Mother making situation worse

[Sunshine28]

Hi
I would like to apologies in advance for the long message, just had to get everything off my chest

I found out my status a few weeks ago and despite the tears, i am okay. I am not angry with anyone or want to do anything but take care of myself.

I told my mother my status 4 days after i had found out. Her initial shock was enough to make me want to hide under a blanket and never come up for air.
She had been kind for a week or two but yesterday something happened that i can not even comprehend but she became beyond angry.
She said the type of things no child would want to hear their parent say. I was labelled a number of things and blamed for my status. Trying to explain that it is no one's fault was futile. She looks at me with so much furry and disappointment. Talking to her turns into a one sided shouting fest of her telling me all my mistakes. I know that this is my doing and no one else's. I understand the consequences and accept my responsibilities but unfortunately she is not convinced.

I feel terrible for disappointing her but at the same time resent her for making this about her. Everything she says is about what iv done to her and how iv ruined her life. Also how i stress her and how she is hurt and how she feels. I understand that this takes some getting used to and it is normal to be angry but i cant help but ask why she can't ask how I'm doing.

My mother is my rock and the reason why i am alive, i can not let her go and love her more than anyone can describe. She is my financial support in all this and makes sure i am taking care of myself. I just need help handling the worst of the situation. I do not know what to say anymore. When i talk i get put down and when I do not talk i get accused of being depressed and more trouble comes out of it. I can not cry in front of her otherwise it turns into another argument of how it is too late for tears. I feel i have to be strong for myself which i am used to seeing as how i have been strong for myself my whole life. I had just hoped for some sort of emotional support this time round.

I feel guilty for not wanting to face her anymore. Facing her makes my heart beat with fear and ache to stream down my face. Not because I feel sad about my status but because she verbally attacks me about my carelessness and other adjectives she describes my circumstances as that would put any one down.

I need advice in handling this. I do not know what to do anymore. I am 2weeks into this and I am more devastated from what my mother says and does than from anything else.  I have started on Atripla and am optimistic about my chances of getting better but fear depression and other fall backs if I can not figure out how to handle my mother in all this.

[mecch]

She said the type of things no child would want to hear their parent say.....

Wow you can say that again. I am sorry your mom has gone off the deep end. You will have to be very strong to deal with her selfish, cruel and mean reaction. And it seems, by what you have written below, that you must actively deal with it, than take distance and put her out of your life for the moment.  Does it help to just fantasize for a moment?  Ok you are going to deal with her shit.  But you don't deserve her bad behavior and in a perfect would you could put her in her place, for the moment, until she gets a grip, and run for the hills protecting yourself.

I feel terrible for disappointing her but at the same time resent her for making this about her. Everything she says is about what iv done to her and how iv ruined her life. Also how i stress her and how she is hurt and how she feels. I understand that this takes some getting used to and it is normal to be angry but i cant help but ask why she can't ask how I'm doing.
She said the type of things no child would want to hear their parent say.....

If she feels disappointed in you, that's her shit. REPEAT.  That is HER SHIT in her head.

She could offer unconditional love but she's choosing to be small, whether she realises it or not, whether she can prevent herself, or not.

You have a right to tell her what you just told us.  Calmly explain that getting a virus has NOTHING TO DO WITH HER, its not an action you chose and certainly has nothing to do with her, and that she has no RIGHT to make judgements about you. Calmly explain that you'd like her love and support again.

I feel guilty for not wanting to face her anymore. Facing her makes my heart beat with fear and ache to stream down my face. Not because I feel sad about my status but because she verbally attacks me about my carelessness and other adjectives she describes my circumstances as that would put any one down.

Do what you gotta do. Protect yourself from this heaping abuse.  If you need her financial support for the moment, play games with her to get what you need, but also make a plan to try to educate her back to sanity and a good parent role.

Tell her specifically when and where she is insulting and hurting you, each time she does it.  
Start making a plan that if she doesn't cut the crap, you'll cut her from your life. I wouldn't threaten her with this. Also, if you need the money, you really DO need to be sure you have a safe haven on the other side, before you burn that bridge.

But please, you don't deserve abuse for seroconverting and you have got to stop even considering that.  When you do realize that, you won't take this crap from anyone, unless you are doing so from full power of playing a game to get what you want and need from a evil person who spews hate.

[spacebarsux]

I can understand the pain you’re in Sunshine.

Your mom is hurting badly. Her child (whom she sees as an extension of herself) has messed up his life, the way she sees it. Obviously, you know it was bad luck but she doesn’t look it that way. She can’t cloak her pain and the outcome is that she ends up spewing it all out on you.

I’ve had pretty awful fights with my mom as well, although at no point did I doubt her love for me, nor did she ever blame me for what had happened- at many points though, I was deeply hurt by some things she said.

When people are consumed with pain and rage takes over, family is capable of saying the most horrific, bile-inducing things. It requires some pretty thick skin to put up with it and not let it affect your peace of mind.

I would suggest the following:

1. If things have gotten completely out of hand, (if at all possible) consider moving out to a close friend’s/ relative’s house for a while (even a week or so). Move back when her anger dissipates.

2. Write her a long note explaining your side of the story and how something like this is not your fault. No one wants HIV! It’s unfortunate and you are hurting more than anything and all you want is her support and love at this point, and nothing else. Also let her know how adversely her behaviour is affecting your state. (Write this in language you think will resonate with her!!).

3. If you think her behaviour has locked into a pattern which is going to be hard for her to snap out of, then buy peace with her by 'whatever means necessary' and try and move out. In time she should simmer down and revert to her old self.

Wish you strength.

Best

[worried100]

Hang in there.

The same thing happened with my mum too, she went through the whole spectrum of emotions from telling me that
"i had better live what life i had left"
"I trusted you"
How could you let this happen etc.

I think your mum is worried and hurting, she is proably thinking why my child/why didnt they take care etc.

It got/gets better with time.
xx

[Sunshine28]

thanks for all the posts. things have gotten a little better since. Working on a plan to move out. Feel like my mother and I would be better if we don't see each other every single day

[Rockin]

thanks for all the posts. things have gotten a little better since. Working on a plan to move out. Feel like my mother and I would be better if we don't see each other every single day

My mother got really depressed when I told her I was gay so I can only imagine how she would handle the HIV...especially since that has always been her main concern.

So I decided to spare her. I don't think she would be helpful at all, in fact I think she would act very much like your mother. I do think you need to stay apart from her. Time heals everything, maybe a year from now she'll be able to handle this in the proper manner.

[surf18]

dammit! this is about you not her. all of us its about us not our parents or friends or whatever. were the ones suffering every night when we lay our heads down. that is cruel and just plain wrong what your mother is doing to you now. you dont deserve this. you did a thing that every other american does have raw sex. you and us just got unlucky. i m sorry you have to have this burden to deal with on top of the recent dx. made your clinic can hook up with meds assistance and housing so you can leave this selfish witch.