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Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: ScottJay on April 20, 2008, 01:58:59 pm

Title: Today I was down but I am not out!!!!!!!!!
Post by: ScottJay on April 20, 2008, 01:58:59 pm
I made a post the other day telling everyone to be uplifted.

Today I am down in the dumps. I got my bloods back. t-cells 555, vl undetectable, cd4% 20. The percentage has me bummed! and I feel like crap. I am just coming off of the flu and a sore throat, and didnt even want to get my bloods taken while sick, but I had to as my doctor's schedule is tight.

I dont know where my life is going. I am sick of being sick. If only I had the strength to achieve my dreams. Also, I just turned 40. Maybe that has something to do with it as well. I have been infected since 30, and I feel like I lost a lot of years due to being in shock for a few years.
Title: Re: Today I could use some cheering up. How ironic
Post by: dgr20002 on April 20, 2008, 02:10:57 pm
Hey Scott,

I think it is mostly to do with you turning 40. We all have days like this. They come and go and there will be better days ahead. CD4 and % flucuate but your numbers are't bad at all. As far as your dreams I have nothing to offer there but I believe you can achieve what you want if you have the will to do it. I too spent a lot of years in shock and denial and found out when I was 25. I am 46 now, single and pretty much happy. I have a job and a place to live a few friends and 2 great pets. A good BF would be nice but I don't hold my breath.


Just take a day at a time and anytime you need some support we are here forr you.

David
Title: thanks
Post by: ScottJay on April 20, 2008, 02:29:21 pm
Its just that sometimes I think my hiv negative wife would be better off without me. I feel like giving up. Even though my numbers are good I feel tired all the time, and really take care of myself. I dont know why my percentage is so low and it really really bothers me. I just feel tired and beat up, and have had a sinus issue for over 2 years. Its exhausting. I am really considering giving up. If there were a guaranteed no suffering way of killing myself, I just might consider it. I am just tired
Title: Re: Today I could use some cheering up. Suicidal
Post by: Dachshund on April 20, 2008, 02:38:28 pm
I made a post the other day telling everyone to be uplifted.

Today I am down in the dumps. I got my bloods back. t-cells 555, vl undetectable, cd4% 20. The percentage has me bummed! and I feel like crap. I am just coming off of the flu and a sore throat, and didnt even want to get my bloods taken while sick, but I had to as my doctor's schedule is tight.

I dont know where my life is going. I am sick of being sick. If only I had the strength to achieve my dreams. Also, I just turned 40. Maybe that has something to do with it as well. I have been infected since 30, and I feel like I lost a lot of years due to being in shock for a few years. Now I dont what I am going to do. No pension, no career, only 2 years of college.  this sucks.

If you're having suicidal thoughts it might be time to contact a professional.
Title: Re: Today I could use some cheering up. Suicidal
Post by: dgr20002 on April 20, 2008, 02:39:14 pm
Your wife would not be better off nor would the rest of your family. Talk to your DR. Make the earliest appointment you can get. Some HIV meds really do a number on us physically. It could be you need a depression evaluation and medication too. Your wife wouldn't want you to give up. I have similar issues with fatigue and some days are better than others but I push on because I know it just comes and goes and I still have a lot of life to live and a lot to offer.

So do you.

David
Title: in terms of sucide
Post by: ScottJay on April 20, 2008, 02:41:35 pm
I dont mean like right this minute, i was just having thoughts like "maybe x y and Z are better off without having to deal with my stuff."
Title: Re: Today I could use some cheering up.
Post by: BT65 on April 20, 2008, 04:40:21 pm
Scott, what do you think your wife would do without you around, seriously.  I found out when I was 24 and now I'm 43.  It probably has quite a bit to do with turning 40. 

