Ive recently tested positive after much debate and i am beside myself...

[unluckylovely]

Ive recently tested poz and feel like i cannot live this life...its far too painful and whats worse, i cant make it out...there is something missing in the equation...none of it makes sense but here is my story in brief...

2008 i had unprotected sex for about three weeks in jamaica.  came back to the uk and had a test done in jan 09...results negative for hiv but positive for PID...november 09 in a new relationship for 8 months...had protected sex every time...Now i am normally a sufferer of thrush and BV and will often go to my local clinic for treatment. went to clinic for treatment of thrush in march 2011 and just because i ws asked, had a test for hiv...test negative...good. met a guy in Jan 2011 never had sex but i received oral sex from him a few times...never gave either.   met new partner in march 2011 28th to be exact...had unprotected sex on 28th and 30th march and on 1st and 6th april 2011...partner was circumcised and did not ejaculate in me either on any of the occasions.  i became ill on 3rd april which lasted about a week and a half...was told that i was in sero-conversion state.  went to clinic on 11th april results were inconclusive ending of april...request for repeat bloods done still inconclusive.  redid test in june results came in June 9th - hiv positive.  my partner tested...his results came in on 20th june - NEGATIVE.....how is that possible?  I am in an even bigger shock...cos something does not add up...i asked about western blot...was adviced that my bloods were tested using that method...is it possible to get a false positive reading and or a false negative reading?  clinic said that they will retest my blood taken on march 9th and they took fresh blood from me on June 20th  which the lab  will test and match with the previous bloods...WHAT IS HAPPENING? CAN SOMEONE EXPLAIN?  PLEASE......................Results in today from fresh blood drawn on 20th June, result still remains positive.  results from the restest of blood taken from me on March 9th 2011...results negative....i dont know the right questions to ask...dont know what else to do...im beside myself with worry as my future is looking very black indeed...

[jacken]

Sorry to hear about your new diagnosis. One thing is certain that you were exposed to the virus and got infected.

Even though your partner tested negative, your partner will need to get tested again. You can only assume that your partner was not infected three months prior to this test. Same thing for your negative result in March.

In my situation, things don't add up either but I have resigned to the fact of my new status and coping with it. I was told that Western Blot is used to confirm and is very accurate.

I know it is hard to deal with your diagnosis. Find a doctor specialized in HIV medicine and have your labs done so you know your CD4 count and viral load. Do check for other STDs as well. You've come a right place where many would understand what you are going through. Find a support system if you can. Hang in there.

One question - how is the lab able to retest the blood taken three months ago? The lab saves blood sample?

[unluckylovely]

Hi Jacken,

In the Uk i ws informed that the lab keeps blood for 12 months..thats why they were able to retest a sample of the bloods taken in March 2011.

I will ask my now ex-partner to retest for his own well being next month...if he is still negative...all i can say is that life is very unfair cos i dont know how a negative person can infect someone else and not be affected themselves...

unluckylovely

[jacken]

Did you get to see your ex-partner's lab report or was it just communicated to you verbally?

None of my partners test poz either (as I was told). I didn't get to see their lab reports but I am sure one of them is poz. Having said that, it doesn't change the fact that I am now poz.

It is natural to want to find out the cause. What is more important now is your health and to take the next step to manage your diagnosis.

((hugs))

[leatherman]

as my future is looking very black indeed...

welcome to the forums. as we often tell people, we're sorry that you had to find us; but glad that you did find us. There's a lot of great information from members and from this site about HIV. You might want to spend some time going through the lessons (http://www.aidsmeds.com/articles/Introduction_4702.shtml) to learn the things you need to know to take good care of your health and to understand this disease that you now have.

one of the first lessons you should learn though is that it is no longer 1990 and your future is no where near black. After 30 years, the treatments have amazing improved, and even the treatments for any side effect you "might" be affected by have greatly improved. Someone diagnosed these days, who goes onto treatment at the appropriate time and remains adherent to their treatment regimen has every chance to live out a fairly "normal" life for a fairly "normal" length of time.

Many people (many people here for example) after being diagnosed with HIV (or even AIDS) have gone on to obtain higher education, continue their employment, fall in love, have children, etc. There are even quite a number of people here who were diagnosed with AIDS two decades or more ago, who are still going strong. Really the future is only as limited as the limits you put on it. Though HIV and/or the meds could cause you some problems and make life a little "gray" at times, your future has no reason to be "black". It's just going to take some time for you to process this new change in your life and to learn how to deal with it, and then you'll be able to continue forward into a future just as bright as anyone else's.

