Just need some support

[otherplaces]

Hello Aidsmeds community,

I thought maybe I'd reach out for some support. I've been reading the forums and have gained insight and hope from others who have travelled this road for much longer than I. I was diagnosed in Sept. of '05. Maybe it's obvious, but those traveling the same road have words with infinite more meaning than anything anybody has said to me in the past 9 months. In short and to be a bit dramatic...I feel alienated. I will try and lay it out quickly. As a man who identifies as straight, but also enjoys crossdressing and has slept with other tg's I feel I have ended up in a subculture upon a subculture upon a subculture. If you want to call me bi or gay I don't care. It matters little. The point is that all my friends are straight. I'm open to them about my interests, but after becoming positive I feel beyond alienated. I feel they are distancing themselves from me. They've attempted to be supportive but in the end have been horrible friends who irregularly return my phone calls and avoid the subject that currently dominates my life....which is of course that I have HIV. Perhaps someone could give me a little latitude and let me be a drama queen for awhile. I need a shoulder to cry on. I need someone to hug me and tell me they'll stand with me no matter what. In this regard my friends have all let me down. It would be a bit of an understatement that I'm a bit lonely.

So I'm looking somewhere for a little support. Because I want to be strong. After being diagnosed I have made some changes in my life. Mainly I started working out like a madman. This I have come to enjoy, but after 9 months and waning support from everyone in my life I feel I'm growing weak. I can't stop smoking and I'm drinking more often. My workouts are also losing their fequency and enthusiasm. I've been working 6 day weeks and the stress is a bit beyond me. I want this crap out of my life but I always go back. Always just one more cigarette to help me cope.

I currently feel a bit cornered. Financially I can't drop my workload. I also need to stop seeing my therapist who I realized is a big reason why I have so much trouble paying my rent. My VL has gone from 1,500 to 15,000 to 69,000 (for ref. cd4 has gone from 435, 411, 425, 380, 430...%'s yo yo'd the same currently 29%). Next time I see my doc will be the 1 year mark and I feel I'm heading for meds unless I pull my shit together. It just seems too early for meds which just causes worry which causes etc. bad cycle.

So I don't know. Give me some words of wisdom. Kick my ass. Something.

Thank you and love to you all.

OP

[Matty the Damned]

OP,

Welcome! It's always a bittersweet thing to welcome a new member to the Forums.

You've certainly got some issues packed in this thread! First up -- your numbers don't seem too bad to me. Don't fret too much about your absolute CD4 count, that will fluctuate. Keep your eye on that percentage and 29% isn't too bad. Similarly, individual VL results are fairly meaningless. Watch the trend of over time -- that will give you a better idea of how things are going. Also check out the lessons here on test results and what they mean. They're very good.

I understand that Trannies often get treated very poorly, even by the supposedly tolerant gay community. As a gay man I'm often shocked at how my faggy bretheren treat Trannies. However you identify yourself is a matter for you and I'm sure you'll find that here at AIDSMEDS people look at what you say -- not who you are.

Booze and smokes. Oh honey, you're speaking my language. I swear, I smoke, I drink like a sailor. Often in the company of sailors. From one heavy drinker and smoker to another -- it's not good but you can get a handle on it. It's something to discuss with your doctor.

Or any of the functional alcoholics here at AIDSMEDS.

Once again, welcome! I hope you find this place a rewarding as I have.

Matty the Damned

[aztecan]

Hey OP,

Welcome to the family. You packed a lot into a first post. As Matty said, we don't judge people on their proclivities.
We are all in the same boat here, leaky as it is.
You are in your first year living with the bug. That, I think, is the toughest, because you are still getting used to this new chapter in your life.
Don't fret the numbers. Watch for trends over time. And, when the time comes, don't view starting treatment as a failure. Think of it as your way of taking back control of your life.
In the meantime, just take it a day at a time. I've been doing that for 21 years now.
As for the drinking and smoking - well, what can I say? It's better if you can cut down a bit, but don't go crazy and make yourself miserable in the process.
I don't drink much these days, usually, unless I get the inspiration to tie one on. At my age, it takes too long to recover from those escapades.

Hang in there. I look forward to hearing more from you.

HUGS,

Mark

[Moffie65]

Hi OP,

Welcome to the madhouse!

You became HIV+ a full 22 years to the month, after I did the same thing.  To make it for 22 years, you have to somehow, garner the inner strength to work out all these issues on your own, and I say to hell with anyone of your "friends" that cannot deal with your new life.  It is really important to realize just who is, and who isn't a friend, and to make that clarity in your mind very early on.  You might end up with only one or two very close, and supportive friends.  If this is the case, you will be very rich. 

About the disease; reduce your stress, and for sure, if your therapist is causing you more stress, the virus will be overjoyed if you keep going.  It seems that stress hormones are like a party for the virus, and you are still at a very crucial point in your disease progression, where you can make a huge difference in your numbers, just by reducing/eliminating stress.

I now give you a gift I found on the net, and I have had it stashed away for the exact and right person.  You are that person, and the gift is yours.  Please click on the attachment, and copy it to your files, it is now yours.

In Love and Support.

[attachment deleted by admin]

[Iggy]

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[RAB]

Welcome to the forums!  You have found the best place in cyber world for HIV+ people.  The members here are some of the most amazing people you will ever get to know.

I can't offer anything better than the good advice you've already been given. 

Take it easy, give yourself time to adjust, feel free to come here and vent,ask,scream, laugh with the rest of us. 

RAB

[water duck]

OP,

When u reached this post , all the good & intelligent things already been said, so no point in repeating.

'Because i want to be strong ' oh !! but u r strong, in coming out like this , u must need alot of guts. In accepting our weakness, we can then begins to build upon our strength.

