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Author Topic: Tonite  (Read 4227 times)

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Offline Longislander

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  • Posts: 2,489
Tonite
« on: December 02, 2006, 04:34:12 am »
ok- tonite was my ex's surprise b'day party at a restaurant, 35-40 people there. Good time had, but afterwards some of us went upstairs for drinks. More good times. Then 5 of us went to another bar, Me, my ex, his BF and 2 females friends. We got into a conversation about my ex's work/career. Several things were brought up (the 2 women were left to their own devices throughout this conv.)I learned some things about my ex. We talked about some rough times he went through when we were together. We talked about a career choice he made, and he told me it was a concession he made for me/us at the time. Long story so very much abbreviated, I remembered why I loved this man. I still do and always will. The little things I hadn't realized. I'm so mad at myself right now for leaving him.  I wouldn't be here typing this. He made tears come to my eyes, and I'm not sure he didn't do it on purpose. I had to excuse myself before it got ridiculous! His BF had to sit through this, though I'm not sure he understood all of it and what it meant between me and my ex.

I was able to tell him how I was always proud of him ( his work is very big for him) and still am. And I have always admired him beause I know of his humble beginnings and how hard he's worked.

What does all of this mean? I don't know. But why do I have to go through this?

All I know, is that once the winter weather starts to turn, his convertible Porsche will be in my garage, and I have his full permission to go on dates with it!! Oh to only find a dateable man!!

I think that I have decided he will be the first person I'll tell my status to, and I will ask him to be the executor of my will, whenever I get around to writing one. This is how much I think of him.

Anyway, I wanted to say so much more here, but I just can't put it into words.

OH, and P.S.- The wait staff and all the other diners who were upstairs who could look down at us, voted ME the best dancer of the party!!! ( I won't go into how I know this)lol
infected 10/05 diagnosed 12-05
2/06   379/57000                    6/07 372/30500 25%   4/09 640/U/32% 
5/06   ?? /37000                     8/07 491/55000/24%    9/09 913/U/39%
8/06   349/9500 25%              11/07 515/68000/24     2/10 845/U/38%
9/06   507/16,000 30% !          2/08  516/116k/22%    7/10 906/80/39%
12/06 398/29000 26%             Start Atripla 3/08
3/07   402/80,000 29%            4/08  485/undet!/27
4/07   507/35,000 25%            7/08 625/UD/34%
                                                 11/08 684/U/36%

Offline allopathicholistic

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,258
Re: Tonite
« Reply #1 on: December 02, 2006, 10:52:04 am »
But why do I have to go through this?

Personal growth - That's part of it I would say. As for the rest, well, I don't know. But it all sounds positive (not to be confused with "poz")

You've got a good head on your shoulders Paul. We're here for you honey

Offline poet

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  • Posts: 934
  • Poet living and working in Central Maine
Re: Tonite
« Reply #2 on: December 02, 2006, 07:48:24 pm »
About last night, now, Paul: 'I learned some things about my ex. We talked about some rough times he went through when we were together. We talked about a career choice he made, and he told me it was a concession he made for me/us at the time.  (Is it because you feel, still feel, that you created the 'rough times' that he alone went through?  And the concession he made to keep the two of you together, you can start to forgive yourself because he is the one with a boyfriend- whom you like? dislike?- and it sounds as though he has his career on track, right?  We all make choices and he made one.)

Long story so very much abbreviated, I remembered why I loved this man. I still do and always will. The little things I hadn't realized. I'm so mad at myself right now for leaving him.  I wouldn't be here typing this. He made tears come to my eyes, and I'm not sure he didn't do it on purpose.  (Well perhaps, given that it was his birthday, a day about him, that he did because you never said to him, or have you, what you posted here, that you love him and always will love him.  That you left him and, to him, not necessarily in any of this, to us.  Does he know what is in your heart?)

I was able to tell him how I was always proud of him ( his work is very big for him) and still am. And I have always admired him beause I know of his humble beginnings and how hard he's worked.  (But again, have you been able to tell him what your heart feels?  Not just the pride in his success?  Perhaps that is what he needs to hear from you and can only hear it from you because of your past together?)

What does all of this mean? I don't know. But why do I have to go through this?