[unluckylovely]

Thank you Leatherman for your kind words of encouragement...It really is extremely hard for me at this present moment in time.  Not sure how long it will take for me to come to terms but i will try...since the confirmation, i have become forgetful, cant remember things and struggle to hold a decent conversation.  My mind is over whelmed with this and some of the information i have read is confusing  such as how can the infector be negative and i end up poz? logically it does not make sense at all and trying to get my head around something that does not make sense and is unexplainable is 'killing me'  One thing for sure is that i need to understand it before i can begin to tell my family and my closest friend.  Right now apart from me and the centre that tested me no one else knows.
Unluckylovely...

[unluckylovely]

To Jacken,

I think they do things differently in the UK, because they have not shown me anything.  They took both myself and my partner in a room and verbally told him his results.  You are right it doesnt change the fact that i have been given this poz verdict, and i am still reeling from the knowledge..im sure given time, i will be alright with it...what choice will i have...and crying everynight by myself doesnt help.  My biggest fear now is being shunned and loosing all my friends and family, cos i am not really good at lying or pretending, thats why i could never become an actoress.  one look at me and people who know me will know that i have lost my spark...dont know how to get my mojo or my groove back just yet...anyway, thanks for your words of encourgement too...
Unluckylovely

[jacken]

unluckylovely,

I do hope that you have a good support system. Do you have access to counseling and talk about this? They can give you some guidance and suggestion. Give yourself some time and space. Be very careful of whom you disclose your status to. All your friends don't need to know. Take care of yourself and don't let others hurt you even more.

Like you, I was not prepared for something like this. It has been about 6 weeks for me. I am still learning and taking it. Leatherman has a very good perspective. Hang in there and you will be ok.

[mecch]

I will ask my now ex-partner to retest for his own well being next month...if he is still negative...all i can say is that life is very unfair cos i dont know how a negative person can infect someone else and not be affected themselves...

There are no immaculate infections. If you are positive and it seems you are, someone you slept with was as well.  Maybe that person wasn't showing the antibodies yet.  Maybe that person is now lying.  Maybe you are thinking about the wrong suspect. 

Some peoples sources and dates of infection are clear cut cases.  Others not. 

Its actually not so very important whose HIV you have.  Its yours now.  Thats the heavy burdern you have to focus on, learn about, adjust to, get used to, and finally lighten the load.  You may be over investing in the "how" and the "who" because you aren't ready to tackle "I am HIV+".  That is a pretty common reaction actually.  But sooner or later the constructive focus is "I am HIV+ so now what...."

Welcome to the forum.

[mecch]

You are right it doesnt change the fact that i have been given this poz verdict, and i am still reeling from the knowledge..im sure given time, i will be alright with it...what choice will i have...and crying everynight by myself doesnt help.  My biggest fear now is being shunned and loosing all my friends and family, cos i am not really good at lying or pretending, thats why i could never become an actoress.  one look at me and people who know me will know that i have lost my spark...dont know how to get my mojo or my groove back just yet...anyway, thanks for your words of encourgement too...
Unluckylovely

Though these are dark considerations, they aren't so realistic, its the shock coloring things.  You don't have to tell all your friends and family now, or ever, really.  Just take your time with yourself.  Hard to believe but while it is a serious health issue, and for many that means also a financial challenge, and maybe even a professional one, there is great treatment now so if you haven't seen an ID yet I can guess what he / she will say - the future is OK - you have your life to live.  You are of course mixing in all the stigma that goes along with it.  That's another ballgame.

Once you get your mojo back you'll have more resources to deal with the stigma. 

You'll probably want to invite a few close people into the news to support you, but if you aren't ready to do that, consider the Forum as a support network. 

[Ann]

my partner tested...his results came in on 20th june - NEGATIVE.....how is that possible?

They took both myself and my partner in a room and verbally told him his results.

Were you in the same room with him when he was given his negative result? If you were told separately, there's a very good chance that he is lying about his result. 

If you were in the same room with him when he got his result, he is not the source of your infection. An hiv negative person cannot give you hiv. I hope the following explains my reasoning.

If he had hiv when you had unprotected sex in late March and early April, he would have tested positive by June 20th (twelve weeks after you first had sex with him) even if had been infected the day before you had sex. Even if he was having unprotected sex with someone else and became infected in-between the four times you had unprotected sex with him, he would have tested positive by June 20th.

The vast majority of people who have actually been infected will seroconvert and test positive by six weeks, with the average time to seroconversion being only 22 days. A six week negative must be confirmed at the three month (twelve week) point, but is highly unlikely to change. The window period remains at three months to catch the relatively rare person who takes a little longer than six weeks to seroconvert.

