how were you told & what did you do?

[next2u]

hello,

my group moderator had a great topic yesterday. it was "how did you find out you were hiv positive. tell me about the environment you were in and what you did for the rest of the day." so, if you have a moment, please share. i saw some of your stories on a recent thread (something to the tune of "can you tell when you've been infected") and this kind of its offshoot.

me. i was sitting in the parking lot late for work as usual. actually, i was sitting 4 parking lots over preparing to go into the office and start my work day. it was a few minutes past 930am on wed sept 12 2007. my phone rang, i looked at the caller id and it was my dr. i  was wearing a dark blue suit with a light blue undershirt and a red tie w/bold blue stripes. it was first day i wore that tie to work and i was going through some strange melodramatic bs in my mind - like this tie represents all the love i haven't found in the world or this tie is the emblem or my rage crap. it was a perfect day outside in so cal, warm & sunny, with a few clouds scattered in the sky. i was parked under a tree for shade, my laptop was running and i was planning my customer visits.

the phone rang. my docs id popped up on my cell. when i saw his number i assumed i had missed an appointment (again). i answered and it was my doc. shit, bad sign. that dude is important and he has nurses for such mundane tasks. then the "im sorry to have to tell you this, but you hiv test came back positive." i asked him 2 questions then our conversation ended.  i sat in my car, tried to work a lil more, then started crying. like the first time i had cried in years. yes, im a big fag, but still, my tear ducts are dry and its physically difficult for me to cry. then i called all my close friends and family. about an hour later i mustered up the courage to go into work. i asked my bosslady if i could have the day off then broke down into tears. i don't remember the last time another person saw me cry, but it was probably over a decade ago. alarmed, she told me i could leave and i didnt have to explain anything to her. well i told her, she gave me hug, sent me home, and told me to call her when i was ready to come back to work (my boss is the best). she also gave me her personal cell & home phone number in case i needed additional support.

anyhow, i took my ass home and went to bed. i slept for about two days. then i got phone numbers. asos, group meetings, this site and other forms of help. so thats how i found out. damn, i didnt want this rant to be this long, but shit, it was kind of cathartic. anyhow, id love to read your stories if you have a chance.   

[BT65]

Next2u, first let me chime in with Netta about you being quite the hot stud. 

I was in a treatment center for drug/alcohol dependence in 1989.  I remember the date, it was Feb. 12th.  They tested everyone who went into the place, with permission of course.  But it was pretty much required.  Anyway, I went in on Feb. 1.  Then, I was in group therapy on the 12th, and one of the counselors came and pulled me out.  He took me in his office and told me.  Just 'your HIV test came back positive.  I really don't have any answers, as I'm not educated in that kind of thing.  It would probably be a good idea to talk about it in group.'  Which I did.  Then, ironically, 3 days later, on the 15th, that same counselor pulled me out of group again to tell me that my (1st) husband died. 

I went through the usual stuff, anger and tears.  (Strangely, even though everyone in the treatment center knew about me being poz, it didn't stop a couple of the guys from pursuing me sexually.)   

[J.R.E.]

Hey,

I was told I was positive at the Pinellas County Health Department(Florida) in October of 1985. After exiting, through the rear door of the building, I think I went to the bar, and had a few drinks. After that, I went home, and informed my partner of those results. I don't think I was that shocked by the results, as the person that passed this on to me had informed me a month or so prior that he was HIV positive.

After I got home, ( with the help of the booze,) I ended up a bit more emotional about it. It was a very long time ago, and the first year and a half, after my diagnoses was pretty hazy...


Ray

[minismom]

It was on a Wednesday.  The kids (we only had 3 at the time) and I were at my parents' house an our away from where we lived at the time.  We were told that the tests would take about 2wks to get the results.  I'd called the PID that morning and left a message with my parents' telephone number and asked that she call me there.  I was playing solitare on my parents' computer in their bedroom.  My mom was laying in her bed with #1 on her right and #2 on her left.  Mini - who was 8wks old that day - was in her lap.  My dad was outside on the porch swing reading a book.  Hubby was at work, an hour away.  As soon as the phone rang, I "knew" who it was.  I got this terrible dreadful feeling with the first ring.  I answered it and heard Doc's voice.  She said, "you need to sit down."  My heart sank. I looked over at my mom and my kids.  I had 2 thoughts running tandum in my mind.  First, how was I going to explain to my boys - then ages 3yrs and 10mths old - that their sister was dead.  The other was how badly I wanted to crawl in bed with my kids and die with them.  The pain was a tangible being that was completely overwhelming.  I can't begin to explain it.  I have no idea what the rest of the conversation was.  By the look on my face, my mom knew what had happened.  She handed Mini to me and told me to hold her while I could.  She walked outside and told my dad.  He came in, took Mini and told her that whatever happened, she'd always be the Queen of the World to him.  It was the second time I'd seen my dad cry. I don't remember going home, feeding the kids, or putting them to bed.

Hubby came home from work about 10:30pm.  My eyes were swollen and red.  He looked at me and knew.  I thought he'd be mad, but he wasn't. Two weeks after we got Mini's diagnosis, our #2, 10mths old, had his first seizure.  I wanted to run away and hide.  I felt every emotion in the book: sadness, fear, anger, hurt.  It took a long time to get over.

