Anyone else feel dead inside?

[phillypinko]

 Sorry if I sound dramatic but I really don't like my life. I tested positive in 92 when I was 20 years old. I lived my life expecting to be dead by now. Now im stuck here. People are not exactly lining up around the block to date or be friends with a bipolar poor man living on disability. If I live another 20-40 years I have poverty, old age and loneliness to look forward to. Not exactly a party. I've spent the last 20 years travelling and having fun so I have a lot of great memories. Just not much of a future ahead.

[BT65]

Philly, I wish I could fill you with hope.  Have you ever thought about volunteering at an agency you favor?  I hope that doesn't sound trite, but I found a few years ago that volunteering somewhere, and helping other people, seemed to life my spirits.  It gives one a sense of accomplishment. 

I've enjoyed reading your posts here, so there's something.  Please continue to post.  We care!

[bear60]

I think we have all been thru this or are going thru this.  I remember everyone running out and charging max on credit cards since they wouldnt be around to have to pay up.   Well, some of us have had to pay up and grow up too. So, I guess this applies to you.  Grow up,  take responsibility for yourself and your situation.  Then change it.

[phillypinko]

Philly, I wish I could fill you with hope.  Have you ever thought about volunteering at an agency you favor?  I hope that doesn't sound trite, but I found a few years ago that volunteering somewhere, and helping other people, seemed to life my spirits.  It gives one a sense of accomplishment. 

I've enjoyed reading your posts here, so there's something.  Please continue to post.  We care!
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Until two years ago I volunteered for Aids organizations in the Philadelphia area. Both of my parents became very ill so I have a full time job looking after them. Having no time to myself is starting to catch up to me.

[BT65]

Philly, I forgot about your parents, sorry.  And I do understand that.  In my parent's last days I took care of them, with my oldest sister.  One thing you can take comfort in is the fact of how much you're appreciated by your parents, whether or not they tell you, and what an important job that is.  And it shows how selfless you are.  Some kids would shove their parents in a nursing home and never visit (I've seen this first-hand).  And I'm not downing children who have to put their parents in a long term care facility because they simply cannot take on that responsibility (so if anyone reading this has had to do that, I'm not downing you). 

Whether or not you realize it, you're very valuable.  As I said, I've enjoyed reading your posts.  If you need to vent about the care of your parents, please vent away.  It can be very demanding.  But don't question your value.  And please continue to post!

[phillypinko]

M parents getting sick has made me realize just how alone im going to be when they die. I have God in my life which helps but have trouble making friends. The friends I do have are not very supportive. I am very anxious. It causes me a lot of pain seeing my parents suddenly so sick and weak.

[atxpozguy]

I feel the same way phillypinko does, dad dying this past February, mom died in 2009.  I am just tired of all the medical issues I experienced over the past 9 months. Myself testing poz back in early 1983 has taken it's toll on my daily activities. I ready to go home to be with my deceased family members as time is running out.   

[phillypinko]

I feel the same way phillypinko does, dad dying this past February, mom died in 2009.  I am just tired of all the medical issues I experienced over the past 9 months. Myself testing poz back in early 1983 has taken it's toll on my daily activities. I ready to go home to be with my deceased family members as time is running out.   

I agree with you. I don't know how these people go on. Im completely rejected everywhere I go by just about everyone I meet. My friends are stereotypical rich malicious gay men. They take sadistic pleasure in other peoples suffering. They sit and laugh and gossip about people losing their homes. Im ashamed to be their friends but can't make new ones. For the reasons I've mentioned a hundred times before no one want s to get to a know a poor 41 year old hiv positive bipolar poor man living in subsidized housing.This is what I have left after my parents are gone. Absolutely NOTHING. The gay life is so horrible I see it as a curse.

[BT65]

A lot of my clients are poor (on disability) and living in subsidized housing.  Do they not have an ASO in your city, that maybe has a support group, where you could meet others in your situation? 

Instead of thinking about how lost you'll be after your parents pass, maybe you shouldn't project.  I know that's difficult and easier said than done, but I find when I project too much, I end up depressed.   Maybe you could try just concentrating on helping your parents, and remember how fortunate you are to have them.  I know when I miss my parents (and I do, trust me), I think about how fortunate I am to have had such wonderful people in my life. 

Not trying to minimize, just trying to get you to look at it a bit differently.