Author Topic: adult bookstore..childish mistake! (Read 16933 times)

prestonjames · « **on:** July 21, 2009, 05:08:57 pm »

Where to start? I am about 90% sure that I have acquired HIV, and about 99.9% sure that I will not know how to cope once I know for sure. I know I have made some stupid decisions, even after having been given a second and third chance, so I probably deserve what I get. In any event, I'm hoping for some encouragement, or whatever I can find at this point. Here's a little background:

When I was 17, I had my first experience and was naive enough to do so unprotected. Months later, I heard through the grapevine that the person I was with was HIV positive. I was almost sure that I had contracted it, mainly because of several bouts with the flu and an overall feeling that bad luck had a way of finding me. I refrained from forming any real relationships, and turned away advancement opportunities, both career and personal. I lived the next 6 years waiting to die. Stupid, yes. But please stay with me.

When I was 23, I met a guy that I fell completely head over heels for. I tried to use my "life sucks, I'm just going to die" mentality to push him away like I had done to every other person who tried to get close to me, but the attraction (mutually) was just too strong. We started what would eventually be a 4 year relationship. Once again, I gave in to unprotected sex. I was not coerced, so please don't read this as blame, I'm just saying that I did not reject the idea. After about 6 months (and countless unprotected times) my partner became very ill. I took him to the ER and he was eventually diagnosed with HIV. I immediately thought/knew that I had given it to him. The guilt I felt was unbearable. He insisted that I get tested but I refused. Eventually, I did do a home test and was confirmed negative. NEGATIVE. Then I went to a clinic on my own, and received another negative result. So not only had I wasted 6 years thinking I was knocking on death's door, but I escaped infection a second time.

As the years went by, my partner decided (completely on his own) to go back to his home country and spend his remaining years with his family. I would never have left him, but I had to respect his decision. He gave me 4 of the best years of my life.

Well, time marches on and a couple of failed relationships later I recently found myself extremely ill. I had fever in excess of 104, night sweats, massive headaches, chills and nausea. After 3 days I couldn't take it anymore and I took myself to the ER. I was diagnosed with pneumonia and spent the next several days in the hospital. They asked me repeatedly if I had HIV risk factors, but I only answered "not that I know of". They drew blood and supposedly did tests and checked white blood cells, etc. but I never actually learned the results other than to say they were "normal" for my condition. I'm sure they did not do an HIV test, or if they did, they didn't tell me. I was scared to ask for an one or to admit that I did indeed have some level of risk.

Well I have been out of the hospital and off of antibiotics for several days now, and though I feel much better, I don't feel 100%. I'm sure some of it is nerves and anxiety over the possibility of infection. I decided to do a home test again, and sent it off today. I have to wait 3 days to call in for the results.

My fear is that I don't know how I will handle a positive result. Even though I have it in my head that it could be (and likely will be) positive, I don't know if I actually want to hear the confirmation. If it's negative of course I want to hear it, but part of me thinks it might be better to just live every day to the fullest until or unless I get very sick again.

I know that I have the risk factors, and I know that pneumonia is unlikely in an otherwise healthy young person, but part of me is holding onto hope. I just don't know how long my rope is or how long I can hold on.

Sorry for the massive post. I'm usually brief and to the point, but I have no one to talk to so this was therapeutic if nothing else.

RapidRod · « **Reply #1 on:** July 21, 2009, 07:23:12 pm »

Take an HIV test. If its been 3 months after you last unprotected anal sex then your test willl be conclusive.

Andy Velez · « **Reply #2 on:** July 21, 2009, 09:28:42 pm »

Preston, let's deal with one thing at a time. Since you have had unprotected intercourse you do need to get tested.

Symptoms are nothing to rely upon as a means of determining HIV status. Only an HIV test at the proper time -- 13 weeks after the most recent unprotected incident -- can give you a definitive answer.

If and when you test positive we'll deal with that. The first thing is to establish what your status actually is.

And however daunting the prospect may seem,IF you test positive life is still going to go on as many here in these Forums can attest to.