And I 2nd what Dachs said, maybe it's time to get ahold of a professional.
Title: Re: thanks
Post by: Assurbanipal on April 20, 2008, 07:37:58 pm
Its just that sometimes I think my hiv negative wife would be better off without me. I feel like giving up. Even though my numbers are good I feel tired all the time, and really take care of myself. I dont know why my percentage is so low and it really really bothers me. I just feel tired and beat up, and have had a sinus issue for over 2 years. Its exhausting. I am really considering giving up. If there were a guaranteed no suffering way of killing myself, I just might consider it. I am just tired

Hi Scott

It's tough to keep that sense of uplift when you are tired. There's a lot of potential causes for tiredness for us HIVers.  Have you seen the lessons on fatigue and tiredness?

http://www.aidsmeds.com/articles/Fatigue_7533.shtml

I'd encourage you to have an early discussion with your doctor  -- you might want to print out this thread or write up the things you've been feeling and have them handy.

A
Title: assurb
Post by: ScottJay on April 20, 2008, 07:45:31 pm
I have had hiv for 9 years. I know all about and fatigue etc. Thank you for posting the link. I think the thing that bugs me the most is the feeling crappy sometimes, and also that my percentage used to be 31 (back in 2001-2005) and now seems to be stuck around 20. I should mention that I contracted herpes shortly before meeting my wife, and I think that has affected my immune system. I hate to confess it, but I am stuck on numbers. I have also had a sinus infection for a long long time, and it makes it even hard for me to think or concentrate sometimes.
Title: Re: Today I could use some cheering up.
Post by: Winiroo on April 20, 2008, 08:01:57 pm
If this where a pissing contest I'd have to declare myself the winner. LOL <joke>

Seriously though, your doing fine hun. Your percentage is likely down because of the infection and the fact that you are just getting over the flu and a sore throat. Don't let those numbers mess with your head Scottjay. Honey if I had your numbers I'd be dancing around and singing more than I already do.  ;D

I know your in a bummer mood at the moment but you can get out of the dumps. And turning 40 isn't that bad of a thing either. For every birthday you have it means you beat this crap another year.
If your HIV negative wife thought she would be better without you don't you think she would be gone by now?
I'm sure she loves you very much and would be devastated if anything where to happen to you.

Look up, this could be a great day if you'd let it be. (http://i22.photobucket.com/albums/b324/Winiroo/hug.gif)
Title: winiroo
Post by: ScottJay on April 20, 2008, 08:05:45 pm
thanks so much. that did cheer me up a bit. SO my numbers arent that bad? the clinical definition of AIDS is a t-cell count of less than 200 or a cd4 percentage of 14 or lower. 20% is not far off that mark, and that is what I cant get out of my mind.
Title: Re: Today I could use some cheering up.
Post by: Winiroo on April 20, 2008, 08:19:13 pm
You just have to remember your body is working overtime right now because of all the health problems you have had recently. Those numbers don't mean squat until you are back to ship shape order. 

Glad your feeling better babe. Now get better so you can see what your real numbers are.
Title: Re: Today I could use some cheering up.
Post by: thunter34 on April 20, 2008, 08:20:07 pm
Ok.  Tough love time.

Scottie:  What would Jesus do, huh?

Now before everyone starts carping about how rotten I am for throwing SJ’s previous post up to him, I would like to submit that if he can tell all of us to buck up and smile cuz Jesus loves us, I can do the same now.

I don’t mean to dismiss whatever depressive state you might be in over aging and lost time, but consider this:  Yes, getting old sucks.  You know what’s worse?  Not getting old.  And there are several who once graced these boards for which that was the outcome, hon.  And yes, the time lost to HIV also sucks.  You know what’s worse?  Time wasted feeling unnecessarily sorry for yourself.

Look:  If you wanna talk about the more substantial root problems that you seem to have – like perhaps battling BPMD or whatever – I’m all ears.  But I’m not going to pity you for having higher numbers than about half a dozen of our other regular posters stuck together.

And yes, I will say it:  If you really do have as much faith as you have professed, now is the time to draw on it.  If your Savior can hack getting pinned to a plank for you, you can certainly tough it out at 20% and 555 t-cells / undetectable.
Title: thunter:
Post by: ScottJay on April 20, 2008, 08:57:14 pm
Funny you should mention my faith because about a half hour ago I saw a sermon and it cheered me right up. One thing the pastor did say is, even jesus had moments of doubt and weakness like when he asked god "please, if I dont have to bear this burden, please let it pass from me." And there were times when Jesus wept and was in turmoil.

