"Friends"

[BM]

I joined some friends last night for a few drinks. One of them (who knows about my HIV status) was boasting about his recent conquests, detailing some quite risky practices with guys he'd met from Gaydar. He then appended that he wouldn't do half the things he does with a guy if the guy told him he was positive. This seemed a bit strange: what if the guy he met didn't know his own HIV status but was positive? What if a positive guy just didn't want to tell my friend about his status? Would my friend's chances of contracting HIV be diminished by this lack of information? I put this to him, and after a lot of ooh-ing and aah-ing, during which he said he didn't believe my concerns applied to him, he told me that he hoped I'd continue to have a happy and active sex life as long as I could square with my conscience the possibility of infecting someone else. He hopes never to be in my situation.

What is happening here? My friend is an intelligent man who abhors all other forms of discrimination (he recently stood as the Liberal candidate in an election). He supports prosecution of HIV transmission: "the positive person is in possession of knowledge the negative person doesn't have" (where is the negative person's responsibility to safeguard his/her own health in that situation?). Discrimination against HIV positive persons is "just human psychology", in his mind. Is this a case of someone who recognises the risks he's taking but would like someone to blame other than himself if he ever gets a positve diagnosis? He's certainly not a very good friend.

[mecch]

This person does not share your perspective on safe sex practices and does not share your opinions about individual responsiblity and HIV.  His views may or may not have much to do with his qualities as a friend - thats up for you to decide. Sometimes people who have very different politics or moralities or lifestyles make the best of friends. Think of The Odd Couple - Felix and Oscar. 
Sometimes, if one thinks deep down someone is prejudiced against some thing or quality that is intrinsic to one's identity, you can't really be friends. Its how you deal with difference, really.

[Buckmark]

... and after a lot of ooh-ing and aah-ing, during which he said he didn't believe my concerns applied to him, he told me that he hoped I'd continue to have a happy and active sex life as long as I could square with my conscience the possibility of infecting someone else. He hopes never to be in my situation.

I don't believe that someone who is really your friend would say something so mean and hurtful.  Or they would at least apologize if you brought it to their attention (not that you should have to, but perhaps your friend had taken leave of his senses temporarily).

Is this a case of someone who recognises the risks he's taking but would like someone to blame other than himself if he ever gets a positve diagnosis? He's certainly not a very good friend.

There are neggies out there who not only don't want anything to do with a pozzie, but really wish us pozzies would just go away so they could have a blissful and unfettered sex life, without having to bother to put in any effort or thought into protecting themselves.  That neggie's life would just be so much easier and more fun if all these HIV+ people would just go away.  And if they won't, then by golly, he will put pozzies on notice that they will pay dearly if they have the nerve to infect him.

It might be nice, for your friend anyway, if the world worked that way, but it doesn't.  You confronted him with the reality of the risks he is exposing himself too, and rather than take responsibility, he lashed out at you.  I wouldn't be surprised if the health department knocks on your friend's door some day, or he finds himself visiting his doctor -- if not for HIV then for some other STD.  Sticking one's head in the sand is not a particularly effective way of preventing transmission of any STD.

Regards,

Henry

[AlanBama]

He hopes never to be in my situation.

I'm afraid he will be though.   I know of two local guys, who would 'bareback with neg. guys"....one tested poz in 2007, the other I saw at my clinic in 2008.