Your inconclusive results in April are consistent with you being infected in late March or early April. If you had tested during the week of May 9th, you probably would have had a positive result by then, rather than another inconclusive.

If you were told together and know for a fact that he is not lying, maybe you had unprotected sex with someone you're forgetting about, probably sometime between February and March. The negative result you got in March would have only told you what your hiv status was between six and twelve weeks before the test was done.

had unprotected sex on 28th and 30th march and on 1st and 6th april 2011...partner was circumcised and did not ejaculate in me either on any of the occasions.

It doesn't matter whether or not an hiv positive man ejaculate insides you during unprotected intercourse. Pre-cum is also infectious.

Being circumcised or uncircumcised makes no difference to the infectiousness of an hiv positive man.

What matters the most is that you now know your hiv status and you can be monitored so you can start treatment when your CD4 and viral load counts show the need.

[thelovedones]

Welcome to Forum and I'm sorry about your diagnosis.

Some stuff to consider:

1. No matter how you got it, you got it. Let the other stuff go! I remember when I was first diagnosed, I spent some time running through how it could have happened and who could have given it to me, but in the end, finding out would have left me in the same place. I still had HIV and I had to take care of it. That's the thing you have to focus on. You'll find that focusing on things you can control will make you feel better.

2. Focus on taking care of yourself: your physical health and your mental health. Get yourself a doctor who is recommended for HIV care and whom you are comfortable with. Tell a couple people whom you are close with and whom you think will be loving and understanding. You're going to need a support system. There's no rule that says you have to tell everyone or your family or anyone for that matter. But having one or two people in your life you can turn to and talk about stuff is going to save you a lot of heartache.

3. Along these lines, try to remind yourself (and I know it isn't easy) that you are living in a time where HIV is extremely manageable. Things could be much worse respectively. You are going to lead a normal life and feel better quicker than you think, but part of getting there is by making a consious decision to focus on the things that are going to make you feel better. Of course you're going to cry and feel sad for a while, but don't give in to it. Being pragmatic about your HIV is going help you. Trust me.

4. Keep reading and contributing to the forums. Hearing from other people who are going through what your going through is enormously helpful.

good luck

[karry]

Hi and welcome to the forums!
I hope you get some answers soon to the questions that you have right now.
One thing I can say from experience is that those who infect others will more often than not lie about their status when confronted. My infector did just that...and I was not there when he got his 'negative hiv-results" .....and so was the girl he dated before me whom he also infected and to whom he also said he was "negative"....But as Mecch pointed out, there is no "immaculate infection".

Yes, living with that lack of closure and that uncertainty can often be damaging...and as you put it, it can make you be "beside yourself". I still have not had him admit he infected me, but I have decided to move on with my life...

Karry

[emeraldize]

One thing I can say from experience is that those who infect others will more often than not lie about their status when confronted. My infector did just that...and I was not there when he got his 'negative hiv-results" .....and so was the girl he dated before me whom he also infected and to whom he also said he was "negative".

That's a roger!

[unluckylovely]

To the Lovedones, thank you fior your comments I am trying all that you have suggested, I am a qualified social worker and work in mental health and the funny thing is i encourage my clients all the time every day, but all of a sudden the advise i give means nothing to me...every day i have a huge knot in my stomach that stays with me and then i cant wait to get home to shut myself away... I cry every day but it does not seem to make me feel any better...Any pointers on how i move on quickly?  i cant let this ruin my job ... my life has been ruined especially as there is no cure, but i do understand that i know need to take extra care about my health.  About now i am feeling anger and hatred and i know that that is two things that i should never feel, but i cant seem to shift this grey cloud that appears to be looming over me whereever i go.

[unluckylovely]

To Karry

Thank you for comments, so far, i know that i am understood but it feels like no one understands my position and some of the other comments are 'you have it now so get on with your life and deal with it'...well maybe not in some many words but that is how ive understood it.  That statement is true, i get that, but i also find it hard to accept right now, because of all the unanswered questions that appear to have no answers such as... can an uninfected person infect someone else? I already know the answer to that but it still leaves me with the knowledge that my partner tested negative and i tested positive which i cannot understand.

one of the things i can think of is that somewhere down the line he will test positive because he will also need treatment if he is not already on it and i dont know that...

Can you tell me, is there somewhere on this forum that i can direct some of my questions to a doctor or someone,  perhaps they can help shed some light and maybe that might give me the understanding i need in order to move on from the place where i am currently..

Thank you for reading this...
Unluckly

[anniebc]

Can you tell me, is there somewhere on this forum that i can direct some of my questions to a doctor or someone,  perhaps they can help shed some light and maybe that might give me the understanding i need in order to move on from the place where i am currently..

