POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: hope_for_a_cure on October 01, 2011, 07:38:27 am
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A childhood friend of mine has a sister who died unexpectedly this past week. She was only 51 and died from a sudden heart attack. Her brother and I were the best of friends while growing up here in this small town and we shared many childhood experiences with each other (i.e., playing in the woods, riding bikes, camping out, etc.). When I moved back to this area last year I made an effort to get in touch with him and his wife and did visit on an occasion or two. The reception from him has been lukewarm at best but thats ok... people grow up and have their own lives and I understand that.
I thought it would be a nice idea to do something for my buddy who just lost his sister so I baked a key lime pie and wanted to take it over to their house. I called him on the phone and his son answered and when I asked to speak with him, he indicated that his dad was busy but his mom was available... no problem... I would gladly speak with her. I mainly wanted to make sure somebody was home so I could take the pie to them. While speaking with her I mentioned that I had baked a pie for them and would like to bring it by if they were going to be home. At that point her husband got on the phone and he mentioned that they were about to head out for a while and it would be best for me to come another time. OK.. here is the 'brush' part. I could hear his wife in the background saying 'we dont need to get AIDS from...' just as he was about to hang up the phone.
I could hardly believe what I heard but do know that I heard those words. WOW. I think I will take it to them anyhow as a good gesture sometime this morning. I feel certain that it will just end up in the trash though.
While this behavior is not that uncommon, its the first time I have had to deal with it personally.
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That was a really thoughful thing for you to do for your friend.
What a response....
Your unfortunate friend appears to be married to a woman who is both ignorant and unkind.
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Sorry you experienced that -- of course, we aren't responsible for the ignorance of others.
Perhaps -- instead of key lime pie -- run out and see the movie "The Help" and then bake a chocolate pie instead................................
Hugs,
M
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Your unfortunate friend appears to be married to a woman who is both ignorant and unkind.
She is generally nice but has some bad information when it comes to the subject of the AIDS.
Perhaps -- instead of key lime pie -- run out and see the movie "The Help" and then bake a chocolate pie instead................................
Hugs,
M
I hear ya Mike! I saw that and do believe that was one of my favorite scenes in the entire movie.
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James, it's unfortunate that some folks still have bad information when it comes to the subject of the AIDS.
even in 2011 , you know what they say " ignorance" is bliss" but "knowledge is powerful"
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James, it's unfortunate that some folks still have bad information when it comes to the subject of the AIDS.
even in 2011 , you know what they say " ignorance" is bliss" but "knowledge is powerful"
I delivered the pie about 30 minutes ago and left a card with it. Nobody was home so that was ok by me. Its a nice cool morning here so it should not spoil before they toss it! Who knows, they may actually eat some of it... she may suggest they microwave it on high for 2 hours first. LOL
I payed my respects and thats all I can do at this point. Come to think of it... my first M2M experience was with her husband when we were kids. She may want to go get tested.
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I delivered the pie about 30 minutes ago and left a card with it. Nobody was home so that was ok by me. Its a nice cool morning here so it should not spoil before they toss it! Who knows, they may actually eat some of it... she may suggest they microwave it on high for 2 hours first. LOL
I payed my respects and thats all I can do at this point. Come to think of it... my first M2M experience was with her husband when we were kids. She may want to go get tested.
Ahh don't feel bad, my twin-sister acts the very same way towards me, and so does her husband and her grown kids , that was one of my reasons for moving to New Mexico, I just couldn't take it anymore, and that was 10 yrs ago......
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I'm sorry you had to go through this Hope. May be it is time to move on from this friendship ?
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I'm sorry you had to go through this Hope. May be it is time to move on from this friendship ?
I hear ya Space. We are not exactly close friends these days but did grow up together and I knew his sister pretty well too. I doubt I will make much of an effort to do much with them (he and his wife) at this point. I think that I will run into this mindset again at some point again but this first occurrence struck a little nerve with me. Oh well... such is life.
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It seems like such a waste of perfectly good, delicious even, key lime pie. Next time something like this comes. up, let me know. You can overnight it to me. It might be expensive but I know it would be worth it.
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Hey Robert!! I would be delighted to make a fresh one for you. Of course that means I need to get out to the coast so I can make it there! They really are not hard to make but I doubt they would be ideal for shipping.
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You are a nice guy and did the right thing . If there isn't enough satisfaction in doing the right thing there is always the chocolate pie route LOL .
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Ignorance can make the nicest people do the worst of evils. Still, what you did was commendable.
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Hard to believe there is that kind of ignorance today, "AIDS from pies" and such, it's sad.
However you did an amazing thing by still following through and taking the pie and leaving a card. You cant control the ignorance of others, but you dont have to let the ignorance ruin your day :) Good for you. I am not sure I would be as strong.
Regardless of what they do with the pie, your good deed and caring attitude stands ;)
-Will
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Hope,
You did a very thoughtful thing for an old friend. You can file your wonderful gesture under "no regrets".
