POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Pre-HAART Long-Term Survivors => Topic started by: wolfter on October 09, 2013, 06:59:28 am
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I made the mistake of pulling out an old scrap book this morning. I was thinking about the other Greg who lived to be 29. The obits that I reviewed showed many friends who died so young.
I guess I'm just dealing with a bout of survivor's guilt wondering why I was worthy to remain while others weren't. There are obviously no answers, just needed to express my sentiments and feelings.
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Hey Wolfter,
Thanks for your honest and touching post. One of the realities of being a LTS is dealing with survivor's guilt every now and then. Who knows why the cosmic roll of the dice worked out in our favor in this respect. It's worthwhile recognizing and holding our sense of loss and regret.
But also remember you already demonstrated your valuable contribution by being here to hold up the memory of those you have lost. I sincerely hope when I am gone I leave a legacy of loving friends who revisit and cherish my memory as you are doing now.
Your great value now is also just being alive and present: a very real and visible reminder to the world of the strength and resilience of all the men and women -- here and gone -- faced with HIV/AIDS. Again, consider yourself fortunate to honor your lost friends in this way.
Just my humble opinion. Wishing you comfort now and strength for the future.
JD
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Thanks Moxie. I was just in a very weird place this morning. I had the most vivid, touching dream last night. I remember it all in such detail even though most of it was not reality.
It was like a scene from one of my favorite movies, where all loved ones gathered once again for a reunion. It was a barn party in Kentucky, but still.... Everybody was there and I felt bad that I had forgotten a few of them. I lost so many close friends that acquaintances hadn't been in my thoughts.
It was even weirder as many from this site were also in attendance. (there's definitely some sluts amongst us). :) I awoke so happy to suddenly be hit with reality.
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Thanks for posting that Greg and once again Moxie comes through with his words and wisdom.
You both have loving friends here and I count myself as one of many.
btw Greg- I hope I was one of those sluts. lol. :)
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Perhaps also mourning loved ones , in a healthy honest way.
It happens to me without the aid of Photo,s
I am as I have bored you all with having a MAJOUR clear out and have come across items / photo,s/Event Posters ect that have left me sitting on a cold basement floor for 2 hours lost in memories that I would hate to loose, even if experiencing then can include feeling wretched.
I do not feel guilty, I can feel very pissedoff that my 57 old body is a pretty robust 78 year old's, I miss the income that my pre AIDS script would off had me on by now, I do not like being in the benefits system, but I do like being alive to be able to dislike all the crap.
None off us should have to add yet another layer off beat ourselves up type feelings with the baggage and history we have , but we do and its important to be clear and honest bout what they are.
So thanks for the post Wolfter and get on with cleaning your squatters pit;
BTW when I was a squatter in 1979 the landlord gave us a reference saying how well we had looked after the place.
Love
michael
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You guys are so sweet. I'm just fortunate to have a place to share these sentiments. After some much needed retail therapy, feeling a little better today.
I guess many of us experience these same processes.
@ Mitchy, you were quite behaved...but oh my...Miss Kenisha was another story. :)
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@ Mitchy, you were quite behaved...but oh my...Miss Kenisha was another story. :)
Figures. ::)
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Figures. ::)
LOL... I tried to have another dream to change your beautiful persona, but to no avail. :)