Author Topic: So confused (Read 5790 times)

michaelman333 · « **on:** July 09, 2008, 02:43:51 pm »

Ok so i have been diagnosed for about 2.5years ... I have been lurking around here and i have a serious issue inside me ...

So i have been dating a guy for almost a year and things are amazing we are doing good and it all is great ... he even proposed to me... all except for one thing ...

when we fisrt started dating he knew about my status and we were very safe... a few months ago he and i weere talking and he decided that he "loved me and knew that in the long run he would most likely get it" so he started wanting to take more risks and so far hasnt tested POZ... but i am finding it harded to take risks... he says he thinks that he can sope with teh stigma and that with having me there he will be just fine ... he says he is more worried baout my reaction...

I honestly dont think he is a bug chaser and that his intentions are true ...

Opinions, thoughts, ideas,....

i am so lost on what to do ...

Thanx gang

Florida69 · « **Reply #1 on:** July 09, 2008, 02:57:18 pm »

Quote from: michaelman333 on July 09, 2008, 02:43:51 pm

Ok so i have been diagnosed for about 2.5years ... I have been lurking around here and i have a serious issue inside me ...

So i have been dating a guy for almost a year and things are amazing we are doing good and it all is great ... he even proposed to me... all except for one thing ...

when we fisrt started dating he knew about my status and we were very safe... a few months ago he and i weere talking and he decided that he "loved me and knew that in the long run he would most likely get it" so he started wanting to take more risks and so far hasnt tested POZ... but i am finding it harded to take risks... he says he thinks that he can sope with teh stigma and that with having me there he will be just fine ... he says he is more worried baout my reaction...

I honestly dont think he is a bug chaser and that his intentions are true ...

Opinions, thoughts, ideas,....

i am so lost on what to do ...

Thanx gang

Congratulations on your nuptials. I don't really know what to say, other than I would not want to infect anyone, and if I were your partner, I would be concerned with the guilt that would plague you if he were to be infected by you. Good luck to you, D

AlanBama · « **Reply #2 on:** July 09, 2008, 03:07:17 pm »

Quote from: michaelman333 on July 09, 2008, 02:43:51 pm

he says he thinks that he can cope with teh stigma and that with having me there he will be just fine ... he says he is more worried baout my reaction...

I honestly dont think he is a bug chaser and that his intentions are true ...

He needs a good dose of REALITY. There is a LOT more to dealing with HIV than just fighting the "stigma". You say you don't think he is a bug chaser.....but it sure seems that way to me. Let's see what others in the forums think....

We seem to see a lot of this 'cavalier' attitude these days -- HIV is no big deal, I'll just take a pill if I need to and go on about my business. Someone's going to be in for a HUGE surprise....and not the good kind.

Alan

Miss Philicia · « **Reply #3 on:** July 09, 2008, 03:22:56 pm »

I'd veer more towards a pathologically unhealthy way to "bond" with you, especially considering that there's never a guarantee that a relationship will last as long as HIV.

redhotmuslbear · « **Reply #4 on:** July 09, 2008, 04:51:39 pm »

Quote from: AlanBama on July 09, 2008, 03:07:17 pm

He needs a good dose of REALITY. There is a LOT more to dealing with HIV than just fighting the "stigma". You say you don't think he is a bug chaser.....but it sure seems that way to me. Let's see what others in the forums think....

Preach, brother! MM333, I don't know what the rules on sexual exclusivity are for this relationship, but I'd hate to see you feeling guilty for bugging up your partner if he tested pox but, in fact, got the virus from someone else. He needs to understand that there are deeper and more healthful way to bond that "sharing one's strain" and that living with HIV is far more complex for most people than popping a few pills everyday. Even if he turned out to be a Super Freak like me, HIV is a complication that I'd rather not have.

Best,
David

DanielMark · « **Reply #5 on:** July 09, 2008, 05:12:22 pm »

Hi Michael,

I find your thinking on this confusing too (and also your mate's). Maybe I am weird but I and the men in my life who I've loved and been in love with (including my current squeeze) have always done our best to avoid them becoming infected. To me, if you love someone you don’t set out to become infected with HIV. This isn’t something I would ever compromise on period, but that’s just the way I am.

Maybe a visit to an AIDS hospice would put things into better perspective for your mate. Make your choice carefully, because there's no turning back the clock on having HIV.

My two cents,

Daniel

michaelman333 · « **Reply #6 on:** July 09, 2008, 05:53:05 pm »

Quote from: redhotmuslbear on July 09, 2008, 04:51:39 pm

Preach, brother! MM333, I don't know what the rules on sexual exclusivity are for this relationship, but I'd hate to see you feeling guilty for bugging up your partner if he tested pox but, in fact, got the virus from someone else. He needs to understand that there are deeper and more healthful way to bond that "sharing one's strain" and that living with HIV is far more complex for most people than popping a few pills everyday. Even if he turned out to be a Super Freak like me, HIV is a complication that I'd rather not have.

