POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: red_Dragon888 on December 17, 2006, 01:07:19 pm
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Dear Friend,
Sorry, for being hard on you but when I was ready to give up, you were there to kick my ass. I would have just let things stay the same and who knows what would have happen to me. That was my weakness and you put me back on track. I had a dependent relationship with all my lovers but the first one was the worst. I finally decided that I did not want to own or be responsible for his abusive ways. Normand, his name, wanted me to feel sorry for him, to understand where he was coming from and to be patient with him and in time, he would change... I woke up and realized that he liked where he was and he had no intentions to change. Or, at least that is what I thought. So I decided to break-up and we became fuck-buddies and for a while, things were good. He finally left for Canada and tried to get me to come up there to live with him. Funny, when he suggested that I come up, all I could think of that he would really be in control of my live and on one cold winter snowstorm of six feet high snow, he would kick me out. My fear may of not have been justified, but my instincts told me not to go. If he had stayed in New York City, I would not have found my real true love, Pak. For him I would allow anything for I knew anything he did would benefit both of us. I was wrong and now wish to actively be independent and make sure that my safety net is ME, MYSELF ,and I. I do not want to bully you, cause for some reason, I feel very close to you. Like as if you were a little brother or a son. (I guess the age thing forces me to use all my wisdom collected over the years) Well, more little brother. I was mad at you but I understand the age thing. Pak was just a month and a half older and I thought wow he is more than perfect cause we are so close in age. Not always true but in this case, it was... You must also understand that the way you are living, the stress of your life, will effect how you relate to others in life. You will be more anger, more insensitive, more vindictive and you won’t notice it, blame others or won’t know why. It is hard to love when there is a ten-ton emotional baggage on your back. It could cause relationships problems, like friendships and lovers. I wish you could see that and maybe you do. Please choose to be happy. It is not easy and when you finally take the steps and reach your goal you will see how easy it was and ask yourself why you did not do this sooner. I hope that you might consider using the therapy services at the GMHC. It may not help you at all or it may help you allot. I am still amazed at how the anger and sadness I was carrying was lifted away. It helps me to set goals, get rid the emotional baggage and deflates my anger. You may need the same type of help. I rather be who I am now that before the "Talk Therapy." Know that I like you very much (I would say love but only as defined: a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend) If we met I would kiss you on the cheek, hug you and feel warm thoughts. Well, I am hugging you right now and feeling the warm thoughts. I hope you will get started on your set goals and find the path was not as hard as you thought it would be. You just needed to nudged, like you had nudged me. Take care and I love you always.
Love,
Joe
Act V, sc. 2 (line 56)
PUCK
If we shadows have offended,
Think but this, and all is mended,
That you have but slumber'd here
While these visions did appear.
And this weak and idle theme,
No more yielding but a dream,
Gentles, do not reprehend:
if you pardon, we will mend:
And, as I am an honest Puck,
If we have unearned luck
Now to 'scape the serpent's tongue,
We will make amends ere long;
Else the Puck a liar call;
So, good night unto you all.
Give me your hands,
if we be friends,
And Robin shall restore amends."
-Verse from Puck's Act V speech of "A Midsummer Night's Dream"