Paul, you don't need to reply or spill out anymore unless you feel that it would help you work through this.  I am glad that you have gotten it out, because it's a great start. Best, Win
Winthrop Smith has published three collections of poetry: Ghetto: From The First Five; The Weigh-In: Collected Poems; Skin Check: New York Poems.  The last was published in December 2006.  He has a work-in-progress underway titled Starting Positions.

Offline Longislander

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,489
Re: Tonite
« Reply #3 on: December 02, 2006, 08:35:18 pm »
Thanks Alex, I was thinking it was all good stuff that went on, just didn't change anything tangible.

Win,  Hi, and thanks for responding. I never felt responsible for any rough times he had at work. He and I both know who that person at his workplace was, and we had a few good laughs at her expense last nite. He and I were so far afield regarding our work, that all I could do for him was listen.

The biggest issue in our relationship was a lack of communication. This isn't the first time since we're apart that simple sentences coming out of his mouth, had they been said back then, would have melted me. Back then, he was considering a career change, and all I got out of it was that there was nothing here (locally) for him, and he would have to leave the state. Had he told me he decided to stay where he was because of us, things could have taken a different course. I just assumed nothing interested him/was available to him at the time. But today, his career is flourishing, and he seems quite a happy man. When I had him he was closeted both at work and with his family. He only came out to them as a result of losing our relationship. He realized what being closeted was costing him. And the new BF reaps the benefits.

I really like his BF. And he likes me. We get along better than me and my ex even. He's helped me do stuff around my house, and likewise I've given him/them a hand. Also, last night, alot was said in an effort for the BF to see what dynamics played their parts during our relationship.

I told him I loved him once or twice in the beginning of our relationship. He had never said it to me until I was nearly ready to start leaving the relationship, and it was over the telephone when I was having surgery and on Vicadin-lol
After last night, I think he knows how much I care about him. I don't believe I'm in love with him anymore, but miss what was and what should've been. I think the HIV assists in the melancholy I experience in a bar, especially around way too many couples!

He said some things, as I said, that made me start to well up. When I realized that was going to happen I excused myself to the mens room, but on the way past him I told him he was about to make me cry, and to knock it off! lol

Thanks for giving me a reasonable excuse to put more of this down ;)
« Last Edit: December 02, 2006, 08:37:02 pm by Longislander »
infected 10/05 diagnosed 12-05
2/06   379/57000                    6/07 372/30500 25%   4/09 640/U/32% 
5/06   ?? /37000                     8/07 491/55000/24%    9/09 913/U/39%
8/06   349/9500 25%              11/07 515/68000/24     2/10 845/U/38%
9/06   507/16,000 30% !          2/08  516/116k/22%    7/10 906/80/39%
12/06 398/29000 26%             Start Atripla 3/08
3/07   402/80,000 29%            4/08  485/undet!/27
4/07   507/35,000 25%            7/08 625/UD/34%
                                                 11/08 684/U/36%

Offline Eldon

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,664
Re: Tonite
« Reply #4 on: December 02, 2006, 08:45:14 pm »
Hey Paul,

Behind a series of reflections in your life, out come a self-realization just as well which is positive.


Happy holidays!

Offline allopathicholistic

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,258
Re: Tonite
« Reply #5 on: December 02, 2006, 11:17:16 pm »
But today, his career is flourishing, and he seems quite a happy man.

And you were part of the reason why. Whatever good you put into it, even though it's over now and you're not in love anymore, WILL come back to you at some point for the next guy. That's just how it works! (In my book) And hopefully sooner versus later!  ;D

As far as communication, well, I have one word and you'll understand immediately. MEN. 'Nuff said

As far as how it "should have been" - Yeah, I know that feeling but you're wiser now and now you've got more skills for the next lucky guy!  8)  
« Last Edit: December 02, 2006, 11:46:50 pm by allopathicholistic »

Offline Queen Tokelove

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,031
  • Smokey the Smurf
Re: Tonite
« Reply #6 on: December 04, 2006, 08:59:28 pm »
Paul,

