Author Topic: I told my family last night I am HIV postive (Read 7743 times)

Ihavehope · « **on:** March 19, 2007, 10:55:23 am »

I decided to tell my mother father and older sister that I am HIV + last night. This weekend I was simply in bed all day Saturday and Sunday and could no longer hide the sadness. I could no longer stand my younger sister ignoring me so I felt it was time to disclose.

To my surprise, no tears, except a few from my father. My mother was speechless and all she did was hold my right hand and my older sister my left hand and told me what they could do for me. I told them that there isn't much to do except for them to be there for me when I needed them everything else I was handling. It was truly a sad moment for all of us, but my parents were alot more supportive than I expected. My older sister wants to go with me to the doctor visits. I feel relieved that I told them, but I also feel sad that they are suffering.

indyguy · « **Reply #1 on:** March 19, 2007, 11:03:22 am »

Now you can move foward. I know it was a big reliief when I got it out. Congrats!

carousel · « **Reply #2 on:** March 19, 2007, 11:06:14 am »

Thank you for sharing that. It gives me hope that my parents will be supportive, when I finally pluck up the courage to tell them.

Sometimes, we need to share the load.

Congratulations. It's good to know that there are people that support and love you.

milker · « **Reply #3 on:** March 19, 2007, 11:15:39 am »

Congrats Ihave,

having your sister come with you to the doctor visit is going to change things a lot for you I think, now you won't be alone in this journey, she will be there to cheer you up when you feel down and she will have a better understanding on how hiv works and how to help you fight it, and she will be the messenger to your parents, so that you don't always have to have that burden on you.

That was a big step.

Milker.

Longislander · « **Reply #4 on:** March 19, 2007, 11:52:13 am »

wow Alex, Good for you. I'm glad the burden's been lifted off your shoulders.

I hope you can let the sadness go, and let your family see that you are going on and actively living your life. That will help them a great deal as well.

Hopefully now that your younger sister no longer has to keep your secret, you can get back to your old bro/sis relationship. Go easy on her, it was a big secret to keep~

Paul

scotttt · « **Reply #5 on:** March 19, 2007, 01:15:08 pm »

Alex,

I am very proud of you. What you did took a great deal of courage and strength. I am pleased that your family was supportive. Now I think you will get more of the support that you need and deserve. Look at all you have been able to face on your own, with this added support the weight upon your shoulders should be eased a little. There is much to be said for the power of a loving family.

Take care,

Scott

Andy Velez · « **Reply #6 on:** March 19, 2007, 01:29:46 pm »

It's good to read that you received such a loving response from your family, Alex.

Of course they worry. That's just a part of the deal when you care about someone. You can let them know from time to time that you're doing well, which they will want to know and will be reassuring for all concerned. If they ask you questions just keep your responses simple and don't feel you have to teach them everything in the world about HIV.

Good for you for having put down the burden of dealing with this alone.

Cheers,

BKNYLivin · « **Reply #7 on:** March 19, 2007, 04:03:46 pm »

Congrats and I'm glad it went well! Hopefully, you can now breathe a bit better and you can all support each other.

Optimistic · « **Reply #8 on:** March 19, 2007, 05:24:47 pm »

Congrats on the disclosure.....hope you will find the support you need from now on.

Justin

koi1 · « **Reply #9 on:** March 19, 2007, 07:20:16 pm »

Dear Friend,

It makes me so happy that you will now have support within your family to make you even more powerful in the fight against this disease. I know that even though I did not want my family to find out at the beginning, it was a good thing. I have been able to share with them both the good and the bad news and that has made a big difference in my psychological/emotional disposition.

I hope to see you uplift as time goes by and you begin to enjoy the web of support that a family can provide.

rob

GAMark · « **Reply #10 on:** March 19, 2007, 08:17:33 pm »

When I told my family I was poz, it was really a weird moment for me. I'm glad yours were so understanding. My mother, who never had a problem with me being gay is now scared to be around me, and my father who never would take me being gay for an answer has done a complete 360 and is one of the most supportive people in my life now...
Congrats....

otherplaces · « **Reply #11 on:** March 19, 2007, 09:40:59 pm »

Of course it is upsetting for them, but they'll adapt and learn just as we do. You'll find great strength within yourself for crossing this bridge.

much love,
brian

tigger2376 · « **Reply #12 on:** March 19, 2007, 09:45:28 pm »

Its the only time I've ever seen my mum cry...but we're closer than ever now
Of course they'll find it hard, they love you, but it seems like it was the right thing to do for you and I'm sure things will be easier if you can talk about it with them. Its a hard thing to keep from those you love.
Good luck, 'congratulations' seems a weird thing to say, but that took some guts
With Love
Jo
x

Life · « **Reply #13 on:** March 19, 2007, 09:49:36 pm »

Alex, don't you feel that 10,000 pound load off your shoulders?? Feels great does it not?? Guess who is helping you carry the load now? Your family and that's as it should be (for me).. This is no different than any other illness that families face. I see so many hide in fear and that's just plain dam wrong and I applaud you for standing your ground in a very difficult process... They will learn, they will adapt and yes, there interactions may change, but hay, you have done your part. Keep educating them and letting them know... You have opened the box, now keep it open and allow the communication to flow in a positive focused direction...