Mum

[bear60]

hello,

my group moderator had a great topic yesterday. it was "how did you find out you were hiv positive. tell me about the environment you were in and what you did for the rest of the day." so, if you have a moment, please share. i saw some of your stories on a recent thread (something to the tune of "can you tell when you've been infected") and this kind of its offshoot.

me. i was sitting in the parking lot late for work as usual. actually, i was sitting 4 parking lots over preparing to go into the office and start my work day. it was a few minutes past 930am on wed sept 12 2007. my phone rang, i looked at the caller id and it was my dr. i  was wearing a dark blue suit with a light blue undershirt and a red tie w/bold blue stripes. it was first day i wore that tie to work and i was going through some strange melodramatic bs in my mind - like this tie represents all the love i haven't found in the world or this tie is the emblem or my rage crap. it was a perfect day outside in so cal, warm & sunny, with a few clouds scattered in the sky. i was parked under a tree for shade, my laptop was running and i was planning my customer visits.

the phone rang. my docs id popped up on my cell. when i saw his number i assumed i had missed an appointment (again). i answered and it was my doc.

.............
In 1989, there were no cell phones. No two day or instant testing.
The free testing place was a kind of grim looking former office space at street level in the "gayborhood".  My partner and I discussed going to the FREE HIV TESTING SITE and getting tested. 
Come to find out, he had already been and..................was HIV positive he told me. 
So I went.
Got the blood drawn was given a number and went back in two weeks and was told by the counselor who sat down with me..............yes,  you are HIV positive. I am sure he asked if I had any questions or if I needed anything but its all a blur. I still have that little piece of paper, tho,  that said I tested positive to HIV. 
I dont know how you guys do it today with all this cell phone instant messaging and stuff.  It seems a lot more impersonal than meeting with a counselor.
The tears are still the same tho, huh.

[Miss Philicia]

I dont know how you guys do it today with all this cell phone instant messaging and stuff.  It seems a lot more impersonal than meeting with a counselor.
The tears are still the same tho, huh.

I didn't meet with any counselor in 1993.  I just got the news on the phone from my doctor, early in the morning at my office.  I'd never bothered to get tested until then even though I should have been being tested regularly for a good 5 years before that -- simple negligence on my part.

I went in the bathroom, cried for 10 minutes, then came back into the office and sat down with the director who -- though not officially "out" to me -- was a lesbian.  I knew it, and she knew I was gay, so I just fessed up to what transpired.  I couldn't have found a more understanding employer, that's for sure.  She told me to leave work, go home and take off as much time as I needed and that she'd call me in a few hours to see how I was doing.

From there I actually went to my doctor's office to have my first lab work done, and my ex-BF who I had just broken up with a couple of week's earlier met me in the waiting room.

[rick21007]

I got a call at my office @ 10:30am on December 11, 2006 from my (then) primary care physician's office nurse.  She rather routinely told me I came up negative for Hep B (which turned out _not_ to be true) and that I was positive for HIV.  I wondered if she was doing her nails when she told me.  The call ended with her cheery "Have a nice day!   I did a lot of deep breathing and worked the rest of the day.  That night I called my brother in San Diego and my new lover who had just arrived in Paris (I had decided to get tested prior to having sex with him.)   I was given an appointment  for the following week to see the doctor.  The appointment pretty much turned out to be an interrogation about the details of my sex life done in not the most unjudgemental or sympathetic manner.
I fired the fucking idiot and his ditzel nurse shortly after, but not before he failed to tell me I had a raging OI going.   I have a wonderful ID MD who is also My PCP.   She was formerly on the faculty at UCSF Center for AIDS treatment and research (or what ever it is called.)     My current MD actually called me at my office prior to my first appointment with her just to "check up on me!!!"  If I was straight I would marry her.

Rick

[Snowangel]

I had gotten tested in the local DPH in Worcester, Mass.  When I went back for my results, they sent me into a private room or was it a cubby to speak with one of the advocates.  I couldn't of asked for anyone sweeter guy to tell me, I still remember his name and what he looked like, he had the kindest eyes.  He looked a lot like Pedro from the Real World.   I am not sure if it was that day or not but he found out what my insurance was and called around to find a doc for me and then actually took me up to the office.  I got more labs done, went back a couple of weeks later for my results and my scripts.  Taking my scripts for the first time was when I cried.
Snow

[madbrain]

I was at work and it was about 5pm on november 1, 2006 when my phone rang. It was my doctor. He said there were some test results he needed to discuss with me. I had a full physical the week before, but I had already received all the other test results. So I knew which test it was. I him over the phone, and he confirmed it. I nearly fainted in my office. My doctor called me a cab to get home because I could not drive at that point. And he gave me an apointment for the next afternoon. While in the cab, I called my boyfriend on my cell phone, and told him to come meet me at home because something bad happened. He was with me about a half hour later, and I told him the bad news in person. We both cried a lot. I told him to get tested the next day. I had no doubt that he would turn positive too, as we had sex on an almost daily basis the previous 9 months, unprotected after we had both tested negative.