Meantime, should you find yourself having intercourse with anyone, make sure that whoever is the insertive partner is always without exceptions, wearing a condom.

Get your test done. Keep us posted. And good luck.

Cheers.

prestonjames · « **Reply #3 on:** July 22, 2009, 04:24:06 pm »

Hi Andy,

Thank you so much for your reply. I do have one question and I swear I am not trying to be "dramatic" like I notice many people being, but while I am waiting for my result, could you please answer me this...

Isn't sudden pneumonia a strong indicator of HIV infection? The last time I had unprotected sex was in January (over 6 months ago) and I know from reading here that seroconversion usually takes place in a matter a few months or less. I don't recall a period of sickness that I could think was sero within the last 6 months, just this recent pneumonia.

My main concern is that the nurses and doctors asked me no less than 4 times if I had HIV risk factors or had ever been diagnosed with HIV. Then reading on the internet, it seems that pneumonia in an otherwise healthy 30 year old is rare/unlikely.

I just called for my results, but it hasn't been 3 days so of course they are not yet available.

I know you cannot say definitively YES or NO but I guess everything points to pneumonia being either an extension of a serious "flu bug" or an HIV indicator. I haven't had a recent flu, so please tell me if it's possible I just got pneumonia out of the blue.

Please wish me luck, as my results should be available tomorrow and I am freaking out.

Thanks,
PJ

RapidRod · « **Reply #4 on:** July 22, 2009, 06:34:05 pm »

There are hundreds of thousands of people diagnosed and treated for pneumonia each years so no, pneumonia is NOT HIV specific.

Andy Velez · « **Reply #5 on:** July 22, 2009, 07:53:20 pm »

As Rod has told you, pneumonia as such is not an HIV-specific occurence.

While I can certainly appreciate that you are understandably very concerned, symptoms as such are never a good way to know about HIV status. The ONLY way to know for sure either way is with an HIV test. So you have to be patient for a little longer.

Get productively busy with other things in your life and the waiting time will pass more easily than you may imagine is possible. And don't bother saying you're too worried to do that because I can tell you that response won't fly here.

Lots of deep and slow breaths in and out when you have a tense moment and then get on to other things. It really works.

Do it now.

Cheers.

prestonjames · « **Reply #6 on:** July 22, 2009, 08:24:23 pm »

Thanks RapidRod and Andy. I know that I am at risk, so I cannot completely be at ease, but knowing that pneumonia isn't necessarily HIV specific does help a little and might help me sleep tonight.

It's just that I have been going through everything in my head and on the internet and probably stressing too much over something I can't change at this point. Of course, even though the past would suggest otherwise, I will be making changes in my life which should have been made a long time ago. I'm not generally very active sexually, but whether that changes or not, and whether my status changes or not, proper precautions will be a part of my escapades 100% of the time now.

Hopefully my results will be available tomorrow and I will post them if so. I appreciate the encouragement and most of all the lack of finger pointing or judgment on my character I have found here.

PJ

Andy Velez · « **Reply #7 on:** July 23, 2009, 09:38:02 am »

You're welcome, PJ.

That going through your head stuff is understandable. However, when you are hanging out in your head a lot it's the equivalent of being behind enemy lines. Get busy productively with other things while you're waiting for your test result. One way or another and despite any doubts you may have, at the end of the day you're still going to be standing.

Good to know you're committed to practicing "proper precautions" now.

We'll be expecting to hear further from you.

Cheers.

prestonjames · « **Reply #8 on:** July 23, 2009, 01:28:39 pm »

Hi again,

Well I called again today for my results and I still get a message that my results are not yet available. I am a little confused because this was an "Express Home Test" and the results are supposed to be available the day they receive it. Since I sent it overnight on Tuesday, they should have gotten it Wednesday so I should have been able to get my results by now (actually yesterday).

The message I hear is "Your test results are not yet available. If it has been longer than 3 days since you mailed your test, please press 0 to speak with an operator."

