scared/angry/confused, someone help.

[Newyorkguy26]

Well my story goes like this, I'm a 26 yo gay male and I have always practiced safe sex unless with a monogamous partner. I actually have/had a tremendous fear of contracting the HIV virus. Neverless I recently entered into a relationship about 4 months ago (at the end of Feb.) He seemed like the perfect guy, he was sweet, innocent, charming, cute. Pretty much thought I hit the lotto with this one. We had really great relationship until about a month ago when things suddenly changed and he seemed be turning into a obsessed psycho. I had been trying to avoid seeing him for a couple of weeks now, but I couldn't take the constant phone calls, unannounced visits. It was just getting too stressful to deal with. So I decided to end things Saturday, I texted him saying "I think we need a break" He immediately called me screaming and crying saying why, I told him I thought things were moving too fast and I tried to let him down easy and make him feel as though we would work things out. He went into a rage saying that I just want to see other people and crying. I told him I couldn't deal with this and that I needed to go. He kept harassing me over text messages to the point of making me so angry I finally said "yes I am going to fuck other guys, happy?" He then replied "Good, go ahead make sure you tell them your positive" I was really horrified to see it and I immediately called him saying "What are you talking about, that wasn't funny" He replied saying "Well I got tested a month ago and I didn't know how to tell you" and I was like "tell me what?" and he wouldn't say anything he just kept saying "just get tested" I hung up the phone and have been a total mess since then, he keeps texting me saying he was lying and just wanted to hurt me but I don't know what to believe anymore. I want to get tested because of course I'm scared and want some mental relief to know I'm OK, but every clinic I have called only has testing hours 9-5 which are the same exact hours I work. We have had sex multiple times unprotected, me always being the "top" does that make me any less likely to of caught it if he was telling the truth and is HIV positive? I remember there was a couple of times he was bleeding during sex which I had brought to his attention but he kept telling me to keep going. Also another thing that is scaring me is that I used to check his "history" on his Mac book and there would always be google inquiries about HIV symptoms and so forth. IDK if I'm thinking too much or what not. I guess I'm just really really scared and need some advice. What do I do, where do I go. I'm afraid to go to my regular MD because my whole family uses the same doctor and I don't want it to get out if I am positive. I just really really hate him for doing this to me even if he was just trying to hurt me and is negative. Please someone give me some sort of advice. I apologize if my post was long this just happend Saturday and I am still alittle shocked.

[Matty the Damned]

OK.

First thing - paragraphs. Learn to use them. Walls of text like what you've posted above are fucking odious to read.

Sounds to me like your psycho ex is doing a mind trip on you. Nevertheless you should take him seriously. Which means being tested for HIV (and other STDs) 13 weeks from the date of the last time you had unprotected anal sex.

The fact that you were the top reduces your risk considerably, but it can't be ruled out. HIV can certainly be transmitted from an infected bottom to an unprotected top.

MtD

[Andy Velez]

Further to what Matty has said, you need to know that so-called monogamy with someone should not be the basis on which you dispense with using condoms for anal intercourse.

When you and a partner decide you want to be in a securely monogamous relationship together, you both need to get tested at a reliable testing point. Assuming you both test negative at that point, then you can give up using condoms if you choose to. Just saying, "Let's be monogamous" is by itself not enough.

It is significantly more difficult for the insertive partner to get HIV during anal intercourse. But low risk is not the same as no risk, so you do need to get tested. You can do an initial test at 6 weeks. Assuming you are negative, the likelihood is that you will continue to test negative, but you do need to re-test for a conclusive result at 13 weeks.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[Newyorkguy26]

My last situation has been cleared up it looks like my crazy ex was just trying to scare me and nothing resolved from it, i tested negative 2 times since then, the most recent being December 7th. However now I have another question.....

I met up with a guy I had met off the internet mainly because I was bored and well horny. We ended up having mutual masturbation, he rimmed me and I rimmed him, and we blew eachother on and off for about 20 minutes. I didn't notice any precum but I did ask if he precam and he said yes he does sometimes. Anyways, none of that concerned me until he left. I went into the bathroom to rinse my mouth out with listerine and when I spit there was blood mixed in with my saliva. Thinking that this was strange I kept spitting and more and more visible blood was in my spit. I looked around my mouth and on my tongue but didn't see any visible cuts or open sores! I freaked out and rinsed again with listerine this time gargling it!

