No Sex life

[TripleJ]

Is there anybody out there that is dealing with the same thing as me?...

I been in a relationship with a negative guy for about four years now, we haven't had sex or oral sex since he found out I was positive. I found out I was HIV Positive a year into the relationship when I was rushed to the hospital with pneumonia. Yes, I know sex is not a important factor in a relationship. But to be honest, I want to have some type of sexual relation sometimes.

Here's the thing...I feel as though he not attracted to be anymore. I know he loves me, but still I'm human...i feel as though he may slip up eventually and cheat on me. I've asked him the many common questions, one would ask him in this type of situation. His answers just don't satisfied me at all. "Why don't we have sex anymore"...I don't know. " Are you still attracted to me"...Of course I am. "Are you afraid to have sex with me"....Why would I be.I've even made it clear to him that I want to have sex sometimes...but he just ignores me. I want to be clear again...I know sex is not important and Of course I'm not going to  end a relationship solely on the fact that their is no sex involved.I'm just wondering is their anyone else out their in a relationship that deals with this too? 

[geobee]

I used to joke with my friends that my ex-partner and I didn't have "anal" sex, we had "annual" sex.  I was monogamous for 15 years with him, then he stopped wanting to have sex.   After 2-3 years of this, I cheated on him, contracted HIV, and he left. 

For me, sex is mandatory.  Sure, there will be illnesses and stresses and schedules to work around.  But expressing love in a physical way -- I can't be in a relationship without it.  I need to held, and to hold another.  Otherwise I'll just live on my own.  I should have left my ex when he stopped wanting to be with me (and I tried everything) but I didn't have the courage.

[TripleJ]

First of all, thanks for your reply

Overall I agree with you 100%. I'm shown that I'm loved, we just don't express love in that physical way.I have 1 last question. Sometime he says the reason he don't want to have sex is because he not comfortable with his body anymore. Which may be the truth...but still I don't believe him. And no he doesn't weigh like 300 pounds. I don't see nothing wrong with his physical experience and I tell him this all the time.But yet he still uses this as his excuse for right now. Do you see this as a petty excuse too?

[drewm]

Hi. First, allow me to disagree. Sex is important in any relationship. Frequency, type etc are debatable but the need for intimacy is very real. He may be dealing with fear and counseling might help.

[drewm]

First of all, thanks for your reply

Overall I agree with you 100%. I'm shown that I'm loved, we just don't express love in that physical way.I have 1 last question. Sometime he says the reason he don't want to have sex is because he not comfortable with his body anymore. Which may be the truth...but still I don't believe him. And no he doesn't weigh like 300 pounds. I don't see nothing wrong with his physical experience and I tell him this all the time.But yet he still uses this as his excuse for right now. Do you see this as a petty excuse too?

Yes, petty excuse IMHO

[mecch]

I agree with Drew.  Sex is important in a relation.  Every couple is different - how they manage their sex lives.  But its important. Even if there are sexless relations, if they were once sexual, or could be again, then sex is important, even if for the moment its not happening.
Triple, I would go more specific on my generality and say, in the case of a relation only  few years old, sex stopping after one year isn't a desirable result.

I also think you have a feeling that it takes two, to tangle.  Your bf might very well have hangups about himself, and about your relation.  Just like you might have.  So thats at least 4 realms to explore.  He really might have body image issues that are blocking his sexuality.  Or, his block might be about your couple, or your HIV status.

No one in a couple gets to say "we aren't having sex because my partner......".  It takes two to tangle, and it takes two to stay in a relation with no tangoing...

Maybe you have to push further for communication on this to get things moving.  Moving in 3 possible directions:  1) more sex, again.  2) no sex but commitment to stay without it.  3) Break up.    Also you can throw in all the issues of open-relation, or not...

If you can't do this communication 1-1, then you have to try it with a therapist. 

One time I was in a relation and we didn't manage 1-1 to communicate and be happier together.  I invited him to go to therapy. We went one time and then it was clear we had to break up.  Which was horrible, of course, but still what needed to be done. 

[thunter34]

First of all, thanks for your reply

Overall I agree with you 100%. I'm shown that I'm loved, we just don't express love in that physical way.I have 1 last question. Sometime he says the reason he don't want to have sex is because he not comfortable with his body anymore. Which may be the truth...but still I don't believe him. And no he doesn't weigh like 300 pounds. I don't see nothing wrong with his physical experience and I tell him this all the time.But yet he still uses this as his excuse for right now. Do you see this as a petty excuse too?

I disagree with Drew.  I say YES, legit response - if it is indeed the honest one.  I have had all sorts of body perception issues since becoming HIV+ (from weight gain over here, weight loss over there, etc) and my desire (with an actual living, breathing other person) went straight out the window.  It comes and goes now, depending on how well I am maintaining my girlish figure.

I can't say if he is being truthful, as I can't see him and can't see inside his head (or yours, for that matter).  But it seems to me that, ultimately, this isn't a body issue or an HIV issue - it's a communication and a trust issue.

Something has gummed up the works, and at some point it has got to be tabled point blank:  "I need this, and it is detrimental to us not to have it."  It does seem rather fishy that the body issues came about right at the same time as diagnosis, but I can't say that that is a wholly invalid reason on its face.

