Sometimes the anger just comes out!!!

[Peter6836]

I think I have been dealing with the HIV AIDS thing pretty well. I see my doctor regularly, I have disclosed to my family and accept and enjoy their support. I go to work daily and deal with my side affects. I even plan for the future.
BUT I do get angry sometimes. My friend lives with me so that I am not alone he was sick the other day and I took him to the doctor. Right away the doctor started the gay thing. Two men together we need to do HIV tests what is you sex life like. ect. ect. I know he was doing his job but it is just aggravating. I told him that HIV was my problem not my friends who is negative.
Our neighbors like to call us boys. Now I am 52 have raised 4 children was married for 20 yrs have a masters degree and I am not a boy.
I just get tired of all the keeping quiet about everything. Everyone is coming to their own conclusions even if I do not say anything about my situation. I feel like these innuenduos tell me that they are creating thier own stories anyway.
SOOOOOOOOOO our new neighbor who likes to call us boys asks us over the other night out of the blue. I already took my sustiva and was a bit overwhelmed from a series of events. Yeah I think too much sometimes. I had a couple of drinks and when we sat down it just came out. Yeah were gay yeah I have aids yeah the county health department wants me to wear a red triangle. Oh yeah I was a smart ass. Drug myself back home and now I feel bad for being so angry. I did not hurt anyone I was just a bit upset with peoples ignorance and lack of empathy Both of these people were telling me how they want to help people. He is working on a degree in psychology and she works in a hospital. Kept saying they want to help people yet sounded so insincere about it.
I know I am overreacting. I am just frustrated sometimes. Dealing with all of this in silence seems wrong. Why should I continue to pretend. I lived too long in a closet, hiding from myself and others.
I do not want to alieante people with my honesty but I am tired of lying through silence.
I know I am angry about the unfairness of life. I guess I just need someone to tell me that it is OK to be angry. Some one tell me I am justified and not a bad person.
Peter

[Dan J.]

Peter it is OK to be angry & it's OK to vent your feelings. No your not a a boy, but an a man that has accomplished quite a bit in his life. & you should be proud of those accomplishments. It's up to US to inform the uneducated people around us that we are living breathing human beings with real feelings & emotions. Just because we are gay or hiv + doesn't make us any less of a man than a staight HIV- person. Let people make their own conclusions, no matter what that's what they are going to do anyway. You know what kind of man you are, your children know the father you are to them.  Let people think whatever they want. YOU KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT YOURSELF!

 

Dan

[Life]

Peter,  I think we can pretty much plan on being "listed" as a Minority in the eyes of a healthier sort for awhile longer.   Does this mean anything?  Sure it does...   Socially, economically and just plain old feeling a part of a bigger whole.    When we became positive, things changed...   Do you have to like it??   I can see, you do not...  So, with that PHD and life experiences, maybe, just maybe you can make a difference in the people you interact with.    Sounds to me, your doing that.   I hate being patronized or friends saying things like,  gosh i am so sorry and how can I help?   You can help by just being the person I knew before...    I plan on outliving all of you (my friends), and making my life count for somethin...  What that something is, well, I am not sure just yet...

Eric

 

[DanielMark]

Peter,

What a great post! You give me hope.

It took courage for you to tell those people of your reality, and I concur wholeheartedly with what Dan J wrote. People will think what they want, but you know who you are regardless. And isn’t that what really matters in the end?

Yes, Peter, you are not only a man, but a man of character and courage in my eyes. Anger is nothing but a feeling, and I’d say you expressed yours extremely well in this situation.

At the risk of coming off as schmaltzy, here are the words to one of my favourite songs by one of my favourite song writers. Your post made me think of them. Although it was written about Matthew Shepard who was murdered in Wyoming for being Gay, I think the chorus especially fits.

MATTHEW
(Janis Ian)

Footsteps on gravel at the neighbourhood bar
Things start to unravel, then they go too far
The sound of pain written on the wind
Fades to grey and then goes dim

A boy is tied to a barbed wire fence
For the crows to ride and the claws to clench
For the sweet bouquet of blood and bone
To undermine the scent of collegiate cologne

What makes a man a man
The cut of a coat, the hint of a tan
It’s not who you love, but whether you can
What makes a man a man

Who did he harm, what was the crime
Did he walk too lightly, did he seem too shy
Did he make them wonder deep inside
Did they feel like real men when he died

Did the waning moon look down on high
Did the twinkling stars try to catch his eye
Did the wind caress his flesh and bone
Did they leave him there to die alone

What makes a man a man
The cut of a coat, the hint of a tan
It’s not who you love, but whether you can
What makes a man a man

Now the stars are nailed to an empty sky
The moon is pinned like a butterfly
And I’m afraid to shine too bright
Since the day they took his life

So mothers, teach your children this
Don’t overreach, don’t run the risk
Hide in the shadows, don’t expect
Your good heart to save your neck

What makes a man a man
The cut of a coat, the hint of a tan
It’s not who you love, but whether you can
That makes a man a man

Daniel

[BT65]

Wow, what a song!  Those lyrics almost made me cry.
Peter-
  You had a right to be angry.  I hate it when people try to act like they care when they really don't and just want to "save face."  I hope you're feeling better.  Take care of yourself.
Peace-
Betty

[Iggy]

Sally Bowles screaming under the elevated train comes to mind.

I say fucking congratulations that you let it all out at the dinner - probably gave the neighbors quite the thrill to be aghast at something over what was previously thought of as just a polite quiet dinner with the neighbors.

If you start getting more invites then you know you are a much need shot of reality in their arms and consider it an alternative to paying for therapy...hell you get free food to boot!

Joking aside (and I'm really not above) It sounds like it was long overdue and I'm glad it happened - as embarrassed as you may be - I think it's a lot better than having a heart attack or just having a break down with drugs or something.

Now go sit on in the front door with a drink and start yelling at the neighborhood children to keep up appearances

[anniebc]

What makes a man a man
The cut of a coat, the hint of a tan
It's not who you love, but whether you can
That makes a man a man

I think those few lines pretty much say it all.

We can't control what others think or say about us, as long as we know who we are then we should feel good about ourselves, and you certainly have a lot to be proud of..who gives a rat's ass what others think,  I don't think you need to feel embarrassed about who you are or how you feel and yes, it is OK to be angry.

Hugs
Jan

[mjmel]

My 2 cents:
Damn right it's OK to be angry. It's even healthy. Have you ever had anger drive you to finally get something done? A great motivator.
Now, having done this say, I do not recommend a steady diet.
Another words, you know what you are doing, Peter. The shock value alone was priceless.
 
Mike

[DanielMark]

Wow, what a song!  Those lyrics almost made me cry.

Betty and Jan,

You can listen to a short preview of the blues song “Matthew” here:

http://www.mp3.com/albums/620904/summary.html

Daniel