guess I should have been more clear about using the word "sick". I am not physically sick right now. Over the summer I was recovering from pneumonia after finding out I was HIV positive. Once I felt physically better I just kind of tucked worry of being diagnosed. I was kind of in denial about the whole thing. Now it is really hitting me. I have only known for about 5 months. I have been seeing a therapist for about a year for other issues and she has been really good. So basically, I am just feeling the anger and emotion of it now. You know there are days when I am like "What's the point?" None of my coworkers or my friends know so it makes it difficult sometimes.

I just want to know if any of you experienced this kind of feeling and how did you get past it? I know that my life can be wonderful but it's difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I hope I am making sense and you know what I am talking about.

[MOONLIGHT1114]

Hi Viv~

I have been pos since '93 and have always had some tough emotions to deal with.  They haven't gone away or changed, but "I" have changed.  I have become stronger, I have matured, I have become more knowledgeable, I am more confident, and recently I have started to not care so much what others think.  I am taking small steps towards really coming out about my status.  I don't want it to have this power over me.  I want to be ME again and not feel trapped by the stigma of this disease.  I am getting there.  The virus isn't going to change, so I have to.  I am changing ME for the better.  Hang in there and be patient with yourself and remember its OK to have a messed up day.  Things aren't perfect, especially where this virus is concerned.  You have to try and be on top of your game and do the very best that you can for yourself.  You will get stronger over time.  Just know that what you are feeling is normal. 

~Cindy

[BT65]

Good morning ladies:

Viv, the way to get past emotions for me is to just feel them and talk about them.  And don't stop talking until you feel better.  Just know that the people who tell you to "be positive" are only wishing you well.  Of course they don't know what you're going through, but they probably can't think of anything else to say.  We're here to listen, so just don't stop talking.  Identify your feelings.  Maybe even write about them, like in a journal.  It can be amazing if you start a journal and then look back on it say a year from now and see how far you've come.  That's a good way to keep track of your progress.  Then on the days that you feel like you're lagging behind, you can look back and think "Wow, I have come a long way."  Just a suggestion.  I used to journal all the time and should probably get back into it.

Well, the girl I sponsor was over for the weekend.  She is very high-maintenance.  She talks a blue streak and jumps from one subject to the next.  I have a feeling she's a little ADD (not ADHD).  But, maybe she was just nervous.  We went to a meeting Saturday and I took her to my church Sunday.  I also took her out to lunch yesterday, then we came back to my apartment.  Then my granddaughter called and wanted to come over, and of course I said "sure."  So the girl I sponsor took a nap and my granddaughter and I watched a movie.  The girl I sponsor lives at a place called "The Hope Rescue Mission."  Her alcoholism took her pretty far down.  She also has to have a hysterectomy next Monday because of endometriosis.  She's pretty nervous about that.  Which I would be also.  It was a good weekend though.  It just went by entirely too fast.

I hope all you ladies have a wonderful day.  I'm going to read a few more threads and get ready for work.  Love to you all-

[camille07]

Happy Monday  Ladies-

Happy belated birthday drag.  I was away for the weekend, West Palm Beach Florida for  a wedding.  It was really incredibly beautiful but it was not the smoothest of trips.  I arrived in FL. at 2 am and had to wake up for an 11:30 WOOHOOO....not.

I went through so many ranges of emotions sitting on the delayed plane, staring out the window and listening to my ipod.  I thought a lot about the people on the forums, about life, about why the "hell" was I feel so melancholy when I was about to take off...or at least so I thought.  Oh, and I got stuck between the piggy snorer to my left and the sneezer to my right...yuck!

Lots more to talk about and reply to you all, but must get working

Hugs Cammie

[Dragonette]

Oh, and I got stuck between the piggy snorer to my left and the sneezer to my right...yuck!

I hear ya... been there many times, or other variations (the seat kicking kiddies in the back with the over zealous mom). The battle for the armrest... I think the middle seat should be illegal.

Glad to see you back Cammie and looking forward to your posts when you settle down.

get some rest.. 

