POZ Community Forums
HIV Prevention and Testing => Do I Have HIV? => Topic started by: UK_worried on March 04, 2009, 10:28:52 am
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Hello everyone, I’d really appreciate some guidance/advice/support on a recent sexual episode in my life. I met a woman online via a dating site and we talked regularly for 6 weeks before eventually deciding to take things a step further. Due to the distance between us, we agreed to meet half way and stay at a hotel. During the course of that encounter, we engaged in unprotected vaginal sex on five occasions over 2 days; it was often quite aggressively passionate intercourse too.
After returning home feeling very optimistic and euphoric, things suddenly changed. This individual no longer returned my calls, answered my texts or gave me the slightest inclination she had any intention of talking to me again. This was a very chilling and sobering moment as we had constantly discussed the future as a couple and even talked about having children.
To cut a very long story short, I eventually managed to contact her & it resulted in a blazing row, with her being very venomous and acting (in the only way I can describe) schizophrenic, accusing me of all manner of things I had absolutely no knowledge of. She also decided to divulge information regarding her previous relationship she had conveniently neglect to disclose prior to our liaison - that her ex boyfriend was bi-sexual and had anally rapped her over a year ago.
After hearing this my reaction was almost mechanic: Did you get tested? She replied “No, but I know I’m ok”. She then got enraged and said she should probably get tested after being with me because if she DOES HAVE ANYTHING - it will be my fault.
I’ve since concluded that she is very mixed up and verging on a pathological liar. To be honest, I just don’t know what is true and what is lies. But there is no way of finding out now as she has vanished into thin air.
In hindsight I realise that my trust & sexual complacency was foolish, but there is nothing I can do about that now. What’s done is done. I’ve obviously put myself at risk and I know the only way of verifying that risk is through testing at 6 & 12 weeks. Its only been 12 days so far, so a very long time to go. But I haven’t noticed anything different in my health whatsoever (although I appreciate its far too early for seroconversion to take place & even then, symptoms are not indicative of infection)
I just really needed to share this with someone as the situation is making me very anxious, although I’m making every effort to stay busy and composed.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to release some of this pressure.
Sam
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Sam,
I have to wonder if you'd be worried about this incident if it hadn't gone pear-shaped afterwards? Because ANYTIME you have unprotected intercourse, you're putting yourself at risk. Even if she seems to be the sweetest, most innocent woman in the world, you need to protect yourself.
And yes, you do need to test at three months for a conclusive result. A negative result at six weeks is unlikely to change but must be confirmed at three months. You can also test for the other, more easily transmitted infections now, with the exception of syphilis, which shares a three month window with hiv.
You need to be using condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, every time, no exceptions until such time as you are in a securely monogamous relationship where you have both tested for ALL sexually transmitted infections together. To agree to have unprotected intercourse is to consent to the possibility of being infected with an STI. Sex without a condom lasts only a matter of minutes, but hiv is forever.
Have a look through all three condom and lube links in my signature line so you can use condoms with confidence.
Anyone who is sexually active should be having a full sexual health care check-up, including but not limited to hiv testing, at least once a year and more often if unprotected intercourse occurs.
If you aren't already having regular, routine check-ups, now is the time to start. As long as you make sure condoms are being used for intercourse, you can fully expect your routine hiv tests to return with negative results. Don't forget to always get checked for all the other sexually transmitted infections as well, because they are MUCH easier to transmit than hiv.
Use condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, correctly and consistently, and you will avoid hiv infection. It really is that simple.
Ann
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Thanks Ann, your response is deeply appreciated and respected. You also raise an excellent point with regard to the catalyst of my anxiety and fear. I would have undoubtedly been less concerned had our closeness and communication perpetuated past that encounter. But there is now the additional information regarding her alleged ex boyfriend and rape. Had I known that previously, I’m adamant no sexual intimacy would have transpired between us without protection. However, I realise that’s simply no excuse & I have to take full responsibility for my actions and health.
