Further Insights on Secrecy, Privacy and the Art of Disclosue

[BeTheLove]

Thank you so much for all that you’ve shared regarding your take on secrecy and privacy.  It’s really been getting me thinking…

In the beginning for me, carrying the SECRET of HIV around felt like a heavy burden.  And I wouldn’t have thought of my diagnosis as a secret at all had I not been carrying shame about it.  The important thing for me was to decide whether or not I was going to continue to shame myself.  I opted not to.  I had to ask myself, “What kind of people get HIV?”  And when I asked that question I felt at peace with my answers.

•   People who are looking for love
•   People who dare to trust.
•   People who get caught up in the moment and their desires
•   People who want to feel connected
•   People who don’t want to believe that love can kill or hurt
•   People who cling to the thought that their prince might come
•   People who see beauty in another
•   People who make mistakes
•   People who leave their house
•   Human beings
•   People who want to be spontaneous in a life that feels so planned out and regimented
•   And again,…people who want to be loved

From there I had to decide.  Was I really going to shame myself for my human moments?  Was I really going to cut myself down a size because I was loving and wanted to be loved?  NO. 

Granted, I could have protected myself.  Granted, I all together could have done differently.  But the truth of the matter FOR ME anyway was that I had made choices in my life--sexual, spontaneous, relationship choices that the majority of people around me had made.  The only difference was…I got caught!  I was going to reap the percussions for what many had also done but never experienced the possible consequences of.

When I let go of the shame that my fear was trying desperately to convince me I deserved, I found freedom.  Privacy was then available to me.  And I needed to decide my thoughts on disclosure.  Some questions helped me to decide who to tell and who not to tell.

•   What is my intention for sharing this information with someone?

•   How will telling this person support me? (What benefit can I get regardless of whether they rain or shine on my HIV parade?)


•   Am I willing to give this person full permission to stay in my life or flee?  (In other words, can I be at peace with myself, without shame, without being swallowed up whole by disappointment if they leave?  Can I truly bless their path regardless of their response?)

It’s important for me to look at these questions from a position of what I CAN control vs. what I cannot control.  These questions have made all the difference for me in deciding when to share and when it isn’t necessary to share.  When I say necessary, I really mean—necessary to my peace of mind and well-being.

When I remember that I am human, and I remember that I have made mistakes, and I remember that NOBODY gets through life without making mistakes and taking risks that backfired, that for me is where and when secrecy and the shame that goes along with it transforms into privacy and the freedom to choose as I do.

Walking tall,
Just another HIV+ Woman Rising,
BTL

[tendai]

BTL are u involved in any HIV programmes? coz i think u really ought to be, they could use someone who thinks like you

[BeTheLove]

Hello Tendai,

I'm not sure what you mean by "involved in any HIV programs."  I kinda feel like I'm my own HIV program in progress, if you know what I mean.  Thank you for your kind words. You have a way of acknowledging others (as I've seen in a number of your posts) that just blows me away.  I just really want to acknowledge you for this tender and appreciative heart that I see in you.

Sending you BIG cyber hugs!
BTL

[fraidknot]

Beautiful, insightful - straight to the heart. Thank you for posting this BeTheLove.