Best,
David

well we have a closed relationship ... and i think you are right .... i am not sure just how to do that at all ...

M

michaelman333 · « **Reply #7 on:** July 09, 2008, 05:55:49 pm »

Quote from: DanielMark on July 09, 2008, 05:12:22 pm

Hi Michael,

I find your thinking on this confusing too (and also your mate's). Maybe I am weird but I and the men in my life who I've loved and been in love with (including my current squeeze) have always done our best to avoid them becoming infected. To me, if you love someone you don’t set out to become infected with HIV. This isn’t something I would ever compromise on period, but that’s just the way I am.

Maybe a visit to an AIDS hospice would put things into better perspective for your mate. Make your choice carefully, because there's no turning back the clock on having HIV.

My two cents,

Daniel

see that is what i thought as well ... the things is at this point i am greatly in love with him ... and i want him to be safe ...
i think that art of t his has spun me into a dark depression ,....

thanks for your thoughts ...

M

allanq · « **Reply #8 on:** July 09, 2008, 06:26:36 pm »

HIV is a huge deal. If your boyfriend doesn't realize this, then he needs some educating. Also, he does not seem to have much regard or respect for himself. I think his attitude toward getting infected indicates other personality traits that, as time goes by, you will find very unappealing.

Allan

Iggy · « **Reply #9 on:** July 09, 2008, 06:29:46 pm »

I'm not sure I would classify him as a bug chaser off of the little information I have but my gut instinct is that he is probably romanticizing you, your relationship and HIV to an unhealthy degree.

Take HIV out of the relationship and consider how many people simply break-up regardless of the best intentions of both parties going into the relationship. Facing the reality that neither of you owe each other improper health risks has no relation to your love for one another. If he thinks otherwise, then love for you is not the driving issue in his thoughts.

If you think his intentions are the best (and you would know better then anyone of us who can offer advice) then I think what you need to do is find out why he thinks a relationship with you is somehow less worthy if you both consider him remaining neg a significant priority.

For your own sake (since this is bothering you enough to come out of lurking after so long) I wouldn't entertain his request, but I would get to the origin of it.

CaliGuy22 · « **Reply #10 on:** July 09, 2008, 06:32:55 pm »

I personally would rather split from someone knowing they are safe and neg then continue in a relationship where he could become or probably would become positive. That is just my feelings, however real relationships with people you love are more complicated. But try and think of what would be best for your mental health and his physical.
~J

ANGEL42 · « **Reply #11 on:** July 09, 2008, 07:13:11 pm »

HIV IS A HUGE DEAL..with so many complications. I`m sooooo tired of people saying you just got to take some pills and all is good. What about all the complications from the pills. The illnesses you get because you immune system is surpressed. Never mind that even though your feeling ok at the momenet their is always that fear of getting sick. T`s dropping, Viral rising. I`m 11 years with this shitty virus and I know its my fault. I chose in the heat of the moment with my lover at the time who was neg to have unprotected sex.It was fabulous, It was Hot, it ended being the worst decision of my Life. And now I`ve been battling HIV related Hodgkins, a Blood clot in my neck, High Cholesteral from the meds, Lung issues. What happen to taking a couple of pills and it`ll be fine. It`ll never be fine.Know what fine means, Frustrated, insecure, neurotic, and emotional. Makes you look at the word fine in a totally different light.

When my lover found out he was Poz three months later after our Fabulous night of unprotected sex...I stayed with him and loved him...than, with no surprise i became Poz.... We stayed together maybe another year and than we broke up....So what was my parting gift , HIV. Wonderful.

Just had to vent....Hope you partner realizes that there is no Glamour in romanctizing being Hiv because your in love( For the moment) ..and that what your left with if the relationship ends is a horrible virus that ultimately can and will take your life...Either the Virus itself or the complications and illnesses caused by the Virus.

ANGEL

YaKaMein · « **Reply #12 on:** July 09, 2008, 07:40:15 pm »

There's a trend here with opinions and ideas. Take a very close look at what is being said here. Your partner choosing to become infected on his own is one thing and your participation infecting him is entirely something else. His desire to become infected needs to be his responsibilty and not yours.

I'm happy you both have found each other and fallen in love and want to build a future together. I hope you will.

Please consider counseling/advice by an objective trained third party therapist [ go individually and as a couple ] and be just as honest when you go as you are here in the forums.

Good luck and keep us posted.