Please don’t misinterpret my comments as an effort to delegate blame; I’m fully aware that I made a huge mistake and acted irresponsibly. I just needed to get my feelings down in print in the hope it would exorcise, or at least pacify the undercurrent of pressure building within. Its also a great relief having a valuable support resource such as this with professional guidance and advice.
Thank you.
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Sam,
I really want to drive home the point that you never know what might lurk in a person's past. How many women have you had unprotected intercourse with in the past? Every single one of them could have had a rape or other incidents of unprotected intercourse. You need to be wearing a condom until such time as you're in a securely monogamous relationship where you've BOTH tested negative together. For all you know, you could have already been hiv positive before you ever sent the first message to this latest woman.
Protect yourself - it's YOUR responsibility.
Ann
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There is absolutely no grounds for dispute over this issue. I couldn’t agree with you more Ann. I’ve been foolish and irresponsible; I’m as much to blame as the young lady I slept with. Its just unfortunate it takes such server hindsight to obtain such obvious clarity. Hormones have a habit of distorting ones perception of self preservation.
I do, however, know I was free of HIV previous to this episode. I was tested last September for life insurance and hadn’t participated in any sexual activity over a year previous to that. In point of fact, I have only ever had 4 partners in 34 years; two of which were one night stands and fully protected. I just let my guard down this time. But there are no excuses for my behaviour. It was a stupid thing to do.
I guess its just a waiting game now. I will probably test at 6 weeks just for some gauge on the situation. Hopefully it’ll be negative and will inspire some temporary peace of mind for the remainder of the window.
Thank you Ann. Your responses & support have been very comforting.
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I apologise for asking too many questions, as I realise you have a considerable amount of traffic to deal with. But I was just wanted to ask a question in regard to testing at the 6 week period. Would it be suitable and reliable to take a rapid test during this stage? I was reading that some private clinics offer this service but wasn’t certain how sensitive/effective they are over conventional clinical diagnostics.
Thanks again.
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Assuming you test negative at 6 weeks that will be a very strong indication that you are going to continue to test negative. Yes, you can take a rapid test. It's important to make sure that anytime you test it is using an approved test so you can trust the quality and veracity of the test.
All but the very smallest number of those who are going to seroconvert will do so within 4-6 weeks after an exposure. So a negative a 6 weeks is the next-best-thing to an all clear.
Good luck on your test and keep us posted.
Cheers.
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Sam,
The rapid tests are just as valid as any other. I'd advise you to stay away from the private clinics as they usually try to push you into taking unnecessary and non-approved PCR tests, because those types of tests are expensive and they want your money. If you do a PCR test, it won't be conclusive anyway and you'll be out of pocket and still have to wait for a conclusive result.
Go to your local GUM clinic - they're better than the money-grubbing private clinics. You'd be wise to get a full STI screen at the six week point anyway and they're the people who can do it for you. BTW - I know what I'm talking about with the clinics, I'm in the Isle of Man and travel to Liverpool for my hiv clinic needs.
Ann
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Hello Andy,
Thank you for taking the time to answer my question and provide me with additional information regarding the 6 week test. I’m naturally hoping that midway test will yield a negative result & increase my overall percentages of remaining negative through to a 3 month conclusive.
I’m making a conscious effort not to immerse myself in the ocean of HIV related information available online, as I don’t think (for me personally) researching statistics or symptoms would be beneficial. I have experienced how powerful the mind can be in other (unrelated) areas of my life. The psychosomatic effects of a lost mind can be terrifying; I could probably grow a lymph node on my forehead if I thought about it long enough. Sometimes ignorance really is bliss.
I was however quite interested to read about the reduced probability of infection from female to male. Although I know there is still a significant risk from any unprotected sexual activity, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, it gives me something positive to concentrate on instead of emotionally capitulating under the pressure of doom and despondency. Having said that, I do appreciate that my situation wasn’t a one off encounter, so my risks are considerably increased. I’m certainly aware of the danger I’ve placed myself in.
Thank you very much for your support and providing a platform to express my fears and anxieties.
