Emotional Loss Of My Dentist

[tednlou2]

He's not dead, but he is leaving for Pennsylvania where he's from.  Due to extensive work, we have spent so much time together over the last year.  He is just an awesome guy and knew about my HIV.  I've heard many awful stories about other's experiences with their dentists or dentists refusing to see them.  He made me feel like a "normal" person.  When I first went to him, I was afraid he would be very nervous over the virus.  He was just the opposite.  I sometimes felt he was not being careful enough like grabbing my chin, which had blood on it--albeit dried, with his bare hand.  He would ask me how I'm doing and would talk to me about HIV and dental health.

This morning was my last appointment with him.  He again asked me how I'm doing and said he thought I've seemed down the last few appointments.  I replied saying it is the ups and downs of being poz.  When I was leaving, he gave me a big hug and whispered in my ear, "Everything will be okay."  Well, I broke down crying and I could tell his eyes were watering up.  He said he wants to keep in contact.  Yes, I think I have a man-crush on him, but it goes way beyond that.  He gave me that hug and whispered that in front of the other patients in the waiting room.  When I broke down crying, I'm sure they all wondered what was going on.  I had to get out of there to avoid the ugly cry in front of everyone.  I told him if I'm in PA, I'm coming to him for a cleaning. 

At my HIV Clinic, we just lost the director who was the only doc who's specialty is HIV.  I was trying to get her as my doc.  Her patients loved her, too.  She would develop relationships with her patients and knew all about them.  She would take time to ask her patients how they were doing and listen, and not just tell them what their labs were and send them on their way.  When it was learned they were getting rid of her due to internal politics, several of her patients showed up to a meeting to protest and many were so upset and crying.  I showed up as well. 

It is a huge lesson to not settle if you're not happy with your dentist or doc.  I know many don't have the option to be picky and are stuck with who they get--if they can even find a doc in their area.  And, I'm sure there are some who don't want to be friends with their docs.  They want to get in and get out.  For me, I want a doc who asks me questions and gets to know me and I'm not just another number. 

[max123]

hi ted,

a heartfelt story exemplifying the little things in life that mean so much...thanks for sharing. hopefully you were wearing waterproof mascara  cheer up...

[skeebo1969]

  Teddy,

     It's all right to cry, crying get's the sad out of you.  It's all right to cry, it might make you feel better!

     Raindrops from your eyes, washing all of the mad out of you....

     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KqFuhCfb3Fk

[metekrop]

I wonder why you guys tell your pos status except your HIV doctor?  Do you think it is relevant.  I don't tell to anyone unless it is essential to tell to others.  It does sometimes bad.

TKS

[WillyWump]

This morning was my last appointment with him.   When I was leaving, he gave me a big hug and whispered in my ear, "Everything will be okay."  Well, I broke down crying and I could tell his eyes were watering up. 

IDK, this sounds like a bad break up. Are you sure there isnt something else going on here? How do you get so intimate with your dentist? I only see my detnist every 6 months or year, and then we hardly say 5 words to each other, maybe its my bad breath, dunno.

-W

[leatherman]

I wonder why you guys tell your pos status except your HIV doctor?  Do you think it is relevant.

of course, it could be relevant to tell your dentist. the guy is a doctor after all and might prescribe antibiotics before doing dental work or pain medications. Not telling any of your doctors your medical history (including something as important as HIV and the meds you are on) could lead to serious problems and/or improper medical treatment.

[hotpuppy]

I wonder why you guys tell your pos status except your HIV doctor?  Do you think it is relevant.  I don't tell to anyone unless it is essential to tell to others.  It does sometimes bad.

TKS

that's a load of crap.

1. Dental care is different for HIV and your dentist needs to know.
2. Dental work nearly always involves blood, and he has a right to be informed.  It's just the decent thing to do.
3. Drug interactions with sedatives and novacaine,etc are important.... I suppose you are going to tell him you take Atripla for the dreams? 

[hotpuppy]

IDK, this sounds like a bad break up. Are you sure there isnt something else going on here? How do you get so intimate with your dentist? I only see my detnist every 6 months or year, and then we hardly say 5 words to each other, maybe its my bad breath, dunno.

-W

Maybe he is just awestruck by your arms.... woof!

[hotpuppy]

Yes, I think I have a man-crush on him, but it goes way beyond that. 

Unfortunately for most fantasies, dating or screwing the patient is a cardinal ethics violation.  You can't be impartial in care when you get involved.

See American College of Dentristry Ethics Handbook:

Quote: Dating patients-
Dentists should not use their position of influence to solicit or develop romantic relationships with patients. Romantic interests with current patients may exploit patients’ vulnerability and detrimentally affect the objective judgment of the clinician. In such a case, the dentist should consider terminating the dentist-patient relationship in an arrangement mutually agreeable to the patient. Dentists should avoid creating perceptions of inappropriate behavior.

http://acd.org/ethicshandbook.htm

Further - Under Harassment:
The dentist must avoid conditions or actions that promote harassment or abuse of staff, patients, or other related parties. Sexual harassment may be the most familiar form, but harassment may also be physical, verbal, or psychological in nature. Sexual advances, sexually explicit or offensive language, sexually offensive materials, inappropriate physical contact, and actions of a related nature are indefensible and must be avoided.

