One Tough Month Later...

[CallmeBjorn]

I just stumbled across this forum.

It's a month since I tested positive.

I'm holding up well, being a naturally optimistic person. Luckily, my early test results suggest I won't need to start treatment yet, and the doctor says I'm very healthy.

But I'm also having a really hard time:

I don't know anyone who's positive (even though I'm an out gay man). I'm desperate for someone to talk to - someone who can relate and who knows what I am going through.

The one or two friends I've told have been great, but I can't help but feel I'm burdening them when I talk to them. I know everything about my life has changed. I wish there was some guidance as to what I should do. I'm mostly alright but keeping in good spirits is tough.

Also, my boyfriend is negative. The relationship is fairly new (less than a year) but we are very much in love. I first assumed we'd break up, since I can't possibly put him at risk. But he's been very loving and all-round great. As a result, there are a lot of complicated emotions (gratitude, love, relief, worry...)

But the very first time we worked up to having sex since the news, the condom broke. This freak incident (never happened to either of us before, but had to happen now) made us realize even "safer sex" may not be as easy as we desperately hoped. Since then I can feel him withdraw slightly, become more tentative. The strain is weighing on us. That this is happening when I finally have fallen in love (after a long long time) feels so... unfair. I don't know how I'm going to get through this.

[Matty the Damned]

Bjorn,

Welcome to AIDSmeds. As is traditional in these cases, let me say that I'm sorry you had to join us but I'm glad you found us all the same. Welcoming a new member is a bittersweet thing.

As you've discovered being poz can be an isolating state, even if you're gay. One of the neat things about our online family is that you relax and socialise, make friends, bitch and whine all from the comfort of your computer desk.

I'd encourage you to peruse our Lessons section to learn more about what is happening and may well happen to you. You'll find the relevant links in the Welcome Thread at the top of this Forum page. Also you might like to read our Living With and Off Topic Forums where we conduct a lot of our business.

As for your partner and the busted rubber, I'd advise you and your sweetie to talk to your HIV doctor about Post Exposure Prophylaxis or PEP. It's too late to have PEP as a result of that incident (PEP must commence within 72 hours of the exposure) and it's very unlikely that your beau has been infected but you should get some info in case of future mishaps.

Fondest regards,

MtD

[next2u]

Matty is one great guy, I concur with his advice. Best of luck to you, and you have come to the right place.

[komnaes]

The one or two friends I've told have been great, but I can't help but feel I'm burdening them when I talk to them. I know everything about my life has changed. I wish there was some guidance as to what I should do. I'm mostly alright but keeping in good spirits is tough.

Hi Bjorn

I wish there was guidance too, but after going through one crisis after another during the past 10 years and finally tested positive recently I now realize that while others can be supportive and understanding, on one but ourselves can be our own guides to lead us.

I have the same feeling about "burdening" my friends at first and I found myself kept apologizing to the them all the time, until one said to me, "well, I fully expect you to act in kind when I need help!", and the other reminded me that I was being very supportive to him a few years ago when his boyfriend committed suicide because of HIV-induced depression. So, that's what friends are for! Give and take.

I am also getting a lot of help from a support group and the trained nurses in a local clinic (I have known them for over 10 years now.. sidebar is that I am also a caregiver to someone who's been poz for over 10 years now), and I will urge you to do the same. When I called the support group I asked to talk to a peer counsellor, and the two sessions I have with him and a social worker have been extremely helpful.

Best wishes, Shaun

[brooklynpoz]

Hello CallmeBjorn,

You have found a family here, that can get you through those rough days and challenges.
I am in a monogamous relationship, going on 4 years with my partner. We both went for a test, just as you did, in the beginning, and I am POZ, he is NEG.
After the dust settled with the news, we talked and talked over and over. We even went to couples therapy. The therapy wasn't pertaining to a bad relationship, or lack of love, it dealt with both our fears.Even before our test, we practiced safe sex, so that was dealt with from the start.
I had a fear of a mishap occurring, and God forbid giving him HIV, and he had his fears, equally, of getting it.
With time, and dedication, we both evolved from that state of mind, and now are on another level.
I am not sure how long you are with your partner, but, the news came to my relationship in it's infancy, which was very very stressing to it.
He could have said, "this isn't for me, I can't deal with it", but HE DIDN'T, he stood by my side, going with me to my doctor, learning, reading up on it, etc.
Both he and I had to do alot of work, which is and was worth it.
By all means, if you want to chat, via email, you are welcome to do so.
Be well, best of luck, health and happiness.

[xyahka]

Hi Bjorn, you can count with us when you need to talk.

I understand things are not easy right now... but everything will calm down in some time, talk to your bf, communication always empower love.

Hugs,

Juan Carlos

[CallmeBjorn]

Folks,

Thanks for your replies; can't tell you how much this means to me.

This is how new I am: How do I reply to some of you individually?

One of you also wrote me the sweetest message directly to my email, but I don't know how to reply (your email wasn't on it, and the message was channeled through the forum and said 'do not reply to this'...)

[Life]

Bjorn, just reply to this message and your ability to private users opens up... I beleive you have to post at least 3 messages before your PM email turns on....

Welcome to Aidsmeds....

Eric

[dtwpuck]

Welcome to the forum, Bjorn.

I don't know where you live, but if you are anywhere near a city of any size, there will be support groups.  You might also be surprised who in your circle of friends is also poz, yet hasn't discussed it with you.

This is not an easy time.  Intimacy with your partner is going to be a rough spot.  It's scary, for both of you.  The best advice one can offer, not knowing either of you, is to keep communicating very clearly about what you are feeliing and thinking.  Remember to tell each other how much you love one another.  And.. rely on that love to help you through this.

It's a rocky road you are heading down.  No one here is going to pretend it's easy.  But, there is a way to find solace, comfort and support.   You can chat with us, get advice, or just vent. 


It's hard to reach out through the Internet.   And, it's OK to look for someone in your own city who is also poz.  Like others have said here; start by seeking out a support group. 

All the best to you,

Scott

[Ann]

Hi Bjorn,

Have a look through the three condom and lube links in my signature line. A correctly used condom rarely breaks.

Ann

[NYCguy]

Hi Bjorn, my BF and I infected each other (doesn't matter who was first, although of course we know) also when our relationship was and still is young - this happened about 1 year ago and we had been together only 1 year.  It's been very difficult and we are still figuring it out, but good friends, good doctors and most importantly, at least for me, a great support group out of which have come several very supportive new friendships, have all helped. 
This forum has also been wonderful.  It sounds like you are doing everything right.