Sam
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Dear Ann,
Thank you for your recommendations on getting tested, I will certainly take your advice and seek the guidance of a GUM clinic once I reach my 6 week pit stop.
I’ve done a quick internet search of the NHS clinics in and around the London area and there are a number to choose from.
Thanks again Ann. I’ll be sure to steer clear of the private testing facilities. I sincerely hope I haven’t been a nuisance.
Sam
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Sam,
You're not being a nuisance - yet. ;)
The only additional advice I have for you is to choose one of the clinics, book an appointment for your six week mark, and let it go until the day of your appointment. Get busy with other things in your life and I guarantee the waiting time will go much faster and easier. You have a very good chance of testing negative so don't sweat it.
Ann
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Dear Ann,
You’ve really been such an incredible source of comfort and support. Thank you.
I’ll be certain to follow your advice down to the letter and get on with other things before I become a nuisance …lol.
Take care
Sam
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Dear Ann & Andy,
I sincerely apologise for returning to the forum before my 6 week test, but I received a very disturbing call this evening and I’m in a state of emptiness and shock. I just needed to tell someone.
The young lady that I met online called me today saying that she had tested positive last week. This is the first I’ve heard from her in over 3 weeks & its left me feeling completely empty and numb. I couldn’t even think of anything to say to her. She just said “If its my fault, then I’m sorry” then hung up. She didn’t sound in the slightest bit concerned or emotional.
I’m still trying to convince myself that she’s lying in some childish prank to instigate fear, but deep down I know I must face the truth.
I apologise if this post seems incoherent or confusing, I’m just very lost for words or clarity at the moment. And I’m also sorry if I appear self consumed or full of self importance. I just didn’t know what else to do or who to talk too.
Sam
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OK. As understandably disturbing as getting that call must be, there are some important things to bear in mind. Primary is that HIV transmission is significantly harder to accomplish from female to male.
Now please don't go through a litany of all of the bits of your experience again. None of that is ultimately relevant in what is basically a guessing game until you have tested. I still say the odds are in your favor that you're going to test negative. And assuming you test negative at 6 weeks that is the-next-best-thing to an all clear at 13 weeks.
Meantime you have some more waiting time for your 6 week test. Give up the drama and get involved productively with other things. The waiting time will go faster than you may is possible. And don't say oh no, I'm too upset. I can promise you that response isn't going to fly with us.
Now, get busy with other things. Really.
Cheers.
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Ok, thank you Andy. I was just in shock earlier, perhaps that’s why my post may have come across dramatic.
I’m more composed now and will obviously get tested at the appropriate time.
Sorry for the outburst.
Take care.
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Dear Andy and Ann,
Due to some distracting events in my life around the time of my exposure, I was unable to get a 13 week conformation test until very recently. Following your advice, I did get tested at 6 weeks, which was negative. This really put my mind at rest. After that, and with the distractive influence of other issues, I managed to appease my fears and forget about the incident.
Recently, after reading something in the national media regarding HIV, I decided to get another test just to make 100% certain, especially as the young woman I slept with claimed to be positive, although that was never confirmed. Anyway, as you both predicted, it was negative. I’ve not had any sexual encounters in-between that time, so I’m obviously confident those results are conclusive. The final test was about 7 months post exposure.
I guess I just wanted to say thank you for all your help and reassurance during a difficult time and wish you all the best for the new year.
Take care
Sam
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Sam, you're welcome.
Make sure you use condoms correctly and consistently in future and you'll remain hiv negative. It really is that simple!
Ann
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That's great to hear about your negative result.
Keep those condoms handy so you don't have to relive this scary experience again. Committing to using them everytime for vaginal/anal intercourse is a good plan for the New Year.
Cheers.
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Dear Andy & Ann
I wonder if it would be possible to once again request your advice and clarity on a situation which occurred last night. I was invited out for a social drink by some friends who had recently returned from business overseas. During the course of the evening we started talking to a group of females who had recently arrived from Lithuania. To cut a long story very short, one of the group and I seemed to bond rather quickly and we spent the entire evening chatting about cultural differences, politics etc. Nothing sexually related. Neither of us had consumed alcohol either.