MY QUESTION IS: Does anyone have any knowledge or experience with the Home Access tests? Does the "results not available" message even after they should be mean they need to tell me "live" that I am positive? Has anyone gotten a recorded positive confirmation from these home tests? Is it possible they are just taking longer than usual, or should they indicate to me that they are doing additional tests maybe to confirm a positive result?

I am kind of hesitant to talk to an operator...the reason I did the home test was because I didn't want to sit face to face with someone at a clinic who was about to tell me my fate...and I really don't want someone to tell me live on the phone either. Positive or not, I would rather just hear a recording.

I am kind of coming to terms with the possibility that I may get a positive result. While in the hospital and for the past week I have been doing alot (probably too much) of reflecting on how I have lived my life and that I just have to accept whatever happens.

Your responses and thoughts about the home test would be appreciated.

PJ

RapidRod · « **Reply #9 on:** July 23, 2009, 01:35:44 pm »

Did you take the time to read the paperwork that came with the collection kit? It explains it all right on the paperwork.

prestonjames · « **Reply #10 on:** July 23, 2009, 01:56:59 pm »

I did read the paperwork, but I was asking for real life experiences. Disclaimers and printed words are often times nothing more than legal jumbo and are less than encouraging.

There's no need for sarcasm, just asking a question, mainly directed to those who have experience with the test and/or wish to be helpful.

Thanks.

RapidRod · « **Reply #11 on:** July 23, 2009, 02:06:04 pm »

It wasn't sarcasm it was a question and it explains it very well about collecting your results. Had you received a positive test result your call would be transferred to a counselor.

prestonjames · « **Reply #12 on:** July 23, 2009, 02:26:28 pm »

Sorry Rapid, I shouldn't have assumed sarcasm. I guess the main thing that I was questioning was the timing. From reading the literature (more than once) I deduced that my results should have been available by now. The fact that they are not, plus that it says press 0 to speak to a counselor, just raised questions.

Do you know if they would tell you on the recording that the result is positive and THEN transfer you to a counselor or do they put you straight to a counselor to RECEIVE the result?

I apologize for all the questions, and I'm sure they are redundant to some level, but I am sincerely just trying to gain knowledge and build up some nerve.

Thanks again for all your replies.

RapidRod · « **Reply #13 on:** July 23, 2009, 02:29:15 pm »

Even if you are transfered does not mean your test was reactive. It could be as simple as not having enough blood for the lab to test.

Andy Velez · « **Reply #14 on:** July 23, 2009, 03:06:50 pm »

Anything we say would be guessing and won't give you the answer(s) you need. Call them and find out what's going on. And keep us posted.

Cheers.

prestonjames · « **Reply #15 on:** July 24, 2009, 08:44:08 pm »

Okay it's day 4 and so I'm pretty sure my results are available...the problem now is that I am far too nervous to call in for them. I guess the other times I called, I kind of knew it was too early, but now that I am 99% sure they will give me the results, I'm too scared to call.

The problem is that I don't know how I will react if the test is positive. I know that the same things will occur in my life (changes in my health, etc.) whether I know or not, so part of me is rationalizing the idea of just not getting the results. If I do not get them, is there a period of time where I can assume I'm negative if I haven't gotten ill? Like if in a year or two I am doing well, I'm probably negative?

Of course the logical part of me knows that I should find out for knowledge sake, but I have no health insurance and no real support system, so I'm not completely sure that I would be able to afford or receive treatment if I'm positive.

Please help. I'm driving myself crazy.

Andy Velez · « **Reply #16 on:** July 24, 2009, 09:00:21 pm »

Stop with the drama. You know and we know that eventually you're going to call in. The only question is how long you are going to torture yourself before making the call.

Hopefully you will have tested negative. But if you didn't, then I can tell with absolute certainty that your life is going to go on. And we'll be here to make certain that it does.

So quit the frabber jabber and make the call. We'll be expecting to hear from you.