Congratulations.... I know how much you have thought and thought how this would play out in your mind... Been there!!! Now you can move on.....

Love

Eric

Miss Philicia · « **Reply #14 on:** March 19, 2007, 09:50:44 pm »

Great news! Somehow I missed this thread all day. I'm surprised, in light of your previous statements, that you bit the bullet this early in your recent diagnosis and went forward with this... but pleasantly surprised. I wish I'd had the ability to do this when I was diagnosed as it ended up taking me 9 years to do.

Anyway, I'm sure you're worn out after that discussion but in time you will count their support as a huge blessing.

emeraldize · « **Reply #15 on:** March 19, 2007, 10:11:36 pm »

IHH

I've been following your posts for some time. Congratulations. What relief you've allowed yourself. I Have Hope that you'll discover a new and better level of communication with your family members. I did, and with my friends, too. This is the best news I've read today!

Em

StrongGuy · « **Reply #16 on:** March 19, 2007, 11:20:23 pm »

Very happy for you and am glad you have one less weight on your shoulder.

Mikey

anniebc · « **Reply #17 on:** March 19, 2007, 11:28:41 pm »

Hi Alex

I'm glad you were able to do this, there is no support better than that of your family, I'm glad this has worked out well for you.

Hugs
Jan

allopathicholistic · « **Reply #18 on:** March 20, 2007, 07:19:19 am »

IHH/Alex

Congratz on this honey. Disclosure has sort of become a rite of passage for poz people. I predict your health is gonna improve because you disclosed. I'm so glad the family reactions were positive. It makes a world of beautiful difference. If you're feeling blessed about that, well, you should be in my opinion!

hope no one gets on my case for what I just wrote

Here's to moving forward to better and better,
Luv,
Alex

bear60 · « **Reply #19 on:** March 20, 2007, 08:32:18 am »

I feel your relief....in a way I am relieved as much as you are. In my heart I know that parents love and support their kids unconditionally and this just confirms that belief.

J.R.E. · « **Reply #20 on:** March 20, 2007, 08:46:15 am »

Hello,

I disclosed to my mother, and sisters and brothers back in 1985, shortly after I became HIV positive. It is something that I never regretted.There were plenty of tears and of hugs back then. I couldn't have done it without their support, and my partners support.
I am sure it feels as though a weight has been lifted.

Ray

Christine · « **Reply #21 on:** March 20, 2007, 11:33:01 am »

A burden has been lifted off your shoulders. There will be tears, and there might be some yelling, but it sounds like they are going to be a great support for you. I told my family in stages, and I gave them this web site in case they had questions. The lessons section is great.
Christine

Ldn+ · « **Reply #22 on:** March 21, 2007, 11:47:19 am »

Wow. Congrats. I'm terrified at the thought of telling mine (mostly because they worry so much). It's great of you to share your experience with all of us though. It gives me hope for when I find the right time to tell mine. All the best.

Ihavehope · « **Reply #23 on:** March 21, 2007, 11:59:13 am »

Quote from: Ldn+ on March 21, 2007, 11:47:19 am

Wow. Congrats. I'm terrified at the thought of telling mine (mostly because they worry so much). It's great of you to share your experience with all of us though. It gives me hope for when I find the right time to tell mine. All the best.

It's a big step to tell your family, one you can not take back so you need to be ready for any type of reaction. I told them because I wasn't getting any other support and they noticed a big change in me. They wondered what was going on, so if they were going to start worrying about me then they might as well know what is happening to me. They are still in shock but are dealing with it alot better then expected. I took me some time to tell them, and they were actually upset that I didn't tell them earlier.

Al

Moffie65 · « **Reply #24 on:** March 21, 2007, 12:20:41 pm »

Al,

You're a good man Charlie Brown.

Congratulations, and hopefully your journey will help some of the members here who have shown fear from what you have done.

Love,

SUNSHYNE · « **Reply #25 on:** March 21, 2007, 03:16:30 pm »

Hey congrats on taking that very big step and moving forward..my boyfriend was just diagnosed on dec.06 and there is no way nobody will every know about it..he is very strong with not telling nobody about it so that information basicaly stays between me and him what ever happens nobody really knows about it, i know u must feel a whole lot better now and its really good because we need all the support we can get ! hopefully one day he will have the support u have

i wish u all the best good luck

thunter34 · « **Reply #26 on:** March 21, 2007, 03:29:30 pm »

I salute you. Big step you've taken. Feels kinda good inside, doesn't it?

dtwpuck · « **Reply #27 on:** March 21, 2007, 03:30:06 pm »

Hope.... that's a huge step. The single hardest thing I've ever done in my life was to tell my mother that I'm hiv+, not because I didn't think she would be supportive, but because I felt I was failing her, and that it would hurt her. The look on her face is something I will never forget. She held her arms like a child was in them and said "my baby has AIDS".

Now, melodrama aside, she was feeling things a lot at that moment.