[sunseeker]

Hi Girls

I had the most wonderful date last night.  My friend fixed me up with him.  She has been friends with him for 10 years and in all of that time we have never crossed paths.  Maybe because he was married, he is now divorced and back in the dating field.  He was gorgeous, he came early for the date, walked in like a knight and shining armor.  I was not nervous at all, because I was going into it with the outlook of a new friend and possible roommate.  Well, we hit off and laughed till 7am in the morning.  Now I know what you are thinking ladies and no I did not sleep with him.  We kissed and snuggled all from about 12 am till 3pm and then fell asleep on the couch in each others arms.  He kept telling me how amazing I was and considering the relationships that I have and how positive I was about meeting new people.  I was really proud of myself and told him that I was not looking to jump into a relationship and I have put up some barriers and really want to take the time to get to know someone and I hope by snuggling and a kiss that I did not lead him on.  I told him that I wanted to enjoy getting to know him since we will never get that back before taking it to the next level. He said that he agreed completely and did not feel like I was leading him on in anyway.  So my hope is that he will get to know me and like me for me and want to become educated about being with someone who his positive.  I have not made a decision to tell him that I am positive and will determine when the right moment is.  I have decided to put my feelings first and not jump the gun and feel like I need to tell him right away.  Well, nonetheless he is coming over for dinner tomorrow.  I would love any feed back good or bad I my decision to wait on disclosure.

[emeraldize]

...fell asleep on the couch in each others arms.

...and having dinner tomorrow night?

Does it get any sunnier than this SunSeeker? I suspect not.

Enjoy!

[MOONLIGHT1114]

I was really proud of myself and told him that I was not looking to jump into a relationship and I have put up some barriers and really want to take the time to get to know someone and I hope by snuggling and a kiss that I did not lead him on.  I told him that I wanted to enjoy getting to know him since we will never get that back before taking it to the next level.

Wow, Sun!  I love those words you posted!  Its good to remember that YOU have the right to choose, too, not just him.  I am so happy for you!  Enjoy this!  Enjoy his company and maybe in a few weeks, if the time is right tell him, whenever you're ready!

Big smiles for you here tonight!     Saw your other post, print out the Transmission Thread here for him and go over it together when the time is right.

~ Cindy

[SecretKeeper]

Hi Ladies!  Never posted under the "dating" thread before (I guess since I'm married) but figured I could use some ranting and raving of my own. 

Hmmmm.  Where to begin?

Okay.  I see that Christine has passed away.  I did not know her, but I feel everyone's sorrow in her passing.  I read the thread her husband posted and cried.  It's just weird to think that HIV will eventually get the best of me like it did her.  And young...it's hard to picture someone so young passing away.  And I guess that had really got me thinking.  What am I really dealing with now.  Everyone's focus is on LIVING with HIV, but I'm the kind of girl who likes to expect the worst and pray for the best.  I guess that way I'm never disappointed.  Anyway, my counts are great right now CD4 678, VL 4100, 33%, but what do you think I could expect in the next years or 5 years or 10 years?  Is it inevitable that at some point I will be hospitalized by an OI?  When do yucky things start happening?  When will I "look" like I have HIV?  I just want to be prepared I guess.  Kinda like that little thing Cindy had mentioned giving to her parents.  Even though my husband is also poz he refuses to discuss things like that with me.  We have 2 very young children and I don't want things to be left up in the air.  We have no life insurance, no will, nothing.  It just has so many thoughts swirlling in my head it has been causing me to have trouble sleeping.

So, in reference to Viv - even though my husband is poz, I feel like he doesn't really understand either.  And we have told our parents, our siblings and a select few of our close friends and I went out on a limb and told my boss.  Everyone thus far has been very understanding and open-minded.  I find that my biggest issue in dealing with this is disclosure.  Who to tell and when.  I wouldn't care if everyone I knew knew, but I have to think of my husband and my kids and the rest of my family.  And I know eventually I'm going to get an awful reaction from someone - I'd just rather have it be me than to have someone tell my daughter that her friend can't come to our house because her parents are poz.  It's not her fault.  It's no ones fault.  It's just the way the cookie crumbled.  Life has given me a giant lemon and I'm gonna eat it whole!  (I love lemons!)

Okay I am quite the rambler.  Sorry.

Sun - I miss the days of snuggling and the nervous excitement of a first date - I'm glad all went well for ya!  I'm re-living those days through all you dating ladies so keep the great details coming!!!

I'm not sure if it was okay for me to just butt in like this, but I figured it's the only way I can get started.   

[Queen Tokelove]

Damn Sun, I am so happy for you. I don't think you said anything wrong to your date at all. Your evening sounded sweet and very romantic. I say enjoy it to the fullest. I agree with you about the disclosure part too, take the time to know him. I don't think there is a rush to disclose just yet. Do it when you feel you are ready.