The dentist must be aware of signs of harassment and must strive to eliminate it from the workplace. A superior-subordinate relationship is often associated with cases of harassment. Dentists must be careful not to misuse their inherent positional power. Harassment may also exist between parties not involving the dentist. The dentist must take appropriate corrective action when conditions favoring harassment exist or when harassment is recognized. Patients and staff are to be treated with respect. The dentist must avoid creating a hostile work environment by giving tacit approval to conditions or actions that may be interpreted as offensive or abusive. The dentist must be aware of laws and regulations that govern harassment.

Sorry to bust your balls on this one.... I realize it's a fun fantasy, and my dentist is gay, hot, and nice.  But I would be appalled if it didn't stay professional. 

[jkinatl2]

Why bother using a health professional if you are going to lie to them about a potentially serious underlying health issue? Free up the resources for people who actually care about their health.

I told my dentist because I don't want to get an undiagnosed infection that could, at the very least, cost my my teeth - worst case, my life.

Yes, there is the blood issue. But that is NOT why I disclose. He is supposed to use universal precautions.

I tell my eye doctor because, like the vast majority of HIV positive persons, I have been diagnosed with CMV. Thus far latent and a non-issue, but she checks me more carefully to make certain. Sooner I start treatment if it ever flares up, the less likely I am to go blind or die.

Seriously, some people's logic where HIV is concerned escapes me.

[hope_for_a_cure]

Ted,  Its obvious you had a strong bond with this guy, sorry to hear he will no longer be treating you.  As with all things in life, ready or not, the next chapter will unfold.  I bet it was a bit emotional but I am also very sure other dentists have the ability to be as understanding as he is with HIV+ patients.  I hope you find one that can come close.

The main thing is getting proper dental care from whomever that may be. 

[Rev. Moon]

Tedderz, this is... uh... tragic.

[Matty the Damned]

Tedderz, this is... uh... tragic.

In every sense of the word.

MtD

[WillyWump]

It's such a touching story....the dentist whispering in his ear "Everything will be ok".

It's perfect for the Lifetime Channel.

[Miss Philicia]

It's such a touching story....the dentist whispering in his ear "Everything will be ok".

It's perfect for the Lifetime Channel.

Oh, I fully agree -- instead of Sally Fields in Not Without My Daughter we'll watch endless runs of Theodora Tedderz in Not Without My Dentist.

[hotpuppy]

Yes, there is the blood issue. But that is NOT why I disclose. He is supposed to use universal precautions.

You are correct on universal precautions.  I think it just shows respect to be up front about the real risk.  Of course in my case, I have known my dentist for over 10 years, used to work for his ex, and think of him as an acquaintence.  I've sent my ex, my ex's parents, my mom, and several employees to him.  Thus while our relationship is professional, I still think he is entitled to know. 

Him and his assistant are both very professional.  They were protective glasses, which I don't recall them doing in the past (pre-hiv). 

As a bonus to being up front, my dentist is more attentive.  I go in for cleanings quarterly, at my insistance because I've always had a problem with plaque buildup.  I'd rather have a cleaning then another root canal. 

[tednlou2]

It's such a touching story....the dentist whispering in his ear "Everything will be ok".

It's perfect for the Lifetime Channel.

In every sense of the word.

MtD

Oh, I fully agree -- instead of Sally Fields in Not Without My Daughter we'll watch endless runs of Theodora Tedderz in Not Without My Dentist.

Now, I know you guys wouldn't be making fun of an emotional moment, would you?  I wouldn't expect any less here  .  I know it does seem silly to be so emotional over a dentist. 

A very wise person here sent me a private message.  He said being so emotional about it was probably due to disclosing to him and my being uncomfortable with my status.  He went on to say I would find strength once I totally accepted my status.  I'm paraphrasing.     

 

[tednlou2]

Just thought I'd share the Facebook exchange between my dentist and me.  Maybe it will shed light on why I was emotional. 


I just wanted to thank you for being such a great dentist. I didn't get a chance to tell you, so I thought I'd look you up here. You have such a great personality and bedside manner. More importantly, you made me feel like any other patient. I know you know what I’m talking about without my having to say it. I’ve heard from so many others in my situation who have said they were treated coldly or made to be the last patient of the day with their dentists. I’ve had several say they were not accepted as patients and turned away. I had those fears when I first came there, but they were quickly squashed.

When I heard you were leaving, I found the news very sad.  I wanted to tell you this in person, but as you know I was already emotional.  Many would think that sounds silly to be emotional about a dentist you've only known since last Fall. However, as you can imagine, many in my situation can face a lot of stigma, fear, and rejection. And, I can understand some of that. Plus, you are 1 of only 3 people who know about my situation--except my doctor. You didn't reject me and I never felt you treated me any differently than any other patient.

I’m starting to get my life back on track. I actually worked in TV news at WAVE 3 and WLKY.  I never mentioned that to you.  However, after learning my diagnosis, I left all that. It is people like you who give me encouragement to get back into life and know there are good people out there. Plus, having a great smile really helps. I have come to understand why people with dental issues withdraw from social things and life.

