Author Topic: If you weren't HIV+ (Read 8018 times)

jack · « **on:** June 06, 2007, 06:08:17 pm »

How would you be living your life differently or would there be no difference?

RapidRod · « **Reply #1 on:** June 06, 2007, 06:18:22 pm »

I would be working a 60 - 70 hour a week job.

GSOgymrat · « **Reply #2 on:** June 06, 2007, 06:22:28 pm »

I would have more disposable income because I wouldn't have spent so much money on labs and medications plus I would have contributed more to my 401K back in my 20s and 30s.

puertorico2006 · « **Reply #3 on:** June 06, 2007, 07:46:07 pm »

for me at this point i dont think there would be much difference....

Well maybe if i wasnt HIV+ id be addicted to drugs still and having lots of unprotected sex, which would probably lead to the same results (unless i know what i didnt didnt know then)

CaptCarl · « **Reply #4 on:** June 06, 2007, 08:19:23 pm »

It's kinda hard for me to imagine. So much so that I find conjecture impossible as it has been 19 years. So long that I don't even remember too well what life was like when I was negative.

Capt.Carl

Jean-Yves · « **Reply #5 on:** June 06, 2007, 08:35:06 pm »

My life has been defined more by the back injury for which I went on SSDI, than the HIV+ which I was continueing to work with.
Jean-Yves

antibody · « **Reply #6 on:** June 06, 2007, 08:45:03 pm »

most likely sleeping around and doing drugs, drinking, smoke and staying out all night.
i guess it's for the best i found out i was positive cause now i don't drink or smoke and i haven't been up past midnight in like 5 years.

Iggy · « **Reply #7 on:** June 06, 2007, 10:55:01 pm »

Do you mean if I never had HIV or if there was a cure and I was now free of HIV?

Honestly it would be just speculation in either scenario but I hope that there is a possibility for me to be able to answer that question some day based of of the latter.

Life · « **Reply #8 on:** June 06, 2007, 11:14:21 pm »

I woulda just cought something else....

Carolann · « **Reply #9 on:** June 07, 2007, 12:31:11 am »

My late husband would still be cheating on me on the downlow. Hopefully, I would find out about it before the infection, and we could go our separate ways, though I did love him so (perhaps I am the eternal fag hag), just call me Liza. Nowadays, I am thankful that I am still relatively healthy. I still have a great job with plenty of vacation. I think that HIV has helped me enjoy life more. More travelling, enjoying nature, family, and smelling the roses are all things I am trying to do because who knows what tomorrow may bring with such a backstabbing bugger of a virus. Anyway I am one of the lucky ones. My life goes on, even with a painful past, I look forward to a bright future.

CA

Longislander · « **Reply #10 on:** June 07, 2007, 12:37:56 am »

A bit less stressful, and there'd be a lot more boy-kissing!

pozattitude · « **Reply #11 on:** June 07, 2007, 12:57:44 am »

I think that main difference besides the obvious health issue would be that I would not have the job I have now.
I would probably be working on a second or third PhD and working for a non for profit org making no money trying to help people who really need it.
HIV made me get a corporate job so I can have a relative good health insurance.

northernguy · « **Reply #12 on:** June 07, 2007, 02:06:06 am »

I wouldn't feel like I have this anvil hanging over my head, just waiting to smack me down. I wouldn't feel terrified to switch jobs. So many " I wouldn't feels..."

milker · « **Reply #13 on:** June 07, 2007, 02:16:13 am »

I would be posting on neg.com

Milker.

Ann · « **Reply #14 on:** June 07, 2007, 05:39:35 am »

I'd like to think that the painting and decorating company I started would be giving me a very comfortable living and that I'd also be providing jobs for a few people and they'd be making a comfortable living too.

After my diagnosis, I was advised to quit working daily with the potentially toxic materials that are part and parcel of the job. (I'm a time-served, fully qualified painter and decorator) I was fairly newly qualified when I started my company - Rainbow Rooms - and I catered to women, disabled people and the elderly, people who might prefer a woman working in their homes. I always worked with my clients to provide them with quality at a price they could afford.

Ah, but who knows. I'm content with my life as it is now and although I don't have a "real job", I like to think I'm still a person who makes a valuable contribution to society.

Ann

randym431 · « **Reply #15 on:** June 07, 2007, 08:49:37 am »

Good question Jack.
I'd probably still think this is something "others" get, not me. I never ever had an STD of any kind, so why the "mother of all", first time off???
And... I'd still be one of those that never need to see a doctor. No pills, no tests, no co pays.
ps.. And, if I'd just had gotten those powerball lotto numbers right.