Considering that Secret and other women that read this thread are prolly married maybe we should consider changing it from being called a dating thread to something else. They shouldn't be left out because like Secret, I am sure they would like to vent just as much as we single ladies do if not more. And I don't consider you butting in at all Secret. From your point of view it would be considered the married perspective so by all means chime in more often.

I really need some advice here ladies. There is this guy who stays with a friend of mine and her bf. I told Cindy about him briefly. One day he saw me over my friend's house and told her he was interested in me. I am kinda blown away because after I did see him, I really don't ever remember seeing him over there. Anyhoo, he is Puerto Rican which is not a problem for me but he is kinda shy. We have tried to communicate thru text messaging and today was actually the first day that we actually talked on the phone. It wasn't a bad conversation but I am wondering how to deal with him because of the fact that he is shy. And as you all well know, I am very outspoken. He is suppose to come over on Friday but what if he clams up? Talking on the phone is one thing and I hate to try to force a conversation out of someone. But at the same time I am hoping since he is interested, he will have something to say. I am not hoping for the worst to happen but then maybe I am just nervous because it has been over 2 years since I have even been with anyone, not in a sexual sense, though it has been 2 years there too but as in dating. And in other news, the last person I was with as in my ex has recently gotten married....to someone older than me and has 4 kids...

Well, I am off, it is almost 4 am and I am late taking my meds for tonight because me and the roomie was at a mutual friend's house and didn't get in til late. I am not gonna skip taking them since I haven't technically gone to bed yet....Night or should I say Good Morning......

[MOONLIGHT1114]

Hi GFs~

Its no prob posting here, Secret, it doesn't matter what type of relationship we are in (or not), I feel that everyone's input is valuable.  For me persoanlly, I only have a select few close friends, so I haven't had many to disclose to.  At work, I would never disclose to anyone for fear it could backfire in my face, and then I would have to make things awkward for everyone.  I haven't been afraid to speak up much at all lately, lol.  I'm not working now, but was just thinking in terms of my last job....That advance directive you were referring to is a booklet that I got from my Health Dept. called "Five Wishes."  You can probably google it to find out more.  Reminds me, I still need to fill mine out.

Please don't think that you are going to get an OI in the next 5 or 10 years, we are all so different with this virus and how it affects our bodies.  In all likelihood, this is prob my 15th year being pos, and I have never had any trouble where I've had to go to the hospital.  I've been on meds since '95 and they have been my saving grace.  Our dear Christine was resistant to all meds, unfortunately, and its so unfair that such a good person had to be overtaken by this virus.  She fought hard until the end, as best she could, without the meds being of any help to her.  I just can't imagine that.  God Bless Christine.

Queen~ I'm gonna call your guy PR for Puerto Rican, for short.  Or maybe we can call him Rico, like the one I was trying to meet earlier this year, lol, remember?  Is he coming over just to see you?  Or are a bunch of friends coming over?  Not sure if this is a formal get-together for the two of you or just everyone hanging around.  Do what you can to include him in the conversation.  Lord knows I hate a shy guy, its like pulling teeth.  If you can get him to crack a smile its a start, but if he is a bundle of nerves the entire night, oh goodness, just start being your crazy self with your humor and see what his reaction is, lol!  Let us know how it goes!

I went to bed much earlier tonight with a heating pad on my rib.  I coughed so hard over the weekend that it had become very sore by earlier this evening.  The cough has subsided some, thank goodness, but I am blowing my nose now, so maybe this IS a cold (and not allergies) that has just taken its sweet time to run its course.  I nearly blew my nose off yesterday being so congested.  Its tough to lay down and get up, to cough, sneeze and blow my nose, as the soreness is so bad it woke me from my sleep as I was trying to roll over tonight.

I lit my candle for Christine at 2pm yesterday and it didn't get blown out until midnight.  I wore my Minnie Mouse ears too, and prayed for an hour yesterday between 2pm and 3pm.  I kept thinking about how overwhelming all of this was for me, for all of us here.  I can't imagine people like Moffie who have known 180 people that have died of this over the years.  The thought is unbearable.  I knew my husband, and from the Forums I knew Christine, and that's it.  That's two people too much. 

I am going to call that really good job near my home one last time tomorrow and put a bug in their ear, and that will be it.  I think its worth one last try since the GM and I thought that I would be such a good fit there.

OK, Cheech is here snoring, wish I was.  Going back to bed with my sore rib self.  Good night GFs.

~Cindy

[BT65]

Good morning ladies:

Sun, it sounds like you finally met someone nice.  Just go with the flow and I think you'll probably know when to disclose. 