I wish you and your wife all the best back home and in your new practice. That practice is so lucky to be getting you—and your wife. She is so nice and comforting, too. Actually, everyone in the office is so nice and upbeat. While I know your patients here want to keep you here, I know they, like me, wish you much success and happiness back home.

You have been the best doctor I’ve ever had—dental or medical. I will never forget your compassion and kindness. I only hope I can pay it forward in some way. Now, before this sounds anymore sappy or man-crushy, I will go. I'm sure if any of my friends read this, they would make fun of me. I would make fun of me if I didn't know the reason you had an impact on me. You know whoever my new dentist is, I’ll be comparing them to you.

All the Best!
Ted

His Reply:

 Ted, hey buddy! I just wanted to tell you how much of an impact your letter has had on me as a professional and person. I never received such a nice compliment in my career. I have enjoyed all our appointments together and hate to leave right when we are almost to the finish line. I wish all my patients were as kind and fun as you. I also wish Ashley and I could have gotten to know you on a personal basis even more. Good luck to you in the future and keep me updated on here. We just packed up our house here in St. Matthews and next stop Philadelphia, PA. Have a cold beer for me and keep in touch!

[Miss Philicia]

Ah, your dental Mr. Romance is moving to Filthydelphia?  Guess I'll have to sink my talons into him and steal him away from you Teddie.

[Matty the Damned]

Now, I know you guys wouldn't be making fun of an emotional moment, would you?  I wouldn't expect any less here  .  I know it does seem silly to be so emotional over a dentist. 

Teddy, do you really think we're so base as to make fun of such a profound relationship? Of course not!

Why, I had a similar thing going on with a podiatrist. It broke my heart when he left the Boolaboolabongbong Same Day Foot Care and Cat Spaying Clinic. Reaching my toes over this gargantuan belly is such a heart break.

I feel your pain.

MtD

[tednlou2]

Ah, your dental Mr. Romance is moving to Filthydelphia?  Guess I'll have to sink my talons into him and steal him away from you Teddie.

If we can get that wife out of the way, I think he would be game.     

[tednlou2]

Teddy, do you really think we're so base as to make fun of such a profound relationship? Of course not!

Why, I had a similar thing going on with a podiatrist. It broke my heart when he left the Boolaboolabongbong Same Day Foot Care and Cat Spaying Clinic. Reaching my toes over this gargantuan belly is such a heart break.

I feel your pain.

MtD

I seriously almost pissed my pants over the "Boolaboolabongbong Same Day Foot Care and Cat Spaying Clinic."  I love good humor.  My friend was over tonight and was wearing this "Transformers" shirt that was waayyy too small.  I asked him whether the shirt could transform into an XL.  We both cracked up laughing.  We thought it was funny anyway.

Edited for spelling

[Matty the Damned]

I love good humor.  My friend was over tonight and was wearing this "Transformers" shirt that was waayyy too small.  I asked him whether the shirt could transform into an XL.  We both cracked up laughing.  We thought it was funny anyway.

Edited for spelling

A transformers tee? You should write that one down and tell it at dinner parties.

MtD

[skeebo1969]

If we can get that wife out of the way, I think he would be game.     

 You already disclosed to him, so the hard part is outta the way.  Knocking off his wife should be a piece of cake. Have you ever heard about that girl on Long Island?

[tednlou2]

A transformers tee? You should write that one down and tell it at dinner parties.

MtD

I did think it would have been a good line for "Karen Walker". 

[Matty the Damned]

I did think it would have been a good line for "Karen Walker". 

Who? Is she your beard ex-wife?

MtD

[hotpuppy]

I guess it's safe to assume that "Ashley" is not his pet iguana. 

[wellington]

Mental note: Matty has not heard of Will & Grace *gasp*

More to the point, it's very refreshing to hear that not all practitioners are cold and apathetic. I've had similar success with health care professionals. The list of 'bad' ones is indeed short, and I refuse to suffer them over the long term. Kudos to you for taking the time to actually express how you felt about your dentist's support. We need more relationships like this one on this fucked up rock of 6 billion+.

w

[darkerpozz]

I think hot water transformed it into a small or extra lbs transfromed it into a shirtini...

[TC]

I know how you feel regarding being treated as normal at you dentist.
A few years ago I went along to a dentist and as a matter of course informed him of my status - he refused to treat me and treated my HIV- partner as though he had the plague.
Such differential treatment BTW is totally against the Dental Treatment guidlines here in the UK.

Because of this refusal to treat I went to my Consultant at the Hospital and informed him of the incident.
He immediately referred me to the Local Dental Hospital, which is part of the Hospital that I attend.
I have had a few dentists there and they have all been superb.

In fact tomorrow I have one of my 6 monthly appointments with the hygenist at the Dental Hospital and I am looking forward to it - as much as anyone looks forward to visiting the dentist  .  He is a real sweet heart and we happen to share the same birthday - so he must have a great personality  .  There is never a suggestion of being a problem on account of my status - And nor should there be.

I should like to know what practitioners do for patients who either don't know their status or who just lie...