Me, being far more removed from God than Jesus, and being human, will have moments like I had earlier today, and I will not feel guilty about it. If jesus can have a meltdown, so can I.  I think everyone deserves compassion, no matter how ill, or healthy when compared to others. I am not going to deny a man with a cold compassion simply because I have the flu. That's ridiculous.

To be honest, my main concern is for my wife. I dont want her to have to deal with anything happening to me.she would be greatly affected. Sometimes the stress of it all gets to me.

Title: Re: winiroo
Post by: Assurbanipal on April 20, 2008, 09:08:11 pm
thanks so much. that did cheer me up a bit. SO my numbers arent that bad? the clinical definition of AIDS is a t-cell count of less than 200 or a cd4 percentage of 14 or lower. 20% is not far off that mark, and that is what I cant get out of my mind.

Sorry I missed it was a numbers thing.  But hey, while 20% may seem close to 14% its not that far from normal either (31%).  And while the percent is more stable than the absolute count, its not unaffected by the things going on in your life (like the flu).  Feeling pretty good with a lower percent and fewer t-cells here   ;)  , it looks sorta like a normal blip -- but if it is worrying you why not call your doc and ask him/her if you should retest after you are fully over the flu?

Hope this is cheering

A
Title: assurb:
Post by: ScottJay on April 20, 2008, 09:12:54 pm
I am going to wait a month and then do bloods again. I really should feel lucky about my numbers. I have been positive since 1999, have used the same meds for 9 years, and whats more, I did structured interruption therapy (4 months on, 4 months or so off) and havent developed resistance in 9 years. Yeah, i am pretty lucky!
Title: Re: Today I could use some cheering up.
Post by: Miss Philicia on April 20, 2008, 09:19:30 pm
and whats more, I did structured interruption therapy (4 months on, 4 months or so off) and havent developed resistance in 9 years. Yeah, i am pretty lucky!

Do you still do this?
Title: Philly:
Post by: ScottJay on April 20, 2008, 09:24:00 pm
I sure do, and no resistance. My doc is amazed. Before contracting HIV i was into holistic health, herbs and whatnot. If I got sick I took herbs. When I contracted HIV and was told i needed meds, i reluctantly agreed, but insisted on breaks. from 1999 to 2005 with about 8 or so 4 month interruptions, my t cells never went below 500 and my percentage never went below 27%. Then I got herpes from my ex gf and my numbers got a little screwy, resulting in lower percentages, but I am still stable. I pray i never have to take meds on a continual basis, like for a year str8. The longest I have ever been on meds ia bout 5 months. the last break I had was from October 07 to mid december. It was a shorter break than usual because I had a bad cold and decided to go on so my immune system could kick it fast. 
Title: Re: Today I could use some cheering up.
Post by: Winiroo on April 20, 2008, 09:26:25 pm
I've done the break thing too and it sure bit me in the ass. Good luck.
Title: Re: Today I could use some cheering up.
Post by: Miss Philicia on April 20, 2008, 09:28:27 pm
ScottJay, maybe your % would be higher if you didn't do these breaks.  Guess you won't ever know.
Title: Philly:
Post by: ScottJay on April 20, 2008, 09:32:24 pm
the reason my percent was low is because I had the flu. I didnt even want to have bloods drawn earlier this week because I was still slightly ill.

I guess you missed the part when I said my cd percentage was stable, even during breaks UNTIL I GOT A HERPES COINFECTION. I expect when I go get bloods done in a month the percentage will be back up because I am over the flu.