Later that night around 11pm, he brought me to the office so I could get my car from the parking lot, as well as pack all my things. It was wednesday night, and I had recently given my 2 weeks notice from my job. I only had 2 days left to work, but I knew that with this news I could not work those last 2 days. I stayed up and cried all night and wanted to kill myself. I don't know how my partner survived that night next to me.

Thursday was supposed to be my goodbye lunch. I was unable to attend it. I was in no condition to even talk to my boss on the phone. I sent an email to him and the whole group that was invited my that I wasn't feeling well.

I also had to call in sick on thursday to my new job, which I was already working at the same time just 2 days before. I was in no mood to talk either. This time I used instant messenger. The new boss was in a meeting.

I found out my therapist of 6 years had gone on a 3 weeks vacation the very day I got my bad news. She had never taken one that long that I could recall. I felt very much alone. I went to see a counselor I didn't know on thursday around noon.

A few hours after, I went to the apointment to my see doctor thursday afternoon at Kaiser. My boyfriend came along. I cried a lot. They gave us a lot of scary reading and paperwork that included such things as an "advance directive". All at the same time the doctor was trying to convince me that HIV was a treatable disease and I would be fine. The doctor ordered my first CD4 and VL, and a whole bunch of other tests. I went downstairs to the lab and they took about 8 vials. I cried while my blood was being taken. There was a thunderstorm outside and I still didn't sleep much that 2nd night afterwards.

My goodbye lunch was rescheduled 2 weeks later. I didn't tell anyone what happened, but at least I showed up. When I got out, I called my boyfriend. He had gone to get his HIV test result from his doctor in my absence. And he was positive as well, as I feared. He came home to me and cried in bed just as much as I did.

[sharkdiver]

I thought about this, haven't reallly thought about it in a long time, but here's  what happened:

In early 1985 I got a phone call at the gas station I was working at (I just turned 18  and a senior in high school). It was from a man that I, well uh you might say was involved in a very "innapropriate relationship" with when I was 14 to 15 years old (and he was in his 30's). He told me he tested positive and that I should get tested.

I did. As I was in the waiting room they were showing videos about people dying of AIDS (nice). I was called in, the nurse told me that I was positive and gave me some brochures. One was for nutrition, one for making a doctor's appointment, and one was for making funeral arrangements. I pretty much said "ha! I'll show you, I'm not going to die yet." There wasn't really anything out there available as far as resources or anything at that time (for my age).  Just learned to deal with it by myself.

Shark

[Queen Tokelove]

I never did remember the exact date, just that it was of August of 1997. I had gotten back home from living in Miami for the past 5 years. I have always been good about getting std checkups so when I made it back to town, I went to the health department. They told me it would take 2 weeks to get the results back but I never called to get them, I guess I had a premonition or something. I am usually a stickler about getting test results but because I didn't, the health dept came to my house and paid me a visit to tell me the news. At the time I was living with my oldest sister. I was in the livingroom when they told me and I just broke down and cried. They tried to console me and then left. I was planning on going out that night with my 2 sisters to a bar for some drinks. I told my oldest sister who thought I should tell my other sister which was the biggest mistake of my life. When I told her at first, she didn't believe me but then when she did, she used it against me and outed me to whoever who would listen. With a sister like that who needs enemies...

[aliveinla]

It's still too painful for me to think about that day, so I will tell you later.

[Winiroo]

I cant remember the date. It was maybe September of 1992. I got a call from my OB clinic saying they needed me to come in to discuss some lab results. I had no clue I'd even taken an HIV test.
Its kinda a blur.
I went to the doctor with my husband they told us I tested HIV positive and that he should get a test also.
I was dumbfounded. There was no counseling. There was no discussion about options to help prevent my unborn child from acquiring HIV. There was no education, advice, information. Nothing. I went home in shock.
I was 19 years old. I didn't know nothing about nothing.

[SoSadTooBad]

April 29, 2006 at GMHC in New York City.  I went for a rapid test because I had not been tested in quite a while - stupid.  Since I had not engaged in particularly risky sex, I was SHOCKED when the rapid test came back positive.  They drew blood for a Western Blot and I went on my way.  I spent a week convincing myself that it was a mistake and that the Western Blot would come back negative.  I went back on my birthday to get the results of the WB - confirmed positive.  I got some french fries at McDonalds and went home with my head spinning. 

It got worse - I went to my regular doctor a few days later to follow up, and the first set of labs came back awful - VL of 35k (not the bad part.)  CD4 of 78 (the really bad part.)  Stunned, shocked, tired and really really sad. 

Started meds a few weeks later after I had the resistance test, etc.  First Combivir was 6/2/06 at 7:30pm.  First Sustiva was later that same night.  First gulp of Mepron was around 8:00pm. 

[RVinVA]

I went for a routine physical in September 2004. I came home from a party with my boyfriend on September 14 and there was a message from my doctor that he wanted to see me as soon as possible. I could tell from the tone of his voice that it was very serious. I tossed and turned all night and called the doctor first thing in the morning and made an appointment for 1:00 the same day.

I waited for him in an examination room and he came in and gently told me that the HIV test came back positive. He was very reassuring and gave me the name of a web site to check out for information. He probably talked to me for about 15 minutes before sending in a technician to draw more blood. He advised me not to join any support groups yet, at least none that mixed newbies with people who were battling HIV for a long time, which I still think was the right decision.

