POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: Sdgirl on July 15, 2006, 12:27:34 pm
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So I call it “Icky”. This is not an actual feeling, but a person. His name is Rodney and is my ex. You know the one who almost died, but didn’t………..damn him for not dying.
Let me define “Icky”
Icky = Lying, cheating, non-appreciative, selfish, pathological, nasty, skeletal, asshole.
I got the “Icky” feeling while driving home from work today. I just knew he was here in San Diego. He has to come down once a month for meds from Mississippi where he is freeloading off of his family that he has not seen or talked to in 20 years. But hey, when you are desperate, you take advantage of anyone you can.
Of course I was right, he is here in town and will be here until next Friday, staying with one of the women he cheated on me with who also said when I called to tell her to get tested “Well, if I have it and so does he, we can be together!” Oh yeah……….she is a winner alright!
The problem I have is that just knowing he is here throws me off balance. The mere thought of the possibility of running into “Icky” would send me over the edge. And the possibility is strong…..you see, he and I have not spoken in 3 months and he has attempted to contact me on several occasions to no avail.
The love I had for him is gone. I don’t even feel human compassion for him any longer. For someone who literally cheated death, he is unaffected. Unaffected by his experience and unaffected by having AIDS.
He has a 12 year old son who is going through a terrible time with school and life in general. He has no idea why the father he once knew looks so different, acts so different and why I am no longer part of his father’s life. His son’s mother and I are close and she finally gave Icky an ultimatum that he MUST tell his son what is going on. Icky, being the selfish bastard that he is, doesn’t see the “need” to do so.
I realize that hate is a very strong word, but I do HATE HIM. Not for giving me HIV, but for his actions before and afterwards. The world would be a much better place without him in it, harsh thing to say I know. Unfortunately, only the good die young.
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Dear Sdgirl
You sound like a person who needs to: DETACH
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I have been through stuff like this and if you can learn to detach....to envision letting those apron strings, or chains or whatever you call them....detach from you and fall to the ground.....then you are free
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Wow, remind me never to piss you off, Sdgirl.
"This too shall pass"
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..damn him for not dying.
if the is so much 'hate' it is your problem, you let it be there and grow; careful it may become so 'BIG' it will 'EAT' you alive.
.she is a winner alright!
Wrong !! she is a willing victim.
The problem I have is that just knowing he is here throws me off balance. The mere thought of the possibility of running into “Icky” would send me over the edge. And the possibility is strong…..you see, he and I have not spoken in 3 months and he has attempted to contact me on several occasions to no avail.
You had managed to keep him out physically but not mentally, do you know you have a strong mental, why not look into it for strength to overcome this that is poisoning your life, otherwise, seek therapeutic help.
The love I had for him is gone. I don’t even feel human compassion for him any longer. For someone who literally cheated death, he is unaffected. Unaffected by his experience and unaffected by having AIDS.
The love is gone ... who are you cheating, hate is a form of love.
I realize that hate is a very strong word, but I do HATE HIM. Not for giving me HIV, but for his actions before and afterwards. The world would be a much better place without him in it, harsh thing to say I know. Unfortunately, only the good die young.
If you don't hate , how come the word came up ??? There are men that had caused the death of millions of people : the latest book on the life of Chairman Mao can freeze your bones, well , there are many others unfortunately.
NO NO the good don't die young, they do when they let evil get the better part of them !!
Why not let the old Sdgirl die and let the new Positive(poz) Sdgirl live and blossom !!
Be well, my dear, if you live in yesterday, you prevent the sun of tomorrow from coming out. :-* :-*
Siang
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"Only the good die young." Which probably explains why bishops live such long lives. ::)
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Sdgirl,
I can relate so well with you..only with me its my ex and the way hes treated MY (our) kids. We live in the same city and thank heavens I havent seen him for over 4 yrs.
Im afraid if I do see him...I will wind up in jail.
Theres no emotion stronger than hate for someone you onced loved.
I hope that you never have to lay eyes on him again!
Teresa
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"Icky" sounds like an extremely ICKY human in general.
Take care SDGirl and I hope you don't have to have any contact with "Icky"
Peace,
Kelly
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Well Ms Thing...You've given Icky a whole new meaning for me....and here I thought it was just a
icky feeling. Take a deep breath sweetheart. No man is worth giving up your peace of mind. Just remember Karma is a bitch some times....it comes back to bite you in the ass :P :P :P
Be well my sweets......... :-*
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if you run into him, don't get into it with him. he'd love that. just smile and say maybe 2 or 3 meaningless words that give the message "I truly don't give one rat's rear about you and your insanity. I've moved on from losers. PEACE OUT!" 8) (he'll be so mad tee-hee)
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You know what All.................that is a good suggestion, although I will probably use much more expletives then you stated! 8)
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As a Libra who would rather lie than confront (sorry guys, just don't do anything wrong and you'll be good) I'd like to know if you have anywhere you could stay for a day or two just to make sure you don't run into him? At any rate, it'd give you more time to plan your replies ( no speeches) in case you run into him at some point.
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Basquo,
I WILL NOT rearrange my life for him for one more milli-second. He has already invoked life altering changes in my world and I will not give him the power..............and I especially will not leave my own home....but I get what you are saying....
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I admire your conviction. I guess I could use a little of that myself. Would you answer the door if you knew he was knocking? I'm the guy that doesn't even want to see the red light blinking if I think someone has tried to call. I wouldn't go to the store down the road if I thought I might see him there. But that's just me. It sucks but that's how I'm wired, not very flexible it seems. I'm sure you now what you're doing. I may call you if that damn light starts blinking again! (though it hasn't since my acquittal... ;)
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Why not just take back your life?
I can't imagine giving another human being this much power over me, especially if he's the butthead you say he is. Resentment kills.
I'm with Bear ... detach. And the best way to get beyond this is to forgive - not for him but for you!
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Hey SD girl,
I once had an affair with a guy and when it went wrong he was so angry. I realised that he hoped that being angry made it easier for him to detach. But being angry, hating, is a big emotion, so you are still dealing with big emotions in your life. So he still has a big place in your mind. Time to fill that space up with people that really matter. People you love. People that love you. When there is no empty space there anymore he doesn't fit in anymore. Then he will lose his power over you.
Hug
Coen
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Thank you Coen for sharing such wisdom.
Siang
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The problem I have is that just knowing he is here throws me off balance. The mere thought of the possibility of running into “Icky” would send me over the edge. And the possibility is strong…..you see, he and I have not spoken in 3 months and he has attempted to contact me on several occasions to no avail.
SD... just make sure you're in your CAR when you run into him. THAT may help out in several areas!!!
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I feel you need to do what makes you comfortable and happy. If blocking him out of your life is good for you then I think that is what you should do. We all have our thoughts and ideals on how to deal with stuff but only you can deal with it the way that makes YOU happy.