Like i said, 9 years of stop/starting meds, no resistance, and still undetectable.  That has to count for something. Some people never get undetectable. A few years back I had a herpes outbreak and my percentage when down to 15. a few weeks later, when I had bloods redrawn it was right back up to 31%. I expect the percentage to go right back up, but I was still upset
Title: Re: Today I could use some cheering up.
Post by: Miss Philicia on April 20, 2008, 09:33:27 pm
OK, so then you're over worrying right?  I mean 6 hours ago you were suicidal.
Title: Re: Philly:
Post by: thunter34 on April 20, 2008, 09:34:13 pm
I sure do, and no resistance. My doc is amazed. Before contracting HIV i was into holistic health, herbs and whatnot. If I got sick I took herbs. When I contracted HIV and was told i needed meds, i reluctantly agreed, but insisted on breaks. from 1999 to 2005 with about 8 or so 4 month interruptions, my t cells never went below 500 and my percentage never went below 27%. Then I got herpes from my ex gf and my numbers got a little screwy, resulting in lower percentages, but I am still stable. I pray i never have to take meds on a continual basis, like for a year str8. The longest I have ever been on meds ia bout 5 months. the last break I had was from October 07 to mid december. It was a shorter break than usual because I had a bad cold and decided to go on so my immune system could kick it fast. 

Now more than ever, I stand by my previous post.
Title: Philly:
Post by: ScottJay on April 20, 2008, 09:36:19 pm
Yes I feel much better now. I had a 1 minute crying session, told my wife what was on my mind, she held me and told me she loves me and not to worry. Then we went out to eat and had a great time, I came home and saw a sermon by my favorite pastor, and now I am much better.

Thunter also helped me see the bright side. Even after 9 years of infection, I am still doing a lot better than a lot of people in these parts, and that is something to be thankful for.

Also, my wife, she is amazing!
Title: Can I make a suggestion?
Post by: thunter34 on April 20, 2008, 09:49:33 pm
It gets very confusing.
Title: When you keep changing the subject line of your thread with every post.
Post by: thunter34 on April 20, 2008, 09:50:29 pm
It makes it hard to follow and know if you've already seen the thread or what it's about.

Just a thought.
Title: kthxbye!
Post by: thunter34 on April 20, 2008, 09:52:04 pm
TTFN
Title: to Thunter:
Post by: ScottJay on April 20, 2008, 09:53:27 pm
Um, uhhhh, OK. Thanks.

:-)
Title: Re: Today I could use some cheering up.
Post by: thunter34 on April 20, 2008, 09:59:38 pm
Seriously:  I think it bears mention that "Jesus" is a pretty big bat to swing.  And if you're gonna use that, you need to be prepared because people are going to be paying extra eye to you and how you weather adversity.  Just sayin'.

A loving wife, money to go to eat, a home with a TV, good numbers, thinking about a family...

From where I'm sitting, it looks like your God has been pretty good to you, hon.

And I have to say:  I can't help but wonder sometimes what some of the ones who have gone on before us would say if they could look down & see what we let overwhelm us now. 
Title: to thunter
Post by: ScottJay on April 20, 2008, 10:06:29 pm
Like i said, even Jesus has his moments. Also, one has to remember (in my faith) that just as Jesus is for us, there is an enemy who is out to destroy us as well, and sometimes we can allow ourselves to be deceived. Today I succumbed but in the end i triumphed. As I mentioned before, it was the sermon that really uplifted me today, and it let me know that its ok to get down, but to get right back up.

I hope that all the people you say are watching me, and seeing how I behave as a christian see that, a few days ago i posted something uplifting. A few days later, I was down myself, and within that same day I was lifted right back up again. Every christian knows that each day is a struggle. Today I looked to God and he helped me, even through other people. That is a triumph!

:-)
Title: Re: to thunter
Post by: thunter34 on April 20, 2008, 10:11:30 pm
I hope that all the people you say are watching me, and seeing how I behave as a christian see that, a few days ago i posted something uplifting. A few days later, I was down myself, and within that same day I was lifted right back up again. Every christian knows that each day is a struggle. Today I looked to God and he helped me, even through other people. That is a triumph!

:-)

Thunter also helped me see the bright side.

