beginning to take control of my feelings

[positivmat]

Its been almost seven weeks since I was diagnosed. The hardest thing has been my anger at myself, whoever gave me this and the virus. I hate the idea that my body is fighting so hard against this vkirus when I used to be so proud of my health and my strength. When I woke up in the middle of the night worrying about myself and raging at myself, I thought you have to give yourself a break or you will get sick. I tried this breathing exercise, tonglen.  I thought when you breathe in take in all this pain and anger over not knowing why and who and breathe out compassion for everyone who suffers unjustly and doesn't know why. Just this act (and the fact that I am weary from seven weeks of self hatred and abuse) helped me re-focus on others. I don't know if it will always work on my anger but this morning compassion for myself beat the anger. And I thought that I would have to do that if I wanted my immune system to have a chance in hell of not exhausting itself. Thought I would share something that helped me get past the anger. I probably couldn't have done this til I exhausted myself with beating myself up but I was able to get there this morning

[veritas]

Mat,

As time goes by, you learn to live with the disease. That first shock of finding out your POZ ( sort of like getting kicked in the face by someone you trust ) is replaced by focusing on what you must do to stay healthy and still go on with your life. Sometimes there is little change, sometimes one decides to go in a different life direction. The anger will pass more quickly day by day. Channel your emotions in a psitive (no pun intended) direction and who knows, what new and wonderful things can happen.
One thing I percieve from your post ------ You will be OK ------ !

veritas
 

[Andy Velez]

Hi Mat,

Your feelings are very understandable. And familiar to those who have been living here for a while. Even if you can't see it you're already beginning to come to terms with this new element in your life. In general I never focus on "why," but rather on "what is."

But I also encourage you to allow yourself to have all of your thoughts and feelings. Gradually you're going to find your way. Coming to this site is a part of that journey. You're always welcome here to ask questions and to talk about anything that's on your mind. Gradually you're going to learn whatever you need to know to stay healthy. Working in partnership with a good doctor will be a great tool for that as well.

Be as supportive and gentle with yourself as you would likely be to a good friend or even a stranger who needed your help.

Welcome.