I left the office in a state of shock (I was no saint but used condoms 99% of the time), and started walking back to the office in the rain. I called my boyfriend and told him, but I didn't cry. I went back to work but couldn't concentrate and soon made up an excuse to go home early. I got home and immediately logged on to the Internet to learn as much as I could about HIV. That is when I stumbled upon aidsmeds.com. Finding this web site probably saved my sanity in those dark few weeks. I spent hours on the site reading everyones' stories and reading the lessons.

It wasn't until a few days later when I received my initial counts that I lost it. I was on a business trip to San Francisco and my boyfriend was with me. We took a long walk on a glorious day when my doctor called just as we reached Fisherman's Wharf. He told me that my tcells and VL were really bad and that I needed to go on meds right away. Somehow I ate lunch with my boyfriend but when we got back to our hotel I broke down. I think that was the first (and last) time that I cried about it.

Fortunately, from there it has mostly been uphill from that point. The meds are working nicely, I've never been sick and life has gone on. I don't post here very often anymore, but I will be forever grateful to the people here who carried me through the first months without ever meeting me in person.

Good health to all.

Rob

[Benoit]

I went to my local Gum Clinic with symptoms of a STI on 12 March 2007 which was found to be chlamydia & was given a week's dose of antibiotics & took a hiv test that day. A week later, on 19 March 2007, I had a phone call from the clinic saying the health worker would like to see me that day, but I couldnt go that day, so I was asked if I could go on 22 March. I asked if my hiv results had become known? & I was told no but that the results would be known by the time I attended the clinic on the date given as the health worker wanted to discuss sexual health with me.

On 22 March 2007, I went to the clinic & the health worker told me that they had me there on false pretences, which was understandable, as it was about my hiv test result & that I was postive. I was stunned by the news like I had been hit a few times by a sledge hammer & she kept talking but all I could see was her mouth moving as I dont even know what else she was saying because I wasnt taking in anything being said to me.

I have never experienced so many different bad feelings all at once before as I did that day as it seemed the world had stopped turning, but this world doesn't stop turning for anyone. After leaving the Gum Clinic, I went to a pub & knocked back a double whisky in one gulp as I needed something to bring me out of the shock & for a few weeks that followed I kept thinking it was too real to be happening & at any moment I was going to wake up from this nightmare I was in, but that hope of it being just a bad dream soon faded away.

Just over a year later & still not on meds, I am a lot happier than I was last year & at least I wont be given bad news like that again!!! I have never had any symptoms of hiv, so if it wasnt for symptoms of having chlamydia I wouldnt have gone to the clinic in the first place to take a hiv test, so catching chlamydia did me a favour as it led me on the path to being diagnosed with hiv as its better to know than not know. I was told that the results all indicated that I was recently infected with the hiv virus so I was in the early stages of the infection & that it could be as much as 10 to 15 years before I begin medication, but I am prepared for it when the time arrives to begin taking meds.

I am very fortunate to be a patient of a very good consultant who is well liked & respected by everyone & who tells me that apart from hiv I am very fit & its all about staying that way & keeping off meds as long as I can.

[SASA39]

Oct.2006
I have so much "bravery" in me that I`ve gone to test myself on a private local lab , because I was not feeling quite well for some time.
I picked up results by myself , and have read it walking down the street.
Took a bus and when I was coming out of it  , I  have fainted  from shock , drop down on the concrete and remained so for a minute or two.........
Later test on a University Hospital has showed that I was with one leg in the grave ( CD4 was 58  with Candida ,  temperature , and tiredness)
                                             

[richva]

I learned that I was HIV+ on a Tuesday morning at 9:17AM, and my world fell apart until 12:23PM... which is when I pulled it all together, walked to campus, and attended my one o'clock English Composition class.  That afternoon I read aloud an essay I had written about driving across Costa Rica one or two years before.  Actually, the story had more to do with growing old together with someone you love rather than with either driving or Costa Rica....  I think a few of my classmates understood that.

Anyway, the next days and weeks - um, well, they pretty much sucked, as I convinced myself that I'd likely drop dead at any moment from any number of nasty ailments... despite having found an HIV-savvy doctor and learning (on an intellectual, not emotional, level) that I'd more likely be around for awhile.

April 1992.  About 2 1/2 years after infection... and almost exactly 16 years ago.

I still have the original copy of my essay.  I got an "A".

[J.R.E.]

.............
 I still have that little piece of paper, tho,  that said I tested positive to HIV. 


 

I still have the original copy of my essay.  I got an "A".

[/quote]





Still have mine too ....


