pregnant, scared, but convinced

[jbowles]

Hi everyone, I just wanted to say that I think everyone here has such courage and I have the most respect for all of you. I am a 30 year old female. I have been happily married for a year and my husband and I recently found out we are having a baby. It seems all is right with the world but.......   before I married my current husband I was married to a man for three years who was an alcholic and and addict. He used needles and was constantly unfaithful to be with other addicts. I went yesterday for my first OB appointment and I know HIV is checked for in the labs. I am terrified yet convinced that I have HIV. I havent had any symptoms but I know that does not have anything to do with it. I am a smart woman and I know as much as my ex fooled around and how careless he was with his addiction, there is a very slim chance I do not have HIV. He was never checked and I never got anything else during the relationship but I know that his lifestyle but us at great risk. I have been spending the past few weeks doing research and trying to prepare myself for that dreaded phone call telling me to come back to the clinic for bad news. I have discussed my fears with my husband and he says not to worry and that even if I have it, we will get through it. I know that sounds great but he is the type to stick his head in the sand and I truly beleive if I do have this virus, he would blame me or leave me, whether he had it or not. I feel like my life is falling apart.
I guess right now, I am just looking for some moral support. Im not sure what I need to hear but I know that my risks are high and I know that all I can do is pray. I just feel like I need a pep talk, so I can contine on with with life and not completely fall apart.

[Andy Velez]

Dear J,

I'm very glad you have found your way here. Let's take one step at a time. Despite your certainty that you will test positive, which is how everyone who comes here "feels," nevertheless you haven't tested positve as of yet. So let's see what happens with your test. Fingers crossed for you here.

And IF you do test positive, I can tell you with confidence there are measures to be taken which are very effective in preventing transmission to a baby in utero.

So let's wait for your result now. Keep us posted.

Hoping for good news from you.

Cheers.

[jbowles]

Andy, thank you for your kinds words and support. The ironic thing is that I was watching the news just now and Lady Gaga was on talking about AIDS/HIV awareness and I was eating some doritos a few days ago and read the back which had Marvelyn Brown on it covering her HIV+ status and works to get people tested. I feel like there are signs everywhere telling me to be prepared for a HIV positive result. I have never prayed so hard in my life. I have never been one to think that someone infected with the HIV virus was a bad person or an 'unlean' person. I just know the stigma and health problems involved and dread having to face them in a small country community where I think I will surely be shunned.
When I was 21 I worked in a radiology emergency clinic and a woman came in. When her paperwork came across it was written at the top HIV+. I remember looking at her and trying to control my tears because I knew she must be going through so much and wishing I could just wave a magic wand and make her better even though I had never seen her before in my life. This memory still sticks with me and I wonder how many people will think this same thought when one day they get my paperwork with those words written across it or how many people will run from me in fear.

[Andy Velez]

Well of course this is very much on your mind right now. That's understandable. But while you are waiting for your test result, I urge you to focus on other things in your life. That may sound impossible to do, but it is possible. Doing that will help the waiting time to pass much more easily than you may imagine.

You can also use prayer and making lists of things for which you are grateful in your life. By and by you will have your result and one way of the other, life is still going to go on and is still going to include much to be grateful for.

So wherever you are writing from, get outside and look at the day. And the sky. Look up at it.

Awaiting your result with best wishes.

[jbowles]

I do want to add one more thought that is not related to HIV. I know this may not be the correct site for this speech however I see there are many guests online and many have already read this post and I feel compelled to add this. My ex was not only an addict and alcholic but he was abusive, very abusive to me and my young son. I allowed this abuse to go on for three years and I always made excuses for him. I kept believing that God wanted me to help him and that is why HE brought us together. In the end all it did was destroy me, damage my son, and leave me possibly with a virus that has no cure. I want to say to anyone who is reading this that may be in the same situation or knows someone in this situation. IT is NEVER ok for someone to abuse you. You may love this person and Im not saying that it is wrong to want to help someone with an addiction but there comes a time that enough is enough and you begin to lose who YOU are! I struggle every day with the guilt when I look at my son and see how he is still struggling to live a normal happy life. Anytime my husband, who is in no way abusive, even tries to play with him or wrestle with him, he cries and freaks out. I know my child lived in fear, and still has issues with fear of men and I know this is my fault. If only I had walked away as soon as I knew it was going nowhere. If only I had walked away the first time he stole the money and stayed gone for days high and came back in a violent rage and took it out on us........ IF ONLY! I want to reach who ever I can that is going through this and tell them TO LEAVE. Dont put yourself or your children through it, it isnt worth the pain and struggle to find yourself again and for those coming out of this situation, it is hard to learn to live again. It is hard but not impossible by any means!
If my test comes back positive it will be an even bigger struggle to close this chapter because I will always know it came from him but I will try my best. I guess thats all we can do.

[jbowles]

its been a week and my results should be back. I called yesterday but did not recieve a phone call back. I do not know if this is good for bad or if they were just too busy. I will call again today. My husband left today to go out of town for work and will be gone for about a week. We have been at each others throats. He blames me and tells me its all my fault that we are in this situation to start with which I agree he is right. However, he has never been tested and I told him you cant tell if someone has HIV just by looking. He says all his exes had enough sense not to sleep with someone who has the virus. I swear sometimes he blows my mind.

I have some questions. In a first OB appointment, would they call you if something came back positive? What happens afterwards?

How bad are the meds and side effects and i know we could not afford them so how would be get access to them if we did test positive?

Also, i do bleieve it is possible that he might test negative even though I might be positive. Can a relationship be maintained between partners with difrrent statuses?

[jbowles]

The nurse just called me and its NON REACTIVE! Thats negative. Praise God! You guys and girls are wonderful and so strong in this cruel hard world. I have SO much respect for you and your strenght and courage. I could never be so strong! Thank you so much for being here for me and I will continue my research and support for HIV and a CURE!

[Andy Velez]

Well that is certainly the best possible news.

Now you need to learn from your experience. You can have intercourse with anyone you want to but no matter who it is, the guy has to wear a condom everytime. No exceptions. Period.

And that's what you need to do until if and when you find yourself in a securely monogamous relationship in which both partners have tested negative together at a reliable testing point.

Good luck to you.