After we all left the bar she asked me to walk her home, which I did. Once we arrived at her residence she requested my company inside. She was staying in a small, but very dirt room. A few dishevelled garments of clothing littered the room. It was at that point I suddenly felt instinctively uneasy about the encounter and suggested I should leave, as I had an early start the following morning. It was at that point she gave put her arms around my neck, smiled and asked if I wanted to stay the night. Memories of last February, mixed with this instinctive voice telling me to leave thankfully overpowered any hormonal influence stating its case.
I respectfully declined her offer making the excuse that I didn’t have any condoms. She was very relaxed and composed with her response that “We didn’t need them”. I laughed nervously and replied “I think its time for me to depart”. But then she started smiling and rubbing my groin etc and one thing lead to another and she started to perform unprotected oral sex on me. During the process of receiving oral I felt a momentary sharp pain, which I thought was her tooth, and told her to stop. She apologised and once again requested sex, to which I once again refused. She resumed the oral for about 3 minutes when I just felt completely spooked and said I really should leave.
When I got home I went to the bathroom to have a shower. When I was removing my clothes I noticed some very small red spots in my box shorts. At first I thought it may have been her lipstick. I checked my genitals and there was no sign of any foreign colorant so I just dismissed it as a run of colours in the wash or something along those lines. After my shower I went to the toilet and experienced a searing pain, it was an intense burning which brought tears to my eyes. I quickly rushed to the bathroom and examined the head of my genital which revealed a small cut at the entrance of the urethra; this obviously explained the momentary pain and blood stains, but it left me with concerns over the possible transmission of HIV.
Had it not been for the cut, I wouldn’t have given it a second thought, as I learnt a great deal from this site during my scare last year. But I was wondering what my risk is in this particular situation being the vast majority of that oral sex would have been carried out with the injury to my penis. I don’t have any idea as to the health of her teeth or gums either.
Does this incident require testing? Any clarity would be most grateful. Thank you.
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Although I can appreciate your concern, no, this incident does not require testing. In the entire history of the epidemic no guy has ever been confirmed to have become infected through receiving oral. And that includes bites, nicks, sores and anything else you can throw into the mix about your penis.
Transmission just doesn't happen that way. You aren't going to make history by becoming the first. There is no need for testing.
Ann may have already told you that anyone who is sexually active ought to regularly have a full STD panel done as other STDs are much easier to acquire than HIV. That means at least once a year you ought to do the full battery of tests.
As far as HIV, even with your sore penis, there's no need for concern nor for testing for HIV.
Cheers.
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Thank you Andy for your swift and reassuring response. Its put my mind at rest and its great that I don’t have to endure another window period.
Both Ann and yourself were extremely kind and informative during my last encounter so I’m very conscious of the fact that I need to check for other possible STD’s.
Thank you for all your help.
Sam
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You're welcome, Sam.
Cheers.
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Apologises for troubling you guys again but I just need to ease a slight concern I have. A couple of weeks a female and I deep kissed each other after a night out. No other sexual acts took place. The niggling worry I have is that she bit the inside of her mouth whilst chewing gum about 30 minutes before and there was a reasonable amount of blood on her finger. I also had a rather painful ulcer at the base of my lip.
I told her about my ulcer, as I didn’t think it would be right kiss someone when you have a sore in your mouth. But she didn’t seem to care and we ended up kissing quite intensely, even though I made multiple attempts to calm things down. Since then I’ve managed to pretty much control any doubts and anxiety but this evening the subtle nagging seems to have gotten the better of me.
Would really appreciate Andy, Ann or anyone else on the team clarifying my situation in regard to testing for this incident. Its just the blood/ulcer worry that’s playing on my mind.
I’m sincerely sorry for coming back again.
