POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: jam_borg1987 on June 29, 2012, 08:35:31 pm
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I used to be friends with this guy, and he was my best friend. As such, he was the first person I revealed my HIV status to.
Me and him had a fight some time ago, and now he is telling everyone that Im HIV positive. This is a very immature thing to do, even if you stop being friends with someone you should still keep their secrets to yourself.
I know it's illegal to reveal someone's HIV status without their consent. Right now, Im simply denying everything with everyone. Whenever someone approaches me and tells me that he told them, I just simply say, "Its not true, he's being a jerk". But, I still want him to stop, and he's not stopping.
I want to report him for this, how would I go about doing this?
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I know it's illegal to reveal someone's HIV status without their consent.
It's illegal for a healthcare worker to do this. As far as Joe Blow on the street you have to be joking.
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Hi
As uncomfy and anger-making as this is, there's no reporting this to anyone who will do anything on your behalf. Read the Friends section in this article http://www.aidsmeds.com/cn/printView.php?page=/articles/Disclosure_7570.shtml&domain=www.aidsmeds.com for added perspective.
Instead of feeling compelled to lie to people who like and respect you enough to come and tell you, may I suggest a twist? Why not say and ask them this -- " I appreciate you being thoughtful and coming to me about this. Why do you suppose he's doing this? " And let them think about that instead of you feeling trapped into saying it's not true when it is and that he's a jerk which they can conclude on their own.
These people may not be as likely to be as protective of you when/if they learn you lied.
I have no control over what anyone who's ever wanted to seriously date me says after I tell them the deal breaker news. I can walk away knowing they didn't have the goods in terms of intellectual curiosity and the want to consider navigation. But, I can't shut their mouths, nor the mouths of family, friends, or anyone else.
There's one other thing I might consider doing were I you. Call this guy up, meet him for coffee and have a chat about what he's doing and why. It might be revealing and there's a sliver of a chance you can get him to STFU.
Take care.
Em
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Unfortunately Jam, you really don't have any real options. There are no statutes on the books that state that your friend's behavior is criminal.
Also, the only relief you'd actually be able to pursue against him would be civil, meaning that you'd have to attempt to sue him in court for damages.
The only grounds you'd be able to attempt to bring a case would be either (a) defamation or (b) intentional infliction of emotional distress, but you don't meet the standards for either based upon what you say here.
In order to successfully win in a defamation case [which includes libel (written word) and slander (spoken)] the following elements have to be met:
(1) The person accused must make a defamatory statement - meaning they must say something that will harm your reputation.
(2) The statement must be false. This is not the case as you ARE poz.
(3) The person must communicate the statement to other people besides yourself
(4) You must show some injury as a result of what was being said
_______________________________________________________________
As far as intentional infliction of emotional distress (IIED), the person's actions must be proven to be so extreme and outrageous that it causes you serious emotional harm and it must be more than a one time occurrence.
Your friend's merely telling everyone that you are poz is not sufficient to qualify as being extreme and outrageous, no matter what you think.
So, as Philicia said, you basically don't have a leg to stand on.
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Hmm, Solo has laid out the legalities very well. But I was thinking: do you reckon threatening to take him to court (even though it is an utterly futile exercise) would shut him up, if he doesn't know better ? It might scare him a little bit and get him to stop.
Just thinking aloud.
Best
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Deleted duplicate post.
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Im sorry, when I was diagnosed, my doctor told me it was illegal for ANYONE to disclose my status to anyone else without my clear consent. I have searched the New Jersey Criminal Code and found that no such law exists. My mistake on the that one lol
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Hmm, Solo has laid out the legalities very well. But I was thinking: do you reckon threatening to take him to court (even though it is an utterly futile exercise) would shut him up, if he doesn't know better ? It might scare him a little bit and get him to stop.
Just thinking aloud.
Best
Honestly, I think what Im going to do, now that I have researched this a little bit and found that no such law exists to prevent him from telling everyone my status, Im going to continue to deny it when people ask me about it.
The reason? Because if he stopped being friends with me, then people are going to know that he has a reason for trying to cause defamation. Because eventually, if I keep denying it, then people are going to think its just some dumb desperate attempt to cause problems.
If they dont, then oh well, it just goes to show they'll believe anything they hear, even if they have no evidence to support it
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Honestly, I think what Im going to do, now that I have researched this a little bit and found that no such law exists to prevent him from telling everyone my status, Im going to continue to deny it when people ask me about it.