Even through a hellbound Sodomite like lil' ol' me.   ;) 
Title: to thunter
Post by: ScottJay on April 20, 2008, 10:12:31 pm
my god works in mysterious ways.
Title: Re: Today I was down but I am not out!!!!!!!!!
Post by: thunter34 on April 20, 2008, 10:13:54 pm
The maybe He will deliver another miracle and you will stop with that subject line business.
Title: thunter
Post by: ScottJay on April 20, 2008, 10:27:23 pm
that is a minor thing. I simply do business differently. I prefer to post this way.
Title: Re: thunter
Post by: thunter34 on April 20, 2008, 10:38:23 pm
that is a minor thing. I simply do business differently. I prefer to post this way.

and the fact that it confuses others and makes the threads harder for others to follow means nothing to you.

very well.  perhaps if people start collectively ignoring anything you post, you'll learn to be a bit more cooperative with the community at large. 

and a "minor thing" didn't stop you from whining and kvetching here all day, did it?
Title: Re: Today I was down but I am not out!!!!!!!!!
Post by: thunter34 on April 20, 2008, 10:58:14 pm
OK.  Lemme break it down for you, partner - real simple like so you can follow it, ok?

If God doesn't stop you from altering your posts and subject lines, the Goderators will.   You see...we used to  be able to go in and edit and reorganize our posts as we saw fit whenever we wanted to, but certain people kept abusing that freedom to the point that it got taken away from us.  Now, you only have a limited time to so to your posts.  And if you keep carrying on like this and deliberately acting like Miss Contrary Mary on us, they are gonna step in and fix it so that you can't  do it...and none of us will be able to either because of you. 

So maybe you can take a few moments to see beyond yourself and start learning how to cooperate with the rest of us so that we may keep this freedom while we still have it.

Ya dig?
Title: Re: Today I was down but I am not out!!!!!!!!!
Post by: ScottJay on April 20, 2008, 11:04:08 pm
To all the people who Private messaged me, thanks so much. It means a lot, and I am glad seeing my stuggle has helped you in yours. I especially want to thank the catholic gentleman who said he understood every point I made. That meant a lot.

As a general statement, mostly to thunter, I am not here to argue, incite or depress anyone, only to commune and uplift and share.  I will not argue with anyone, be tempted to argue or respond to an argumentive tone. I can see the subtext in the responses of one person in particular, and need it to be known I am not going to entertain it, at all.

Now, I am going to rest in the arms of my lovely wife and thank god for this blessed day. When I woke up this morning, I was in darkness, but by the end of the day, I was in light again, with a smile on my face and pep in my step. A few of you here were responsible for uplifting me. I appreciate that!

Good night all
Title: Re: Today I was down but I am not out!!!!!!!!!
Post by: thunter34 on April 20, 2008, 11:27:23 pm
As a general statement, mostly to thunter, I am not here to argue, incite or depress anyone, only to commune and uplift and share.  I will not argue with anyone, be tempted to argue or respond to an argumentive tone. I can see the subtext in the responses of one person in particular, and need it to be known I am not going to entertain it, at all.

I have no interest in arguing with you either.  In fact, I have remarkably little interest in communicating with you at all.  I do have an interest, however, in making sure that certain freedoms we enjoy here now are not forever fucked simply because some new kid on the block decides he'll have it all his way, the rest of us be damned. 

And I don't know if you mean me in reference to your statement about subtext above, but I certainly hope not.  I took great pains to craft my posts in the hopes that my positions were made crystal clear.
Title: Re: Today I was down but I am not out!!!!!!!!!
Post by: mjmel on April 21, 2008, 06:29:05 am
Scott, consider having some counseling by a professional.
You appear to be on a roller coaster ride--up, down, up, down--and it's going to run you ragged, eventually.
Often, religious zeal will only serve to confuse a person further if he/she does not own up to the realities and keep perspective balanced. From what I've read of your postings, so far, you seem to be having mood swings which may have been brought on by the cold hard facts of your HIV status.
The reality is: HIV is manageable but it's still an effort or struggle, now and again.

Mike
Title: Re: Today I was down but I am not out!!!!!!!!!
Post by: ScottJay on April 21, 2008, 07:15:08 am
mmjel:

I am fine. I simply had a bad day. Religious zeal has nothing to do with this, HIV does. I have had it for 9 years. It is faith and love that keep me going.