I agree with the others, though - I could not, would not sustain a permanent, monogamous relationship with someone who wouldn't touch my naughty bits.  Frequently. 

[TripleJ]

Yes, petty excuse IMHO

Yup I thought so....

[TripleJ]

I agree with Drew.  Sex is important in a relation.  Every couple is different - how they manage their sex lives.  But its important. Even if there are sexless relations, if they were once sexual, or could be again, then sex is important, even if for the moment its not happening.
Triple, I would go more specific on my generality and say, in the case of a relation only  few years old, sex stopping after one year isn't a desirable result.

I also think you have a feeling that it takes two, to tangle.  Your bf might very well have hangups about himself, and about your relation.  Just like you might have.  So thats at least 4 realms to explore.  He really might have body image issues that are blocking his sexuality.  Or, his block might be about your couple, or your HIV status.

No one in a couple gets to say "we aren't having sex because my partner......".  It takes two to tangle, and it takes two to stay in a relation with no tangoing...

Maybe you have to push further for communication on this to get things moving.  Moving in 3 possible directions:  1) more sex, again.  2) no sex but commitment to stay without it.  3) Break up.    Also you can throw in all the issues of open-relation, or not...

If you can't do this communication 1-1, then you have to try it with a therapist. 

One time I was in a relation and we didn't manage 1-1 to communicate and be happier together.  I invited him to go to therapy. We went one time and then it was clear we had to break up.  Which was horrible, of course, but still what needed to be done.

Hey Mecch,

Thanks for your reply. I agree, seeing a therapist is probably the appropriate thing to do. Talking one on one hasn't been working for the past 3 years lol 

[TripleJ]

I disagree with Drew.  I say YES, legit response - if it is indeed the honest one.  I have had all sorts of body perception issues since becoming HIV+ (from weight gain over here, weight loss over there, etc) and my desire (with an actual living, breathing other person) went straight out the window.  It comes and goes now, depending on how well I am maintaining my girlish figure.

I can't say if he is being truthful, as I can't see him and can't see inside his head (or yours, for that matter).  But it seems to me that, ultimately, this isn't a body issue or an HIV issue - it's a communication and a trust issue.

Something has gummed up the works, and at some point it has got to be tabled point blank:  "I need this, and it is detrimental to us not to have it."  It does seem rather fishy that the body issues came about right at the same time as diagnosis, but I can't say that that is a wholly invalid reason on its face.

I agree with the others, though - I could not, would not sustain a permanent, monogamous relationship with someone who wouldn't touch my naughty bits.  Frequently.

I hear you, I wish I could read his mind or something. I mean I kinda believe him when he brings up the weight issue. It can be legit...

And your absolutely right....it's a commutation issue, and probably a trust issue too. I'm not even gonna say it isn't.

Thanks for your response

[wolfter]

In a relationship and haven't had sex in 3 years?  That's difficult.  It's time for a sit down discussion.  There are a variety of reasons why a person's sex drive fails and you deserve an adequate explanation.

Can you continue in a sexless relationship?  Are you willing to leave the relationship if not?  It's time to address the tough issues and arrive at some conclusions.

For me, intimacy and sex are a requirement on a frequent basis.  I'm actually looking forward to the day that my sex drive diminishes.    It's becoming increasingly difficult to find somebody who is willing to do it everyday.

best of luck
wolfie

[bocker3]

I think the problem is really not that you two aren't having sex -- it's really that one of you wants to and the others doesn't seem to want to.  If you both wanted to fuck like rabbits or both wanted to be celibate -- no problem.  The problem stems from the incompatibility in needs.

Honestly -- from what you say, joint counseling is in order here.  Relationships are hard work and sometimes you need that "outside" help to get to the core of an issue.  I have been with my husband for close to 24 years now -- there have been 4 occasions where we went for counseling to help us get through an issue that we couldn't get through on our own.

So -- if you both think it is worth trying to save, than, IMO, this relationship needs some outside help.

Mike

[TripleJ]

I think the problem is really not that you two aren't having sex -- it's really that one of you wants to and the others doesn't seem to want to.  If you both wanted to fuck like rabbits or both wanted to be celibate -- no problem.  The problem stems from the incompatibility in needs.

Honestly -- from what you say, joint counseling is in order here.  Relationships are hard work and sometimes you need that "outside" help to get to the core of an issue.  I have been with my husband for close to 24 years now -- there have been 4 occasions where we went for counseling to help us get through an issue that we couldn't get through on our own.

So -- if you both think it is worth trying to save, than, IMO, this relationship needs some outside help.

Mike

Thanks Mike,

I would love to be with my partner for 24 years,...but you right, relationships take a lot of work. Counseling seems like the best way to go.

[geobee]

Another thing that comes to mind is that having sex right now might be like going from zero to sixty.  Seems like a planned route back to intimacy might be in order.  Pillow Talk.  Eye contact.  Touching.  Getting naked in the dark.  Turning the lights on and really seeing each other's bodies (yikes!).  Massage.  Light kissing.  Deep kissing. 

You didn't lose intimacy in one big woosh.  I'd try small steps to bring it back.

(Having said that, I *did* try all of those things.  Didn't work in my case.  After a painful -- very -- divorce I'm better off now.  Took 4 years to be able to say that, though).