Hmmm. You may want to think twice about that... I think Em's advice on this was really good. I think it's a great way to combat it... just my two cents :)
... Why not say and ask them this -- " I appreciate you being thoughtful and coming to me about this. Why do you suppose he's doing this? " And let them think about that instead of you feeling trapped into saying it's not true when it is and that he's a jerk which they can conclude on their own.
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That's why no one outside my house know I'm poz. The only ones who know are the family that lives with me. besides that.... I don't trust anyone else.
jam, it seems there are no legal resources, you cannot claim defamation, because you are actually poz, so you have to decide: take the higher road, and take this chance to admit to everyone you are poz (assuming all the consequences), or just keep denying everything and that's it, and tell them that he's telling this just because he's mad at you. The choice is up to you.
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Or you can say "Yes, I am, and what's it to you? (name of blabber) is betraying my privacy in a horrible way. Think about that for a moment."
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Or you can say "Yes, I am, and what's it to you? (name of blabber) is betraying my privacy in a horrible way. Think about that for a moment."
Well, that's only an option if jam_borg wants, and is prepared, to corroborate his HIV status to these people. It quite apparent he's not comfortable with divulging his positivity to the world, which is perfectly understandable and is his prerogative.
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Yes obviously.
Just seemed like it was one of the three options. And hadn't been mentioned yet.
1) Yes, I am, what's it to you?
2) No, I am not, ________ is an asshole...
or
3) (no answer, clever evasion) "Wow, ________ said what? What an asshole."
The OP is choosing number 2 but I agree with others it may not be the most strategic and it is a bit soul eating to have to lie and accept the supposed "scandal" of being HIV+ when dealing with a bunch of people who shouldn't be curious in the first place!
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jam if i were you i would ignore it , if you're not having any sexual activities with any of these people i would deny it , sounds to me if he or she is getting a kick out of telling others and knowing its bothering you he or she will continue if you act like it doesn't bother you he or she will stop , think how people were in h/s if it doesn't bother you like it shouldn't , nothing gained or lost
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I think you should take him to the court and try to make him stop. He is damaging you, this is going to affect all your social network where you support yourself for friends, school, work, family, etc.
I would get a lawyer since "Google is not a University". In the USA there is always a way to demand for anything.
I think he ought to respect your privacy since the VIH status is something you cant talk so openly for the stigma and prejuices that a guy living with it, must face before the whole society.
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I would get a lawyer since "Google is not a University". In the USA there is always a way to demand for anything.
There are two members in this thread that have law degrees...
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I didnt know that ;D, but i still think that a personal meeting with a lawyer would help at least as a deterrent to stop the damage the ex-best friend is causing.
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That's why no one outside my house know I'm poz.
That's why no one INCLUDING INside my house know I'm poz.
There is no more bitter sense of betrayal than when it comes from some one close. It could get even worse when you do not know where the leak comes from
Eric
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I didnt know that ;D, but i still think that a personal meeting with a lawyer would help at least as a deterrent to stop the damage the ex-best friend is causing.
Unfortunately only the Lawyer has something to gain in a situation like this where Hipaa laws do not apply .
We have had threads like this before and its still true you cant silence even the biggest gossup from telling the truth in situations like yours .
I'm sorry your friend is being such an ass but if you do decide to go see a lawyer do yourself a favor and find one who does the initial consultation for free , and for gods sake don't give your ex-friend the satisfaction of knowing you wasted your time on an attorney . That would add insult to injury after all he put you through .
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I would tell everyone indignantly that I am in fact HIV+, that my loose-lipped friend is the one who gave it to me and I suspect transmission was intentional considering his dick is the size of a needle and he lasted about as long as a vaccination.
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deleted due to high sarcasm content
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It's not illegal unless it's a lie about you having HIV.
Just talk to him and see if he will stop. Tell him you are hurt by what he's doing and you trusted him. Tell him that you are sorry the friendship didn't work out but you don't want it to be so bad that you are on bad terms with each other.
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Hey Jam,
A third option is to simply fight the stigma and tell the truth. If someone says "____ says you are hiv+". Just respond by saying "Yes".
If the person making the inquiry asks any further questions, just respond by saying that you told your friend in confidense when you were scared shitless. You didn't expect him/her to be broadcasting it to the world.
