A little Poem i wrote after i was just tested Poz Jan 5 2012

[Lifegoeson9]

H is for my hurt
I is for my illness
V is for MY VIRUS
is this really apart of me now
I made my bed now i must lay in it
I wont accept it I can't, How can I
I cant help but wonder if this is the way thats going take me out
Do i got 10 more years or 10 days
I will never Know
I cant let this beat me and I wont
I got to Stay Strong Stay "Positive"(like i have a choice)

[Lifegoeson9]

You guys i really need help...Im so lost right now..My heart feels heavy...Idk wat to do or who to turn to...I just started my walk with God cause truthfully i know hes the only one that can get me threw this but i constantly think Im letting him down because im still gay and I cant help it...I know wat im doing is wrong and this is why i got HIV now because i am GAY but how can i just change something thats i feel is who i am

[WillyWump]

but i constantly think Im letting him down because im still gay and I cant help it

You need to move past this. God loves everyone. Really, he does. Don't let a preacher tell you otherwise.

-W

[Cojo]

God loves all. Period. Anything to the contrary is bullshit. I go to a Christian gay church. It is vibrant, inclusive and progressive. HIV is a virus; it has no moral disposition, no conscience, no beliefs.
I am not an evangelical type, but it sounds like you need to see that another lens and window to know God exists.
www.mcctoronto.com

[softballdude2012]

Hey Life,

I am newly diagnosed, just in July 2012.  Everything is going to be all right.  We are who we are.  God loves everyone. 

You are going to live a long time.  The medication we have now a days is amazing.

Keep your chin up, I have come to the conclusion that God will not give us anything we cannot handle. 

Just put a smile on your face and move forward. 

I'm not happy I have the virus either,  but I do know my life will go on, and it will go on for a very long time, provided I (we) are proactive in taking care of ourselves,

I hope this helped out.  I have ears that listen very well if you ever need to borrow them.

Thanks,
Softballdude2012

[mecch]

Lifegoeson9 - 6 months ago you wrote this poem and its understandable because diagnsis can be a shock.  However, its time you learned a thing or two about the virus. Have you read any of the lessons here?

You are showing many beliefs and some ignorance - all of which are going to lay you down, depress you, and maybe kill you, and it's not HIV.

First of all, you CAN know that HIV is not going to kill you in 10 days or 10 years.  You go to the doctor regularly, watch your numbers, take anti-retrovirals, and so on and so on.  SCIENCE turned HIV into a manageable disease years ago.  Didn't you get that news?  Where do you live? You have doctors?  Will you have medicine when you need it? If so, than your poem and dark musing are just evidence of a fatalistic mentality, ignorance and maybe depression. If you do not have doctors and will not have medicine, you NEED to act aggressively to protect yourself and get access to these.

Your poem is filled with contradictions but that makes sense, because you were confused at diagnosis.

What is worrying is your follow up post, now.   It seems you think you got HIV because you are gay and that it is God's will?  And/or that God pretty much controls everything about your sickness.   Also, it seems that you are thinking that if you stopped being gay, maybe the HIV would go away, or something like that?  I don't know, really, its rather confusing. 

But HIV is not a gay disease - EVERY kind of person can get it - there are 10's of millions of infections in this world - gay straight bi people included.  Men and women.  So stop this idea it is a gay disease or you got it because you are gay.

HIV is a virus.  It has no psychology and no morals. Only people have psychology and morals.  We apply them onto EVERYTHING, and its tiresome sometimes.  And we just hurt ourselves.   

Getting HIV does not say anything about you morally or sexually.  Even if whatever culture you are in has prejudices - yeah sure those are real prejudices -- but they are entirely human and more often than not, flat out wrong!  Completely uninformed.

I think you need to split your HIV+ status from your sexuality by the way.  If for some reason you think you are going to or need to stop being gay, well give that up.  It doesn't happen.  The only thing you could do is stop sex with men.  Or if you were really twisted - get married to a woman just for show, or to fit in, or to play "pretend".  What a waste, what a disaster - for yourself and others. 

If you love being with a man, then thats what you are - a gay man.  You don't need to wear society's label of "gay" if you don't want to, if that's a problem.  Just be a man.  With your sexuality you keep to yourself and your lovers, if you wish.   But still need to be true to yourself and your heart and the sex you want.   

And if you believe you are God's creation - then God made you as you are, my dear.  There have been gay - bi - and straight humans since the species began, by the way - whether you believe it was God or like me, I believe through evolution. 

Work on two things. 

One - accept that you love and desire men, and that's that.  If your society or family or religion has a problem with it - well that is THEIR problem.   Make the best of it anyway for yourself.     

TWO - fight HIV with science.  Don't dilly dally.  Don't be thinking its about faith and God's will.  Baloney.   Medical science isn't even all that challenged these days with most people's cases of HIV.  Its rather mundane.  You take the antivirals and you deal with other health problems that come along.   Stop with the melodrama.

[Common_ground]

Great post Mecch!

[spacebarsux]

You guys i really need help...Im so lost right now..My heart feels heavy...Idk wat to do or who to turn to...I just started my walk with God cause truthfully i know hes the only one that can get me threw this but i constantly think Im letting him down because im still gay and I cant help it...I know wat im doing is wrong and this is why i got HIV now because i am GAY but how can i just change something thats i feel is who i am

If it is God that created you and if God loves and accepts all equally and unconditionally, then he/she loves you just as much as anyone else- for he/she is the one who made you just as you are. Also, if God was so perfect then she/he wouldn't have created HIV at all, but that's beside the point.

It's normal to be sucked into a vortex of doom and gloom in the beginning, but the truth is you'll be fine if you take care of yourself- physically and emotionally.

Hugs and welcome to the forums.

[Cojo]

An excellent post Meech!

[Lifegoeson9]

Thank You Meech..
I really took what you said into consideration
I know its not going be easy but I'm not going give up..
Yes I'm on Meds I take 4 pills every damn day i call them my Pretty Life Death pills
(Truvada, Prezista, Norvir)

But can somebody answer me this how do you guys get threw the day
Living with such a big Secret..I just recently came out last October to my mom and i finally thought i didn't have to hide anymore i could finally be myself...then Jan comes and I'm HIV POS..another secret i have to keep...I just feel so trap with in myself..I feel like there so much going on and nobody cares cause nobody knows what I'm going thru..i don't show when I'm sad or down but i feel it thru my body i know they said stress is what kills us faster but how can you just stop being stress or depress..

I'm sorry if I'm coming across as annoying or emotional i just need advice i just want somebody to support and love me for me.. Would somebody ever want one with this disease??

[mecch]

"Pretty Life Death Pills"   do explain that one!

We don't know much about your lifestyle, family, and where you live, culture, etc., so why don't you explain why having HIV has to be your secret. 

You asked how we can live with such a secret.  In fact, there is every kind of experience represented in this forum.  Many of us do not keep HIV a a lonely secret.  That would be very hard and, if its not necessary for some reason, maybe a bad idea in the long run.  People tell a few friends. Or family.  Or family and friends. Or just a support group.  Or some people just don't keep it a secret at all. 

So maybe you can explain why it has to be secret for you alone, and then we can respond with our thoughts. 

At least you already discovered this forum so we all know you are dealing with living with HIV and its not a total secret. 

[Cojo]

One of the ways I get my head around this is to reflect on what is a secret and what is simply private. Do we tell everyone everything about ourselves? I think it is OK to hold and claim some things as simply private....secret starts to sound more sinister than needs to be. Just a thought