Ray

[Desertguy]

I went in to get checked after a woman accused me of giving here gental warts which I thought was BS.  I went to Doc to get checked & he said do you want an HIV test as well.  I thought why not. 
I got the call when I was out of town around Sept 10, 07.  He says I thnik you need to come into my office & talk.  Well process fo elimation got to the HIV+ question.  He said yes then proceed to lecture me about not having safe sex & he had jujst given me a prescription for Viagra & he thought I played him  What an asshole.  Not once did he offer to give me any advice or comfort.
So I was a basket case for 3 days no sleep hard to work, went in for the great interview with the county health people.  Lots of help there also.  All they wanted to know was who I had sex with in the past year.  Makes no sense to me 1 year!!
I knew nothing about the new meds that had arrived on the market, I made an appointment with the VA to get a 2nd test & lol & behold the VA in Las Vegas has an HIV Doctor, I kinda questioned it so made an appointment with a specialist there to get a 2nd opinion(They chargedd my insurance $321 for an office visit pissed me off)  I did find out thu that mny VA Doc used to be in privated practice as a HIV Specialist & was the best in LAs Vegas.  Made me feel better after talking to her she got me on meds because they said I had carried it for m10-15 years & my nCD4 count was 120 n& Viral Load was 930,000.  Which at the time didn't mean shit to me .
I have now accepted the fact that I am + (Don't think my X wife gave it to me)  I just look at it hey its a fact I got it get on with life.
I have since meant a great lady that is also + so don't have that disclosure bullshit to go thru.
I feel great 03/10/08 CD4 count 421, Viral Load 231 getting there and life goes on.

All I can say is F

[Desertguy]

 ::)Didn't get to finishe post or proof read it it just posted itself ?

Meant to say F--- that 1st Doctor & also think X wife gave it to me post said didnt'
Anyway thanks think this was a good subject!

GUESS I NEED TO PROOF READ AS I GO ALONG!  lol

[aztecan]

I remember it was sometime in July 1985. I went to a clinic to get checked out, my usual quarterly STD check. I was a randy lad in those days.

The doctor came in, read a piece of paper on his clipboard and told me I had "it," that I should get my affairs in order and that I had about two years left before I would die.

He never made eye contact and left the room. That was it.

As our Sharkie pointed out, there wasn't much out there in the way of services in those day. So, I just got drunk.

Most of the bath houses closed shortly thereafter. Poppers were blamed for causing GRID. Falwell and his cronies said I and those like me deserved what we had, which they called the "gay plague."

The rest is history.

HUGS,

Mark

[AlanBama]

My experience was about the same as Mark's, except I got the news by phone, not face to face. 

"Get your affairs in order, enjoy the time you have left."

I'm still enjoying the time "I have left", 21 years later......

Alan 

[newbernswiss]

It seems just like yesterday, but how time has passed quickly and much has changed, but the stigma still hangs around. I remember going to the beach and spending the night, not much sleep though. My last night not knowing I was HIV poz. I felt dread looming ahead, feared what would happen if they told me I was HIV positive, how would I live out my life...the next morning sitting in a small office the ARNP walked in, the first words out of her mouth "I have some bad news for you", she handed me the results and ask me if I'd like her to recommend a good doctor for HIV treatment. I just walked out, never said a word to her. My CD4 count was in the 30's, ? viral load since they did not have such a test yet. That was 18 years ago. Through all the ups and downs, hand full after hand full of pills, pill changes, treatments, broken relationships, new relationship, life has been good to me. I just had a doctor appt today. My cd4 was 435, VL undetectable, nothing new to complain about.

[Denver Toad]

It was five years ago this last February I got the news. I’d been sick at the time, and knew I was getting progressively worse with each passing week.  It was me that suggested an HIV test to the Dr. I’d suspected but never wanted to admit I was at risk until the bitter end. Had the blood taken and a week later the doc called and said I HAD to come in immediately. No, he wouldn’t talk over the phone. That afternoon, February 14th Valentines Day, he gave me the news I knew was coming. Even though I pretty well knew what he was going to say, it was still a shock. I remember seeing his lips move and my mind acknowledging that their had to be words coming out of him but I have no idea what he said. Just kinda shut it all out. And with a diagnosis date of Valentines Day I never have any trouble remembering my anniversary. What was once a romantic holiday has a whole new twist now…

[next2u]

wow, thank you all so much for sharing. i know there are others out there who are consoled by this too. hey, you lurkers should come out and tell us your story. also, you other old skoolers need to give us your 50 cents. where is the rest of our family? i see you posting in other threads, now is a good time to share again!!!!

don't make me call you out by name : )

[next2u]

also, what of our friends from outside of the us? can some more of you speak up?

[Matty the Damned]

My general practitioner ordered an HIV antibody test back in 2002 after a routine review of my sexual history. She rang me at 8:33 pm on  May 3rd of that year to tell me I'd tested positive both on ELISA and WB. As required by law those tests were repeated on a new sample and my result was confirmed on May 16th 2002.

HIV results (negative or positive) are not routinely delivered over the phone in Australia as pre and post test counselling are legal requirements following an HIV test but an exception was made in my case for reasons that need not concern you lot.

I spent the next 6 months on a drug bender that would have killed most of you.

Ah, good times.