Given that oral sex is low risk, however I did have blood in my salive which i didn't notice while fooling around with they guy, do you think I have a legitimate risk for transmission? I texted him askin if he was negative and he said yea but you can't trust anyone and I'm worrying alot about this. Can you guys please please please help me out! Thank you!

[Andy Velez]

Longterm studies of sero-discordant couples, (both gay and straight), who had lots of mutual unprotected oral and only protected vaginal and anal intercourse have resulted in not a single sero-negative partner having become infected. Your saliva has over a dozen elements and proteins which very effectively prevent the transmission of viable HIV, if it is present.

We can't diagnose in this setting why you had blood in your mouth after the incident you are concerned about.

If you decide to get tested it would be strictly for your peace of mind and not because I see you as having had a genuine risk. And of course I would expect you to test negative. You will have to decide if you need the inevitable negative test result to let go of this concern.   

[Newyorkguy26]

Hi, I had an encounter last nite that kinda scared me, and I know in the past you guys have helped ease my worries by answering my questions. Basically I had been talking to some guy that I had met online for about a month now, and we decided to meet. We watched a movie and talked at his house and then we started to make out and one thing led to another and we ended up giving eachother oral sex. Which doesn't bother me as much, what bothers me is that when I was giving him head he came in my mouth without even telling me he was close to cumming, and I immediatly spit it out, however my lips were chapped and I have had a canker sore on my top gum area for about a week now. I asked him if he was clean and why he didnt tell me before he came and he said he was clean and that he was in the moment and didnt realize how fast he was gonna cum. Can you guys please tell me if I have had any kind of risk, and if so if I should get tested over this or not. Thanks for your help in advance.

[jkinatl2]

There is no reason to test over this incident. Wear condoms for anal sex and you can avoid HIV. Other STDs, of course, are more robust and you should be getting regular screenings so long as you are sexually active.

Asking someone if he is "clean" is ridiculous. Many people with HIV do not know their status.

Moreover, asking someone if they are "clean" insinuates that having HIV is "dirty." I submit that you are letting your prejudices speak for you here. You should be aware that you are asking a forum comprised almost in entirety of "dirty" people to assess your risk.

I took a shower today. I am not dirty. Nor will I allow someone to insinuate that I am because of a virus.

Please own your own behavior, your won words, and your own attitudes. If you feel uncomfortable with the prospect of having semen in your mouth, I suggest you not put a penis in it. If you feel uncomfortable with the notion of having sex with an HIV positive person, I suggest you not have casual sex, or sex at all, unless and untill you and your monogamous partner are tested together at the appropriate intervals.

[Newyorkguy26]

Thank you for answering my question. And I have ABSOULUTLY no prejudices towards someone who is HIV positive. The terminology of asking someone if they are "clean" is used so rampant in the gay community that I just took it as normalcy. So I apologize if I offended you in anyway.

[jkinatl2]

Thank you for answering my question. And I have ABSOULUTLY no prejudices towards someone who is HIV positive. The terminology of asking someone if they are "clean" is used so rampant in the gay community that I just took it as normalcy. So I apologize if I offended you in anyway.

Sadly you are correct. The whole "clean" thing is used a lot in the gay community. However, as more or less HIV ambassadors, we take it upon ourselves to educate where and when we can. Please spread the word if you will.

Also, its always best to simply assume that each and every encounter you have, and each and every person you meet is HIV positive with a high viral load. Setting the bar for your comfort level there will lead to far fewer stresses in the future.

Avoiding HIV is ridiculously simple. And I suspect that part of the reason for the astonishing rise in infections is the dilution of that message. Please, I urge you, spread the word regarding that as well.

[Andy Velez]

Just to add on a bit to what JK has told you, your saliva contains over a dozen elements and proteins which are very effective in preventing the transmission of viable HIV.

You're good to go this time and there is no need for HIV testing.

[Ann]

NYG,

Here's a video you really need to watch. Read the comments posted below the video too.

(caution - audio portion of the video is NSFW)

The Question

Ann