Good luck and cheers.

prestonjames · « **Reply #17 on:** July 25, 2009, 01:03:16 am »

Well try as I might I couldn't bring myself to make the call tonight...I will try tomorrow. I didn't think it would be such an issue. I know that whether I hear the results or not doesn't change my status, but in my head ignorance is bliss.

Maybe a good night's sleep will find me in a better mindset.

prestonjames · « **Reply #18 on:** July 27, 2009, 12:26:57 pm »

I hope to get an honest/accurate answer to this, as my research has me a little confused. I've seen many posts and sites where poz people say that they are "always protected except with my poz partners" and then I see others who say that two poz partners should still always use protection regardless.

Of course I know that there are other STIs to consider, but those aside, is it necessary for POZ-POZ partners to use protection on account of being poz? I mean, can u/p sex "worsen" the infection in some way?

Personally, I would be unlikely to have u/p sex again, but knowledge is power so all thoughts are appreciated as I am really trying to figure this out.

Ann · « **Reply #19 on:** July 27, 2009, 12:44:39 pm »

Preston,

I've moved and merged the thread you started in the Living forum into your thread here in Am I Infected. Until you've gotten a positive result, confirmed with a positive Western Blot, this forum and this thread is the only place you should be posting.

And until you've had a confirmed positive result, there's not a lot of reason to go into a detailed answer to your latest question. There are plenty of threads in Living that deal with this subject anyway - but please don't post in them until you've been confirmed poz - and hopefully that won't happen.

If you need help finding your thread when you come here, click on the "Show own posts" link under your name in the left-hand column of any forum page.

Please also read through the Welcome Thread so you can familiarize yourself with our Forum Posting Guidelines. Thank you for your cooperation.

Ann

prestonjames · « **Reply #20 on:** July 27, 2009, 01:02:11 pm »

Sorry for my error...I have read the posting guidelines but thought the question was more suited to the living with HIV threads. Now I know.

I browsed many pages of posts but didn't really find any answers to my question by a reliable source (Andy, Rod or yourself), which is why I started the thread to begin with. I am trying to gain knowledge, so if you could possibly point me in the right direction, I would much appreciate it.

Thanks for all you do.

Ann · « **Reply #21 on:** July 27, 2009, 01:34:43 pm »

Preston,

Have you had your results yet?

Ann

prestonjames · « **Reply #22 on:** July 27, 2009, 01:46:33 pm »

Hi Ann,

Technically, no. I know that leaves me open to everyone saying that I don't need to ask questions or be worried yet, but I am trying to prepare myself before I call on my results.

I believe all people deal with things differently, and for me I would prefer to gain a wealth of information "just in case" rather than getting a result and then trying to deal with that news on top of learning all I need to know.

Please understand that I have no support system (offline, anyway) so I am dealing with this on my own and the best way I know how.

I know that the only way I can know for sure is to get the results, but I have that "fear of impending doom" that everyone has a sixth sense of. You know when something is not right with your body, and I understand that I am stressing and that alone can cause a host of "symptoms" but I appreciate this forum for the information that it does provide.

All that said, again I apologize for posting inappropriately and appreciate any information on my original question.

PJ

Ann · « **Reply #23 on:** July 27, 2009, 02:48:22 pm »

Preston,

Get your results and get it over with. Until you do, there's nothing further to discuss.

Ann

prestonjames · « **Reply #24 on:** July 27, 2009, 05:42:00 pm »

Well I guess that's an acceptable reply. Not really what I was hoping for but pretty much what I expected. I am going to get incredibly drunk tonight (something that 2-3 drinks should do since I rarely indulge) and make the call. I ration that way if it's bad news it shouldn't take me long to pass out and I won't have to deal with it until tomorrow.

I'll post results tomorrow in case anyone cares.

PJ

Ann · « **Reply #25 on:** July 27, 2009, 05:57:00 pm »

Preston,

We do care, but until we know your status, there simply isn't more to say at this point.

Other than... good luck. Make that call. You're going to be ok no matter what the outcome is. Really. I've been poz for twelve years and I'm still going strong. You might not even be poz.

Make that call!

