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Author Topic: Grief  (Read 3702 times)

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Offline sunflower99

  • Member
  • Posts: 18
Grief
« on: June 07, 2008, 08:02:52 am »
My beloved father,

The loss I feel is unbearable.
You stayed so strong until the end.
Never a word of complaint.
Even though the pain from the cancer must have ripped you apart.
Even though the feelings of panic, when you hardly could breath, must have scared you so much.

Still you never complained.

Laying in the hospital bed during your last seconds.
You looked like an innocent child.

My dear pappa, I love you so much.
How I want you back in my life.
I want to hold you.
I regret I didn't hug you more.
I regret I didn't go and visit you more often.
Didn't realise how much you missed me and your grandchildren.
Always longing for us to come by. This breaks my heart.
Now it's too late.

You who were always there for me no matter what.
Never condemning, always accepting.
STILL I NEVER DARED to tell you my biggest secret. That I have hiv.
It was also because I wanted to protect you and not break your heart.

You took your last breaths, and I started to tremble of shock and fear.
Fear because of, You, my stability in life was gone.
I have lost the sweetest and kindest person in this world.

I feel so lost and lonely.

(I very seldom post anything here for my own reasons, even though I read,
now i feel i have to reach out everywhere, because Im falling down.
3 weeks after losing my dad, the man who had called himself my BF,
whom I had supported when he was down and scared of the hiv,
chose to dump me with a text-message, when i was in need, in the middle of the night).
Needles to say I'm devastated, and the cruelty between people never stops to surprise me.

so sad in Scandinavia
« Last Edit: June 07, 2008, 08:21:50 am by sunflower99 »
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Offline 4ever2002

  • New Member
  • Posts: 1
Re: Grief
« Reply #1 on: June 07, 2008, 08:27:18 am »
Sorry for your loss dear,

Hope things will get better!

K
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Offline Dragonette

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,190
  • Spring symptoms
    • NotPerfectAtAll
Re: Grief
« Reply #2 on: June 07, 2008, 08:36:15 am »
Hi Sun

You bring tears to my eyes.

Even though you think differently, you were there for your dad. It's hard for me to write about, cos I am not even in the same land as my parents... I know you were there for him, maybe not as much as you wanted, but you were there. You just... miss him.

As for "the BF" - what a creep, what a loser... he is his own worse punishment.

(((Sunflower)))
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"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

Offline sharkdiver

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,353
Re: Grief
« Reply #3 on: June 07, 2008, 10:34:00 am »
Sun,

Thank you for sharing with us, during this difficult time.  Sending warm hugs.

Sharkie
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Offline thunter34

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,374
  • His name is Carl.
Re: Grief
« Reply #4 on: June 07, 2008, 10:50:44 am »
Sorry for your loss.  Here to listen if you need.

And dragonette said it best regarding the so-called BF.  That isn't just bad bf behavior.  It's poor behavior period.
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AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline bear60

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,105
Re: Grief
« Reply #5 on: June 07, 2008, 12:46:35 pm »
Condolences on the loss of your father.

I hope you find peace ...and strength to get through this.
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Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline loop78

  • Member
  • Posts: 147
Re: Grief
« Reply #6 on: June 07, 2008, 12:50:58 pm »
I'm sorry for your loss, Sun.

That BF doesn't deserve you.

Be strong!

Luv,
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Offline MarkB

  • Member
  • Posts: 292
Re: Grief
« Reply #7 on: June 07, 2008, 01:10:19 pm »
Sunflower,

Two bereavements, so painful but in different ways. The memory of what was sweetest and kindest in your father can never be taken from you; as for your boyfriend, "this too shall pass". In the end, as sunflowers always manage to do, I have confidence that you will find your way back to the light.

Thank you for telling us; I am glad you are here.



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Offline Assurbanipal

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,177
  • Taking a forums break, still see PM's
Re: Grief
« Reply #8 on: June 07, 2008, 07:55:59 pm »
Sunflower

My sincere condolences on the loss of your father.

Try not to regret lost opportunnities but to instead rejoice in the love that he gave you . . . and take comfort in his knowledge of your love.

It was a courageous and a loving action to be with him.

 
Logged
5/06 VL 1M+, CD4 22, 5% , pneumonia, thrush -- O2 support 2 months, 6/06 +Kaletra/Truvada
9/06 VL 3959 CD4 297 13.5% 12/06 VL <400 CD4 350 15.2% +Pravachol
2007 VL<400, 70, 50 CD4 408-729 16.0% -19.7%
2008 VL UD CD4 468 - 538 16.7% - 24.6% Osteoporosis 11/08 doubled Pravachol, +Calcium/D
02/09 VL 100 CD4 616 23.7% 03/09 VL 130 5/09 VL 100 CD4 540 28.4% +Actonel (osteoporosis) 7/09 VL 130
8/09  new regimen Isentress/Epzicom 9/09 VL UD CD4 621 32.7% 11/09 VL UD CD4 607 26.4% swap Isentress for Prezista/Norvir 12/09 (liver and muscle issues) VL 50
2010 VL UD CD4 573-680 26.1% - 30.9% 12/10 VL 20
2011 VL UD-20 CD4 568-673 24.7%-30.6%
2012 VL UD swap Prezista/Norvir for Reyataz drop statin CD4 768-828 26.7%-30.7%
2014 VL UD - 48
2015 VL 130 Moved to Triumeq

Offline J.R.E.

  • Member
  • Posts: 8,207
  • Positive since 1985, joined forums 12/03
Re: Grief
« Reply #9 on: June 08, 2008, 05:50:17 am »
Dear Sunflower,

My deepest condolences, on the loss of your father. You were there for him . Be strong...


Ray
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Current Meds ; Viramune / Epzicom Eliquis, Diltiazem. Pravastatin 80mg, Ezetimibe. UPDATED 2/18/24
 Tested positive in 1985,.. In October of 2003, My t-cell count was 16, Viral load was over 500,000, Percentage at that time was 5%. I started on  HAART on October 24th, 2003.

 UPDATED: As of April, 2nd 2024,Viral load Undetectable.
CD 4 @593 /  CD4 % @ 18 %

Lymphocytes,total-3305 (within range)

cd4/cd8 ratio -0.31

cd8 %-57

72 YEARS YOUNG

Offline AlanBama

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,670
  • Alabama: the 'other' 3rd World Country!
Re: Grief
« Reply #10 on: June 10, 2008, 08:27:40 pm »
Dear Sunflower,

My deepest sympathy on the loss of your Dad.   Cherish the good memories, they will get you through.

hugs,

Alan  :'(
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"Remember my sentimental friend that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." - The Wizard of Oz

Offline Robert

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,658
Re: Grief
« Reply #11 on: June 10, 2008, 09:32:26 pm »
sunflower

that is just a beautiful remembrance you wrote for your father.  My condolences to you and your family.

robert
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..........

Offline sunflower99

  • Member
  • Posts: 18
Re: Grief
« Reply #12 on: June 11, 2008, 03:00:19 pm »
I just want to say Thank You all so much for your beautiful messages.

It really touches me that you took your time to write.

The parting of a beloved person is so painful, we all know. And even when we know death is near we can still never prepare ourselves for that moment in time when its really over. Both so much sadness and also somehow relief that your loved one do not have to suffer anymore.

All my Love to all of you, who in the middle of your own struggles still took your time to write to me.
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