Things are better today...

[idee]

We fought yesterday morning. It was to the point we were about to separate and he was leaving. I called the therapist to ask if we can come in. We went in not having slept all night from arguing. We were so exhausted, but both still ready to argue our points.
The therapist talked to us and told us the past is the past. We are starting new from that moment on. She asked me to see a therapist on my own then call to schedule an appointment, she is the marriage counselor. Today she is talking to the therapist I will see and it seems like everything can be ok.
Things aren't perfect. My husband told our marriage counselor that I drive him crazy telling him over and over of how my family treated me. I come form a family of crime, drug selling/using/alcoholism, incest, and physical/mental abuse. My husband also experienced family issues, but he is somehow fine because he is not around it. He leaves people out of his life and that is it for him.
For me something I see on tv triggers what I have witnessed or experienced. He said to the therapist I talk about it so much, but he knows it's not my fault. I knew when he said that he understood everything I had said. He did not hate me. I was actually able to let go of some hurtful things he had said in response to what I had told him.
Once my husband wanted me to role play a woman he caught by surprise. I was not able to play along, I thought of how many times an  adult family friend would try to peep in when I was eight and taking a shower. Memories stink at times!!!
I feel no need to mention these things because my husband literally told the therapist he'd want to hurt these people I told him had hurt me. I don't want him to hurt anyone. I just told him because I never told anyone until I married him. I felt like finally I was able to talk and be protected.
Last night was my first night in years not waking up throughout the night. I had a simple yet good dream. I am so refreshed today. I am not even thinking out of control. My mind is clear. For the first time in months I did not burn dinner last night. I only made BLTs. Usually I would have majorly messed even that up!
Today I realize I can never speak to certain relatives again. Through example of these relatives I know what type of people to avoid in my life.
My daughter is one reason I am making changes in my life.
I am fortunate my daughter is thinking of college, she is a caring person. She wants to help people and animals. She is worried about homosexuals getting their rights. She has a male friend who is gay. So if there is a human rights issue my daughter is always telling us about it.
I don't know what she will do when she is an adult, but I have a feeling it will be to help people what ever she decides on. Currently she mentions being a funeral director/embalmer or going into animal rescue. She even speaks up in school when teachers give education on STDs and HIV/AIDs. Her teachers are always telling me she is so smart and very informed on many subjects, if only she'd do her homework.
The home work issue is my only problem with her. She likes playing Sims and Minecraft on her laptop. Other times she is reading her n=books on how to design websites.
Other than that the therapist thinks I may have OCD. She says that often times people with OCD have rumination. I think over things to a point I cannot sleep or do simple things correctly. Everything I think about will have to do with past abuse and how to correct it, prevent it, and if it is happening again.
I am not thinking like this today. My thoughts stopped yesterday, I am thinking clearer today. I am not angry or depressed today. Just my husband saying he knows it's not my fault really let me know he does not blame me.
Sorry I wrote this out of order. I am used to writing first to edit/correct when finished. Only when I try to insert throughout the paragraphs the typed words start to replace what was already typed. I don't know how to change that on this site. If anyone knows how to change it please let me know.

[BT65]

Hi Idee, you need to click on the "insert" key on your computer keyboard.  Then you will be able to insert words without other words disappearing. 

I went through a lot of abuse, as a lot of HIV+ women have, and found that therapy helped immensely.  I think once you get into therapy, and start processing this with a professional, it will also help you. 

I'm glad things are better with your husband.  I can only predict they will continue to get better with your upcoming therapy sessions.   Good luck!  Just be willing to open up, and take suggestions.

Betty

[emeraldize]

Hi Idee

Wow!  This is a lot of progress in a short period of time for the two of you. 

I'm happy for you all including your daughter.

I admit I rather passionately jumped to your defense previously.

That merely reflects my child and adulthood I suppose.

Reading about your successful BLT has made me want one !!!!

May you have more successes of all sorts!!

[idee]

Hi Idee

Wow!  This is a lot of progress in a short period of time for the two of you. 

I'm happy for you all including your daughter.

I admit I rather passionately jumped to your defense previously.

That merely reflects my child and adulthood I suppose.

Reading about your successful BLT has made me want one !!!!

May you have more successes of all sorts!!

Recently I have been dealing with my husband not smoking marijuana. So the withdrawals are happening. I went through him walking out the front door so I closed and locked the door. He came back since he realized I wasn't begging him to stay. He acted like a jerk until he broke down crying.
This morning I woke up at ten minutes to five. He freaked out at me and told me it was too early. It was is idea that we go to bed early last night and if I was up early to use that time to study.
I have been walking on egg shells the last couple of days not being able to do anything right in his opinion.
This morning he acted like a jerk. I go back and forth with if it's me or him. My psychiatrist told me I don't need medications. He said we are going to try something new. I am to make eye contact, smile, and try to make a comment while standing in line at the grocery store. I tried this with five people who came my way in the grocery store yesterday morning. Four people were very nice. So I get it I need to smile more.
My husband did apologize this morning an hour and a half later. I told him It's fine I know his body still thinks it needs to smoke for now. He said that's not it, it's that I woke up early. I mmmhmmmed him and said I had to make our daughter waffles. I acted like I did not even hear what he had said. You know what??? That had more effect on him then if I would have acknowledged what he had said.
He has never used the words "I'm sorry" to me. He tried to use the blame after, but I refused to accept it. I know I am correct this time since I am helping him through his withdrawals again. I know his body is going through something and I can accept his grumpiness, but it's not my fault.
Now we are ok. I am just going to use the ignore technique for now on. It works.
I am still seeing a psychiatrist. I have social discomfort. I used to be very optimistic and people were always attracted to me. I used to walk down the street with my head up high. Now I am nervous at times out side. I have spent a lot of time keeping to myself do to being HIV positive so I would not get hurt again.

[idee]

Hi Idee, you need to click on the "insert" key on your computer keyboard.  Then you will be able to insert words without other words disappearing. 

I went through a lot of abuse, as a lot of HIV+ women have, and found that therapy helped immensely.  I think once you get into therapy, and start processing this with a professional, it will also help you. 

I'm glad things are better with your husband.  I can only predict they will continue to get better with your upcoming therapy sessions.   Good luck!  Just be willing to open up, and take suggestions.

Betty


Hi,
I have been seeing a psychiatrist. He is trying a social experiment with me. He said to make eye contact with people in public, smile, and speak to them. If they complain just reply with something like, 'That sucks' or 'Oh really.' Maybe even mention the weather. What I have is called social discomfort. I wrote about how things are going now in a reply to emeraldize below. I have discovered the 'ignore what he said and walk away if I don't like it' technique works on my husband. I am not really into being social like my husband. I like to be alone to work on my own projects. I also talk myself through projects at times as I am usually cutting recipes in halve or figuring out measurements for sewing or planning appointments. So I guess I could be annoying.