(Now as the first chords of that well worn oldies hit entitled "Ignorance" plays in the background) You mentioned that you and your friend messed around years earlier and that the wife may want to get tested. I wonder if there is a long running serial back story in their own house with royalties being paid to feed the 800 pound elephant in the room (who also probably ate your delicious key lime pie you left at their house).
You take care.
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I thought my "aids cookies" were bad (thankfully we renamed the chinese almond cookies with cherry icing red ribbons to "positive cookies"); but "aids pie"?!?! ::) You know my mom and I both think your "aids pickles" and "aids jams" were the bomb. ;D Next time we get together, you bring me an "aids key lime pie" and I'll bring you some "aids lemon bars", how does that sound, buddy?
(BTW are we going to have to go to Seattle to see each other again, or is this the month we were going to make some plans?? :D)
However you did an amazing thing by still following through and taking the pie and leaving a card.
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Regardless of what they do with the pie, your good deed and caring attitude stands
WW, I totally agree! James is a great guy (and a great cook!) and following through to give his "friends" that pie is just the kind of guy he is.
Bully for you Hopey!! I'm sorry this situation was upsetting for you; but you did a good thing. Everyone should be so lucky to have a friend like you. :-*
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Next time we get together, you bring me an "aids key lime pie" and I'll bring you some "aids lemon bars", how does that sound, buddy?
Mikie you beat me to the "AIDS-pie" bit but are you sure you don't mean "Lemon AIDS Bars"?? :D
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but are you sure you don't mean "Lemon AIDS Bars"?? :D
yes! that would be a much "better" name. :D
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I dont know if i told yall this, but i got the disease from eating an infected cheesecake. it was very tramatic. :'(
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Thanks for all the feedback everybody. I am actually more bothered by the fact that my friend's sister died so young than the remark made by his spouse (but it DID strike a nerve). They will continue to exist with the mindset entrenched within and I have now had my first direct brush with such. Hell, she did not even know I heard it so I really wonder what she would have done had I not called first but dropped in and presented it in person.
No more pies for them!
Cheesecake? I hear that can be deadly if eaten.
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Mikie - I want to do a day trip to Charlotte during the week of October 9th if that works for you. Let me know buddy.
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The reception has been "luke warm" from your childhood friend, or from the couple together?
I am getting the feeling that you should not let that ignorance stand. And at sometime in the future, you should drop by again, or find an opportunity where you will see this woman, and you will calmly tell her,
"I overheard you worried about catching AIDS from my pie. HIV is not transmitted by food. Why would you say something like that?"
People really do NOT have a right to be ignorant and/or mean.
I am betting she is just a mean prejudiced person and knows damn well HIV is not transmitted by food.
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Next time may I suggest that you cut the pie whilst you're there and insist that everyone must have a piece, NOW. Then you'll have the pleasure of watching her choke on her own words.
Growler....who has never tried key lime pie but kill for a piece after seeing it in Natural Born Killers.
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The reception has been "luke warm" from your childhood friend, or from the couple together?
People really do NOT have a right to be ignorant and/or mean.
I made a few efforts to get together with them (as a couple) when I moved back to this area last year and they did not seem to be interested. And you're correct when you state that people do not have a right to be mean. I really doubt she knows much about the virus but could be wrong about that. Perhaps I will take them something else when the holidays come around.
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Sorry you had to go through that ---
Maybe next time you take them something - give them an "easy to read" pamphlet or short video on the facts about HIV/AIDS - or just do it as a stand along "gift." Sometimes it is best to try to be empathetic to someone's lack of knowledge --- even though it is hard in this day and age of ease of access to information - and provide the person with some resources to take away any excuse for not knowing the facts, presented in an understandable way..... Then, after providing such information, if the person still responds the same way, all "excuses" for the behavior can be safely removed and then you can give her a different gift...
may I suggest something like this.....
(http://i772.photobucket.com/albums/yy8/phildinftlaudy/youstilllookstupid.jpg)
;D
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If they get back to you thanking you for the wonderful pie, tell them your AIDSy man-juice was the key ingredient that brought out the flavour. ;)
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that sucks man. you're pretty awesome for still delivering the pie without any retaliation. after the grieving passes maybe you can make some lemon aids bars or positive cookies for the wife.
take care,
d
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That was not a nice experience for you.
Thank you for sharing it with us ... there will always be small minded people in the world.
Your experience has made me decide that i will be very very careful who i disclose my status to.
sam
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I am betting she is just a mean prejudiced person and knows damn well HIV is not transmitted by food.
I was thinking the same thing. She probably locks her car doors upon seeing a black person in the crosswalk...
Well, he's stuck with her... at least she's not your sister.
Skeebo
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I made a few efforts to get together with them (as a couple) when I moved back to this area last year and they did not seem to be interested...... Perhaps I will take them something else when the holidays come around.
They did not seem interested in getting together with you, then they basically refused your home baked pie gesture. And yet you want to make another attempt when the holidays come around ?
Apparently it hurt or offended you enough to write about it here. Do you really need another disappointment ? Feel the need to do some good ? bake a pie or a couple and donate them to some Charity, at least they will appreciate it/them.