But such if life. If I wasnt pos, instead of going to that doctor appt, I'd maybe be driving around somewhere else and hit head on by a drunk driver. Hard to tell...

woodshere · « **Reply #16 on:** June 07, 2007, 09:30:46 am »

Quote from: randym431 on June 07, 2007, 08:49:37 am

I'd probably still think this is something "others" get, not me. I never ever had an STD of any kind, so why the "mother of all", first time off???
And... I'd still be one of those that never need to see a doctor. No pills, no tests, no co pays.

ditto for me also. If I were neg instead of pos, I wouldn't be addicted to the forums, I wouldn't have met alot of great people, I wouldn't be as focused on life and I wouldn't be having as much sex. (yes I have more now, than I did...go figure)

Woods

cmhjeff · « **Reply #17 on:** June 07, 2007, 10:17:54 am »

Sad but true I'm with Eric on this one. I slept around so much to fulfill my need of being wanted that I'd probably just have gotten something else. Taking it one step further if it wasn't for PML I'd probably be dead due to drug use. So I guess it's not all that bad cause I'm in a 10 year relationship and I'm coke free for over 2 years.

jack · « **Reply #18 on:** June 07, 2007, 11:36:55 am »

I would probably have been comfortably retired several years ago, probably divorced,probably chasing everything with two legs(including artificial limbs),my kids would hate me,and I would be playing golf today. Of course that is if I was still alive which is doubtful, cause I dont know if I would have had the strength to quit drinking if I wasnt HIV+. Its how I made money, I entertained people and took care of their every desire. I would be the same selfish sack of shit I was before I discovered I was HIV.
Dont get me wrong, I hate having being HIV, but it has led to some positive changes in my life.
I apologize for the question, because we all know living in the past and dreaming about what might have been is just a waste of life and time, but I still do it anyways.

CaptCarl · « **Reply #19 on:** June 07, 2007, 11:50:39 am »

Jack,
I think that you did bring up a valid question, and it is one that I do think about from time to time. And I always come to the same conclusion that I posted earlier. Besides, isn't dreaming about what might have been something that we all do regardless of our HIV status? I too think that there are a lot of positive things (no pun intended) that have happened in my life due to being HIV positive, and I like to think that it made me a better person than I might otherwise have become. Though that could just be self delusion. I can safely say though, that our experiences in life mold who we are at any given moment, and that I'm actually pretty content with who I am. Subsequently, I don't often find myself being angry about the virus. Now the cancer on the other hand....

Quote from: milker on June 07, 2007, 02:16:13 am

I would be posting on neg.com

Milker.

LOL

Queen Tokelove · « **Reply #20 on:** June 07, 2007, 12:24:06 pm »

I would be working instead of on disability....I would be able to treat myself to a shopping spree..I would more than likely have a bf instead of wishing for one...I'd still be smoking the good green but prolly not as much...

bear60 · « **Reply #21 on:** June 07, 2007, 01:16:14 pm »

I wasted 5 to 10 years thinking I would die an early death.
I did not bother to save for retirement.
I did not make repairs to the house because I thought I would be forced to sell it.
I did not pursue a second career because I felt it was too late.
I buried all my friends and am lonely.
I cant move to another state because of my partners HIV status. He is tied into disability, health care providers and insurance here.
Resulting in feeling "trapped".
Have a nice day.

pozattitude · « **Reply #22 on:** June 07, 2007, 01:31:36 pm »

Quote from: bear60 on June 07, 2007, 01:16:14 pm

I wasted 5 to 10 years thinking I would die an early death.
I did not pursue a second career because I felt it was too late.

Resulting in feeling "trapped".
Have a nice day.

I know the feeling. I feel like I wasted 10yrs of my life because I felt I was going to die young. I didn't persue the career I wanted because I felt I didn't have enough time left and because I thought I couldn't became a chef like I wanted due to HIV. I didn't change jobs because I was afraid of not having health insurance.
Looking at what I just wrote I realize I've been controlled by fear for the past 10yrs.

bear60 · « **Reply #23 on:** June 07, 2007, 01:49:10 pm »

" Looking at what I just wrote I realize I've been controlled by fear for the past 10yrs." quote pozattitude

It's a pretty horrible realization isn't it. Look what I did to myself! If only I had not let fear dominate my life.!!!!!
Have a blessed day.

woodshere · « **Reply #24 on:** June 07, 2007, 02:11:03 pm »

Quote from: jack on June 07, 2007, 11:36:55 am

I apologize for the question, because we all know living in the past and dreaming about what might have been is just a waste of life and time, but I still do it anyways.

