six days....

[racingmind]

hello everyone...

It's been six days since I got my bad news.  Having read many of the posts on here, my reactions are pretty much the same as everyone else's.   I am just so scared, angry at myself, full of shame, and just plain sad that I wouldn't mind dying right now so that I don't have to deal with any of these feelings.  I have been to my doctor who took some blood for the baseline tests (only one has come back CD4: 442), but I have to wait 3 weeks to see the infectious disease specialist.   I don't think I am going to feel any better until I get the other results back and have the ID doctor go over them.  It's gonna be a long 3 weeks........

My boyfriend is waiting for his initial results, so he still has a chance of dodging this nightmare.  I am praying that he is okay.  He has been so sweet and supportive (he is the only one who knows besides the doctors), I don't know where I would be right now without being able to hug him.  I guess I am lucky in that respect when I think about others having to go through this horrific ordeal alone.

Reading the posts on this site has helped a great deal.  It gives me hope that everything will be okay in the long run.   I think that being able to communicate with others in the same situation is a wonderful thing. 

Thanks for listening.

[Matty the Damned]

Racing,

Welcome to the Forums. My sympathies on your recent positive test result. The way you're feeling at the moment is quite natural and, let me assure you, this will get better. I know it doesn't seem that way at the moment, but it will.

I've got some good news for you. A CD4 count of 442 is pretty good. Naturally, that number has to be seen in the context of your other blood test results, but nevertheless, I wouldn't stress to much about it. If you need more information on what your test results mean, click the "lessons" link in the upper left hand corner of the page.

Fondly,

MtD

[Eldon]

Hello Racing, it is Eldon.

Just as Matty has said, try not to stress about it. I truly sympathize with you that you have tested positive as I am positive too. It is a good thing that you have your BF for your support system so that you do not have to go through this alone. Yes, there are others who have to go through it alone.

Your CD4 count is good and the other test should indicate where you stand on your Viral Load. There are a lot of things running through your mind right now and as Matty also said, take a moment to read through the lessons thread.

Also, I wish to extend a warm WELCOME to you here at the forums. This site is a great mechanism to add to your current support system. Here there is encouragement, communication, understanding, support, some cries, some laughter, and many of your questions answered relating to HIV/AIDS.

In the interim, get your proper rest, get some exercise, drink plenty of fluids, change your eating diet, and don't try to take it all in at one time. It is one day at at time. You are not alone.

Again, Welcome! and have the BEST Day!

[mark06]

hi racingmind.


i'm sorry that you're here too but it is much better that we have this great forum of wonderful people to communicate with. i think that we need to vent and express at this time and writing it down can be a useful alternative to speaking. gives you the time to think and get it all out.

Although i still have the slimmest of slimmest hopes that the next test will be negative, I am coping good enough with what my mind tells me is a positive result. i went to my job interview today. it went decently, under the circumstances, even though i felt i was fooling them and myself in a way. But either way on its sucess, at least it put me back in a place for the living. doing my best to think like everyone else in an interview. i don't regard it as denial. it's just being a real person again. and that is what i would say that you need to do. At your own pace of course. Encage with life again. That's what i am determined to do. As much as it is useful to come on the net- i don't want to obsess by browsing like crazy- i think it's important to get out of the house. get fresh hair. go to the park or somewhere natural. those are my intentions. what in your life reduces your stress? for me, i'll use exercise as a good tool, hopefully  when i get fully over the acute symtoms. i'll walk until then. maybe a good idea for you too. i think the worst thing is to stay and look at your four walls. however, i have a personality that makes me think that constant movement and the doing of things gets be through problems. its like when i'm out i want to run everywhere- move so quick. i guess i have a complex with time and my fear that i now have a lack of it. i find it difficult and it will take a while for both of us, but putting the negative thoughts aside has ultimately, really to be done. as i see it, we need to appreciate every day now and use it in the best way possible. my nurse called this a life-afffirming situation. obviously that is not what you think at the beginning. you think the total opposite. i can't say i can take that approach yet but maybe with time- and maybe i'll become a better person in a lot of ways.  i don't know what time period you are post infection or if you got AVS symptoms. but just from my perspective/ minor opinion, when you get AVS your mental health is burdoned more than if you were asymtomatic and learnt of the diagnosis. the mind seems so closely related to the manifest health of the body.

i hope my perspectives have been of some use to you.

hang in there, my friend. we gotta keep stong.

mark

[racingmind]

Thank you everyone for your concern and support.  Each day seems to get a little easier.  I keep trying to keep busy in order to distract myself.  Still waiting on test results and not feeling 100% like myself yet.  I have swollen lymph nodes and head spins occasionally, but I'm not sure if that is just a psychological reaction to the situation.  I told my doctor about the dizziness but he didn't seem very concerned about it.  He thinks it's just stress.  I am trying to quit smoking cigarettes, although that is difficult for anyone at anytime, let alone at a stressful time like this.  I know I have to quit...I just don't want to make myself completely crazy and add to my already elevated stress level.  Like Mark said in his post, when you're symptomatic, it makes the news even harder to take.  I think that if and when these things unswell and stop being sore and I start to feel somewhat healthy again I will have a better outlook on my situation and stop feeling sorry for myself so much. It just sucks to feel physically and psychologically ill at the same time.

Again, thanks to those of you who took the time to reply....I really appreciate it and everything you said was helpful and encouraging. 

[allopathicholistic]

I am trying to quit smoking cigarettes, although that is difficult for anyone at anytime, let alone at a stressful time like this.  I know I have to quit...I just don't want to make myself completely crazy and add to my already elevated stress level. 

Good luck. There's always the "cutting back" approach which is less taxing/intense than a big-time quit. We're here for you honey. Please post some more, we're very open/honest here