hello

[javier]

Hello, before i begin i would like to say english is not my first language, so please forgive my redaction. Second, i hope what i will wright is suitable for this forum. Maybe its just a way of wrighting to myself. to get my fears and emotions out, to people i dont know and that cant blame me or judge me face to face, and were i can just hear a word of advise or comprehension, the latter not beeing totally necesary for i dont think i deserve comprehension. I have been reading for quite some time this forum, meaning quite some time as in three hours. Im 23, living in southamerica, pretty much in a comfortable economic situation, i whent to a nice catholic school, now im studying a promising carreer which i dont want to study but have to get over, my real dream is music and its what i want to do for the rest of my life, if it is for long. About three to four years ago i enganged in quite risky sexual behaviour (i say quite risky because i read thats what you get from unprotected vaginal sex). The first time i did this, i was at a party and drank alot, as always in every party or social encounter, which is pretty much normal in my country. As always, i wanted to get laid (i must confess i always want to get laid, i blame this to an overexposure to sex i had in holland at a young age, not that i had sex at a young age, my first time was safer sex at 18 years old with a prostitute that let me without money for the rest of the month). I met a girl at this party, and it ended at a motel. it was my third encounter. I had sex without a condom. this stupidity of mine was paid dearly in endless nights of anxiety.  i thought all the time how stupid could i be, what if i get HIV, i just messed up my whole life. I mean, if she had unprotected sex with me then who knows what shes done in the past. But after all, its my dick, and i was the horny bastard that wanted to get laid whatever the cost. I do know that it was a stupid mistake, because at that moment i never even thought about a condom. Its part of me to forget important things from time to time. But i wasnt prepared to take the test, I was too young, i was alone, i didnt have the guts to tell anyone what i did because i thought that if a told someone the same person would then tell me to take the test and i would be forced in saying the results. So i ate it, i really ate up all my emotions. I forgot it ever happened, i forced myself to forget and go on with a mentaly sane life. And i was happy, i stayed with the idea that it was probably my imagination, that Ok, maybe i got it, but maybe i didnt, so maybe its just me. And with that i kept on going. Normality being my best friend. If i could live a normal life, then there wasnt anything wrong with me. It would be better for me to just let my life go on as it would have gone on with a condom, i said to myself: Javier, if you have it, then one day youll begin to feel like shit and youll know you have it, but before that day comes, then enjoy your life as if you dont have this virus and that way you can enjoy a life that will be better than a life knowing you have it. As the guy from matrix, that wants to be put back in because although he knows that the steak he eats is not really steak, it feels as steak to him and thats what he wants. But it wasnt really an absolutly normal life (i say "normal" as a way of stating a reality that would be without my fears of having HIV). Off course it wouldnt be normal, as the guy eating the stake would also be actually attached to a machine that uses him for electricity. But it was as normal as it could get. It made me unhappy to be unable to express myself freelly, to be a kind of slave to the fears of my mind. but i had to do it. I couldnt bare accept this reality. Also, i didnt want to, i wanted myself to be without HIV, i wanted myself and made myself think that this was not a problem for me. And it actually worked, it worked so good that i even forgot to put on a condom not once, but five more times which is what i remember, always in a sea of alcohol. And always in a sea of regret the day after, regret for expanding the possibilities of me getting the virus. And as the first time, i kept on forgeting. I didnt want to believe that a reality exists and its so real as death itself. About three of the for times my condom got out, two times i stopped right away and another i realized after it was over. All these times i felt regret, fear, anxiety, and then  thankfully a sudden memory loss!!, it was all just my imagination playing tricks on me. and what i got of this was a continued low self esteem that only i knew about. Because only i was aware of this, and why should anybody else make me feel as an idiot if i was doing a pretty good job at that. These encounters where all in a one to two year period. During this period of my life i also got oral sex without a condom from prostitutes. I have to confess it, the mixture of alcohol an hornyness in me where making me take terrible choices, suicidal choices, right plain stupid ones. Since three years after this all ive had is safe sex. i Think maybe as a consequence of this my self esteem is really good, i feel good about myself and where im going, i know i have the power to make my dreams possible. This feeling of guilt that was always burning deep inside me had gone. I was now a responsable person, i didnt sleep with anyone without a condom, i had a big stash of them and always went out with one. Also, i was quite lonely, i had never been in a relationship with someone that lasted more than a month and a half, and never had sex with a girl i had a relationship with (i guess it just didnt get to that). But all this changed suddenly. Suddenly, someone entered my life. This amazing, beautifull, smart, incredible woman. And she just arrived at my door, with my best friend. This girl is definatly the best thing going for me since i remember. And we have been dating for a month now. We get along so good, it is something i cant describe. But, there is a but. I cant breath knowing there is a but, i cant lay down my head in absolute peacefulness, although she has that effect on