I dont know how you think religion has blocked my perspective. I am fully aware of what I am dealing with. Oftentimes people knock religion because they cant deal with the fact that religion states there are consequences for actions. I am cool with that. I ACQUIRED HIV. 

As far as professional help, never had it, and am not currently seeking it out. I simply had a bad day. Its over now, its Monday, and I feel great.

Thanks for the advice though.

thunter: you say you have no interest in communicating with me, yet have Private Messaged me four times. Why do you think i didnt respond to your last, out of order, prying message?

mmmm, ok. I am pretty much done.
Title: Re: Today I was down but I am not out!!!!!!!!!
Post by: BT65 on April 21, 2008, 08:25:15 am
Oftentimes people knock religion because they cant deal with the fact that religion states there are consequences for actions. I am cool with that. I ACQUIRED HIV. 

Laws of a state provide consequences for actions.  I don't like the concept that I will be burning eternally if I make 'x' choice instead of 'y,' and that there's some faireytale place called ' heaven' reserved for the sinless.  Religion, for my part, is full of confusion and blown-up guilt.  Are you saying HIV is like a punishment?  It's a disease, like any other medical malady. 
Title: Re: Today I was down but I am not out!!!!!!!!!
Post by: BT65 on April 21, 2008, 08:53:33 am
Scott, are you and your wife still planning on having a child?
Title: Re: Today I was down but I am not out!!!!!!!!!
Post by: thunter34 on April 21, 2008, 08:58:55 am
thunter: you say you have no interest in communicating with me, yet have Private Messaged me four times. Why do you think i didnt respond to your last, out of order, prying message?

mmmm, ok. I am pretty much done.

Yeah....you pretty much are done.  Or soon will be, I suspect. 

Listen up, pumpkin:  I PM as many new members as possible in the interest of welcoming them into the fold.  Ask around...I'm rather known for it.  And I'm quite sure many people would come forth to testify that, yes, I was the first one to extend a welcome to them here.  It's my way of paying forward a kindness that was shown to me when I first arrived.  That said, I've learned all I need to know about you and then some. 

And I now fully reiterate my position that I want as little to do with you as possible. 

And anything I asked of you was based in response of your original questioning of me.  Oh...that and the fact that you and your story sure do sound awfully, awfully familiar. 

And that's the xtente of it.

Title: Re: Today I was down but I am not out!!!!!!!!!
Post by: Florida69 on April 21, 2008, 03:39:08 pm
Scott I totally like your style, and have to say that I have read most of your posts and find them uplifting.  Although, I do not practice religion (I grew up southern baptist and have read the bible and believe in God) I feel like my relationship with God belongs to me. I can appreciate that many people find solace in their religion, as I can see that you do.  KUDOS for that.  Also, when a member is bothering you and you want to ignore them there is an ignore button just for those people.  I am glad you are feeling better.  Remember that a CD4 (according to my doctor) above 500 is pretty much normal.  Happy Monday to you, have a great day.. D

By the way, welcome to the forum..
Title: Re: Today I was down but I am not out!!!!!!!!!
Post by: ScottJay on April 21, 2008, 08:33:34 pm
florida: thanks for your vote of confidence. I try not to offend others with my beliefs, and only try to uplift.

bettystacy: we are trying to have a child. so the answer to your question is "yes." And whether I think HIV is a punishment? I think it is the effect of a cause. I am not going to get all judgmental and say that HIV is this or that. All I will say is that it is an effect that was created by a cause or action. Just like a cold or any other occurrence. A series of events leads to a result or effect.
Title: Re: Today I was down but I am not out!!!!!!!!!
Post by: edfu on April 21, 2008, 08:57:36 pm
Oftentimes people knock religion because they cant deal with the fact that religion states there are consequences for actions.  


And whether I think HIV is a punishment? I think it is the effect of a cause. I am not going to get all judgmental and say that HIV is this or that. All I will say is that it is an effect that was created by a cause or action. Just like a cold or any other occurrence. A series of events leads to a result or effect.