Secret, it's really alright to post here if you're married.  I'm not dating anyone right now.  There's no hard and fast rules about posting here (unless it's a man).  And please don't worry about getting sick.  That could be a long, long ways off.  As long as the meds are working for you, everything should be alright.  I've had a couple OIs, but that was years ago, back when they used to megadose people with AZT.  So, I wouldn't worry.  One thing I try never to do is project.  I don't know the future, and if I thought about it, I would make myself sick.  I can only take little spaces of time.  Because that's all I have. 

Queen, what to do with the shy guy.  I can't say I've ever experienced anyone who was shy; some quiet, but not shy.  Since you're outgoing, you can probably break the ice.  Ask him questions about himself.  Maybe that'll start things rolling.

Cin, I've been to a lot of people's funerals.  I got involved with the HIV community very early on (late 80's) when people were dying by the droves.  I can honestly say today people don't die nearly as often.  In the last two years, I've only been to two funerals of people who died because of HIV.  Before that, way too many.  I miss Christine.  I didn't light a candle here.  On Notre Dame's campus, there is a grotto that I might go to this weekend where I can light a candle and pray for awhile.  That's a good idea.

Other than that, nothing new or exciting to report.  I haven't talked to Liz for about a week.  We're both busy with working and going to school.  I start new classes this week.  I'm taking "College Algebra" and "Child and Adolescent Psychology."  Believe me, if the algebra wasn't required, I wouldn't take it.  I really suck at math.  It took me two years to pass algebra in high school.  And then I only passed it because the teacher was tutoring me.  Of course, being on drugs could have had something to do with it.   Anyway, I hope all you ladies have a great day!

[Dragonette]

Hi ladies,

It's beautiful here but cold, yesterday morning I cycled to work at -1 celsius, my ears nearly fell off.

I am working at home today b/c I have not been sleeping well at all in the last nights. PMS, like 10 days before my period. I wonder if the new meds have something to do with it. It took me a long time to wind down from the drama of the last weeks with my doctors. In the mentime, all sorts of anxieties surfaces, mainly about my parents, I feel so guilty over leaving them. My BF & i were supposed to go there in Nov but I will only know if 2 weeks if he can make it late Nov-early Dec, b/c of his job. he has started applying to jobs in Spain and I don't know if I want to move there... about that I will start a thread sometimes in the Living with and get feedback from people living there. Just so much cropping up.

My parents will fly to NYC in a few days. It just makes me want to cry b/c I am so uninvolved in their lives. They helped me so much when this ***t was going on here with my meds. I didn't want them involved, but in retrospect, with all the guilt I had over worrying them, without their involvement I would still be here accumulating a viral load and the doctors refusing to see me because my file wasn't properly updated.
Sure, we have skype, phone and email, but it's not the same. But hey, the distance between us is smaller than between the East Coast and West Coast... different proportions I guess.

Betty, how is your dad? I hope he's doing better. And how is work? Seems like your life is so full, even on the weekend you are cleaning and doing things. Me I am so short on energy I consider it an achievement if I clean the sink or something. I am really starting to see in comparison to others how abnormally fatigued I am, and now is actually better than all those years that i was undiagnosed, I just thought it normal to nap 4-5 times a day...

Secret, you know, if you were HIV neagative and asking those questions, I wouldn't know what to tell you. How long do you have to live, what to expect? Do you see where I am going with this, HIV is just another unknown parameter in the big equation of life which is full of unknown parameters, most of which have to do with luck, chance, or genes, or in some cases political descisions [wars etc]. I am not trying to give you a vague philisophical answer here, i really feel that way. No one knows their destiny or that of their loved ones. It's scary but true... This doesn't cancel what other people have said about the much lower rates of death and the effectiveness of the drugs, obviously (and thank God for that).

Sun, I am really thrilled for you on the great guy and the new attitude, but still cautious... I would try not to move to much into emotional attachment before I put disclosure behind me, maybe the key is to do things outside instead of meeting at home? I don't know... just much easier to become stronly intimate at home (I don't mean sex). I know you need this intimacy, we all do, but I would be careful. Just looking out for you...

