POZ Community Forums

HIV Prevention and Testing => Do I Have HIV? => Topic started by: midwesterner on January 01, 2012, 10:33:55 pm

Title: I am driving myself insane over a low-risk incident.
Post by: midwesterner on January 01, 2012, 10:33:55 pm

I need reassurance...a slap in the face...something. Last week, I got a happy ending massage from a woman who is essentially a sex worker. I have no idea of her status but have convinced myself that she's +. The rational side of my brain knows that a handjob can't transmit hiv, so the irrational side has moved on to other routes of transmission.

First I convinced myself of semen in the massage oil from a previous customer. Now I have convinced myself that she had cuts on her hands, and because I shaved my back that morning, blood somehow entered via scrapes and nicks in my skin. If I talk myself down from that, I move on to the paper cut on my thumb as the route.

I know that I need to seek therapy for my anxiety. I was already aware of having some degree of OCD, but this incident has spiked it to life-crippling levels.

Could someone please just confirm what the rational side of my brain knows: that this was no-risk? I don't understand why, but somehow, reading other people's posts is not enough for me. I need some rational person's response. I will not be a repeat poster, but I had to post this for my sanity. I'm very sorry to waste anyone's time. Thank you so much for this site and the service you do.

- Embarrassed and panicky.

Title: Re: I am driving myself insane over a low-risk incident.
Post by: RapidRod on January 01, 2012, 11:51:40 pm

You don't have an HIV concern.

Title: Re: I am driving myself insane over a low-risk incident.
Post by: jkinatl2 on January 02, 2012, 01:42:11 am

There certainly IS a degree of OCD in there. As you are obviously intellectually aware, this is NOT an HIV concern.

I urge you to seek professional help in dealing with this situation, this mindset. No one should be tortured like this.

Title: Re: I am driving myself insane over a low-risk incident.
Post by: midwesterner on January 02, 2012, 08:07:19 am

Thanks very much to both of you.

jkinatl2: I plan on taking your advice. I'm already researching therapists in my area, and will be setting up an appt. asap.

I know, rationally, that the vast majority of what I am feeling is guilt (not that the OCD isn't real, but it's guilt that has triggered it). I recently found out that my wife is pregnant, and then went out and did this stupid thing under the guise of 'stress relief'. Mission not accomplished.

In any case: hopefully, some future visitor of this forum will see my post and recognize that they, too, are using fears of HIV to cover up the real problem(s).

Thanks again for this site and its voice of reason approach.

Title: Re: I am driving myself insane over a low-risk incident.
Post by: Andy Velez on January 02, 2012, 09:30:32 am

I'm just repeating that you are worrying needlessly. HIV is a fragile virus and is not transmitted in the manner about which you are concerned.

Guilt and shame are powerful forces which can often affect our lives. Hopefully your talking with a professional will help you with your unwarranted concerns about your recent incident.

As for your experience being a warning to others, all too frequently when someone is isolated with their own fears and guilt, being able to take in knowledge from others is not a strong point for many.

Get on with your life. HIV is not your problem.

Title: Re: I am driving myself insane over a low-risk incident.
Post by: midwesterner on January 02, 2012, 01:43:26 pm

Thank you, Andy. I really do appreciate all of you taking the time to help ease my (irrational) fears. Best wishes to you for 2012.

Title: Re: I am driving myself insane over a low-risk incident.
Post by: Andy Velez on January 02, 2012, 03:33:47 pm

You're welcome. Good luck to you in the New Year.