No need to apologize because I think we all do it. I don't think it is a waste of time to reflect, to dwell on the past is a waste. Even though I have made so many mistakes and bad choices in my life to think about what I would have done differently is definitely not worth it. Those mistakes and bad choices have brought me to this point in my life and made me the person I am. Both of which I am pretty pleased with.

edited due to the fact I am such a poor speller and forgot to spell check.

jack · « **Reply #25 on:** June 07, 2007, 03:03:28 pm »

what were we supposed to do? When you are told you have two years to live,tops,and all the healthcare system can do is maybe ease the pain,you change your lifestyle accordingly. And then after a few years you realize you might not die but you are gonna look different and feel like shit all the time,that changes your lifestyle and now finally the meds become less toxic and you know you arent gonna die from HIV but your life is fucked because you were operating the past 20 years with bad intel(sounds like our govt) and look like Quasimodo.
Its almost as if I have been out of circulation or stranded on some island the past 20 years when I compare my success and what I have achieved to those I used to compete with. I made up my mind about a year ago, I am gonna do my best or die trying to catch up. There is nothing else,everything else is bullshit. I am attempting to concentrate on doing my best everyday and see where I end up when the dust clears. In life the turtle often beats the rabbit in the end. I am the fucking turtle. Pass the Nyquil

CaptCarl · « **Reply #26 on:** June 07, 2007, 04:06:22 pm »

Quote from: jack on June 07, 2007, 03:03:28 pm

what were we supposed to do? When you are told you have two years to live,tops,and all the healthcare system can do is maybe ease the pain,you change your lifestyle accordingly. And then after a few years you realize you might not die but you are gonna look different and feel like shit all the time,that changes your lifestyle and now finally the meds become less toxic and you know you aren't gonna die from HIV but your life is fucked because you were operating the past 20 years with bad intel(sounds like our govt) and look like Quasimodo.

Jack,
You nailed that one right on the head! I guess that I came to the same realization about 4 or 5 years ago that you did last year. I don't have quite as competitive an edge as you seem to, but I did decide to make changes nonetheless. I decided that I just wanted to minimize the regrets that having this virus can cause. I began reading things like the Tao, and concentrating on enjoying what life has to offer. To learn the art of being content. By and large, I feel that I have achieved those goals. I got more than I was looking for as well: A partner with whom to share things. A job that is enjoyable and stress free. An old car to play around with, and hopefully soon, I'll be buying my first house, something I would never have dreamed I would be able to do. I wish you the best of luck in getting back into the swing of things, and the achievement of the goals you have set for yourself. Pursue your goals with the same vigor that you fight the virus with, and you can't loose....

Much luck, Capt.Carl

Jerry71 · « **Reply #27 on:** June 07, 2007, 06:23:52 pm »

I would be working still at a hotel in Myrtle Beach making good money. Instead staying home and living beside of my parents and taking meds for the rest of my life.

livingpositively · « **Reply #28 on:** June 07, 2007, 10:06:55 pm »

If you weren't HIV+

But ya are, Blanche, ya are...

Couldn't resist it, what with all the Turner Classic Movies and such.

Miss Philicia · « **Reply #29 on:** June 07, 2007, 10:29:05 pm »

Quote from: jack on June 07, 2007, 03:03:28 pm

Its almost as if I have been out of circulation or stranded on some island the past 20 years when I compare my success and what I have achieved to those I used to compete with.

That's exactly why I've not answered yet. I don't want to spend the rest of the night festering in this thread.

I gave up two separate lucrative jobs during rough patches back when I lived in NYC. I'd surely be making a nice six figure income now instead of on disability.

It reeks.

carousel · « **Reply #30 on:** June 08, 2007, 05:03:11 am »

I'd be going out clubbing, taking drugs and shagging with no protection.

I'd be on my way to HIV World.

Cliff · « **Reply #31 on:** June 08, 2007, 06:04:21 am »

I probably wouldn't have met Will. I would be living in Houston; probably still at the accounting firm, waiting in the pipeline for partnership.

But I did meet Will (and am very thankful for that). I am positive. I moved to the Big Apple and then to Europe. I've finally learned that there more things to life than work, promotions and bonuses. All in all, I've got no serious complaints. I'm relatively healthy, have access to meds (when I need them) and have access to good care (doctors/nurses).