MtD

[Florida69]

I was trying to get life insurance, and did the whole slew of tests in November of 2005.  After that I kept getting messages from the lab wanting to get a hold of me to release my test results.  I had decided against the life insurance, and didn't see the need for the results and I was smoking weed and doing cocaine regularly, so I assumed that was what they were trying to tell me.  I received the certiied letter on January 11, 2006.  I was in shock, I immediately went to my general practioner here in Tampa and took another HIV test confirming my positive results two weeks later.  I was a basket case for those two weeks, but once the results came back I started getting staff infections and continued reinfecting myself.  I was lucky to meet wonderful people in the online forums who helped to educate me and ease my mind,   I am blessed, you are too to have found your support group in these forums.  D

[isitthatbad]

I will remember the day for the rest of my life. It was 20th June 2007, it was a beautiful sunny day in such contrast to what it had in store for me. I rang the clinic for the results i spoke to the nurse and she said she couldn't disclose i have to go down. So then i already knew what the result was i started to shake and my whole life flashed before me as i drove down to the hospital. When i got to the GUM clinic i had to wait about 10minutes, that 10 minutes felt like eternity i could feel my heart pounding so loud i thought everyone else in the waiting area could hear it also. Then the nurse came out and called me in. We went into a small room and i said to her "I'm positive aren't i" and she replied "antibodies for the HIV virus 1 and 2 have been found in your blood". I just sat there i didn't cry shout or do anything i just sat there and said "that's it my parents are going to bury me" She said not necessarily and she went and got a counsellor who was really nice and briefly explained what the mission of HIV was. I was due to start work at 12 but i called my Dad to ring work for me. It was the most poignant day in my life apart from the birth of my daughter. I was still numb i went to my parents and just watched them laughing and playing with my niece ( i couldn't possibly take the smile from the faces with what i had just been informed of) so i went home, my initial reaction was to hit the bottle but i didn't i thought keep it normal as possible so i cleaned my house windows!! hahahaha strange thing to do and i kept telling myself "you are HIV+!! I then just lay on my sofa thinking about the future. Then i went and picked my daughter up from school and carried on as normal.

[randym431]

THis is kinda of a powerful topic. Like "where were you when JFK was shot (for us older folk).
I was distracted with other events that day, so it was more of a function of news rather than
something personal. And I believed all we had to do was pop a few pills, and go on our way.

One thing, after 3 years, it still is something hard to believe. Hard to grasp in its reality.

Or that I now need to visit a website like this for connection and info, where I use to think "oh, those poor people that have to visit websites like that".

There are many times I wonder if this is really true. And how a split second poor decision can change ones life so drastically forever.

Then I think of those poor folks that boarded those air planes the morning of 9/11, thinking they were taking a simple flight.
And how they too probably thought, at some point as things unfolded, why did I do this on this day, why am I on this flight. How did this happen to me?

Like coming to a fork in a road, two directions to chose from. Both will get you home.  But one will get you home safely, the other a drunk driver
out of control is waiting, that hits you from out of no where and changes everything forever.

It doesn’t seem fair something so simple, like picking the wrong flight or having an unsafe sexual encounter, can have so dire consequences.
But... that’s life, I guess.

If this was the future, or we now had a cure available, we'd get the shot and not give this a second thought. Probably someday?

[Peter6836]

I can answer this one.....  I had been losing weight, I thought it was a good thing. Then my limbs started going numb I thought perhaps I was having a heart attack. Then I thought I had the flu or perhaps it was a side effect of the heital hernia operation I had the year before. I had an esophageal dilation and broke out in a rash. Thought the rash was from Lamictal that I was place on for my bi polar disorder. All of this was happening and I was in an out of the hospital. I had been tested the year before and to tell the truth I wasn't sexually active in between this time. I thought it was ridiculous when the Doctor suggested I have an HIV test again. But I said go ahead and do it.
The doctor called me at home and told me that my sugar levels were up and he wanted me to return to the hospital for more tests. I was admitted. When he walked in I knew something else was up. In retrospect it was really good of him to do things the way he did. He sat down and told me that the HIV test came back positive. He set the whole thing up. I didn't get the clip board and the office visit and the whole cold thing. He sat there and talked to me, in a controlled atmosphere. I have been going to this Doctor of over 10 years.
I was shocked, but not really shocked. It all made sense now.
One of the first things I asked him was how I would most probably die when the time came. He answered all of my questions. He also told me that he had arranged for me to see the best ID doctor he knew. Damn he was excited when he told me he would take my case. He is wonderful and one of the best in the country according to the research I have done.
The first person I told was my friend. He doesn't drive and he got on a bus and traveled 50 miles made 4 exchanges and was at the hospital that night, he stayed with me through everything and ended up moving in with me. Next I called my sister who rushed to my bedside. I also told my X wife because I was afraid of what to tell my kids. She was overbearing as usual, and tried to make it all about her.
A few days later I called my parents who my sister was keeping at bay. I told my father who is so conservative and has had such a problem with my being gay all these years. He just said it would be OK. That we could get through this and that I would be OK.
My numbers kept dropping, I went right to an AIDS diagnosis. My friend took me home where I laid for weeks getting weaker and weaker and thinner and thinner. I had to tell my kids because I was so sick. They all took it differently. Eventually the drugs kicked in.
I drug myself back to work probably too soon. But I was determined that this was not going to kick me. People at work were shocked at my appearance. But I kept going. My ID doctor told me that people that continue to work and keep their daily routines do better. So  I told myself I was going to do that to the best of my ability.
I was lucky to have good doctors, good friends and a great family. I have moved close to my parents and my sister. My friend lives with me and reminds me to take my meds, I find that I take better care of myself when I have someone with me.
Also I learned so much about life that I would never had known. Those days when I could not lift my head from my pillow taught my a lot.
Oh yeah I cried. I wondered why me. I did that for a couple of days in the hospital. But then it just did not seem worth my energy. I decided pretty quickly to forgive myself and the person that passed this to me. I realized that I have better things to do with my life than to beat myself or someone else up over this whole situation.
Peter