Thank you for reading this...
Unluckly

Unlucky...while Ann is not a Doctor she is an expert in HIV, you need to read her post again, if there is a question that is troubling you just ask, Ann will give you the advise and info you need.

If you are not happy with this then you need to maybe talk to your ID specialist.

Aroha
Jan

[Ann]

Unlucky, as you are a social worker in the mental health field, do you know a colleague you can trust to talk to? I don't know how they do it in the States, but here in the UK anyone who works in the mental health field has a supervisor to whom they can off-load their feelings about their clients. If you have a supervisor and have a good relationship with him or her, maybe you can talk to him or her about this - or ask for a referral to someone else. It really does sound as though counselling may benefit you greatly.

Hang in there - it really does get better in time.

[thelovedones]

To echo what Ann said, you should be reaching out to someone, in person, as fast as you can. And to be honest, for hard medical facts, I would almost implore you to make an appointment with a physician who specializes in HIV or an Infectious Disease doc and direct your answers to him/her. The forums are extrememly helpful but personal contact is part of what's going to make you feel better. Try to take a personal day or two and get organized. Pulling yourself together is the only thing that's going to make you feel better. All the well-wishes in the world can't substitute for that.

As for not being able to move forward, tell yourself this - If other people in this world (many of whom are healthcare professionals and many on this forum) who got infected long before there was access to treatment can move on with their lives, so can you. I'm not trying to sound harsh or to minimize what you're going through. You're clearly traumatized. But you will not be able to "think" your way out of it; you must act! You can't stop being sad right now, but you can prevent it from overtaking you.

Make an appointment today. Good luck.

[unluckylovely]

To Ann

Thank you for your comments and advice.  I do live and work in the UK and i do not feel that i can talk with my line manager, but have been offered information relating to support groups in the neighbouring areas which i intend to take up including the counselling.

I had my first appointment today with the HIV specialist who advised me that my CD4 was at 750 and the viral load was 180.  is that good or bad?  what do u think?

Thank you again for your support, advice and words of encouragement.  I am still tearful but not as much as the past few weeks.

Unluckylovely

[unluckylovely]

To thelovedones

Thank you,  I will also incorporate your advise and thank you for your encouragement.

unluckylovely

[drewm]

Hi unluckylovely, welcome to the forums! Sorry you need to be here but glad you found us!

Your CD4 count is good, actually, very good at 750 and your VL is not bad, at all. It's important to remember the words of my HIV/AIDS doc from MD Anderson who said 'this is not the same disease it was 30 years ago,' and 'we can manage this.' He told me that with a CD4 of 8 (eight) and a VL of 500,000.

I think your numbers are good. It's a shock to the conscience to be dxd but try taking some deep breaths and try to not to be too hard on yourself. Everything will be fine  

Drew

[madbrain]

I had my first appointment today with the HIV specialist who advised me that my CD4 was at 750 and the viral load was 180.  is that good or bad?  what do u think?

Those are excellent lab numbers.

[leatherman]

my CD4 was at 750 and the viral load was 180.  is that good or bad?  what do u think?

those are very good numbers! 

a "normal" cd4 count is anywhere from 500 to 1500, so 750 is excellent.
meds aren't recommended until somewhere in the 350-500 range, and AIDS is in the <=200 range

just a few years ago, viral loads in the 100-200 range were considered undetectable. just recently the tests have "improved" to measuring as low as <=20 as undetectable. so a count of 180 (especially when not on meds and with a cd4 over 700) is very low and very good.

[Ann]

Those aren't just good numbers, they're FANTASTIC numbers so early on in your infection. Typically in early infection, the CD4s tend to be a fair bit lower than yours and the VL is most often very high - even into the hundreds of thousands or even higher. So yeah, wow, those are fantastic numbers for a first lab result after a new infection. Congrats!

You could be headed on your way to being a Long Term Non-Progressor! (aka LTNP) These are people whose genetic make-up allows their body to keep hiv under control on its own without taking meds. Some end up on meds eventually, but there are also what's called Elite Controllers who never (or rarely) have a detectable viral load and I've never heard of an Elite Controller to need hiv meds.

I'm glad to hear you've decided to take advantage of the support services in your area. You won't regret it. I hope you quickly find a group that is a good fit for you - but if the first one isn't (and give it more than one chance, you might be judging an "off" night), try another. Good luck! If you live in the Merseyside area, get in touch via a PM and I could give you a few names. I live on the Isle of Man but I go to the Liverpool Royal for my hiv health related concerns.