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My suggestion to poke it a bit further is based on the possibility the OP likes his guy friend, and that its the wife who has the HIV+ bias. If there isn't much interest in the former childhood friend, or if they seem both to be lost causes on the HIV+ bias, of course, drop them, who needs it.
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I was being facetious when I said that I would take them something during the holidays. Its water under the bridge now and I have gotten past the initial shock of her statement.
Mecch, you are correct... I do like him and have fond memories of when we were kids growing up together in the same town. He was the first dude to ever try and top me (we were only 12 or 13 at the time)... of course he was not successful because I did not have lube at that time, and he was a 'big boy'. LOL
She even posted a little thankyou on my FB yesterday. I will never know for sure if the pie was tossed out or not and at this point it does not matter to me what they did with it.
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Personally, I would just mention it to her that you heard what she said about the pie, and that there is no way of contracting the aids through food. That would teach her something, and let her stew in her guilt. Maybe she will learn some compassion through that. I wouldn't let her get away so easy with that kind of behavior. Just my 2 cents.
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Since she posted on your FB, I would send her a polite PM indicating that you overheard her comment. Explain how disappointed and hurt you were and use it as a teaching experience.
Have you even considered that she suspects her husband likes a little man action is worried that you guys will "play doctor"? ;D Not an excuse for her bad behavior, but maybe she doesn't trust HIM!
Wolfie
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Since she posted on your FB, I would send her a polite PM indicating that you overheard her comment. Explain how disappointed and hurt you were and use it as a teaching experience.
Have you even considered that she suspects her husband likes a little man action is worried that you guys will "play doctor"? ;D Not an excuse for her bad behavior, but maybe she doesn't trust HIM!
Wolfie
Kind of like serving her a big ole piece of humble pie :D . Personally I just try to avoid people like her but if I ever do cross paths with them I rush in for a big hug , then walk away in a fit of hacking and coughing .
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Ouch. Ignorance. There's a lot of that going around.
You did the right thing that a friend does in sad circumstances. If they ain't up to that level of friendship, coppula eam, se non posit acceptera jocularum is wot I say. (The latter part of that Latin phrase is "if they can't take a joke.") You'll figure out the beginning part.
For what it's worth, I'll bet your old friend misses you.
Oh, and I love key lime pie. Just saying.
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I actually deleted her post from my wall but did send her an e-mail via facebook and basically said that I was glad they enjoyed the pie. An opportunity will present itself for me to speak with her in person at some point. For me personally, its best for to do the 'confrontational thing' when I have cooled off a bit. It may be at the grocery store, the bank, or wherever we happen to cross paths... at that time I will calmly state that I overheard her remarks that day and explain to her that by no means was she at risk.
Two wrongs dont make a right so I would not be inclined to be rude or hateful... just factual. Thanks everybody for the responses.
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Two wrongs dont make a right so I would not be inclined to be rude or hateful... just factual.
(http://i70.photobucket.com/albums/i114/burgdogg78/Beachbody%20-%20Blog/FB_LIKE.jpg)
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I agree with wolfter maybe the man likes some man action and the wife does not trust him.
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I would have slashed her car tires. Two wrongs make five wrongs.
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Two wrongs dont make a right so I would not be inclined to be rude or hateful... just factual. Thanks everybody for the responses.
Ya, but if you let such things pass, she'll repeat that behaviour with you or someone else because she knows she can get away with it.
If it were me, I'd make sure I let her know that not only is she ignorant but also that her primitive thinking caused deep offence. And like others have said, it is more than likely that she knows exactly how HIV is transmitted which would mean that it's not really the 'ignorance' that needs addressing.
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Yeah maybe she knows her husband diddled with you as a boy and that, plus you being a grown man who is gay and HIV+, it just makes here anxious, so that becomes meanness. Who knows. I agree, don't write off your friend because his wife is a nutcase.
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Two wrongs dont make a right so I would not be inclined to be rude or hateful... just factual. Thanks everybody for the responses.
Having conversed with you before, I am not surprised. You are a good person.
Since she enjoyed it so much I would make her another.... This time go over and offer to serve both of them personally. Make sure you put on a bunch of bandaids all over your fingers and say something about an accident with the mixer. And, be sure to talk about childhood memories while there......
That'll teach em....
I dunno, sometimes doing wrong can make you feel so good.... it's worth a chuckle at least.
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To be honest, lots of people out there are as ignorant as she is. It's just that you overheard what she was thinking/saying. What if you did not hear it then you would still think that she really enjoyed the pie. Life is like that , there are lots of people around I am just glad that I don't know 'what they are thinking'.
Your approach is great. You are trying to save the relationship with your friend. I believe giving anyone a second chance. if you present the fact and they accept it then you could just forget about the whole thing and move forwad and if they don't take it easy then hey at least you tried and then you could say " I have enough with your ignorance". All in all, you are in the high place because you are the one who is making the moves to be nice to them and see what happens.
Sorry you had to go through this. Thanks for sharing!
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I may run into them next weekend at a little oyster festival at the beach. They have not missed it in years and I may have an opportunity to chat with them. Thanks again ALL ! I guess the next time anything similar happens to me I will be ready to address it immediately.