About 15 years ago I was at a party where a person told me a about a former friend who he had been in a cat fight with (the person at the party is a bit on the flamboyant side). The cat fight deteriorated to the point of bitchy queen saying to his friend, "How is the AIDS doing now a days." I couldn't believe 3 things... One was that someone would be so cruel of a human as to say that. Second was that they would be proud of saying that and would retell the story at a party, third was that they would disclose the HIV status of someone to a complete stranger. I asked him how he could be so crass, rude and disgusting and then just walked away. I haven't spoken to him since. (Keep in mind that I was neg at the time of this party)
You let the cat out of the bag to the wrong person. The bad thing is that since the cat is out, you can't shove it back in. Tell your friends the truth. If they are truly your friends they will stick by you.
Lying is the worst thing you can do. If you start dating someone, your HIV status will have to come up at some point. How will you tell someone that you are poz if you have been telling everyone else that you are neg?
Keep in mind these are just my opinions... You have to do what you feel comfortable with. I wish you the best of luck.
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I would tell everyone indignantly that I am in fact HIV+, that my loose-lipped friend is the one who gave it to me and I suspect transmission was intentional considering his dick is the size of a needle and he lasted about as long as a vaccination.
**LIKE**
It may be counter-intuitive, but when you're out about your poz status, people stop talking about it. It's no longer a big secret - and big secrets make juicy gossip and people absolutely LOVE juicy gossip.
I've seen this in action personally. As some of you may know, in my little town (population approximately 4,500) there are seven hiv positive people. Oops, six. One died earlier this year. He was extremely closeted about his hiv, stayed in his house after diagnosis and drank himself to death.
Out of those seven (I'll still include the recently deceased, because he's relevant to the story), three of us are out about our status and four are closeted. Nobody whispers or gossips about the three of us who are out, because it's ancient history. It's boring.
However, the four who are closeted are whispered about and wondered about by many people still to this day (eleven years after our "cluster" of diagnoses). People still come up to me on a regular basis and ask about one or more of them. I tell them "I have no idea" and leave it at that.
Well, not quite. I usually follow it up with asking them about their own hiv status - "When was the last time YOU tested anyway? Are YOU poz? Maybe you are and you just don't know it yet! Go test. Stop worrying about other people's hiv status and worry about YOUR OWN." At this point I usually walk away, leaving them with their jaw on the ground. ;D
The four people who remain closeted are miserable. They live in constant fear of someone finding out their hiv status. One of them drank himself to death - because of the fear. They repeatedly claim to be hiv negative, but that does nothing to stop the rumours. The rumours are still rife eleven years after - and the only reason people want to know is because people hate being lied to and they want to find out for sure one way or the other.
The three of us who are out about our status are happy - and no one gives a shit that we're poz. We're treated no differently to anyone else around town. In fact, I've lost count of the people who have said they admire all three of us for being honest about who we are and what we have - and educating people about hiv at the same time. We don't even have to say much about it - just by being around them in the community, we're educating people that people living with hiv are just like them.
When we hide our status, we feed into the idea that hiv is something to be ashamed about. It's not. It's just a damn virus that anyone could get through doing what nearly every adult on the planet has done at some time in their life - unprotected anal or vaginal intercourse. Where's the shame in that?
The more we hide, the more we add to the stigma and discrimination. The more we hide, the more we have to hide. It's a vicious cycle that only we can stop.
edited to fix a couple annoying typos
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Thanks Ann,
I have been contemplating on who to tell and not tell..You have given me much to think about
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I would tell everyone indignantly that I am in fact HIV+, that my loose-lipped friend is the one who gave it to me and I suspect transmission was intentional considering his dick is the size of a needle and he lasted about as long as a vaccination.
YES! LIKE! LIKE! LIKE! :o
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Thanks Ann,
I have been contemplating on who to tell and not tell..You have given me much to think about
You're welcome, Mojo. I hope my own experience (and that of some people in my community) helps others as well.
One thing I forgot to point out (to make it clear) is that when you are open about your hiv status, nobody can use it against you.
That's one of the biggest reasons people want to know what you would rather keep secret - when it's secret, they can use it against you. If it's not secret, it loses its power. Nobody cares anymore. It turns what someone hopes will be an "OEEMGEE" moment into a "YAWN" moment.
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Thanks Ann ;D
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I was tired of having secrets / feeling shame about being poz. I told all my friends I was poz just to get it over with. Turns out it was no big deal to them and it helped me to get it out in the open.
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I've only told one friend and he is poz too. I had another acquaintance that was poz, but I never told him. Other than that the people at my doctors office and HIV discussion group know.