I think it is great that you and the ex and new bf have the relationship that you guys do. I wish I could have that kinda of civility with my exes but for some reason they hate me or at least that is what I think. Hell, I dunno, I never really see them anymore. :D
Started Atripla/Ziagen on 9/13/07.
10/31/07 CD4-265 VL- undetectable
2/6/08 CD4- 401 VL- undetectable
5/7/08 CD4- 705 VL- undetectable
6/4/08 CD4- 775 VL- undetectable
8/6/08 CD4- 805 VL- undetectable
11/13/08 CD4- 774 VL--undetectable
2/4/09  CD4- 484  VL- 18,000 (2 months off meds)
3/3/09---Starting Back on Meds---
4/27/09 CD4- 664 VL-- undetectable
6/17/09 CD4- 438 VL- 439
8/09 CD4- 404 VL- 1,600
01-22-10-- CD4- 525 VL- 59,000
Cherish the simple things life has to offer

Offline Longislander

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,489
Re: Tonite
« Reply #7 on: December 04, 2006, 09:49:23 pm »
Alex, Interestingly I never thought of it that way?!


Queen, We both cared alot for each other, and breaking up didn't really change that part. No fighting was involved, so there's no need to now.
Plus I think it's a gay thing.....lol
infected 10/05 diagnosed 12-05
2/06   379/57000                    6/07 372/30500 25%   4/09 640/U/32% 
5/06   ?? /37000                     8/07 491/55000/24%    9/09 913/U/39%
8/06   349/9500 25%              11/07 515/68000/24     2/10 845/U/38%
9/06   507/16,000 30% !          2/08  516/116k/22%    7/10 906/80/39%
12/06 398/29000 26%             Start Atripla 3/08
3/07   402/80,000 29%            4/08  485/undet!/27
4/07   507/35,000 25%            7/08 625/UD/34%
                                                 11/08 684/U/36%

Offline allopathicholistic

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,258
Re: Tonite
« Reply #8 on: December 04, 2006, 09:57:19 pm »
Alex, Interestingly I never thought of it that way?!

What, that your love nurtured him & helped mold him into the man he is today? Love is supposed to do that.

Or the karma thing?

Offline Longislander

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,489
Re: Tonite
« Reply #9 on: December 04, 2006, 10:15:53 pm »
the nurture thing. I did give myself credit for making him realize he needed to come out to his family after we broke up, and change that part of his life, but that was quite obvious, because he called me immediately afterwards. And so did his mother-lol

Maybe that's why his BF likes me, he did get a much more free-spirited, open man than I had.
infected 10/05 diagnosed 12-05
2/06   379/57000                    6/07 372/30500 25%   4/09 640/U/32% 
5/06   ?? /37000                     8/07 491/55000/24%    9/09 913/U/39%
8/06   349/9500 25%              11/07 515/68000/24     2/10 845/U/38%
9/06   507/16,000 30% !          2/08  516/116k/22%    7/10 906/80/39%
12/06 398/29000 26%             Start Atripla 3/08
3/07   402/80,000 29%            4/08  485/undet!/27
4/07   507/35,000 25%            7/08 625/UD/34%
                                                 11/08 684/U/36%

Offline Strayboy74

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,054
  • tastes like chicken
Re: Tonite
« Reply #10 on: December 04, 2006, 10:26:39 pm »
whenever I leave a relationship, it's always an amiable situation.  and we always end up being friends...  okay, except once....

good for you LI Guy.  I'd like a ride in that convertible, but it would seem we've a great distance between us. :)

perhaps that's for the best. :)  *swoon*

:)

-joseph

Offline Longislander

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,489
Re: Tonite
« Reply #11 on: December 04, 2006, 10:35:16 pm »
Joseph, If you were closer (much) you'd definitely get one!
I think he'd kill me if I put that much mileage on it! lol
infected 10/05 diagnosed 12-05
2/06   379/57000                    6/07 372/30500 25%   4/09 640/U/32% 
5/06   ?? /37000                     8/07 491/55000/24%    9/09 913/U/39%
8/06   349/9500 25%              11/07 515/68000/24     2/10 845/U/38%
9/06   507/16,000 30% !          2/08  516/116k/22%    7/10 906/80/39%
12/06 398/29000 26%             Start Atripla 3/08
3/07   402/80,000 29%            4/08  485/undet!/27
4/07   507/35,000 25%            7/08 625/UD/34%
                                                 11/08 684/U/36%

Offline Strayboy74

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,054
  • tastes like chicken
Re: Tonite
« Reply #12 on: December 04, 2006, 10:38:07 pm »
I think he'd kill me if I put that much mileage on it! lol

I like accumulating mileage. :)

*insert maniacle laughter here*

-Joseph

 


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