Ann

prestonjames · « **Reply #26 on:** August 01, 2009, 09:50:07 pm »

What is wrong with me?! I still haven't been able to make the call. Lately I have been feeling feverish and anxious, which I can contribute to something as serious as my status or as stupid as stress, I guess.

If the thought of knowing and fear of a positive result is causing this much anxiety, can anyone support me in thinking maybe I should just live one day at a time, safe, and not worry about the results? At least not yet?

With the utmost respect to everyone on the forum, I will not resolve myself to popping pills all day nor will I even try to live past my self supportive years, so isn't enjoying what time I have here-day by day- a viable option?

Anyone? Please?

RapidRod · « **Reply #27 on:** August 01, 2009, 09:51:28 pm »

Seek professional mental help.

prestonjames · « **Reply #28 on:** August 01, 2009, 09:51:57 pm »

Thanks.

Ann · « **Reply #29 on:** August 02, 2009, 07:19:09 am »

James,

I'm going to be blunt.

Don't be so bloody stupid!

If it turns out you're not poz, then you're wasting your time and ours with this wallowing in self-pity.

If it turns out you ARE poz, then you're begging to end up in hospital, sick as a dog. Do you think you'll "enjoy your time" then?

If you are poz, you might not need meds for years. When you do need meds, they'll permit you to live a long, healthy life - full of enjoyment.

The choice is yours. However, you will not be permitted to use this forum to wring your hands over your inability to collect your test results. We cannot provide the sort of intense support you need. You would be wise to contact a mental health care provider and make an appointment to discuss your inability to look out for your own health by getting your test results.

Ann

prestonjames · « **Reply #30 on:** August 02, 2009, 10:07:52 am »

Thanks.

Ann · « **Reply #31 on:** August 02, 2009, 10:33:57 am »

Preston,

I realise you think we're not being much help. At the end of the day, there's not much we can do. Only you can get your results.

You seem to have a skewed idea of what it's like to be poz in this day and age. It's not about "popping pills all day". The regimen most people start on either consists of taking ONE pill ONCE a day, or TWO pills ONCE a day. That hardly constitutes "all day". Many do not even experience side-effects.

People who wait until they're hospitalised to find out their hiv status regret it. It ain't pretty. You've already had one brush with this (and you never said if it was PCP or not), and believe you me, the next one, if you're poz, will be MUCH worse. You can stave off all that by getting your results. For all you know, you could be hiv negative. This is one case where ignorance certainly is NOT bliss.

You WILL be ok either way, positive or negative. Thing is, if you ARE poz and leave it go, you WILL regret your inaction at this earlier date when you could be taking steps to stay healthy. If you're poz, we're here for you. If you're neg, then make sure you use condoms in future and you won't be in this position again.

GET YOUR RESULTS!

Ann

prestonjames · « **Reply #32 on:** August 07, 2009, 02:52:40 pm »

Hello,

Well I finally grew some and called...and it was negative. I know it seems like alot of drama over nothing but I truly was scared as I DID have high risk. It's not like alot of people who say "I touched a girl's boob and there may have been a microscopic cut on her nipple". I actually had unprotected sex, multiple times, both insertive and receptive, with someone who I later found out is very promiscuous. Then six months later I came down with pneumonia..bad enough to be hospitalized for. I think I was somewhat justified in my concern.

Nonetheless, I have learned a valuable lesson. I know that almost everyone who posts here says that, but thank you all for your support, encouragement, tough "love" and for all the work you do here for myself and others like me.

PJ

Ann · « **Reply #33 on:** August 07, 2009, 03:05:54 pm »

PJ,

I hope this scare has acted as a wake-up call. Keep having unprotected anal intercourse and you WILL end up with hiv sooner or later. And you know what? It's not just with people who you perceive to be - or are told are - promiscuous. Even people who don't have a lot of sex can end up hiv positive. What matters is condom use and nothing else.

You need to be using condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, every time, no exceptions until such time as you are in a securely monogamous relationship where you have both tested for ALL sexually transmitted infections together. To agree to have unprotected intercourse is to consent to the possibility of being infected with an STI. Sex without a condom lasts only a matter of minutes, but hiv is forever.