Scott, this seems contradictory.  I would propose that religion is completely unnecessary to understand that there are "consequences for action."  Reason alone--sometimes just common sense--will tell you that.  If people knock religion, it may be because religion claims to be the only valid method to understanding that events lead to a result, and because religion presumes to assign its own assigned belief-system values to "events."   You push a rock; it will move.  You don't need religion to tell you that.  You have unsafe sex; you might acquire HIV.  Religion doesn't tell us that; medical science does. 
Title: Re: Today I was down but I am not out!!!!!!!!!
Post by: ScottJay on April 21, 2008, 09:07:09 pm
edfu:

I am not going to turn my post into a debate on religion. People hate religion, I get that. But, it works for me and millions of others. I say to each his own, lets forget about whether HIV is or isnt this or that, and just get on with living.

I am here to share my experiences and uplift.

I am not going to debate my or any religion. I love God and try to follow his Word. That is all I will say. 
Title: Re: Today I was down but I am not out!!!!!!!!!
Post by: Miss Philicia on April 21, 2008, 09:14:11 pm
And whether I think HIV is a punishment? I think it is the effect of a cause. I am not going to get all judgmental and say that HIV is this or that. All I will say is that it is an effect that was created by a cause or action. Just like a cold or any other occurrence. A series of events leads to a result or effect.

I thought HIV was a virus.  What are you talking about here?
Title: Re: Today I was down but I am not out!!!!!!!!!
Post by: edfu on April 21, 2008, 09:17:31 pm
Today I am down in the dumps. I got my bloods back. t-cells 555, vl undetectable, cd4% 20. The percentage has me bummed! and I feel like crap.

I dont know where my life is going. I am sick of being sick. If only I had the strength to achieve my dreams. 

I guess we have different definitions of "uplift."
Title: Re: Today I was down but I am not out!!!!!!!!!
Post by: ScottJay on April 21, 2008, 09:21:11 pm
edfu:

if you check my other posts, not just this one, but a different one where I say i want people to hold on and fight and not give up, you will see many people said "thank you, that is very uplifting."

Philly: HIV is in fact a virus. You are right. But I wasnt born with HIV. 

:-)

Title: Re: Today I was down but I am not out!!!!!!!!!
Post by: BT65 on April 21, 2008, 11:27:28 pm
edfu:

if you check my other posts, not just this one, but a different one where I say i want people to hold on and fight and not give up, you will see many people said "thank you, that is very uplifting."

Philly: HIV is in fact a virus. You are right. But I wasnt born with HIV. 

:-)



Yes, edfu might find many things about your other posts interesting, especially if he knew your real posting history.

HIV is a virus, yes.  So is the flu, which I wasn't born with either. 
Title: Re: Today I was down but I am not out!!!!!!!!!
Post by: edfu on April 21, 2008, 11:58:11 pm
Betty:

I'm very aware of ScottJay's posting history, which is precisely why I felt the need to comment.  This is someone who, on April 16, posted:

"Keep your chin up people and be sure to love yourselves at all times, and that includes encouraging yourselves as well.  Don't blame yourselves, beat yourselves up or mourn over the past, just know that all things are possible!"

Four days later he posts:

Today I am down in the dumps. I got my bloods back. t-cells 555, vl undetectable, cd4% 20. The percentage has me bummed! and I feel like crap.

I dont know where my life is going. I am sick of being sick. If only I had the strength to achieve my dreams. Also, I just turned 40. Maybe that has something to do with it as well. I have been infected since 30, and I feel like I lost a lot of years due to being in shock for a few years.

He denies he needs professional help, or refuses to consider it, but I have never seen a better example of bipolar disorder.  I can only wish he would seek the help he needs, because the "word of God" just isn't working for him, as much as he claims it is.   
Title: Re: Today I was down but I am not out!!!!!!!!!
Post by: Matty the Damned on April 22, 2008, 12:09:36 am
Sez Edfu:

He denies he needs professional help, or refuses to consider it, but I have never seen a better example of bipolar disorder.