Queen, I don't have a problems with shy guys, I have a much bigger problem with arrogant p****s (unless it's on the social anxiety level). I think what matters in a guy is how good he is inside, shy people just take longer to show that and they might be just as kind & funny & good in bed as flashy outgoing guys, probably better... seriously I don't see a problem. A lot of people are shy in the beginning, that's all it means, that they are shy in the beginning. And if he's shy, that means he likes you... I'm going to hazard a guess here and risk pissing you off, that you actually quite like this guy (since you mentioned him to Cindy before), and he's kinda your taste, but you have to find something wrong with him (and who doesn't have something wrong with them) to protect your fragile heart. There, I said it, now you can throw a shoe at me, wait just let me duck... so yay, i'm really happy for you that he's coming over. Now what to do with him, I trust you will figure that out as you go along...

Finally Cind, I am hoping that you will resolve this GM thing, i don't understand why they take so long, but these things sometimes do, the wheels move slowly or whatever, i really hope so. I hope you feel better too, get some fumes for the nose/chest (as it water fumes). I wish I could fix it, and would someone please fix my issues b/c it's so much easier giving advice to friends than doing something about your own hangups?

I wonder how Cristy is doing? I know she was taking time off, I just hope everything is OK. I also haven't heard from Tendai in a while. Her I am really worried about.

Love to all,

[MOONLIGHT1114]

Sick as a dog today, holding my rib when I move and cough.  Pissed that Moffie has been banned but I don't know the entire story. 

[tendai]

Hie Just checking in . Drag  we had no power for a week at work and i never had time to go to an internet cafe, otherwise i'm ok.
ML i hope u feel better soon. but  dont u think u should check into a hospital or at least see your doctor, it could be serious

[Dragonette]

Hi Tendai, great to hear from you. No power for a week... bloody hell.

Cind, Im so sorry you are sick and worse. please see a doctor. Take care of yourself.

lots of love,

[BT65]

Good morning ladies:

Cin, this has gone on way toooooo long.  You need to see the doc again.  And if he still says "nothing's wrong" then get another opinion.  I don't want to see you, my metal friend, end up with pneumonia.  So please, GET IT CHECKED OUT!   I'm not sure why Daddy Tim was banned, but it's not the first time it happened.

Drag, my father is doing better.  He's just so noncompliant with things he's supposed to do.  Then he expects everyone to rush in to his rescue, when he knows the situation could have been avoided if he had done what he was supposed to do.  I really get a bit resentful of having to do that, but we don't get to pick our families.  I hope you're feeling calmer.  Really, it's not that I have scads of energy.  It's just that I see something that has to be done and I push myself sometimes to do it.  Believe me, by Sunday afternoon, I'm ready to collapse.  And now with my 9-2 schedule, I usually take a nap when I get home from work. 

Tendai, good to hear from you.  Sorry about not having electricity.  I'm glad you're doing alright.  Please fill us in on what you've been doing, etc.

I wonder where Cristy is.  Haven't heard from her in awhile.  My sponsee goes in for a complete hysterectomy next Monday.  I know she's scared.  I told her I would go up there after I got off work.  They told her the surgery would take 3-6 hours.  I'm sure she will be fine.  But please send some positive energy this way Sunday night/Monday morning.

It seems like we need a new thread.  I started this one, it's someone else's turn.  I hope you ladies have a great day.  Today is hump day!

[MOONLIGHT1114]

Hi GFs~

Sorry the posts have been few and far between.  Its been a rough week, thinking about Christine being gone.  I have my Minnie Mouse ears right here.  I only wish I could have met her.

I am feeling a little better today, healthwise.  My cough is productive, I can actually blow my nose, lol, and breathe through it, my rib is nowhere as sore as it was Monday night.  I am on a decongestant during the day and doing OK.  I am really holding out for some rain today and tomorrow to see if its the pollen bugging me.  My ID doc checked me out last Tuesday 10/16 and said my throat looked fine, she listenend to my lungs.

I wasn't satisfied and that's when I went to my PCP the same afternoon.  He is very good and very thorough, makes sure I'm up to date on all vaccinations, tells me what bugs are going around, he has been called "Our Little Gift" at the medical office.  He checked my throat, listened to my lungs, took my temp, looked in my ears and nose, nothing to be found.  So, I trust him, and I know I can call one of the nurses if I need more help right away.  Being diabetic, things have always taken longer to go away with me.

Thanks for your concern, I appreciate it and will keep you informed.

I haven't spoken with Stone since 10/4, he emailed me on 10/9, and I replied on 10/14.  I think I'll have to close the book on this one.  It just feels strange, like I need some closure or something, but what can I do if the guy doesn't want to respond?  I guess I've done all I can, just wished I knew it was really "Goodbye" at the time, so I could have said so, said goodbye.    I pissed him off, its a long story, but I'll miss him, getting too sentimental now.  Shit.   