Booze & smoke : guess u should not make a big deal about it, u needed to fill a void created by your 'friends'. When u begin to put the 'pieces' back together again, u see , it will go if u want it to !!

Can't afford a therapist ?? well , come on the AM often, it's the most therapeutic clinic around, there will always be someone around to offer support !!

.....you'll find that here at AM people look at what you say--not who you are ::said Matty
so have no fear !!

Siang

[otherplaces]

I'd like to thank all of you for your words of support. I think you made my day dramatically better.

I figured noone would care that I crossdress on here. I just mentioned it because it seems to offer a rather specialized sense of isolation on top of everything else.

I know my labs could be alot worse. It's just the trend in my VL that worried me. It's the only lab results that has any coherence. If it kicks past 100,000 it seems troublesome for one year out. What I find weird is that my labs just don't jive with the literature. VL up CD4 down. When my cd4's went down my percentage went up. And now that my VL is at 69,000 my cd4's are back near my highest number.

I also never had that huge VL spike at the beginning. I was diagnosed with a VL of 6,000 a month and a half after my infection. So I look at all this and I just think....why doesn't any of this make any sense??

I guess alot of us smoke. My doctor doesn't berate me at all about it. He just says there's alot of reasons besides HIV to quit smoking. I think I keep waiting for someone to James T. Kirk me and say, "My god man!!! You MUST QUIT THIS NOW!!!!!"

Again, thank you all

op

[Matty the Damned]

OP,

I've always admired cross-dressers. I've tried it and end up looking like and sounding Lucille Ball in her final years. Ah well, we can't always have what we want.

Nevertheless, I'm glad we have been able to make a small difference in your day. May you have many more such days with us.

Fondest regards,

MtD

[aztecan]

Hey OP,
Funny Matty should mention it, but I have donned a dress once or twice. I looked like a cross between Ethyl Merman and Jane Hathaway in a Cher wig.

NOT PRETTY! 

By the way, what others have said about family, Tis true! 

You're stuck with us now - and it is a great place to be.

HUGS,

Mark

[otherplaces]

I look better in a dress than I sound. Mastering the voice is for the pros and I think is probably impossible w/o hormones.

Maybe this is the family I've always been looking for. I've definitely been impressed with the HIV community and its history.

[Matty the Damned]

OP,

Just pass yourself off as Lauren Bacall. It's what Bucko does.

Fondly,

MtD

[kcmetroman]

Hey OP, welcome.....I look like shit in a dress

[MoltenStorm]

Welcome to the forums! Crossdressers are always welcome!

That reminds me of a quote from Tu-Wang-Fu, "A crossdresser is a straight man who enjoys women's clothing. But a gay man, who desires to be fabulous in a dress, that, THAT is a drag queen!" Sorry, I couldn't help it. Loved that movie.

If those "friends" stopped associating with you because of your status, then they weren't really "friends." A true friend will help you walk by wrapping your arm around their neck and stumbling along with you. A true friend will cry with you and let you soak their best shirts with your tears. A true friend will draw closer to you in your time of need instead of disappearing. Hopefully, we can be there for you and be your friends. We're all in it with you, and you are still a wonderful person HIV or not!

*presents his shoulder* Cry all you need to, hun. *big warm hug*

[otherplaces]

Thanks Molten,

javascript:void(0);

Not sure how these little faces work. But hopefully that will be me crying a bit on your shoulder. But with such nice words I don't feel like crying so much today

I don't know that movie, but that seems like a pretty accurate description of a cd and dq.

thanks,
op

[otherplaces]

Shit. I need an emoticon how to.

[Sky]

Hey OP!  Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story...always better out than in I say.  As for crossdressing, you better work!  Women have much more fabulous clothes than men...only hot things for guys are stuff for buff men, which I'm so far from. 

Smoking, drinking, cussing, you name it we all do it...moderation is key.  Just educate yourself with the lessons on here and take a deep breath, things do get easier.

[Christine]

Hi OP,
You have been going through a lot of stuff the past few months. When it all gets thrown at you in a short time, it can be very overwhelming.

I agree with the other posters about your numbers. Try to focus on the %'s, and not the absolute counts. They can bounce up and down pretty dramatically without any change in your health. As far as the drinking and smoking, the first step in cutting back is to acknowledge that you have to- which you have in your post, so take the next baby step. Talk to your doctor about cutting back.

And it does not matter if your gay, straight, bi, tranny...just does not matter. We are all here because we are now on the same path, it does not matter how we got here, just that we support and care for each other now when we need it. It is normal to have bad days, and when you do, post here, and someone can help with words of care and encouragement.

Christine

[otherplaces]

Christine and Sky,

Thanks for your words of acceptance and support.

I'm going to get back to the gym after this recent bout of depression. I had cut back my smoking and drinking. I was smoking like 4 a day. But they always grab me when things get bad and off I go smoking away the time.

Women definitely have many more options in clothing that are so much more interesting and exciting than men's clothes. But I spend 99% of my time in men's clothes and don't really mind that...as I'm not a ts. So I accept the challenge of dressing well as a man. It's all about subtlety. Mainly making sure your pants and shirts fit well and have a good cut that fits your body...that includes your tshirts! So much male shit is baggy and stupid. With the right pair of pants and shirt you'll look infinitely better than most men on the street because they're all slack jawed and stupid when it comes to clothes. The main problem is affording to be well dressed as a man AND a woman. So expensive.

op

[Jena]

Op
 As the others have said, welcome, their are no judgements here honey, we have all fucked up in one way or another or else we wouldn't be here either.
Take care of yourself, you already know what you need to do, so no lectures. We're here when you need us
Hugs
Jena