Ok. Now we need to take great care. This is the internet, not a clinical setting. Diagonising/labeling someone as having a serious psychiatric condition like bipolar affective disorder is just not on. It cannot be done over the net, is grossly irresponsible and more than a bit insulting.

I'm sorry Ed, but let's get some perspective here.

MtD
Title: Re: Today I was down but I am not out!!!!!!!!!
Post by: edfu on April 22, 2008, 12:24:17 am
Matty, sorry, I was expressing a personal opinion, but how else do you explain the enormous disconnect between the two postings, just four days apart, which are completely contradictory?  I will also admit that his introduction of God and Jesus into his discussion may have prejudiced my thoughts.  I don't have much patience for that sort of discourse.  This is not an excuse, but I find it interesting that mjmel seems to have the same thoughts about this as I do.   
Title: Re: Today I was down but I am not out!!!!!!!!!
Post by: Matty the Damned on April 22, 2008, 12:52:58 am
Ed,

Respectfully we don't have to explain these things. You're not a psychiatrist. Mike is not a psychiatrist. This forum is not a psychiatric hospital.

More importantly, Why are we talking about Scotty like he's some object to be diagonsed? He's not. He's a person with feelings and all that other icky stuff. How would you feel if a whole load of people here started having a conversation around you which involved diagnosing you with a psychotic condition?

Pretty unhappy I'd warrant.

So what if he's introduced god and Jesus into a discussion that he started? It's his thread. These things pertain to him. If you don't like that discourse do what I've done and stay away from it. As you know I'm a notorious, fire breathing militant atheist of the first stripe, but that doesn't mean I've got any right to come into this guy's LW thread and start giving him a hard time about his religious beliefs.

MtD
Title: Re: Today I was down but I am not out!!!!!!!!!
Post by: edfu on April 22, 2008, 01:22:18 am
How would you feel if a whole load of people here started having a conversation around you which involved diagnosing you with a psychotic condition?

Well, this has actually happened, and it didn't bother me much at all, especially since I admitted as much myself in my posting.

I also admitted my prejudice in this instance, but I wasn't giving him a hard time about his religious beliefs so much as I was giving him a hard time about his denial.

Be that as it may, I understand your position, and I will respectfully withdraw from further comments here and once again express my apologies.         

 

 
Title: Re: Today I was down but I am not out!!!!!!!!!
Post by: ScottJay on April 22, 2008, 07:24:38 am
Edfu:

The sad thing is that you give me a hard time at all. As I mentioned, every day is a struggle in the life of people, and in my view, especially people who are trying to do the right thing

. Jesus healed people, shared the word of god with them, and a few days later, just before his real test was to begin, he went into a garden and cried to that same god asking him to spare him from the test. I guess that makes jesus bipolar too huh? Or anyone else who has had a meltdown

See, you want to pick a fight. Instead of saying "nice to see you bounce back scotty" you move to the negative and diagnose me with awful diseases, and imply that my faith is a sham.  That's sad on your part, to see that you have a bent towards destroying someone and putting negativity out there.

Matty, thanks for you kind words. Much appreciated!

Title: Re: Today I was down but I am not out!!!!!!!!!
Post by: Winiroo on April 22, 2008, 12:47:50 pm
but how else do you explain the enormous disconnect between the two postings, just four days apart, which are completely contradictory?  

I have no desire to get into a debate but the guy isn't a robot.
I may be a little less conventional than some people and I am a woman but I don't have a psychiatric disorder or chemical disorder.
I say that because I know I can totally have a happy go lucky Monday and on any other day of the same week I could be boo hoo Sally.
Its human.

enough said...

(http://i22.photobucket.com/albums/b324/Winiroo/kissing_lips.gif)

Title: Re: Today I was down but I am not out!!!!!!!!!
Post by: Jeff G on April 22, 2008, 04:16:53 pm
   Yep ...Me too Wendy  ;D
Title: Winiroo
Post by: ScottJay on April 22, 2008, 05:16:53 pm
Thanks so much. You are kind wonderful and supportive. You have an amazing spirit. Thanks so so much for your kind words and most of all, your understanding.