me, and i on her, I Know my little secret. I KNOW i cannot keep this secret a secret any longer. i have to know if yes or no, if positive or negative, i want to be at peace with her. Because if i dont, then something could happen to her, and if this is my direct fault, i would best just drive my car into the sea. I would lose every bit of respect and love for myself i ever had. I would be absolutly worthless to myself forever. Having found true love, and then thrown it into a pile of crap. This i cannot do, i dont want her to be a victim of my cowardness, not her. Impossible. And, if we are to travel together in a month, as we have planned, i just cant expose her to an unfortunate accident. I honestly say this, i would kill myself. In the light of this, i decided to get tested today for HIV. The bubble popped, it is amazing to think that this monday i will finally know. This monday, not the next, in a week from now everything will be different. It could be different for the worst, or it could be for the best. But I hope it is for the best. It is a change that will change ME completely. If it were for me, i could go on living in the limbo, but if living in the limbo makes me hurt this special person, then this will not happen. All i feel now is fear, not absolute fear or fear of dying, but fear that when i see the positive word on a piece of paper, my life will be totally different. I woudlnt be able to blow myself another bubble of protection. I will be in the open, alone. I will be vulnerable to a truth that hides inside my body. I could never just feel i am OK, i would have to smoke tons of weed. I would feel that i let down everybody. Not myself, i always knew i might be possitive, but everybody else, the people whom i trully care about and they for me. Could my father and mother accept the fact that i did nothing about it three years ago? could they undestand that i was a coward? Would they love me if they knew i may have killed five people?. No, i have no intention of telling them the details of my story. I will have to keep on lying, to protect myself and to protect them. I will have to tell my girlfriend, and i already know this incredible thing we feel together will be over. If i cannot accept myself this way then why would she?. How can i accept i have HIV so she can accept me?. But if it is negative, joy to the world!! maybe i am negative, right?. Maybe i should just die if im not. Nobody could guess it, nobody knows. a car accident against a tree without a seatbelt. I think about this alot. Ever since i think i have HIV i think about suicide. But again, maybe i am negative, and i could feel i lost 4 years of my life in a unfounded and irrational fear. But there are so many mabyes in the world!. All i know is that i have five days to feel i am negative. I have five preciouse days of uncertainty. And then, its the tough road or the love road. i guess its just bring it on!. Love, or death. How could my girl love me knowing i could do so much harm to her?. Why does this virus exist?. Why arent we in the seventies, with big orgies free for all orgies and baby booms? why do i find finally find love, the only real love ive known, to just throw it away into obscurity?. Im used to beeing alone, but beeing alone after feeling somebody love me as she does for the first time in my life?. Its so hard for me to think of this. Its mindblowingly painfull. I think i dont have to think about it. Just forget you experienced such bliss, that you where so happy. Forget it to survive, or remember it so close to you and let it be the last thing you remember. forget those eyes looking at you as if it where the first eyes yould ever seen, and let them be somebody elses. Let her go, she will get over it, she doesnt have to know. She will hate me, but she doesnt have to know. But i cant, because i am in love and i will fight for her even if that means fighting against myself. But how then?, how can you be with her if you are positive? hate yourself for putting yourself in this situation. hate yourself for lying and lying to yourself. Hate yourself because if you would have had the guts to take the test then you would have probably never been with her. The so called normal life you wanted made you fall from higher grounds, it makes you hit the floor and not die, but die slowly knowing what you missed. it makes you have so much sadness inside. But there it is, you wanted it that way, you made it this way. You prefered to reach the heavens just for a moment. just a little piece of heaven, so i know what it feels like. please, let me find this heaven again, let me stay there!! let me see those eyes and know i cant make them shut forever!! because, what else is there that means this much to me now?. what else makes me want to tear my face of than the thought of loosing you this way. I guess i just can keep on going, going and going and going. with a little microscopic piece of information that wants only to replicate, and replicate, and replicate. It is just biology, isnt it?. all the rest is mind structure, society, thoughts, feelings of a biological machine that means no less or more than the billions of other ones in our physical space. Thats what we do, we are born, we gain mass, we function, we make someone else be born, we cease to function. we just... cease to function. the community we call a body collapses and forms into another community. That is all in the end, what love?, what feelings?. i know them but they dont know me, they dont know i am unable to bare them if it is not with whom i want to bare them with. I think i am in worst shape than when i started wrighting, i realized how much i can loose, baby, dont let me loose you because i will loose myself. i need you to help me through the tough road. I need you to say it will all be all right, maybe you dont love yourself, but I love you. but then again, may it can all be just my imagination?. Yes. will you actually be falling from higher than what you think?. Yes. Do you realize what will happen when you hit the ground? Yes. Can you bare it? i hope. Will others bare it with you? i hope. will she bare it with you?.

