Jeffreyj:
As I begin my 23rd year being positive, I have been reflecting a bit. I am still amazed that I'm here. I feel guilty being here, however. I can't seem to get that thought out of my head. "Why me?" It drives me crazy. I totally appreciate the fact I'm here, don't get me wrong. But it has been extremely painful to watch so many go before me. Especially my wife wife of 15 years who passed away in 1999.
Does anyone else have this feeling of guilt? If so, how do you deal with it.
I believe that God has a plan, and that helps me somewhat. But these guilty feelings just don't go away.
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
Joe K:
Hey Jeffery,
I understand your feelings as I am also starting my 23rd year of being poz, yet from my perspective you only have two options. One is to deal with them and the other is to just ignore them and remain crazy. Have you had this feeling all along or is it just more pronounced since the death of your wife? if it is more recent, then maybe you just need to talk with someone to help you sort out your feelings. These feelings are normal and how can you not mourn the loss of someone so close. Jeff, I cannot imagine how i would continue if I were to lose my husband, Stephen, yet go on I would and it would appear, so are you. So now the question becomes, is this how you want to live the rest of your life???
I share your feelings that we are here for a purpose and might I suggest that you need to find yours. Rather than going crazy about something you really cannot change (acceptance) why not find something to channel your energy into? I think that your wife would want you to have a happy life, even when she cannot be there to share it with you. Surely you don't believe that you are incapable of finding someone else, or just redefining yourself and starting a new life? You do not need permission to wilt away and die, but your post suggests that is not your intent, so you need to find a way to live with these feelings and toward that goal, may I offer the following:
My friend, I do not know why we are here when so many others have been taken from us. What I do know however, is that the people who passed before me left me with such a will to live, that I believe my survival is a testament to their memory. Our loved ones would insist on our persevering and so I continue on, because deep down I know that I can do not less in their memory, even if it will never remove the loss from my soul.
Be well my friend.
dtwpuck:
I lived through the crucible and watched many friends die. Then I became poz myself, I think, because I finally gave up fighting.
I look at pictures. I cry. I miss Jimmie sometimes so much... the way he smelled, his silly smile, his fuzzy belly. His mother and I were the only people to come to his funeral. I miss Wes and I miss Thomas. I am wearing a pair of boots he had right now. I have written poems to each of them.
I don't know if there is an easy way to survive. When I finally do die, I don't know what awaits. So, for now, they are alive in my memory. But I survive. When I feel sad that there are those who are gone, I remember that I am glad to have known them.
My heart goes out to you. I haven't lived your life, but I think I know what you feel.
Some days I think this is how really old people feel. When you have lived a long life, and watched all your contemporaries pass on... what is left. Your memories. Your tears. Your laughter. Your life. Be happy that you are still here and you can choose how you relate to life from this moment to the next.
poet:
I have been positive for 23 years this year and, like others here, have watched countless numbers of friends and lovers/partners die. How might I justify my being alive? By finding out why I am alive by recognising who I am and who I am not. By finding out what my skills are and using them. By always trying to act in a way which does no harm but may benefit others, be it donating money to a cause, shoveling a neighbor's walkway, planting a garden others can enjoy, remembering what is important in life and what is not (a personal measurement, of course). By remembering those who have died every once in awhile because, we are told, they know when we think about them. Win
Queen Tokelove:
Jeffrey~~
Hi sweetie. I really don't know what I could say to you about your guilt other than I feel it is normal to feel that way. I agree with Joe, you have a purpose and you must find it. I will have been poz 10 years this year and I can only hope to be here another 15 yrs. I often wonder why I am still here when others I have loved have been taken away from me. So, don't feel that you are alone in feeling the way you do. Even though you are left wondering why, there are those like myself that are grateful that you are still here. You were one of the first people that made me feel welcome here and I have appreciated the way you have shared a part yourself with me.