Being positive has resulted in some positive consequences (for me). Though it would have been nice for me to see that life changes, without the aid of HIV, is not all that scary. I'm certain the "good" times won't last, so I'm gonna try to take advantage of it for as long as I can.

Cliff

DanielMark · « **Reply #32 on:** June 08, 2007, 06:19:28 am »

Interesting thread.

I wouldn't have taken early retirement (on advisement) and I wouldn't have gone through so many personal changes as soon or as profoundly. I wouldn’t have sorted out the things that really matter from the rubbish either. I might not have learned the value of time and not to take one second of it for granted. I wouldn’t have examined my life as much and I’d likely be dead from something else by now.

Am I glad I got infected? Hell no. Am I a better person than I was? I believe I am.

Daniel

sweetasmeli · « **Reply #33 on:** June 08, 2007, 06:54:48 am »

On a good day I say:
I wouldn't be caring about and watching my health as closely as I do now. Which is important.
I wouldn't have such clarity to prioritize stuff in my life the way I do now. Which is essential.
And I probably wouldn't have half the fabulous friends as I have now. Which is priceless.

On a so-so day I say:
Life would be much less complex. And I sigh a lot. But I still just get on with it.

On a bad day I say:
Mother*&FR^%U&*GYGdammit!!!!!! Anyone and everyone annoying just F off. And bring on the chocolate!

Most days are good days. I have more than a few so-so days. Today is a rare bad day.

So...watch out tourists...and bring on the chocolate!!!

Melia

englishgirl · « **Reply #34 on:** June 08, 2007, 03:32:55 pm »

if i hadnt contracted and had hellish seroconversion, then i couldnt have told my then bf that he was infected, and he wouldnt have gotten tested and gotten put straight on meds cos he had zero cd4 left. so i guess i saved him from hospitalisation. also him being diagnosed meant that he stopped shagging around so ive stopped him from passing it on to anyone else. all that i feel good about. pity he didnt believe the girl who told him she'd contracted from him 6 months before, but no use crying over spilt milk.

other good stuff:
hiv has stopped me from being so depressed and wishing i was dead - after nearly 30 years of misery that was a nice change!
hiv has meant ive met some great people
hiv has meant ive been able to educate some people
hiv has made me more driven be be happy and succeed in my life

bad stuff:
i smoke more (and im really worried about getting lung cancer)
i get dumped more (and i dont know if its cos of me or cos of the disease)
i feel even more guilty about living in a first world country with free healthcare
i know what im probably gonna die from. which is a pandoras box i never really wanted to be opened (personally im still hoping for a massive heart attack in my sleep)
im sometimes v fatigued from awful nightsweats and this has caused me attendance probs at work, which has been v scary

on the whole i think/hope this has made me a better person, which is a really vomit inducing thing to say but it's true. not that i was that awful before (i hope!) but i do like to think its made me happier and a bit nicer

and milker i love you!!!

megasept · « **Reply #35 on:** June 08, 2007, 03:55:53 pm »

Quote from: jack on June 06, 2007, 06:08:17 pm

How would you be living your life differently or would there be no difference?

The Good:

If I didn't have HIV I'd be terribly worried about..."GETTING HIV."

If I didn't have HIV I might identify less with courageous dynamic people whose bodies fail them, but who stay involved instead of totally retreating.

If I didn't have HIV I would have seen a little less hypocrisy around me.

If I didn't have HIV I might have a little less courage standing up to injustice (and being willing to pay the consequences---which is what counts).

If I didn't have HIV I wouldn't be able to encourage newly POZ, or even my Parent's friend with ALS, who might feel life is hopeless.

The Bad:

If I didn't have HIV my various bone problems might be less acute or non-existent at my age.

If I didn't have HIV I wouldn't worry each time I go for new employment.

If I didn't have HIV I'd have greater savings; I might feel less urgency to earn a ton of money to stick in the mattress.

If I didn't have HIV I'd worry less about having an industrial accident and spraying my coworkers with my blood, or disclosing to a kind rescuer and losing my privacy.

If I didn't have HIV I wouldn't have one more thing to deal with regarding...
sex

and dating

.

FINALLY:

If I didn't have HIV I wouldn't have realized to what extent life with an illness is...is so like life in general. Nearly the same huge list of choices, nearly the same list of challenges.

-megasept

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Author Topic: If you weren't HIV+ (Read 8018 times)