Have a look through all three condom and lube links in my signature line so you can use condoms with confidence.

Anyone who is sexually active should be having a full sexual health care check-up, including but not limited to hiv testing, at least once a year and more often if unprotected intercourse occurs.

If you aren't already having regular, routine check-ups, now is the time to start. As long as you make sure condoms are being used for intercourse, you can fully expect your routine hiv tests to return with negative results. Don't forget to always get checked for all the other sexually transmitted infections as well, because they are MUCH easier to transmit than hiv.

Use condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, correctly and consistently, and you will continue to avoid hiv infection. It really is that simple!

Ann

prestonjames · « **Reply #34 on:** October 24, 2010, 05:21:40 pm »

First I want to say that I'm not completely freaking out, because I have thought about my actions, contemplated the possible outcomes, and come to terms with them. I have also decided to discontinue the questionable habit (addiction?) though I never thought I would have ended up there to begin with, so who knows what that really means?

On a whim I stopped into an adult bookstore, looking for a pretty specific novelty, but got curious about the "video arcade" they had prominently advertised on the sign out front, as well as the wall inside. I figured it was just booths or rooms where you pay to watch pornos, which it was, but I wasn't expecting to find glory holes in several of the booths. I had never seen one of these in person, and really didn't think they existed outside of the fantasy of porn.

Unfortunately, I gave into my curiosity and had several encounters, on several different occasions, with several unknown guys. I mostly gave oral, I would say 6 or 7 guys over the course of several weeks, and received it a couple of times. I don't like receiving ejaculate but on two occasions the guy came in my mouth without warning. Both times I immediately spit it out, if that matters. Obviously I don't know any of their statuses, but I can with confidence say that prior to finding this place, I was negative.

The last couple of days I have been feeling under the weather..simple cold symptoms..and this has me worried. I don't believe I have a fever, but a minor sore throat, headache and general lack of energy.

My question is How much risk did I put myself at, and does this warrant being tested?

Again, I have come to terms with the fact that, regardless of the risk, this activity is not for me, and I haven't been back in several weeks (nor do I intend to return). Any help would be greatly appreciated.

RapidRod · « **Reply #35 on:** October 24, 2010, 08:02:39 pm »

 Please do not start a new thread every time you have another question or thought - regardless if you think your questions are related to each other or not. It helps us to help you when you keep all your thoughts or questions in one thread and it helps other readers to follow the discussion. Additional threads will be merged.

 If you cannot find your thread, click on the "Show own posts" link in the left-hand column of any forum page, under your name.

Ann · « **Reply #36 on:** October 25, 2010, 04:40:57 am »

Preston,

I've merged your new thread into your original thread - where you should post all your additional thoughts or questions. It helps us to help you when you keep all your additional thoughts or questions in one thread. It doesn't matter how long it has been since you last posted in your thread or if the subject matter is different.

If you need help finding your thread when you come here, click on the "Show own posts" link under your name in the left-hand column of any forum page.

Please also read through the Welcome Thread so you can familiarize yourself with our Forum Posting Guidelines. Thank you for your cooperation.

Giving blowjobs is only theoretically a risk for hiv infection. As long as you have decent oral health, there's no reason to think you'd be one of the extremely rare (if indeed it happens at all) persons to become infected this way.

Saliva contains over a dozen different proteins and enzymes that damage hiv and render it unable to infect. In addition to that, hiv can only latch onto and infect a very few, very specific types of cells. These cells are NOT found in abundance in the mouth.

Also, there have been long-term studies of couples where one is positive and one is negative. In the couples who used condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, but no barrier for oral activities, not one of the negative partners became infected with hiv. Not one.

The bottom line is you can test for peace of mind, but don't be surprise at your negative result provided you have not been engaging in unprotected anal or vaginal intercourse you have neglected to tell us about.

Ann

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Author Topic: adult bookstore..childish mistake! (Read 16933 times)