Some of you may remember that I started a thread in LW about my boyfriend being a crack addict. I have stuck by him a long time. He has had long sober periods that gave me hope that he was really making progress and that we could some how work out.
The last couple of months he has relapsed several times and I kept telling him I couldn't take it anymore. He has said that his addiction has nothing to do with me but it affects me deeply. There were some numbers on his phone that I questioned him about and I knew he was lieing to me. Anyway, I packed up my shit and we made up sort-of. The next morning I just knew he was lieing, even though I wanted to believe that he was telling me the truth. So he gave me $150 and I left. I wandered around for awhile not really knowing what I was going to do and him calling me several times. Anyway, I decided to come home and saw his dealer on the way to the house. It was some chick with her baby and some guy. I drove past them and saw that my boyfriend was waiting for her.
To say the least, I completely lost it. The bf was trying to get to the car that was parked behind me to get his dope. I went after him and knocked into him and him trying to force me away. I threatened to call CPS on this person even though I won't. They leave after a few more words and wide eyes looking at me going crazy.
I really screwed up my car in this whole ordeal and my bf and I raced to the house and into the house. I grabbed his pill bottles and tried to stuff as many valiums and zanex in my mouth as possible. He wrestled most of them out of me. We were actually on the floor with him on me trying to get these things out of my mouth and hands. Anyway, he made me drink salt water to throw up and hours later, here I am typing this out.
I feel so ashamed and stupid. One of my fears was becoming a crazy woman and now here I am exactly that. I am in no shape to go anywhere right now, so I am still home.
I had an appointment yesterday with my ID doctor and I told him some stuff and I got an appointment with a therapist soon. And then all this happened today. I already know that I am co-dependent and that was one of the reasons the doc referred me to a therapist. I scared my bf and myself today. I didn't really want to die, I was angry, tired of being lied to and obviously at my wits end. Today my bf saw his woman going towards the edge and then over it. I just didn't know what to do anymore and still don't but I think that I will do this again. I don't like feeling the way I do now and I hope that if anyone responds that you will be gentle.
I know I have issues and will give this therapy a try. I just needed to tell someone. Thanks for reading and I WILL be ok.
Edited to say that I will NOT do this again. I forgot to type the word not in the sentence 'I just didn't know what to do anymore and still don't but I think that I will do this again.' That is not what I meant to type, just so people know.
maddalfred:
I don't think there is anything I can add or give you any advice you haven't already heard a million times, but I do want you to know that I am thinking about you and wishing you the best. Thank you for your honesty.
Rex
BT65:
Hey Holly,
Yes, I remember your post in 'living with' about your boyfriend.
Since you know you're codependent (and probably also an enabler), I strongly encourage you to go to Nar-Anon (Narcoics Anonymous' version of Al-Anon), or if there is no Nar-Anon where you live, go to Al-Anon. They will help you learn how to keep the focus on you, instead of your boyfriend.
If your boyfriend is taking Valium and Xanax, he's already got problems without him adding crack to it (I've been strung out on those tranquilizers before). But I'm sure they help him come down off his highs. Just remember, no one is worth your life and your try at suicide is not going to change your boyfriend. I remember I used to threaten suicide to try to change people, only to find out that didn't work. (I'm not saying that's why you did it). You boyfriend has got to want to change because he decides to, not because of what you wish. I'm not trying to be hard on you, just sayin'. And don't try to kill yourself because someone else is ruining their life. That's two lives wasted.
You've got to start concentrating on your life and what you want to do instead of being caught up in all this crises. I'm glad you're going to talk with a therapist. I hope the therapist is one who's familiar with addiction, and people who are in relationships with addicts/alcoholics, so (s)he can help you take back your life and not worry about your boyfriend.
I've been on both ends of the spectrum-as a using addict, and someone who's been in relationships with using addicts. What I've learned is, through years of experience, is that an addict will not change for anyone else, whether it be a parent, child or a partner. Well, they might for a minute, but it won't last. The one you've got to concentrate on changing is you. Please take care. We're here. Luv, Betty
Ann:
Holly, I'm so happy that you didn't succeed with the pills!
I want to second BT's suggestion of going to Nar-Anon or Al-Anon. I went to Al-Anon for a while years ago (due to my [now] ex-husband's drinking) and it really helped me a lot. I learned things there that have served me well through the years and helped me make more sense of things that went on between my parents when I was a child. And of course it helped me in my relationship with the ex. (even though we did end up getting divorced!)
Please take care of yourself - and don't beat yourself up or feel ashamed about what you did. We all have our breaking points and at least there was no lasting damage to you.
(((((Holly)))))
More hugs, Ann xxx
Texan38:
Hi Holly,
You've received some excellent advise so all I want to say to you is don't you ever feel ashamed. To me is sounds as if you had so many feelings built up inside you, you just couldn't take it anymore. You're going to get help from a therapist and that's wonderful. Just by stating you don't want to die only proves you're wanting to change and that's a step in the right direction. Since you want to change, you will and you'll also come to realize that by helping yourself, it will only benefit you for the better.