[vivyt]

For me it seems like it was just yesterday. I had been dealing with throat ulcerations for almost a year. I was a frequent visitor to my ENT. The pain was so bad I lived on Vicadin for a long time. I was also just not feeling well, losing weight, having skin issues, etc. I visited hematologist and gave countless vials of blood and still no one knew what was wrong. It wasn't until my mother found out about me having Herpes and asking if I told the doctor this. I had not. I was embarrassed. Once I told my ENT he immediately said I needed an HIV test. I couldn't believe this was happening since I had only been with one guy. The test was done in May of 2007. I think it was about a week later the dr. called and wanted me to come in. He told me the results and said that it was not a death sentence and things were different now. People were living a very long time and that I should not let it get me down. Of course medically speaking this explained everything that was going on with me. I immediately went to my mom's and when she opened the door I started to cry. I have been learning and dealing with it every since. I let the guy know my status and he said he was negative which was impossible since he is the only person I have ever had sex with but I figured that was his problem. I needed to take care of myself which is what I am trying to do.

[Texan38]

I worked at a Medical Laboratory and all the employees always had to have the yearly blood work which included HIV testing and if it was negative, we would get the results the next day, if it were positive - the results would've returned two days later because the test had to be verified two more times. Mine didn't come back the next day. The manager called our home office and she was informed it was being verified...which was not good.  The results didn't come back next day either and the following day was a Saturday. She called me in the morning and informed me our home office had called her with the results and it was positive. Even though I knew how the process worked and when the results didn't come back the next day, my whole body felt numb, to actually hear "it came back positive" from my manager just seemed so surreal.  Her voice was trembling when she asked if I needed to talk, I could tell she wanted to cry. I just let out a soft "no. i'll see you Monday".  I hung up the phone, got out of bed, opened my bedroom door and my roommate was standing in the hallway. She said she heard the phone ring and wanted to know if it was my manager w/ the results. I nodded, walked over to the couch, my eyes started tearing up, she wrapped her arms around me and we both let out a loud cry. I squeezed her tightly, she kissed me on the cheek and whispered "I love you".

[tag_man08]

I had been feeling bad for a few weeks and decided to go to the doctor.  I gave blood at the nearest lab and returned a few days later to collect the results.  The receptionist gave me my results in an unsealed envelop.  I obviously read them and was in shock...since no one had called me.  I saw the doctor again that afternoon and I told her I already knew the results.  She gave me the number to the nearest AIDS clinic, but I returned to the lab one more time for the Western blot test.  I continued with my daily life of going to graduate school and taking crazy exams.  After two long weeks, I returned to the lab with my bestfriend to get the results.  Together we looked at the results and cried together--what a rollercoaster of emotions.  I left school for two weeks without saying goodbye to anyone.  I never planed to return to grad school because I thought my life was over.  But, with much encouragement from my bestfriend and the teachers from school that had no idea what I was going through...I returned.  It was the best decision I ever made.  Now, its six months later and I will be graduating soon.  My grades did fall somewhat, but I am still graduating with a 3.6/4.0.  Thank GOD I came across this website during the last 5 months.  I have continued to read different forums and decided today to post my first time.  Thank you everyone that encouraged me without even knowing it.  My best advise.....KEEP DREAMING...

[gaz41]

I went to an anoymous testing clinic on a Tuesday morning had blood drawn, paid my money and returned the next morning for results 3rd Sept. 03 , the doctor tells me the test was reactive and the sample would need to be retested using WB and that i shouldn`t get my hopes up as false positives are rare.  Two days later 5th September i return to be told that i was confirmed positive , the doctor recommended a HIV doctor to me, had a quick chat and sent me on my way.  I made an appointment with the HIV Dr for the following monday as this was a friday morning, i then went into the Cathedral which was around the corner from the centre, i still don't know why it was somehow peaceful ..did I pray I really can't remember and then I went to work as I didn't know what else to do

I t started to sink in after the first appointment with the doc and my first bloods coming back worse than I expected just over 200 and starting meds a month later after a second batch of bloods     

[next2u]

dude, you all fucking rock soo much. thank you for sharing your stories, i can't tell you what it's done for me (and im sure others). i look forward to reading more posts. so many voices, so many dynamic stories, and one common instance that changed our lives forever. 

best,
d

[Matty the Damned]

dude, you all fucking rock soo much.

Well, duh!

MtD
(Who is totally excellent but modest as well)

[wishful]

Well, i got a call on the 24th of September from my Ob (i was 31/2 months pregnant) asking me to come in to discuss my lab results...i immediately felt sick. I was at home with my daughter and my son ..i think i was watching TNT or something..I called my baby daddy and told them that the doctor wanted me to come n talk about my results and that i had asked the nurse was it HIV but she refused to discuss it with me over the phone but she did said it couldnt wait and that i should come in the next day. I dont htink i slept at all that night..some how i jsut knew it was HIV...when i went in the next day..my ob came in n said somthing along the lines of yeah everything came back pretty good..(blood sugar n whateva else i had checked at the time)..but your HIV test came back poz...and i immediately burted into tears..he said he was sorry to have to be the one to tell me that..blah blah blah...but that i shouldnt be worried cus its very treatable and very manageable...He gave me the info i need for the ID in tallahassee..i think it was Bond clinic...and so my journey started.............I really hate reliving that..But ANYTHING for fine azz NEXT2u!...