[Matty the Damned]

Javier,

Unless you have been formally diagnosed with HIV (ie you've received a confirmed positive test result) you are not permitted to post in this forum.

Please read the Welcome Thread.

MtD

[javier]

thank you for reading my story, i think this is not the forum for me but i will be here for a lot longer in seek of help and wisdom if my test turns out positive

chao

[javier]

Javier,

Unless you have been formally diagnosed with HIV (ie you've received a confirmed positive test result) you are not permitted to post in this forum.

Please read the Welcome Thread.

MtD

i am sorry about this 

[xyahka]

Hola Javi

Bienvenido a los foros de Poz, veo que ya te topaste con una de las reglas jejeje Espero comprendas que las reglas son solo para hacer del foro un sitio más agradable para todos Con el tiempo te acostumbras jejeje.

No leí todo tu post (para no tener un "buen" inglés como escribiste al comienzo de tu post... eres muy elocuente en otro idioma jejejeje). En todo caso, te queria invitar a que si el inglés no es tu primer idioma talvez deses escribir tus siguientes comentarios en el foro "¿Estoy infectado?" http://forums.poz.com/index.php?board=25.0

Ese es un foro en español en el cual puedes exponer tus dudas y uno de los moderadores te daran sus opiniones. El foro de Vivir con VIH es como ya te explicó Matty para los que hemos sido diagnosticados oficialmente como VIH+. Bueno, espero que te animes a seguir escribiendo. Un fuerte abrazo.

Juan Carlos

[Ann]

javier,

I've moved your thread from the I Just Tested Poz to the Am I Infected forum, which is the ONLY place you should post until you are confirmed hiv positive.

The ONLY thing you report that was a risk for hiv infection is the unprotected intercourse. However, you need to know that hiv is a fragile, difficult to transmit virus and more so from a woman to a man. You have an excellent chance of testing hiv negative.

As long as you have tested three months or more past your last incident of unprotected intercourse, your result will be conclusive.

And please, break your posts up into paragraphs. Your first post was VERY difficult to read.

Ann

[Andy Velez]

Javier, I have already answered your thread in the Spanish section, but I will do it again here.

Here are the main points again:

Some of the incidents you are concerned about were partially protected until the condoms broke. Those without a condom of course are higher risk. HIV is a fragile virus. It's more difficult to transmit from female to male. That's in your favor. It's not clear to me as to when the last time you had a broken condom happened. Just so that you know, to have a reliable answer about your HIV status the test needs to be at 13 weeks past the most recent incident.

In terms of the future you need to learn from this experience. Mixing excessive drinking and casual sex is a very dangerous combination. You are the person who is responsible for your own health. You can have sex with as many partners as you like as long as you do it the safer way. That means always, without exception, using a condom. Don't bother with apologies and excuses. Just keep those condoms handy and use them everytime!

With this new person whom you are excited about -- even assuming you test negative, you should still continue to use condoms if you are having intercourse. The only time you can safely stop using condoms is when both partners agree to be monogamous and test negative together. Otherwise a condom is a must.

Good luck with your test result and keep us posted.

Cheers,