Author Topic: Really bad jokes I've heard this week... (Read 6445 times)

David_CA · « **on:** July 13, 2007, 08:17:56 am »

157 years ago California became a state
The state had no electricity
The state had no money
Almost everyone spoke Spanish
There were gunfights in the streets
So basically it was just like California is today except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands

All I ask is a chance to prove money cant make me happy,

They told me I was gullible and I belived them.

One nice thing about egotists... they dont talk about other people.

Is it me, or do Buffalo wings taste like chicken?

It's been a good week for bad jokes around work. Let's hear some others.

DanielMark · « **Reply #1 on:** July 13, 2007, 10:22:54 am »

A director is screen testing Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger for a new film about classic composers. Not having figured out which role to give to whom, he asks Sly who he would like to be.

Stallone says, "I like Mozart. I want to be Mozart."

So the director says, "Very well, you can be Mozart." Then he turns to Arnie and asks, "Arnie, who would you like to play?"

Arnie turns to him and says, "I'll be Bach!"

raroy273 · « **Reply #2 on:** July 13, 2007, 03:28:20 pm »

A woman from New York and another woman were seated
side-by-side on an airplane. The woman from New York
, being friendly and all, said: "So, where are you
from?"

The other woman said, "From a place where they know
better than to use a preposition at the end of a
sentence."

The woman from New York sat quietly for a moment
and then replied:

"So, where are you from, bitch? "

Jody · « **Reply #3 on:** July 13, 2007, 08:59:58 pm »

A man experiences a very thorough security check at the airport and when he is finished the security gurard says "I have good news and bad news"...So the man says "Well give me the good news first"

'Well says the security guard...You will be able to board the plane and get home to your family".

"That's great says the passenger, what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You will be home on time but you have an enlarged prostate".

milker · « **Reply #4 on:** July 18, 2007, 10:54:27 pm »

- Dad I need to shit
- Wait a sec

- DAD! I NEED TO SHIT!
- Can't you wait a sec, damnit

DAD!!!!!!! I NEED TO SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Ok son.. I withdraw..

Milker.

milker · « **Reply #5 on:** July 18, 2007, 10:57:36 pm »

A big truck driver enters a diner, unzips, and throws his huge penis on the counter, and yells "I WANT A STEAK BIG LIKE THIS"
The waitress lifts her skirt and says "And bloody like this?"

Milker.

allopathicholistic · « **Reply #6 on:** July 19, 2007, 12:18:40 am »

Quote from: milker on July 18, 2007, 10:54:27 pm

- Dad I need to shit
- Wait a sec

- DAD! I NEED TO SHIT!
- Can't you wait a sec, damnit

DAD!!!!!!! I NEED TO SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Ok son.. I withdraw..

fucking interruptions!

Queen Tokelove · « **Reply #7 on:** July 19, 2007, 04:00:08 am »

Quote from: milker on July 18, 2007, 10:57:36 pm

A big truck driver enters a diner, unzips, and throws his huge penis on the counter, and yells "I WANT A STEAK BIG LIKE THIS"
The waitress lifts her skirt and says "And bloody like this?"

Milker.

I am so like EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW....

pozattitude · « **Reply #8 on:** July 19, 2007, 06:48:23 pm »

3 old highschool friends meet for lunch and brag about their kids.

Dad #1...my son is so rich and generous, he just bought his best friend a brand new Mercedes
Dad #2...my son is the same way, he just bought his best friend a condo on the beach.
Dad #3...well my son is a gay escort

Dad #1 and #2...man, we are so sorry.

Dad#3...don't be sorry, he is doing great. His best clients just bought him a new Mercedes and a condo on the beach

(edited to actually type the joke)

aupointillimite · « **Reply #9 on:** July 19, 2007, 08:06:06 pm »

Two fish are in a tank. One of them turns to the other and says, "do you know how to drive this thing?"

CaptCarl · « **Reply #10 on:** July 19, 2007, 09:27:51 pm »

What did the fish say when he hit his head on the wall?

"Dam"

The Mother Superior called all of the nuns to a meeting one day.
"Girls," she said, " we I called you all in here to tell you that it has come to my attention that we have a case of Gonnorhea here in the convent."
One of the novices clasps her hands together, and says "Oh thank You Lord. I was getting so tired of chardonnay."

bear60 · « **Reply #11 on:** July 20, 2007, 09:38:05 am »

This joke came from a friend who has had a stroke and is 78. He sends me lots of these "senior" jokes.

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched."STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted " STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him. Harold nodded, and said "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection.

"Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "not the Breathalyzer again"

Iggy · « **Reply #12 on:** July 20, 2007, 07:05:18 pm »

http://tinyurl.com/2gqx8o

bear60 · « **Reply #13 on:** July 27, 2007, 10:27:40 am »

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."

Dachshund · « **Reply #14 on:** July 27, 2007, 10:58:18 am »

Bumper sticker on the back of Osama Bin Laden's car:

MY KID BEHEADED YOUR HONOR STUDENT

allopathicholistic · « **Reply #15 on:** July 29, 2007, 10:23:20 pm »

Two dwarfs went into a bar where they picked up a couple of prostitutes and took them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, was unable to get an erection. His depression was made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he heard his little friend shouting out cries of, “Here I come again. One, two, three...Uuh!” all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asked the first, “How did it go?”

The first dwarf muttered, “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get an erection.”

The second dwarf shook his head and said, “You think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t even get on the bed.”

MoltenStorm · « **Reply #16 on:** July 30, 2007, 10:12:58 am »

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later of naughty fun, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

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Author Topic: Really bad jokes I've heard this week... (Read 6445 times)