On a lighter note, I called the job near my house today, which I interviewed for on 10/10 and 10/11.  I checked in last Tuesday 10/16, and then called again today.  Turns out the owner and GM still haven't had time to compare notes bec the owner has had a family crisis since the day I interviewed.  His father is ill, so I understand.  I told the GM I would check back next week if that was OK, since they are swamped.  The lady who answered the phone today sounds like a temp receptionist, she couldn't even get the name of the company right after 3 tries.  Its good she answered....something tells me they have already fired the former bookkeeper, as the GM was doing most of her work anyway.

So, I am off to Walmart to get some medicine and groceries.  I hope everyone is OK.  I'm wondering about Cristy, too.  Check in GF.

~ Cindy

[MOONLIGHT1114]

I have always hated rain.  I fear I'll have a leak in my roof, and that the tree will lose its leaves and clog my gutters even more.

But!  Its been about 30 minutes here, and due to being under the weather with what appears to be allergies........

I can't help but be...................... 

http://youtube.com/watch?v=bkEvy-9yVyQ

[Queen Tokelove]

Hi Ladies---

I think it is time for somebody to start another dating thread since we have reached the 100 posts mark. I don't know who is up for that one. Somebody surprise me... I did give the gas company a call about not getting a gas bill and they said they mailed one out but of course I had to ask what it was on the phone. After doing the math and reading the meter back to them, it seems to be on point so I am not complaining.

Now Dragonette, why would I want to throw a shoe at you girl? I said I needed advice and I got just that. I will put the advice to work when Rico comes over on Friday. I will let you know how it goes. I am just not use to shy guys but it will be a change of pace for me.

I have been kinda quiet because it seems that emotions have been running kinda rampant lately due to Christine's passing and Moffie getting banned. I have been trying to just keep it light, ya know. I will be working with WantChange who posted on the women's forums and giving her my story to help her out with her paper for school. I am looking forward to it and it just doesn't help her but it helps me too. I am trying to take those baby steps on being more vocal about HIV and me. I gotta start somewhere.

I have noticed that a few ladies have been silent lately and hopes to hear from them on here. I chalk it up to them having a life and doing things. But it would be nice to hear from them soon...Cammie...Christy...Em...Dorjus and that is just to name a few.

Cindy, well girl as far as Stone goes, it's his loss, not yours. Keep on keeping on. The same goes for the job thing and I hope you are feeling better soon.

[aserenityseeker]

Hi Ladies, I hope you remember me as I have not been online for a little over a week or so. Fires overwhelmed me..my biggest fear of sorts. Living here in Ventura county(Simi Valley) you l=kinda get used to them but from having so many they just get me..even when its just soot and smoke no flames they still make me sick to my stomach and set off my allergies. I prayed so much for the fire victims and the animals as well.

Betty: I totally understand your anger issues with your dad not doing what he is suppost to do and making things worse. I to have a dad who does the same thing, he had had over 6 surgeries between last Nov to current and another one scheduled for next Tuesday. He has had two different amputations on right leg which is pretty much gone now. Femoral artery is blocked again so they will do angioplasty again Tuesday.He clots up and blood gets like sludge so he may loose left leg if they cant fix this now. I had so much anger but had to really talk with my sponsor and GOD and vent my anger and then let it go as dad does not care and wont change and the anger is so dangerous for me..very toxic and could really hurt me if I had held on to it. It comes back at times but that's normal. I just have to be there to help and support my mom and help dad the best I can as he is my dad. Thank GOD I work a program and my sponsor taught me:
Just because I think something does not give me the right to say it.

Dad should be soooo glad as well as I really could be evil with words. Thank god for medications as well hahahahahaha

I missed reading the post from you ladies. Look forward to reading daily again.

Oh leaving for Vegas next Sunday so cant wait..just me and the open road, good music on the way and then fun and relaxation for two days. who knows I may meet some nice people there as well.

Bye for now. Dawn

[Dragonette]

Hi Dawn

Nice to see you back. I am so sorry you had to go thru that fire shit. I would be majorly freaked out as well.

You posted on an older thread so check out the newer dating thread.

I worry about my parents all the time too and about being far away from them, that is the #1 thing I feel guilty about. it's something I try not to think about b/c it scares the crap out of me. Give me fire any day and not having to deal with that... You are there and helping that's already all you can do.
Stay strong and keep venting if that helps...