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Anyone who continues to post excessively, questioning a conclusive negative result or no-risk situation, will be subject to a four week Time Out (a temporary ban from the Forums). If you continue to post excessively after one Time Out, you may be given a second Time Out which will last eight weeks. There is no third Time Out - it is a permanent ban. The purpose of a Time Out is to encourage you to seek the face-to-face help we cannot provide on this forum.
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RapidRod, with respect, I haven’t posted in 5 months and am seeking clarification on a completely new issue/exposure.
I sincerely apologise if I’ve contravened the forum rules but I genuinely didn’t think my usage of the site was excessive.
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Take the time and read the Lessons on Transmission.
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RapidRod, with respect, I haven’t posted in 5 months and am seeking clarification on a completely new issue/exposure.
I sincerely apologise if I’ve contravened the forum rules but I genuinely didn’t think my usage of the site was excessive.
Sam,
Given how long you've been here you should know that deep kissing is not a risk for HIV transmission no matter what. The ulcer, the "chewing" - whatever. You do not need to be tested for HIV following this encounter.
Rod was correct to put his boot in your arse for posting about what you should know is a non risk situation.
MtD
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Thank you Rod and Matt. I have read the lessons and I knew deep down it probably didn’t require testing, but as I mentioned in my post, it was just a niggling doubt that I needed clarification on. Sometimes you just need that reassurance from professionals.
Thanks again guys and I’m sorry for causing any problems.
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Hi,
I last posted here around a year ago. I did return to my old thread but it suggested I start a new topic if there had been no replies in the past 60 days. Hope I’ve understood that correctly? (Apologises if not)
Would really appreciate some advice on an incident which occurred last night. Briefly explained: I met a girl from the net and towards the end of the night things progressed to me receiving unprotected oral from her. During the act I noticed fresh blood on her hand, and then she noticed it and started to panic, as she thought my penis was bleeding. There was a reasonable amount of blood over the shaft of my penis and some noticeable smudges on the head and around the foreskin. To cut a long story short, it turned out to be a recent tongue piercing wound which had reopened during oral.
Can Andy, Ann etc please advise me on the level of risk involved here and whether the incident requires testing?
Thank you
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Please do not start a new thread every time you have another question or thought - regardless if you think your questions are related to each other or not. It helps us to help you when you keep all your thoughts or questions in one thread and it helps other readers to follow the discussion. Additional threads will be merged.
If you cannot find your thread, click on the "Show own posts" link in the left-hand column of any forum page, under your name.
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Apologies Rapidrod. As I previously mentioned, I did return to my orginal thread but it seemed to suggest starting a new topic if the thread had been inactive for 60 days. I must have misunderstood. Sorry.
Would it be possible for you to give me some feedback on my level of risk please?
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uk,
I've merged your new thread into your original thread - where you should post all your additional thoughts or questions. It helps us to help you when you keep all your additional thoughts or questions in one thread. It doesn't matter how long it has been since you last posted in your thread or if the subject matter is different. (Sorry, but we have no control over the automatic 60-day warning.)
If you need help finding your thread when you come here, click on the "Show own posts" link under your name in the left-hand column of any forum page.
Please also read through the Welcome Thread (http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=220.0) so you can familiarize yourself with our Forum Posting Guidelines. Thank you for your cooperation.
No, you do not need to worry about this incident, alarming as it may have been. Saliva contains over a dozen different proteins and enzymes that damage hiv and render it unable to infect. The saliva in her mouth would have been enough to neutralise any hiv that may have been present in her mouth.
Please re-read my first reply to you in this thread. As long as you're consistently and correctly using condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, and getting regular sexual health check-ups, you will be fine where hiv is concerned.
Ann
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Thanks Ann. Really appreciate you putting my mind at rest. I guess the sight of blood just made me a little anxious and nervous. And i'm sorry for starting a new topic; I must have just misunderstood the 60 day inactive thread suggestion.
Take care
Sam
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Sam,
You're welcome. You didn't misunderstand the 60 day warning thingy. This is the only sub-forum we have the one-thread rule for and we can't stop the automated warning from appearing here.
Ann