Parents love their children. They can't help it. Thankfully yours realize that whatever notions society places on HIV, the fact is they love you. This is a time of sadness. But it is also a time of joy. You are loved, my friend. Accept their sadness and support for you, and love them back. It helps a lot.

All my best, always

Scott

Ihavehope · « **Reply #28 on:** March 21, 2007, 04:06:24 pm »

thank you guys.

I feel very down right now and ashamed. It almost feels like a nightmare and I am re-living the whole recently diagnosis event. They couldn't be any more supportive and I am thankful for that, but right now I feel mixed emotions. I don't know what to talk to them about, I can't look at them in the eye, I don't want to leave my room and lost my appetite. It's a relief that I got this out of my system but honestly I don't know what to expect from them now.

How are they going to view me from now on? Are they constantly going to worry about me? I never came out of the closet because I never felt the need to but now I am almost obligated to talk about it because, AIDS is many times associated with being gay. My sister asked me the dreadful question yesterday and asked me if I knew who gave it to me and if it was a guy or girl. I didnt have the courage to answer the question and simply said "it doesn't make a difference who gave it to me and who didn't" and I changed the subject. By now she probably figured it all out but I really don't have the energy to deal with talking about my homosexuality right now. What really touched me the most was that she went to visit her primary doctor to get informed about HIV and did her research. She visits me everyday but doesn't make me feel like I am "sick".

I haven't talked much to my mother or father since, I had dinner with them last night but I swallowed my food to avoid conversation. I didn't want them to feel pressured into talking to me, they both avoided looking at me at the dinner table but I understand their position. It must be real hard for them as it is for me. I tried to sugarcoat as much as possible the disease to calm my mother and father down, I thought that was the least I could do. I hope I did the right thing. In my head I know I did the right thing by disclosing but my I am very sad because I know that my family is going through a very hard moment.

milker · « **Reply #29 on:** March 21, 2007, 04:34:42 pm »

silence, avoidance, won't help.

May I suggest that you offer them to teach them about hiv. "Mum, Dad, I'd like to show you my results, and explain to you how that works", and show them the progression graph, talk to them about how medication works, so that you and them are on the same page. You can't expect them to have the same education you've had on HIV; they only hear about what the media tells them, and it's not pretty, so yes, they are scared. You could give them the link to the aidsmeds lessons page, although you may just want to cut&paste if you don't want them to read your posts

If they ask "so how did you get infected", you can reply "I had an unprotected sexual encounter, I know I was stupid but this is the past, now let's focus on the future". If they say "are you gay?" reply "many straight people get infected too, you know, but to answer your question, yes."

Milker.

bear60 · « **Reply #30 on:** March 21, 2007, 04:37:22 pm »

IHave
I think Milker has some good Ideas. Especially talking about the elephant in the room.......HIV.

dtwpuck · « **Reply #31 on:** March 21, 2007, 04:49:40 pm »

Milker is right, that avoidance won't help the issue. HOWEVER... cut everyone some slack here. They have just had a huge bombshell dropped. Emotions are probably raw. It is sometimes OK to let things rest for a day or two, let people collect their thoughts and move to the next level.

But you must move to the next level.

Hope... Shame is a very tricky emotion. People who have been trained to feel it have a very hard time overcoming it. You have let someone down. You want them to be proud of you. You cannot look at them straight in the face because you know that they know your secret. Man, that's hard.

Try to remember this: you are human. Humans make mistakes. They love you, faults, blemishes and all. If your mother got ill because she ate some bad leftovers, you might be angry because she didn't smell the food first, but you would still love her. Now, HIV is much more serious than food poisoning, so it would stand to reason that the shame on your side and the sadness on theirs is multiplied many times over. Try to step into their shoes. How would you feel about you? What if this were your sister? Would you still love her? Would you want to talk about it? Would you want to be the one to bring it up?

This is why I always tell people to wait until they are really ready to tell their family. Now it is going to be up to you for a while to bring it up. Keep the conversation going. Try to face your shame... because that's going to get in the way. Have courage. Remember, it will get better, but it might be really hard for a while. There might be tears. It might be too hard to talk about. Parents do not typically deal well with the mortality of a child. Be compassionate, be kind, but remember to be their son. They need you. You need them. Keep the communicatioin open.

Queen Tokelove · « **Reply #32 on:** March 22, 2007, 07:50:05 pm »

Congrats on disclosing, I bet it makes things a deal easier...

Miss Philicia · « **Reply #33 on:** March 23, 2007, 02:31:43 pm »

I'll go out on a limb here and say that your parents and siblings probably already know that you're gay, unless you've been actively concealing it with a huge line of girlfriends coming through the house since you were 16 which I somehow have gotten the sense that you have not. I'm just saying this to perhaps make it easier to also say to them that you're gay, as it seems this will clear the air for you and allow you to move on.

But I also agree with puck that your family just had a bombshell and are still digesting things. I doubt your family will broach the "gay" subject without you making the first step though.

milker · « **Reply #34 on:** March 23, 2007, 03:16:11 pm »

So Ihave, how is this coming thru?

Milker

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Author Topic: I told my family last night I am HIV postive (Read 7743 times)