[Oceanbeach]

I had been testing every six months for several years, mostly at The Center in Long Beach.  I went to The Center at night, the facilitator was a doctor, openly gay and in a sero-opposite relationship.  It was Christmas time of 1994.  I don't remember if Kelly was his first or last name but he contributed to the programs at The Center and in the community.  He is a great person.

He asked if I knew how to draw blood, I said, I had hoped he did... we had a laugh and drew a vial.  That vial, the report and a card for me reflected the same code number, I went home to get my results in two weeks.

Two weeks passed with work, play, drinking and regular sex.  For the moment we have all had to wait for...

I arrived at the Center, took a seat in an auditorium as numbers were being called out.  Some of the numbers went into the hallway after being called and others went into the private office of Denise.  My number came up and I was directed to the private office.  The Center was originally a bank building and being second in command, Denise chose the safe for her office and it still has the safe door.

Locked in the safe with Denise, ashe handed me a box of tissues (the light blue scented Kleenex type.  I thanked he but did not have a cold and she claimed, I had tested positive in my HIV test.  Well, I went to college and never failed a course and asked for a second opinion    A volunteer came in, I think his name was David and he lived in Santa Monica.  He was also Positive so there was my second opinion.  This was a Thrusday night... There was a Living With HIV support group at The Center every Tuesday evening so, I had a few days to think about it.

I went to the Tuesday evening meeting with thousands of questions, I arrived a few minutes early and I waited, and waited, and waited.  Remember the TV Show, "This Is Your LIfe"?  That was my life and no one came.  I ran into the Doctor Facilitator in the hallway, the facilatator of the group had left the organization, Kelly said if I would show up again on Tuesday, he would show up on Tuesday.  He said even if no one else shows up, WE would have support group.

Kelly spent the week on the phone calling people with HIV, he filled the largest meeting room with LTS and newly diagnosed, several of them were my friends.  Over the next year, we took our support group on trips tp pharmacies, collecting HIV related material and attended several seminars on the Future of HIV Treatment. Have the best day
Michael

[blondbeauty]

I was told at a small public clinic for STD´s. The nurse told me: "Sit down, I think we have got bingo..." I spent one hour speaking with her. Called my friend Felix who was already HIV+ and my partner. Never cried. I was not sad, I was scared. Never told my family. I don´t have the right to make them pass such a bad time. Anyway thigs have gone pretty well since then and managed to have everything resolved on my own and the help of AIDSMEDS.

[redhotmuslbear]

I was told over the phone by a timid hepatologist who was caring for me with recently diagnosed hepatitis A.  My primary had ordered the ELISA test along with a hep screen, then left me in this doctor's care while he went on a stwo-week medical mission in Mexico.  The specialist started with "We haven't even met yet, so I feel awkward making this call."  He didn't need to go any further.  It was right before Memorial Day weeksnd, so I promptly got to the nearby hospital to have a Western blot done, along with CD4s and HIV viral load.  The doctor balked at ordering the other two tests  with the WB, not following it, until I explained how I had been running from the news for over 15 years at that point.

By the time my primary returned home, I was ready to discuss meds.  I argued against "the silver bullet" of AZT, 3TC and Crixivan he suggested.  I agreed to take the pills under the condition that we would drop the Crix if any issues seemed to arise.  They did four months later.

[poz1970]

I was told 30th July 2004, 17:25

Walked into the doctors rooms, and she said "your positive"

She said more at the time, but it was all a blur (for years, I remembered exactly what she said, tone of voice, etc .. everything), I walked home then, 30 minute walk, over a train line and some major roads, and seriously thought about staying on the train line, etc

I was meant to get a few hours sleep so that I could work a nightshift... but for some reason, I couldn't sleep...

Best friend picked me up to take me to work at 21:30, got half way to work and I told him... he was very supportive (he's also the manager of the workplace).. I was working in a cloak room at a nightclub at the time, and well, security at the nightclub knew something was wrong, and a few of them asked "whos upset you, tell me, and I'll go fuck them up", etc etc (which thinking back, was pretty supportive for big butch straight heterosexual security guards :-)

I'm still having a few problems with it, mostly emotional, and a drug side effects... ie, my guts suck the big one! nearly always have some form of abdominal pain..

Two years after, I told more people, including my mum (told her best friend (a retired nurse) the day before, so she'd have someone to phone and talk to about it)... Mum is pretty supportive, she brings over each pension day to take me to the shops (and also brings some food :-D

Every year, on my virus birthday I'm a little weird still (its 5 days before my first partner's birthday, who passed away 10 years ago this year)...

Enough of my ramblings!

my 2cents

J

[next2u]

wowzah. wishful - you, betty, queen geesh, y'all too kind to me. i kind of feel like i got my own little personal cheering section. i luv it : )

i know there are more stories out there. now is a great time to share.