POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: Falkore on June 26, 2006, 03:07:57 am
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This 30th marks my one year anniversary. This time last year I was worried sick because the 20 minute test had come back as "preliminary poz." I had been in a relationship for 10 months and things got complicated. We finally broke up, but HIV was only part of the reason. Now I find myself doubting that I will ever find love again. I've met a few people who care for me, who enjoy spending time with me, and some who even say they love me... but I wonder. I feel like I should not allow myself to fall in love again. How can I let someone into my life when I am going to die. I know how crazy that sounds. We are all going to die some day.
Part of the problem is that the person I love is also dealing with a life long medical condition. He has diabeties (sp) and does not care for himself as well as he should. I've had to spend the night in the hospital with him several times because of his condition. I don't want the situation to be reversed. I don't want him to have to visit me in the hospital because I'm sick.
Any thoughts?
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the person I love is also dealing with a life long medical condition. He has diabeties (sp) and does not care for himself as well as he should. I've had to spend the night in the hospital with him several times because of his condition.
is this the same man you were with for 10 months but then you guys had to break up? ???
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I don't mean to sound callous, but ten months is a very short period of time to consider it a "relationship". You have had quite a bit on your plate the last year just dealing with HIV. Focus on yourself and your issues before jumping into a relationship....believe me they won't work until you do. Slow down, relax, whether you believe it or not you have plenty of time.
Peace,
Hal ;)
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Hey Falkore,
First, your first year with the bug is arguably the most tumultuous emotionally. Take a step back, a deep breath and try to relax.
Now, about not wanting to get close to someone because you're going to die, well, I hate to break this to you, but we all are going to die. Everyone. No exceptions.
The only qualifying factor is when and how. Hit by a bus? AIDS? Diabetes? Tripping over the curb and hitting your head on a sleeping wino's bottle?
The point is not to let yourself fret about the inevitable. Focus on today. If that includes forming a relationship and enjoying the day together, that's great.
Could the day come when he would be staying with you in the hospital. Sure. But until that day comes, why are you wasting valuable time worrying about it?
Enjoy the life you have today. Enjoy the people who are part of your life today.
That is all we can count on.
HUGS,
Mark
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Falkore... I understand you fear.. But fear is not justification for anything you have said. Turn yourself around 180 degrees and face this headon and plow through all these feelings. This is not the end. We are all moving to an eventual end. Just because you have been thrown a potential end that you know about, does not mean what you say.... The first year is tough, I am in my 10 month. I am happily married to the man I love and HIV is not an issue when it comes to love. How you define love is key. Whom you wish to share your life with is key. There are thousands of people looking for the same thing you are. Even the ones who are not infected and are perfectly healthy in every since of the word. My recomendations to you if you have broken off this relationship is to always keep your doors open and your bridges clear. Never shut a door. It WILL reopen once the repairs on your end have been made. I for one if I was in your position is build your confidences back. They have just been stifuled right now. They will return. Your confidence will return. But give it a year or so and just learn about what "this" is all about. We were placed on this earth (for me) to share ourselves with a partner. I worked very hard to find that partner. 2 years later, we tested positive.. HIV has little to do with love or "being dirty" or being "different". Thats all these stigma's you have read over the past 25 years. Dont let this stop up. You might as well shut down or get these feelings in check now. Its a process and never a desination. You will always deal with the HIV equastion. Being sick, well, eveyone gets sick from time to time. Diabetis has its ups and downs and maybe you both can compliment eachother here if you so desire. This is not worth packing up the LOVE and putting away forever. There is no need. Life becomes a bit shallow if you do. You will be loved and are most likely very much loved, you just are ruling it out in your mind. Stop that..
Love ;D
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Hi Falkore,
So nice of you to drop in. I hope this site is one you will find helpful and one where you can find people who understand. I was diagnosed in 1983, and it appears from your photo, (assuming it was taken in the last two years) that you are younger than my HIV, so in a really perverse sort of way; take solace from that, and please don't worry about finding love, making your life "acceptable" for anyone but you, or a whole host of details that are racing through your mind at this time. Life will cool, and the news of the HIV will temper, but you have to give it time. I started a relationship with an HIV- man a full five years after I was infected, and we have been "IN LOVE" for the last 18 years, so there is hope, even though it may not seem so today.
In Love.
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It's been since 1990 that I have known about being HIV -positive. In the initial stages, depression will hit you and all of the other emotions at the same time. So relax, take care of yourself and Love will find you. That's been my experience.
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Hi Falkore,
My first thought is that I have to agree with Mark about this:
Could the day come when he would be staying with you in the hospital. Sure. But until that day comes, why are you wasting valuable time worrying about it?
Enjoy the life you have today. Enjoy the people who are part of your life today.
Anxiety about an imagined future will only serve to make you sick. Since no one is guaranteed to live more than right now - today - this minute - try not to let your mind take over the moment.
I’ve been positive for 18+ years, and I can tell you that in time you’ll learn how to handle these anxieties and fears. Namely, you’ll learn that they are nothing but wasted time. Time is precious. Don’t fret it away.
Daniel