POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: tendai on June 02, 2006, 04:49:43 am
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i know this disclosure thing has been discussed over and over and over but i broke up with my boyfriend a few weeks back. so there's this ex of mine who wants to come back in my life. so with my most recent ex it was easier for me to tell him coz he was someone totally new and if he could not handle it then i'd just move on. so this guy who wants to come back we had a relationship (of sorts) and i think i may find it impossible to tell him i have HIV. i am almost definite that i will be unable to tell him. so i'm thinking if i just keep quiet and dont tell him and if we do get to have sex i know he'll be so careful as he always has been . i just dont think i bring myself to tell him or anyone that i know. its easier to disclose to strangers coz u've never seen them before and u might never see them again, but with someone who i've known before... its embarrassing and i dont think i'll be able to handle a negative reaction, so i'm thinking why risk it?
btw, i think i got piles and i think they're a bit worse than shingles when it comes to discomfort, the only good thing is noone can see them, i just hope i'm walking properly..
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The only issue with that is that some states consider it a crime to not disclose to sexual partners even if a condom is used and even if the virus is not transmitted. Charges such as reckless endangerment, attempted murder, and voluntary manslaughter are not what one wants to have on his record or conscience. It is ultimately your decision, but it would be more respectful of him to tell him before anything sexual happens. You don't have to tell him right off the bat, but if things start to turn sexual, wouldn't you want to know if you were in his shoes?
Just my $1.50. :) Best of luck either way.
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How much can you love and respect someone with whom you base your relationship on a lie of omission? How much can you love and respect yourself?
It baffles me that anyone expects to construct a reality on a framework of fiction. Please be true to your heart, and to your soul. Disclose.
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I think being that he is your ex and you already know each other to a degree, + having in mind to revamp your relationship, it would be sensible to be honest with him before going into any kind of sexual activity. Saving it for another time (especially after having sex with him) might fireback on you.
hope all goes well,
mark
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Tendai, I think you knew the right answer before you even posted. We have just confirmed it for you.
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How much can you love and respect someone with whom you base your relationship on a lie of omission? How much can you love and respect yourself?
It baffles me that anyone expects to construct a reality on a framework of fiction. Please be true to your heart, and to your soul. Disclose.
I almost always have something original to say here, but when someone like Jonathan comes up with my very thoughts, I am afraid my duplicating it would only be boring and un-inspired. However, I have a long time reputation of standing by the mantra that if we live through lies, we will die through lies. If we cannot be truthful with ourselves, how in the hell is anything we touch going to come out with any joy or clarity.
I don't want to pick on you here, but if you create a relationship based on omission, or lies, it will surely fail. So, why do it?
In Love.
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Tendai,
I was in a relationship where my boyfriend did not disclose to me his + status. I found out through a third party. I am angered that he did not give me the chance, or opportunity to choose if I wanted to be involved with someone who was +. But, I also recognize that I had a responsibility to protect myself, which I failed at, so I don't view contracting hiv as "his fault", but I would have liked to have had all of the truth. I do agree with some of the other posters, if you go into a relationship which is not based on truth, and mutual respect it probably won't turn out the way you want it to.
If he is a person who wants to be with you, and respects your life, he will stick around regardless of hiv.
Christine
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Disclose..Honesty is power.
Disclosing is tough the first few times but then it gets easier and easier and easier.
At least, that i my experience
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Definitely agree with the folks above me. Come clean. The guilt and looking over your shoulder will kill whatever chance at a healthy relationship you might have.
PS LOVE THE SPELL CHECK!!!!
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Tendai,
disclose before the sex starts. I also agree with what Jonathan said as well.
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thanks guys. i had considered telling him via e-mail then i thought what the hell chances are that he will run so fast when i tell him so i shouldnt bother telling him. so i've decided to let it go, i wont reestablish a relationship with him, i'll give him some excuse not to see him again. think i'll jsut go out with poz guys but they will have to tell me first about their status. i dont know what century will be when i finally meet someone like that. seems hiv isnt as common as we would like to think..
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gal friend sure you might be more comfortable dating a +ve partner because your in the same situation but truth be told its about finding someone that genuinley loves you, has no issues and is for real whether +ve or -ve. Trust me ive tried dating +ve guys simply coz i thot maybe things would work out better since we were in the same situation but at the end of the day were no more different to other people when it comes to our emotions and needs. So my advice to you is take your time if you meet someone that you truely feel might be the one and the feeling is mutual then be open about your status coz love conquers all HIV is not a PROBLEM but a challenge and all it takes is somebody that fully comprehends the disease. I was open about my status with my patner from the beginning he is -ve and in my case i believe love over came the challenge and were taking each day as it comes. Im so at peace with myself.