Disclosure

[Stone]

My brother has finally gotten back into dating after the death of his partner and has found someone he is very much interested in.  The problem is that he is so afraid to disclose that he freezes up when he attempts to do so.  I have provided encouragement, offered to be there as silent support when he does it, and made sure that he has the correct info i.e. risk of transmission (small) and the existence of PEP if there was an accident with a condom.  I have told him that when he does disclose he needs to just say it matter of fact and not act like it is the end of the world.  I have told him that maybe it would be easier to disclose using the hit and run method i.e. disclose and get the hell out. I have told him that if this guy can't deal it doesn't say anything about this guy, my brother, or my brothers future dating prospects. That it just means this particular guy can't deal. He claims to understand this. I think this guy can be trusted not to run his mouth regardless of the outcome of the relationship and my brother agrees.  Still can't do it.  I am afraid that if he waits too much longer this thing is going to tank not because of HIV but because of the lack of honesty.

Anyone willing to share how you handle disclosure or how you have been disclosed to?

[marcmoral16]

Hi Stone,


Disclosure has to be when he is comfortable, he has to be strong and firm in it because he wants to show his partner that he is confident when telling him all this stuff.

I fully disclosed through just sitting down and having a normal conversation. I didnt have anyone there as not to distract me. Telling the person will be a great relief but the person if they are really into your brother regardless will listen and understand. People are very understanding, as long as he discloses before sexual activities then he got this 

[mecch]

You are a lovely brother/sister for thinking and doing all that.   
Your brother will learn his way, through trial and error.  Hopefully not too much of either.  Maybe this is the first one and we'll see how this goes.. Hopefully well.

[Stone]

Thank you both for your replys.  In my head I know that I need to just sit on my hands and let him find his way.  My heart is the problem.  It has taken him 7 years to even get to this point and I am scared that if this doesn't go well he will be crushed and be too scared to try again.  He has been with this guy for almost two months and has made some less than honest statements in an attempt to keep his secret.  I fear that when the truth finally comes out this guy is going to be really pissed and tell him to go chase himself.  I also worry about the stress and energy involved with keeping the secret.  Having never been in this particular situation I don't have anything to give him that is of any benefit so I guess I just need to let my head take the lead on this one.  Thank you both again!

[Joe K]

... Having never been in this particular situation I don't have anything to give him that is of any benefit...

You have already given him something, by supporting him in these difficult times.  Never underestimate the power of simply "being there" for someone.  Many times, it's not what you do or say so much, it's your continued support that will allow him to explore, knowing there are safe havens from those stormy skies.

Joe