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Only four people other than my doc know I am poz. I do not hide it, reveal it, or deal in gossip about anyone that I know is poz.
I may be old school when it comes to people like this who are so dumb as to spread this type of information around to hurt someone. True or not.
I would attempt to reason with them and explain that they will gain nothing by their behavior and it could be detrimental to their well being. I would explain that I have a whole bunch of unopened cans of whip your a.....s
I have never had to open a can myself.. just letting them know I will does the trick.
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I would attempt to reason with them and explain that they will gain nothing by their behavior and it could be detrimental to their well being. I would explain that I have a whole bunch of unopened cans of whip your a.....s
I have never had to open a can myself.. just letting them know I will does the trick.
"LIKE"
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It may be counter-intuitive, but when you're out about your poz status, people stop talking about it. It's no longer a big secret - and big secrets make juicy gossip and people absolutely LOVE juicy gossip.
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Ann's advice is spot on. The more you try to hide it, and the bigger deal you make out of it, it becomes a bigger deal for others -- especially who loves drama and gossip (oddly, I just posted the same thing in another thread).
I like GSOgymrat's approach!
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Disclosing your status is a personal thing. There is no wrong answer. Do what you need to do. I don't feel that it's anyone's business if I'm not having sex with them. People don't go around telling other people about their illnesses or diseases. If people find out, so be it. If you do tell select people make sure you know their character first.
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People don't go around telling other people about their illnesses or diseases.
wrong, with any other illness like cancer of course they tell other people.
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wrong, with any other illness like cancer of course they tell other people.
So true ... here in the south a simple question of how are you today leads to a 20 minute conversation ranging from hemorrhoids to gallbladders and points beyond .
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Unfortunately only the Lawyer has something to gain in a situation like this where Hipaa laws do not apply .
We have had threads like this before and its still true you cant silence even the biggest gossup from telling the truth in situations like yours .
I am not a lawyer, but i think about those "Hate crimes", it may work if the focus is in that direction(that´s how i see it). You(We/ The OP) are part of a highly vulnerable and rejected minority.
By exposing somebody´s/your own HIV status you can be in danger with many "Social cleaners" groups. We have a lot of them in Colombia and may be in the rest of the world they are not "groups", but there are surely individuals.
My position about the HIV Status is "Some things are better left unsaid"(Justin Timberlake´s Cry me a river), i dont hide that i am gay, but i am not so open about it. It is good to be visible, but in the right situation. This happens too with the HIV.
Here in Colombia, the HIV people is highly protected, we are almost VIP citizens in a country where the there are no laws. You win almost every case related to your rights, when the vulnerated person says it is HIV positive.
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Here in Colombia, the HIV people is highly protected, we are almost VIP citizens in a country where the there are no laws. You win almost every case related to your rights, when the vulnerated person says it is HIV positive.
This is so nice to read -- thank you for posting it ! Hurray Colombia.
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I agree with EM , Hurray Colombia . All we have to go on here is what the OP shared and its sounds like he is dealing with a hateful person and not a hate crime .
I don't think anybody here is arguing that outing someone for their HIV status isn't a despicable act but from what we know about this case it wasn't a crime .
My point in responding to the OP was that sometime walking away from a painful experience with dignity is our only good option .
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I would remind the people telling you this that they probably shouldn't trust a person who would betray a friend in this manner. Perhaps it'll backfire and he'll have a lot less friends.
I love when people reveal to me things about others when they shouldn't. It allows me to know their true character and never reveal anything to them or trust them.
Wolfie
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**LIKE**
It may be counter-intuitive, but when you're out about your poz status, people stop talking about it. It's no longer a big secret - and big secrets make juicy gossip and people absolutely LOVE juicy gossip.
I've seen this in action personally. As some of you may know, in my little town (population approximately 4,500) there are seven hiv positive people.
The more we hide, the more we add to the stigma and discrimination. The more we hide, the more we have to hide. It's a vicious cycle that only we can stop.
edited to fix a couple annoying typos
What a spot-on post! Coming from a similar location with similar 'counts', it is very true. I never really had to worry about it because....well...apparently I'm unremarkable. The others, however, followed the same path. Those that were out with their status ceased to be the topic of conversation and the small community quickly realized that their status wasn't the most significant or interesting thing about them. Their status (perceived or known) no longer defined them but most importantly, didn't imprison them, either. The ones who were closeted? Well, they were fodder at every bar conversation in the county - and from what I gather still are!
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After reading this, I just realized that this is a year old thread!!