-YaKaMein

Miss Philicia · « **Reply #13 on:** July 09, 2008, 07:40:45 pm »

I love how the word "psychiatry" hasn't come up a single time yet.

michaelman333 · « **Reply #14 on:** July 09, 2008, 08:19:07 pm »

Quote from: philly267 on July 09, 2008, 07:40:45 pm

I love how the word "psychiatry" hasn't come up a single time yet.

well this has honestly bothered me enough that i am seeking out therapy now ... and that is something i didnt think i would do ...

i am honestly surprised i have let it get to the point of noit worrying about it ... but now i have to take a look at it more ...

M

Miss Philicia · « **Reply #15 on:** July 09, 2008, 08:24:04 pm »

Quote from: michaelman333 on July 09, 2008, 08:19:07 pm

well this has honestly bothered me enough that i am seeking out therapy now ... and that is something i didnt think i would do ...

i am honestly surprised i have let it get to the point of noit worrying about it ... but now i have to take a look at it more ...

M

Oh honey, I didn't mean so much for you. I meant for the other guy. Seriously, something is very, very wrong with someone who needs a relationship so much that they're willing to do something so obviously desperate. It's quite disturbing, and I'm sure it's very confusing for you. Anyway, it's good that your going to a therapist -- so you've discussed all of this in detail with the therapist I trust?

Good luck, Michael and keep us posted.

fearless · « **Reply #16 on:** July 09, 2008, 09:04:12 pm »

I guess I'll go out on a limb here, but I don't really see that what he is doing is so bizarre.
If I were neg and in love with a poz man I'd probably be thinking along the lines that he is. I detest condoms and would most likely be willing to take the risk.
The thing he doesn't seem to appreciate is the stress and guilt it could place on you. Now that I'm poz I don't know how I would deal with the fact that I knowingly infected someone.

michaelman333 · « **Reply #17 on:** July 09, 2008, 09:19:06 pm »

Quote from: fearless on July 09, 2008, 09:04:12 pm

I guess I'll go out on a limb here, but I don't really see that what he is doing is so bizarre.
If I were neg and in love with a poz man I'd probably be thinking along the lines that he is. I detest condoms and would most likely be willing to take the risk.
The thing he doesn't seem to appreciate is the stress and guilt it could place on you. Now that I'm poz I don't know how I would deal with the fact that I knowingly infected someone.

yeah see that is one of the issues ... i dont know if i could ever dealt with the guilt if he ever got too sick

fearless · « **Reply #18 on:** July 09, 2008, 09:25:07 pm »

I probably couldn't either Michael.

You need to tell him that. And, if he doesn't understand.... then, imho 'tis probably time to move on.

CaliGuy22 · « **Reply #19 on:** July 09, 2008, 10:34:52 pm »

Hey Michael,
I became positive from my partner whom I am still with. We are still together and going strong but I must tell you the hardest thing for me ever even more then accepting that I am positive, was the night when I held him in my arms as he was bawling and crying so bad because he has nightmares about the day I get sick and he does not want me to "go first" as he said that night. Only time will tell the future but think of yourself as number one, I have experienced first hand the grief and pain of watching someone else's guilt and I would never wish that upon you. I only wish you the best!!
`J

loop78 · « **Reply #20 on:** July 10, 2008, 04:48:55 am »

Hi, Michael

I think the rest have summed up pretty well all that is to say about your partner's attitude. However, there's an additional thing that bothers me...

Quote from: michaelman333 on July 09, 2008, 02:43:51 pm

and he decided that he "loved me and knew that in the long run he would most likely get it"

Duh? The only thing sure in the long run is that none of us is gonna get any younger, but that kind of faulty logic is very likely to turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy if you really believe that.

Tell him about all those studies about serodiscordant couples in which none of the negs became infected if you need to.

Take care, and do what's best for you!

Hugs!

DCGUY2007 · « **Reply #21 on:** July 10, 2008, 05:40:47 am »

I agree with Phillys comment:

......"there's never a guarantee that a relationship will last as long as HIV."

play safe

DanielMark · « **Reply #22 on:** July 10, 2008, 08:45:18 am »

Quote from: michaelman333 on July 09, 2008, 05:55:49 pm

see that is what i thought as well ... the things is at this point i am greatly in love with him ... and i want him to be safe ...
i think that art of t his has spun me into a dark depression ,....

thanks for your thoughts ...

M

Glad to know you're seeing someone about that. Michael. Actually, I think it never hurts to get an outside opinion from a qualified professional on any of HIV's psychological complexities. I’ve lived with this for nearly two decades now, and much of that time I’ve done the same.

If there is actual love between you and your mate, you can adapt and so can he. And by the way, I have had two long term monogamous relationships with HIV- men since I tested positive (one for 10 years and a current one for just more than four years) and both of them are still negative. So it’s not like your mate getting HIV is inevitable.

Depression can also cloud your judgement (or at least it does mine) so I would suggest you not make any major changes or decisions at this time.

(((HUGS)))

Daniel.

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Author Topic: So confused (Read 5790 times)